Looking For Feedback On Contest Entry.

[MrDoubleMan]

Whats up everybody. I just recently entered Jee Juhs Song Contest. The results will be out on the 7th of this month. I just wanted to see what people thought about my track on a lyrcial level.

 

 

LYRICS -

(Hook)
Put In The Seconds/ Put In the Years//
Put In My Sweat And/ Put In The Tears//
Learned Some Lessons/ And I Faced Some Fears//
Left Some Wreckage/ So I Gained Some Ears//

(Verse 1)
For 12 Years/ I've Held My Tears Back/
I Felt Fear/ That Helped Steer Me On Track/
Upheld Peers/ Tried To Propel Near Plaques/
But I Feel Hells Here/ And I Dwell Near That/  This Is/
Musical Therapy/ Bare With Me/ For A Moment/
Music Is Sparing Me/ I Can Barley/  Keep My Focus/
My Rarity Isn't Noticed/ Apparently Very Hopeless/
I Stare With Impaired Emotions/ While Cherishing Every Moment/
Despaired And I Swear That I'm Broken/ My Brain Is Unhinged/
The Pain Has Sunk In/ I'm Caged, And Condemned/
When I Get Off Of My Leash, Their Afraid To Contend/
No Fame To Befriend/ Just Flames In My Pen/
Raw, Rugged, Rough, Is How I'm Known To Go/
Four Four Below 0, I'm Cold As Snow/
I'm Not Known, Or No Pro/ No, My Phone Dont Blow/
I'm Home Grown, Like Your Own Zone, Grown At Home/

(Verse 2)
My Check Comes In, Not A Massive Amount/
But The Bills Add Up To Subtract My Account/
Insufficient Funds, No Transactions Allowed/
No Gas, No Food, No Snacks In The House/
Working 7 Till Close/ Studio Sessions Are Low/
Since The Depression Took Hold/ My Progression Has Slowed/
But I Express And Compose/ This Professions My Goal/
This Machine Gun/ Tongue/ Is The Weapon I Chose/
I'ma Do It Till My Time Stops/  Till My Life Rots/
Even Then I'll Keep One Eye Propped/ Like A Cyclops/.
Fricken Riddles/ Like Chicken Little/ Now Watch The Sky Drop/
Get You Served Early Or Late, Just Like An I Hop/
Why Watch/ What What I'm Doing, If You Dont Like/
Smoke Might/ Just Rise Up Out Of This Broke Mic/
Think I Wont Fight/ Take Your Back, Get The Choke Tight/
And You Say Your Heart Wont Quit, But Your Bones Might/

(Verse 3)
Feel Like The Only One Thats Floating In The Ocean/
Try To Hold In The Emotion/ Plus This Boat Is Full Of Holes And/
The Bolts Are Barley Holding/ The Coast Is Nowhere Close/
So I'm Just Hoping/ There's Land On This Globe/  And That I'll Soon Approach It/
Swimming Deeper Than I Can, It's The Way That I Live/
Plan To Use The Prize Money Just To Pay Off My Fridge/
I'm Drowning In Debt,/ And Bound To Regret/
All The Mounds That I Spent/ And Everyday That I Did/
Nothing/ Cussing/ Under My Breath/
Suffering/ Struggling/ I Just Wanna Be Blessed//
Hotter Than July, Like A Stevie Wonder Cassette/
I'm The Shit, If My Heart Stops, Plunger My Chest/
Call The Plumber Direct/ Is All You Can Do/
So Sick That, I Can Give The Flu The Flu/
It Takes Zero Of Me, To Kill Two Of You/
Caught Ryu Off Guard, I Haduken Too/

 

 

all feedback is very much appreciated !

Edited June 6, 2014 by MrDoubleMan

[omenrama]

Dope. Are you reading it when you record? If you are - you should burn it to memory so you are not reading when recording.

Edited June 26, 2014 by omenrama

[m1k3]

I like this a lot.  In my opinion, you're very talented.  Most rappers that use a high amount of multisyllable rhymes have a lot of filler.  All of your's have substance and a point.  This is impressive work and I realize the effort that goes into lyrics like that.

[MrDoubleMan]

I like this a lot.  In my opinion, you're very talented.  Most rappers that use a high amount of multisyllable rhymes have a lot of filler.  All of your's have substance and a point.  This is impressive work and I realize the effort that goes into lyrics like that.

 

thanks for the feedback bro.

[MrDoubleMan]

Dope. Are you reading it when you record? If you are - you should burn it to memory so you are not reading when recording.

 

yeah i was on that perticular song. The deadline was in a couple hours so i just had to get it done. I appreciate the advice.

[EJB]

I like this a lot.  In my opinion, you're very talented.  Most rappers that use a high amount of multisyllable rhymes have a lot of filler.  All of your's have substance and a point.  This is impressive work and I realize the effort that goes into lyrics like that.I

I couldn't have said it better and I totally agree.

 

Dude if your reading that while recording, I am impressed with that alone. I barely read as fast as you Rap.

 

Good Luck in the Contest,

 

EJB