Challenge #16 - The Famous One

[Lisa Gates]

The Famous One

 

I see what I want to see

Even if it’s not true

I act up I need to show

I’m famous and I’m new

 

A mansion filled with gold things

A yacht I say ahoy

A garage with sporty cars

All of these are my toys

 

Pre-chorus

I don’t want to sign autographs

I want to sell them (not for free)

Chorus

Hey I’m an acting prodigy

Fame is all around me

Better than I planned to be

Never any modesty

For I’m the famous one

The famous one

 

I am on the stars and moon

No longer on the earth

Always looking for the show

That gives me greater worth

 

Pre-chorus

I don’t want to sign autographs

I want to sell them (not for free)

Chorus

Hey I’m an acting prodigy

Fame is all around me

Better than I planned to be

Never any modesty

For I’m the famous one

The famous one

 

Bridge

Acting is my dream that has not yet come true

In my mind’s reality I’m famous and it’s due

As I carry on today, tomorrow, moving on

I will make this real someday to base my life upon

 

Chorus

Hey I’m an acting prodigy

Fame is all around me

Better than I planned to be

Never any modesty

For I’m the famous one

The famous one

[DonnaMarilyn]

 

First of all, this has a nice, catchy flow to it, Lisa. I can hear it easily as tongue-in-cheek, upbeat pop. The title captures my interest as well. Makes me wonder 'what about the famous one'. 

The short lines are easy to remember, and each line contains a single thought. The reader/listener isn't forced to try to work out the sense.

 

Some good simple rhyme schemes as well. The juxtapositon of prodigy/modesty is effective.

 

The theme is topical, as plenty of real-life celebrities do seem to be deluded. (-: 

 

You've also progressed nicely in the verses from telling us what the singer is like (V1), the things she likes (V2), and then moving her - at least in her mind - into another space and time frame (V3).

 

The pre-chorus pretty much sums up the singer's philosophy/attitude.

 

I feel the bridge is longer than necessary. It also - for me - has the affect of disrupting the momentum that's been building up in the verses/pre-chorus/chorus. Rather than move the story forward, it seems more an anti-climax.

 

I'd suggest a shorter, tighter bridge. In order to move the story forward - and to elicit sympathy for the singer (who isn't sympathetic in the other sections)  - maybe you could have the singer suddenly having a moment of insight, and wondering whether there's more to life than her current lifestyle. This is simply an example of a way it could go. This change in tone would introduce a new kind of dynamic, and render the last chorus more poignant as the singer carries on telling herself how wonderful she is, while all the time we know the truth. It also links back to line 2, V1 - 'even if it's not true'. Just food for thought.

 

A shorter bridge - e.g. 3 lines - could shake up the lyric's rhyme scheme nicely, and would add to the sense of unstability, the uncertainty the singer might be feeling in those wee small hours of the morning when we're at our most vulnerable.

 

All in all, you've got off to a good start. 

 

I've made a few comments/suggestions below. I hope they're helpful.  Keep or sweep.

 

Donna

 

The Famous One

It's important that the first line in V1 grab the listener. Perhaps re-think this line. Maybe a stronger, fresher image will come to mind. 

I see what I want to see 

Even if it’s not true

I act up out I need to show I think the term 'act out' is more dynamic than 'act up'.

I’m famous and I’m new

 

A mansion filled with gold things Suggest giving line 1 in each verse the same metering for a better flow. Very rough example, 'I have mansions filled with gold' matches 'I see what I want to see'. 

A yacht I say ahoy For a little more impact, maybe 'A yacht I've named Ahoy'. 

A garage with sporty cars Lines 3 & 4 need to meter with those in V1 & 2.

All of these are my toys

Rough example of matching metering:

Sporty cars and jumbo jets

Are all among my toys

 

Pre-chorus

I don’t want to sign autographs

I want to sell them (not for free) The thought here could be a little clearer. 

Rough example only of alternative:

For those who want an autograph, I tell them

Sure, but they're not free, I sell them

 

Chorus

Hey I’m an acting prodigy Not sure about 'Hey'. I feel it weakens the beginning of that first line of the chorus. 

