Rap Verse For Critique (With Rhyme Scheme)

[Edmi]

Tough times I’m in.
Shopping at Wal-Mart, drive in,
Stopping the girl who stole my cart again,
I got smart, parked, put holes her cardigan,
Here comes Jose with his green card again,
Red gums, knee thumped, he hit me hard, bumpin.
Dead and dumped like Ted Ginn gettin’ hit,
head spinned off, fallin’ apart again.
Now I look like a slime, again.

 

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1: times, slime
2: I’m in, drive in, again, (card)igan, again, bumpin’, again, again (I know “again†is repetitive, but I love how it works in this scheme)
3: shopping, stopping
4: smart, parked, mart, cart, card(igan), card, hard, apart
5: stole, holes
6: comes, gums, thumped, dumped
7: green, knee, he, me
8: red, dead, Ted

[Edmi]

I titled this wrong. This is just something I started writing. Not a full verse.

[justsoulin]

I like the way you're helping me see how the rhymes work

[Edmi]

I appreciate that. It's a technique rappers tend to use when they want to make a complex rhyme scheme. Or you can use it after you write to see where you can tweak some things or to see if it is a good scheme.

[bronzerebel]

I can see how it would look like the word "again is being used repetitively. But just from reading this I think it would sound good over a beat. But I would replace "Red gums, knee thumped, he hit me hard, bumpin." With "Red gums, knee thumped, he hit me hard again". I don't know I guess I just like the idea of using a really similar rhyme or even using an exact rhyme like the use if the word "again" with complexity. Keep up the good work homie

[Edmi]

I originally had exactly what you wrote but I thought I used "again" too much, but it does sound better like that. Sometimes I think I try to make things too complex rather than just use what sounds good. Thanks for the help though i'll probably change it back to again instead of bumpin'

[Edmi]

Hey Rebel, how do you feel about me replacing "hard, bumpin" with "hard as gin"?!Because that works better phonetically with the "again" sound and it it a decent simile because gin hits hard if you drink too much.

[bronzerebel]

I think if you put that line ending with gin at the end it would work. But I really like how it would flow if it was just the word "again". "Cart again" "cardigan" "green card again". Or even if you just said "the gin hit me hard again"

[Edmi]

Alright thanks for the feedback, very helpful man

[bronzerebel]

No problem homie, I'd really like too see the finished piece

[Edmi]

You will for sure. The whole thing will go up on here

[Edmi]

No I don't know what you mean. Are you saying to not go the whole way up to 8?

[Edmi]

Rap is not limited to one emotion. It can be about anything. And a rhyme scheme can have as many rhymes as you want to have in it. Besides, the full version of this song that I posted is up and has plenty of your "hard life shit" in it. Some advice for you is to not be so close-minded.

[justsoulin]

 

all i can say you are not doing it right

 

Fesal, giving critique/feedback is about offering helpful advice. It's not about 'telling someone what to do'.

 

It's a discussion and something people have to learn how to do in a good way. That's why everyone has to give 2 critiques for every one lyric/song they post. So YOU learn too

[omenrama]

A little MF DOOM maybe?

[nihalkolar]

It's good but u lost the flow or i did at the end

'hit me hard, bumping', u should've written he hit me hard again
would've sounded better...

anyways i didnt get the topic?
i mean what r u talking about?