I'm Losing My Mind

[bronzerebel]

This is literally just me losing my mind under pressure. This is supposed to be read as if it's like a rap battle between the demon (representing people around me who don't think I can make it as a rapper), and the rebel (myself). I'm more just looking for critique on the creativity etc

Demon:

Rebel stop writing this shit down, your f*cking drunk off your ass

Who are the f*ck are these people? If you walked a straight line wouldn't you pass

Blink 182 playing in the back, turning gold into brass

Yeah kiss her on the lips, show her a little class

Yeah stick your middle finger up, yeah grab that bitches ass

Who the f*ck do you think you are?

Stop being a pussy and get your head outta the stars

Get your head outta the clouds, cuz we both know this rap shit isn't gunna take you too far

Rebel:

Too many scars for my own accord

So ghost, a motherf*ckers gettin' bodied without a corpse

If purity is all I really want then I don't know if I can take anymore

No this ain't a depression, just want a display for my cracks

Screamin' motherf*ck society but I'm just whack

Like "can this white boy really write rhymes on a rack?"

Put a pen in my hand like a Glock and see how many bars Iraq

So this rap shit isn't gunna take me too far or make any impact?

There's no room for a rebel in society, homie this is all I'm good at

Demon:

Good? Homie you're half decent

There's a whole list of rappers you couldn't compete with

Why can't you just be good at math or some shit?

Why can't you be like all your friends, why the f*ck do you gotta spit?

How much more whack can you get?

You think you can be the best?

You're just gunna keep taking it on the chin

Like a warrior without a heart going into a battle with all his sin

There's no fire in your eyes, no smokes building from within

You'll always be in last place, homie you ain't ever gunna win

No royalty for your kin, your future is too ominous

We both know that you'll get too noxious

Your negativity is too dominant, we both know all of your dreams are where your vomit is

Motherf*cker you're in the wrong stream of conciseness

Nigga you ain't ever gunna be a rapper, the golden hypothesis

Rebel:

You ain't ever seen a rebel like me, a motherf*cker about to prosper

Big horned, red eyes; bitch I'm a monster

Like a warrior going into battle for all his honour

A holy figure behind the curtain, making wine outta water

Too much heat on the mic, homie it's gettin' hotter

Yeah give me more weight, look at me go without a spotter

Who the f*ck do you think you are? All your negativity is a goner

Sold out shows and concerts

Following the path that isn't

ominous

Infinite royalty, nigga the bottom of the Lazarus is bottomless

Pill poppin' anxiety, bullshit coming outta my esophagus

Too much confidence

I'm gunna f*ck up the world and that shit ain't even gunna be monogamous

The only rebel too ever spit real shit, now how's that for a golden hypothesis

Demon:

Nigga you just whack, you can't handle a full blown lyrical attack...

Rebel:

Nah shut your lips before I fill them with a dick

If I can't spit then why the f*ck are you starting your verse with an opening line that's shit?

Maybe you're inadequate, f*ck your hypothesis

Maybe I will get noxious, maybe I will get a little too much anxiety

Maybe I will run outta metaphors too get me notoriety

Maybe I won't be the best, shit I just wanna be able too say that I did what I loved when I'm 90

Edited April 2, 2014 by bronzerebel

[justsoulin]

Hiya. So we're not talking about the content, just the idea, this back & forth, push and pull battle, yes?

 

In that case, the idea is a good one, on the basis it's not been done before, where two rappers are on a stage trying to upstage the other. But in the dark recesses of my memory, sure I recall once seeing this done

[bronzerebel]

That's not what I meant by creativity. I meant through metaphors and format

[MrDoubleMan]

Hiya. So we're not talking about the content, just the idea, this back & forth, push and pull battle, yes?

 

In that case, the idea is a good one, on the basis it's not been done before, where two rappers are on a stage trying to upstage the other. But in the dark recesses of my memory, sure I recall once seeing this done

 

Eminem ft Dr Dre - Guilty Conscience

 

 

as far as structure go OP, it always sounds a little off when someone changes their end rhyme after an Even numbered bar.Odd . I find it flows a lot nicer if you switch after the Even numbers.

 

example

 

1) Rebel stop writing this shit down, your f*cking drunk off your ass

2) Who are the f*ck are these people? If you walked a straight line wouldn't you pass

3) Blink 182 playing in the back, turning gold into brass

4) Yeah kiss her on the lips, show her a little class

5) Yeah stick your middle finger up, yeah grab that bitches ass

6) Who the f*ck do you think you are? ----(seems off because you switched words here)

7) Stop being a pussy and get your head outta the stars

Get your head outta the clouds, cuz we both know this rap shit isn't gunna take you too far

 

IMO you should switch the rhyme on the 5th bar. so 1-4 is rhyme of ass, and 5-8 is rhyme of star

 

hope that makes sense

Edited June 6, 2014 by MrDoubleMan

[MrDoubleMan]

you also do it here ..

 

1)Too many scars for my own accord
2)So ghost, a motherf*ckers gettin' bodied without a corpse
3)If purity is all I really want then I don't know if I can take anymore
4)No this ain't a depression, just want a display for my cracks

 

you should continue with the "Or" sound on bar 4 as well, then switch to "ack" on bar 5

[omenrama]

Only thing I would suggest is have an idea of where you want it to end before you start writing; giving us the satisfaction of having read something whole - with a beginning, middle and end.

[m1k3]

I liked your ( Rebel's ) second verse the most.  I think the entire work got better as it progressed.

 

as far as structure go OP, it always sounds a little off when someone changes their end rhyme after an Even numbered bar.Odd . I find it flows a lot nicer if you switch after the Even numbers.

 

I also agree with MrDoubleMan.  This would definitely improve the flow of the rhyme. 

Edited June 27, 2014 by m1k3