Fame is all around me  Suggest dropping 'me'. This gives a break from all the 'e' sounds in the chorus end words. It also allows for a tiny bit of resonance between the words 'around' and 'one'.

Even better than I planned to be I think adding a word like 'even' ups the delusion factor.

Never any modesty

For I’m the famous one  Good repetition of the hook. It's shortness and non-rhyming aspect also contribute to a sense of unstability, which I think is in the chorus. It has a feeling of the singer trying to convince herself, though the reader/listener knows she's in a fool's paradise.

The famous one

 

I am on the stars and moon Suggest using a more dynamic verb in place of 'am' (e.g. dance, swing, hang, rock, etc. etc.). Or something like 'Now I hang out on the moon'. Just examples. 

No longer on the earth Maybe something more dynamic. Rough examples only: 'I've left the earth behind' or 'Out of sight of the earth'. 

Always looking for the show Suggest rethinking these lines. They're weaker than the others. The sense isn't entirely clear in line 4. If you re-do line 2, this may give you another word with which to form more memorable end rhymes.

That gives me greater worth

 

Pre-chorus

I don’t want to sign autographs

I want to sell them (not for free)

 

Chorus

 

Bridge Suggest shortening the bridge to make it unstable, and move the story forward. Give the reader/lister something new and surprising. 

Acting is my dream that has not yet come true

In my mind’s reality I’m famous and it’s due This is a strong line. You could use  it - with possibly a minor adjustment - with two other new lines, going for a tight 3-line bridge. 

As I carry on today, tomorrow, moving on Lines 3 & 4 are wordy, need to be punchier (if you decide to stick to 4 lines).

I will make this real someday to base my life upon

 

 

Edited October 13, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[goldylocks]

Lisa, this a critique of your lyrics The Famous One. The critique is offered as only my humble opinion and from my observations as one writer to another for the improvement and help with your lyrics. This my first attempt at an in depth critique!

 

Rhyme Scheme, Theme

 

 I like your rhyme scheme abcb it's bouncy and it seems to fit well with your pop style lyrics. Your lyrics tend to flow quite well through the song. The theme of the song relates well to the topic Self Delusional, I think it carries the song, with referring to celebrities, living the rich and famous life style of self delusion and never believing it. Below, you will find my suggestions, starting with your title.

 

 Title

After researching the title I found it to be used with another song that was religious by Chris Tomlin. Unfortunately it's not original, but I like it, and I think it suits your song, well. It definitely tells what the song is about plain and simple.
 http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/the-famous-one-lyrics-chris-    tomlin/da52daefac398d6048256df20024c210
 
 

Verses, Hook, Pre chorus, Bridge and Lyrics

 

 Also I found some of your verses to lack description, so you will find in blue, my comments beside the verses. I gave suggestions for the bridge, as to why you should shorten it and give it life.

 

 About your hook, I thing repeating it in your chorus, makes it memorable.I didn't notice the use of metaphors, allegories and similes maybe one, mind's reality, but that's all I could find. As far as structure goes, I thought it could use some restructuring as I mentioned with my comments on your pre chorus and chorus, but I like the fact your lyrics were simple and not complicated. I believe  you could have shown your lyrics with better imagery visually. Over all the song, has great potential, and I love the attitude it projects about someone delusional about being a famous celebrity. I hope some of the information that I have given, will be of use or at least looked at as possible alternatives for you to improve your lyrics. 

 
 The Famous One
 
I see what I want to see good strong opening line, declaration of self confidence
Even if it’s not true         confirmation of being delusional
I act up I need to show this line could be improved, I put on quite a  show, suggestion
I’m famous and I’m new good ending line for verse , lime light line.
 
A mansion filled with gold things ,  I have a mansion filled with luxury, than gold
A yacht I say ahoy this line relates well to the reference of a mansion and riches.
A garage with sporty cars suggestion/ expensive cars
All of these are my toys fame and riches as the number one pursuit in the song.
 
