#28 Bell Jar

[jamestoffee]

#28 Bell Jar

 

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12702165

 

=====Revised Version 2=======

 

Crisp starch petticoats hang on hooks
Teach young women to clean and cook
Doll house dreams; manicures
Don’t bite the doctor; don’t fight the nurse

 

Typewriter keys click at 4 A.M.

Black blots on pages with fountain pens

Poems to the dead; dry inkwell

Lady Lazarus back from Hell

 

She was young

She was smart

Martyr’s smile distorted; bizarre

She kept her rage in a bell jar

 

The ocean refused her sour breath

Under the floor boards swallowed pills for rest

Carbon monoxide dying is an art

Head in the oven; half-baked heart

 

She was young

She was smart

Martyr’s smile distorted; bizarre

She kept her rage in a bell jar

 

I think I made you up inside my head (repeat)

I shut my eyes and the world drops dead

 

 

 

 

 

=====Revised Version 1=======

 

Typewriter keys click at 4 A.M.

Black blots on pages with fountain pens

Poems to the dead; dry inkwell

Lady Lazarus back from Hell

 

She was young

She was smart

Martyr’s smile distorted; bizarre

She kept her rage in a bell jar

 

The ocean refused her sour breath

Under the floor boards swallowed pills for rest

Carbon monoxide dying is an art

Head in the oven; half-baked heart

 

She was young

She was smart

Martyr’s smile distorted; bizarre

She kept her rage in a bell jar

 

I think I made you up inside my head (repeat)

I shut my eyes and the world drops dead

 

 

 

=====Original Version=====

 

She lived to write
At least she tried
She tried to write
This mother; this wife

She was young
She was smart
Life outside distorted; bizarre
She kept her rage in a bell jar

She lived to die
At least she tried
She tried to die
This mother; this wife

She was young
She was smart
Life outside distorted; bizarre
She kept her rage in a bell jar

I think I made you up inside my head (repeat)
I shut my eyes and the world drops dead

 

 

It's weird as soon as I posted this song, I got an email about the following songwriting article:

 

http://nicholastozier.com/words/four-lessons-in-songwriting-from-sylvia-plath/

Edited March 2, 2014 by jamestoffee

[goldylocks]

Hey James, you know how you are honest with me, Well I have to be honest with you, The lyric is too vague, you need to insert some information other than she liked to write, like fiction and poetry, describe her delusions when she looked a flower or some description of her depression, how suicide taunted her. Suicide held a gun to her head. Her distorted mind told her, she was better off dead. Something like that.

 

Good start!  

 

 

Goldy 

Edited February 28, 2014 by goldylocks

[jamestoffee]

Hi Goldy,

 

Thanks for the feedback.  We need that to know if what we imagine is working or not for others.  As you can tell, I was going for a minimalistic approach but ended up too vague.....

 

....on my read of it this morning, I realized there is only one concrete image "bell jar", so the lack of concrete images is the weakness making it vague.

 

Thanks again

 

James

[jamestoffee]

***Poof*** more concrete details and sensory imagery added.

[Asaphstable]

James, I was immediately drawn to this by title alone, as "The Bell Jar" by Plath was one of the most intriguing reads I've ever encountered. "Head in the oven, half-baked heart"-- MAN, was that clever. Dark, but clever!

When I originally read the book, I didn't consider her so much angry as hurt. But obviously, bitterness drew her farther and farther away from any sort of hopeful, positive outlook, and so your line was a good observation: her rage kept her locked up in that bell jar! 

2 thumbs up from me! 

[jamestoffee]

Hi Asaphstable,

 

Kudos to Goldy for making me dig deeper.  I had recently read The Bell Jar and watched the movie Sylvia and read some of her poetry.  The poem "Daddy" reveals a lot of the rage in her work. 

 

I'm glad you go the oven reference

I added the "bees" sound effect at the end b/c of her father's studies on bees

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sylvia_(2003_film)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hHjctqSBwM

 

Thanks for the listen and post  

 

James

[Vagdavercustis]

I don't know the person so I used google on her
But without knowing who you're writing about I still can feel the emotions trough it.
I like the both versions you wrote. The first version better cause I don't seem to understand everything in the 2nd version. But that's just me... 

Keep up the good work!

[jamestoffee]

Hi Vagda,

 

 

I like the both versions you wrote. The first version better cause I don't seem to understand everything in the 2nd version. But that's just me... 

 

I understand what you mean.  Details seem to have a way of either drawing in or alienating listeners.

 

Thanks for the listen and post

 

James

[ames1212]

Hi james,

I love the metophors and the creative words that made it something different, not so cliché and generic. I do agree with goldy , one more verse to complete the story would make it really good. I loved the creativity behind it though. Good work.

[jamestoffee]

Hi ames1212.

 

 

 I do agree with goldy , one more verse to complete the story would make it really good.

 

I'll see what the muse can do on this  v1 is about her writing v2 is about her attempts and final suicide.....maybe a pre-verse about her childhood could be up at the front.

 

 

Thanks for the listen and post

 

James

[goldylocks]

Much better, I like the imagery you set up in the lyrics, now I can visualize the song. Lady Lazrus back from Hell. Head in the oven. Now it sounds great!  So much in an image like this one below.

 

 

 

 

 

Goldy

[jamestoffee]

_{Hi Amy,}

 

_{I added a v1 to show the "expectations" on her/women during that time period and hinting at her hospitalization from a nervous breakdown.  v2 her work v3 her suicide(s)}

 

_{Hi Goldy,}

 

_{Thanks for the second listen and feedback....and especially for the initial honest critique}

 

_James

[ames1212]

I like4 the verse you added, your words give a vivid imagery and it is really good. The changes it gave it more depth. Good job on it!

[jamestoffee]

_{Hi Amy,}

 

_{Thanks for the confirmation.}

 

_-James