Pre-chorus
I don’t want to sign autographs I want to sell autographs, more attitude to go with lyrics
I want to sell them (not for free) My name just isn't free/suggestion
 

Chorus
Hey I’m an acting prodigy I like this line it shows delusion strongly, Hey, like what do you expect. 
Fame is all around me
Better than I planned to be The camera always sees, more related to acting/suggestion
Never any modesty I  have no modesty, a bold declaration of pride, using I
For I’m the famous one
The famous one
 
I am on the stars and moon  Even the man in the moon/ suggestion for verse 
No longer on the earth          Smiles at my famous face
Always looking for the show  I've left behind the earth
                                                    I'm the spotlight in space
That gives me greater worth 
 
Pre-chorus
I don’t want to sign autographs
I want to sell them (not for free)
Chorus
Hey I’m an acting prodigy
Fame is all around me
Better than I planned to be
Never any modesty
For I’m the famous one
The famous one
 
Bridge I think your bridge is too wordy, perhaps something like this would be better.
Suggestion: something like a delusional look into the future.  Also ties in with the chorus, in my opinion, which is essential to carry the song, with delusional thinking on the part of the Famous One. 
 
I know in 2o years from now     look into the future

Ill still be a box office hit

Raking in millions just like Brad Pit 

 

 
Acting is my dream that has not yet come true 
In my mind’s reality I’m famous and it’s due       
As I carry on today, tomorrow, moving on
I will make this real someday to base my life upon
 
Chorus
Hey I’m an acting prodigy
Fame is all around me

 

Better than I planned to be
Never any modesty
For I’m the famous one
The famous one

 

Over all, I  think  that this song his great possibilities of being a very original and great song. Your lyrics, verses, and bridge need some work, but I think it will to be worth while when the song is finished. I enjoyed the delusional plot of someone dreaming of being a famous acting celebrity with all those riches and fans. Whoooooo! Wish full thinking for most of us. I'm thrilled to be in our incredible Lyrics Challenge Group, helping one another with our song writing.

 

I wish you the best

 

Goldy     

Edited October 11, 2013 by goldylocks

[Lisa Gates]

My dear critiquing friends, I thank you for all your wonderful ideas and thoughts. I will respond but in bits in pieces. I am overwhelmed with a family problem and a situation on my day job. I have nothing left at the end of the day. Please bear with me as I push through this thing called life.

Thanks,

Lisa

[Lisa Gates]

Donna, my comments are in green. I will post the second draft after I reply to Goldy.

 

First of all, this has a nice, catchy flow to it, Lisa. I can hear it easily as tongue-in-cheek, upbeat pop. The title captures my interest as well. Makes me wonder 'what about the famous one'.

lguzda, on 06 Oct 2013 - 7:37 PM, said:     Thank you, I always try to be upbeat.

It's important that the first line in V1 grab the listener. Perhaps re-think this line. Maybe a stronger, fresher image will come to mind. 

I kind of liked the delusion of my first line, and Goldy thought it was strong too but I have made a change and want to know what you think of:  I might be called a Diva

 

The short lines are easy to remember, and each line contains a single thought. The reader/listener isn't forced to try to work out the sense.

 

Some good simple rhyme schemes as well. The juxtapositon of prodigy/modesty is effective.

I love me some good rhymes!

 

The theme is topical, as plenty of real-life celebrities do seem to be deluded. (-:

 

You've also progressed nicely in the verses from telling us what the singer is like (V1), the things she likes (V2), and then moving her - at least in her mind - into another space and time frame (V3).

I really appreciate this comment . I have recently learned that co-writing makes it hard for me to keep each verse clean and to make each verse make the story grow when another writer has an opinion of where the song is going to...

 

The pre-chorus pretty much sums up the singer's philosophy/attitude.

 

I feel the bridge is longer than necessary. It also - for me - has the affect of disrupting the momentum that's been building up in the verses/pre-chorus/chorus. Rather than move the story forward, it seems more an anti-climax. I didn't want it to be anti-climatic just explain the reality so I guess reality can be boring or a let down. I re-did it. what do you think?

 

I'd suggest a shorter, tighter bridge. In order to move the story forward - and to elicit sympathy for the singer (who isn't sympathetic in the other sections) - maybe you could have the singer suddenly having a moment of insight, and wondering whether there's more to life than her current lifestyle. This is simply an example of a way it could go. This change in tone would introduce a new kind of dynamic, and render the last chorus more poignant as the singer carries on telling herself how wonderful she is, while all the time we know the truth. It also links back to line 2, V1 - 'even if it's not true'. Just food for thought.

 

A shorter bridge - e.g. 3 lines - could shake up the lyric's rhyme scheme nicely, and would add to the sense of unstability, the uncertainty the singer might be feeling in those wee small hours of the morning when we're at our most vulnerable.  The bridge definitly needed to be unstable! thanks.

 

All in all, you've got off to a good start.

 

I've made a few comments/suggestions below. I hope they're helpful. Keep or sweep.

 

Donna
 

 

The Famous One

lguzda, on 06 Oct 2013 - 7:37 PM, said:

I see what I want to see

Even if it’s not true

I act up out I need to show I think the term 'act out' is more dynamic than 'act up'.  Perfect! that is totally what I meant!

I’m famous and I’m new

 

A mansion filled with gold things Suggest giving line 1 in each verse the same metering for a better flow. Very rough example, 'I have mansions filled with gold' matches 'I see what I want to see'. I count 7 for each

A yacht I say ahoy For a little more impact, maybe 'A yacht I've named Ahoy'. Nice!

A garage with sporty cars Lines 3 & 4 need to meter with those in V1 & 2.

All of these are my toys

Rough example of matching metering:

Sporty cars and jumbo jets

Are all among my toys

lguzda, on 06 Oct 2013 - 7:37 PM, said:

 

Pre-chorus

I don’t want to sign autographs

I want to sell them (not for free) The thought here could be a little clearer.

Rough example only of alternative:

For those who want an autograph, I tell them

Sure, but they're not free, I sell them  I'm not a "Pre-Chorus" kind of girl so I struggled with it quite a bit. Goldy made some suggestions too, so I've combined both of your thoughts in a way...

 

Chorus

Hey I’m an acting prodigy Not sure about 'Hey'. I feel it weakens the beginning of that first line of the chorus. It's just how I was singing it in my head. Kind of cocky like.

Fame is all around me Suggest dropping 'me'. This gives a break from all the 'e' sounds in the chorus end words. It also allows for a tiny bit of resonance between the words 'around' and 'one'. I have a bad habit of making too many rhymes in a chorus...

Even better than I planned to be I think adding a word like 'even' ups the delusion factor.

Never any modesty

For I’m the famous one Good repetition of the hook. It's shortness and non-rhyming aspect also contribute to a sense of unstability, which I think is in the chorus. It has a feeling of the singer trying to convince herself, though the reader/listener knows she's in a fool's paradise.

The famous one

 

I am on the stars and moon Suggest using a more dynamic verb in place of 'am' (e.g. dance, swing, hang, rock, etc. etc.). Or something like 'Now I hang out on the moon'. Just examples.

No longer on the earth Maybe something more dynamic. Rough examples only: 'I've left the earth behind' or 'Out of sight of the earth'.

Always looking for the show Suggest rethinking these lines. They're weaker than the others. The sense isn't entirely clear in line 4. If you re-do line 2, this may give you another word with which to form more memorable end rhymes.

That gives me greater worth  I changed most of these lines to make the verse stronger and more clear.

 

Pre-chorus

I don’t want to sign autographs

I want to sell them (not for free)

 

Chorus

 

Bridge Suggest shortening the bridge to make it unstable, and move the story forward. Give the reader/lister something new and surprising.

Acting is my dream that has not yet come true

In my mind’s reality I’m famous and it’s due This is a strong line. You could use it - with possibly a minor adjustment - with two other new lines, going for a tight 3-line bridge.

As I carry on today, tomorrow, moving on Lines 3 & 4 are wordy, need to be punchier (if you decide to stick to 4 lines).

I will make this real someday to base my life upon Ahhh the bridge...please comment on my changed bridge. I hope it is unstable and keeps up with the delusional topic.

You have always given such thorough critiques. Thank you for your past, present, and hopefully future help,

Lisa

 

Edited October 17, 2013 by lguzda

[Lisa Gates]

Hi Goldy, my comments are in green. I'll post my second draft below. Thank you for your critique.

Lisa, this a critique of your lyrics The Famous One. The critique is offered as only my humble opinion and from my observations as one writer to another for the improvement and help with your lyrics. This my first attempt at an in depth critique!

 

Rhyme Scheme, Theme

 

 I like your rhyme scheme abcb it's bouncy and it seems to fit well with your pop style lyrics. Your lyrics tend to flow quite well through the song. The theme of the song relates well to the topic Self Delusional, I think it carries the song, with referring to celebrities, living the rich and famous life style of self delusion and never believing it. Below, you will find my suggestions, starting with your title.

 

 Title

After researching the title I found it to be used with another song that was religious by Chris Tomlin. Unfortunately it's not original, but I like it, and I think it suits your song, well. It definitely tells what the song is about plain and simple.

 http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/the-famous-one-lyrics-chris-    tomlin/da52daefac398d6048256df20024c210

 I love Chris Tomlin and Christian music. If he asked me to change the title, I would think about it...LOL OMG of course I can come up with something but only if he asks.

 

Verses, Hook, Pre chorus, Bridge and Lyrics

 

 Also I found some of your verses to lack description, so you will find in blue, my comments beside the verses. I gave suggestions for the bridge, as to why you should shorten it and give it life.

 

 About your hook, I thing repeating it in your chorus, makes it memorable.I didn't notice the use of metaphors, allegories and similes maybe one, mind's reality, but that's all I could find. As far as structure goes, I thought it could use some restructuring as I mentioned with my comments on your pre chorus and chorus, but I like the fact your lyrics were simple and not complicated. I believe  you could have shown your lyrics with better imagery visually. Over all the song, has great potential, and I love the attitude it projects about someone delusional about being a famous celebrity. I hope some of the information that I have given, will be of use or at least looked at as possible alternatives for you to improve your lyrics. I am usually very visual with my lyrics but I really wanted the selfish, self absorbedness to come through, so focus on self lead to less visuals.

 

 The Famous One

 

I see what I want to see good strong opening line, declaration of self confidence  see what you think about my new line 

Even if it’s not true         confirmation of being delusional

I act up I need to show this line could be improved, I put on quite a  show, suggestion Donna reminded me that the saying I was going for was "act out"

I’m famous and I’m new good ending line for verse , lime light line.

 

A mansion filled with gold things ,  I have a mansion filled with luxury, than gold  I like luxury but that added an extra syllable

A yacht I say ahoy this line relates well to the reference of a mansion and riches.

A garage with sporty cars suggestion/ expensive cars

All of these are my toys fame and riches as the number one pursuit in the song.

 

Pre-chorus

I don’t want to sign autographs I want to sell autographs, more attitude to go with lyrics Both you and Donna commented on the pre-chorus (which I don't usually use.) so I've hopefully cleaned it up to make it more clear.

I want to sell them (not for free) My name just isn't free/suggestion

 

Chorus

Hey I’m an acting prodigy I like this line it shows delusion strongly, Hey, like what do you expect. 

Fame is all around me

Better than I planned to be The camera always sees, more related to acting/suggestion

Never any modesty I  have no modesty, a bold declaration of pride, using I - I'm going to use this verbatim. Good call

For I’m the famous one

The famous one

 

I am on the stars and moon  Even the man in the moon/ suggestion for verse 

No longer on the earth          Smiles at my famous face

Always looking for the show  I've left behind the earth

                                                    I'm the spotlight in space

That gives me greater worth I made some changes to get my point across better

 

Pre-chorus

I don’t want to sign autographs

I want to sell them (not for free)

Chorus

Hey I’m an acting prodigy

Fame is all around me

Better than I planned to be

Never any modesty

For I’m the famous one

The famous one

 

Bridge I think your bridge is too wordy, perhaps something like this would be better.

Suggestion: something like a delusional look into the future.  Also ties in with the chorus, in my opinion, which is essential to carry the song, with delusional thinking on the part of the Famous One. 

 

I know in 2o years from now     look into the future

Ill still be a box office hit

Raking in millions just like Brad Pit 

 

 

Acting is my dream that has not yet come true 

In my mind’s reality I’m famous and it’s due       

As I carry on today, tomorrow, moving on

I will make this real someday to base my life upon  The bridge has been my one problem area on this song that I have suffered with. which way to go with it...make it truthful? follow the delusion and make it bigger? I've made some changes in the second draft below, and I would love your thoughts.

 

Chorus

Hey I’m an acting prodigy

Fame is all around me

 

Better than I planned to be

Never any modesty

For I’m the famous one

The famous one

 

Over all, I  think  that this song his great possibilities of being a very original and great song. Your lyrics, verses, and bridge need some work, but I think it will to be worth while when the song is finished. I enjoyed the delusional plot of someone dreaming of being a famous acting celebrity with all those riches and fans. Whoooooo! Wish full thinking for most of us. I'm thrilled to be in our incredible Lyrics Challenge Group, helping one another with our song writing.

 

I wish you the best

 

Goldy  

Goldy, not sure about this song being great. It really has no where to go but I've done some work based on your's and Donna's thoughts and would love your thoughts on the second draft below.

Thank you!

Edited October 16, 2013 by lguzda

[Lisa Gates]

Second draft. comments and thoughts appreciated

 

Changes are in red.

 

The Famous One

 

I might be called a DIVA

Even if it’s not true

I act out I need to show

I’m famous and I’m new

 

A mansion filled with gold things

A yacht I named “Ahoy!”

A garage filled with sports cars

All of these are my toys

 

Pre-chorus

If you want my autograph, you’ll have to pay a fee

Nothing of great worth, ever comes for free

 

Chorus

Hey, I’m an acting prodigy

I’m better than I ever dreamed

I have no modesty

Fame is all around

For I’m the famous one

The famous one

 

I hang with the stars all day

I’m out of this world

Watch me on my TV show

That proves I have some worth

 

Pre-chorus

If you want my autograph, you’ll have to pay a fee

Nothing of great worth, ever comes for free

 

Chorus

 

Bridge

In my mind’s reality I am famous as can be

I pre tend to make millions

So I’m a star to everyone

 

Chorus

Hey, I’m an acting prodigy

I’m better than I ever dreamed

I have no modesty

Fame is all around

For I’m the famous one

The famous one

The famous one indeed!

Edited October 17, 2013 by lguzda

[DonnaMarilyn]

 

Thanks for your response to comments, Lisa. Always interesting to know what the thought process was.

 

Overall, the story now is tighter. I hear it as a bright, danceable pop tune, with a story that will likely resonate with a lot of young girls.

I find line 1, V1, to be more interesting now. It immediately made me curious.

 

The bridge is tighter. However, I'd like to see a slightly starker contrast between the reality and the singer's imagination.

 

The metering in the verses could be adjusted as well, so that they flow more cohesively, as a unity.

 

The pre-chorus deserves another look, I think. In particular, the term 'of great worth' (also used in V3) is a formal one, and sounds odd in contrast to the 'looseness' of the rest of the text.  

 

A few more comments (in blue) are below. They look ominous in terms of length, but the actual adjustments should be fairly straightforward.   

 

Donna

 

Second draft. comments and thoughts appreciated

 

Changes are in red.

 

The Famous One

 

I might be called a DIVA  The new line 1 is catchier. It has a cockiness, a tongue-in-cheek element to it. 

Even if it’s not true  I feel this line contradicts line 1 and the rest of the descriptions. Perhaps keep the surprise until the bridge. It's at odds with the confidence and bravado with which the singer has introduced herself in line 1. For instance, maybe something like 'For I'm not the same as you', or 'Some people think it's true'. Just quick examples.

I act out, I need to show

I’m famous and I’m new

 

A mansion filled with gold things

A yacht I named “Ahoy!â€

A garage filled with sports cars I think it's assumed she would have a garage. I'd rather see mention of more specific examples of what the toys are. Would also suggest not repeating 'filled'.

All of these are my toys  This line doesn't meter well with line 4 in V1. The emphasis should be roughly: x X x x x X ('I'm famous and I'm new').  The way you have it here, the emphasis would be on the preposition 'of', a definite 'no-no'.  

 

Alternatives (rough examples only):

- These playthings are my toys

- These objects are my toys

- And other shiny toys

- I like big shiny toys

 

Pre-chorus

If you want my autograph, you’ll have to pay a fee This line sets things up nicely.

Nothing of great worth, ever comes for free  This line sounds a little clunky and formal. It also refers back to line 1, and doesn't carry the listener into the chorus with a punch. If you prefer to stay with the line, maybe something like 'Nothing worth having ever comes free'.

 

Alternative (rough example only):

 

If you want my autograph, you'll have to pay a fee

You can feel special with a little part of me   

 

Chorus

Hey, I’m an acting prodigy

I’m better than I ever dreamed  Suggest dropping 'I'm'. For tightness and flow, maybe 'Even better than I dreamed'?

I have no modesty

Fame is all around  Suggest replacing 'fame', as it's in 'famous', which is lines 5 & 6. Perhaps re-think this line to make it fresher. What are other things associated with fame? Maybe something like 'Kudos all around' or 'I get kudos all around'?

For I’m the famous one

The famous one

 

In terms of metering, try to have the lines in one verse match with lines in the other verses.

This makes it easier to compose a melody.

 

I hang with the stars all day Perhaps invert this: 'Every day I hang with the stars'. Seems to flow more smoothly. Alternatively, mention one or two specific people by name. 

I’m out of this world Nice layered meaning here (being fantastic, plus in another space).

Watch me on my TV show

That proves I have some worth Again, this line is clunky, and doesn't give the listener anything new. Try to avoid repeating words/phrases (unless you want a particular effect). I know 'world' is a difficult end rhyme. To resolve this, maybe consider reversing lines 1 & 2 (making appropriate adjustments) so that the end ryhme on line 2 is 'day', and easier to work with.

 

Alternative (rough example only):

 

The world I knew has vanished

Now I hang out with the stars

Watch me on my TV show

It's clear I'm going far

 

Pre-chorus

 

Chorus

 

Bridge Perhaps go for more contrast, more playfulness or irony.

In my mind’s reality I am famous as can be Suggest something looser, maybe like 'In my imagination'.

I pre tend to make millions The present continuous - 'pretending' - would give a smoother flow to the line.

So I’m a star to everyone

 

Alternatives (rough examples only):

 

Sure I'm famous,  in my imagination

A million-dollar diva 

Adrift in adoration

 

But I'm only a star

In my own imagination

No million-dollar diva

Adrift in adoration

 

In my imagination I'm a big celebrity

A shiny star, untouchable

But for everyone to see

 

I'm a shining star, untouchable

And for everyone to see

But only in my imagination

Am I a big celebrity

 

 

Chorus

Edited October 17, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[goldylocks]

 Lisa, I pretty much agree with what Donna says, I like Donna's alternative verse suggestions, somehow to me the song is still stiff, with the wording and doesn't flow well. I'm sorry right now I'm really sick, and I just popped out of bed to make a brief comment. I think the bridge needs more work, it's not very interesting. Still needs some tightening up in your chorus. But just a few more tweeks and you'll have a real cute song! Again, I would like to see some imagery in your lyrics .Like shiny gold things

 

 I think the 2nd line in your first verse needs work, it's awkward, just my opinion

 

 

 

 

Goldy    

Edited October 17, 2013 by goldylocks

[Lisa Gates]

Well....I have a melody for it so it must be done! I'm thinking this is the final draft. Thank you ladies for all your tremendous effort! Lisa

 

The Famous One

 

I might be called a Diva

Even if it’s not true

I act out I need to show

I’m famous and I’m new

 

A mansion filled with gold things

A yacht I named “Ahoy!” (Ahoy!)

A garage filled with sports cars

I love my shiny toys

 

Pre-chorus

If you want my autograph, you will have to pay

 

Chorus

Hey, I’m an acting prodigy

I’m better than I ever dreamed

I have no modesty

Paparazzi are following me

For I’m the famous one

The famous one

 

I hang with the stars all day

I’m out of this world

Watch me on my TV show

I’ll give you all I’m worth

 

Pre-chorus

If you want my autograph, you will have to pay 

 

Chorus

Hey, I’m an acting prodigy

I’m better than I ever dreamed

I have no modesty

Paparazzi are following me

For I’m the famous one

The famous one

 

Bridge

It’s all in my mind that I am famous as can be

Pretending to make millions when I don’t have change to eat

 

Chorus

Hey, I’m an acting prodigy

I’m better than I ever dreamed

I have no modesty

Paparazzi are following me

For I’m the famous one

The famous one

The famous one indeed!