Challenge # 36 Who Are These Betrayed Soldiers?

[goldylocks]

For years I've seen them walking the streets
Looking for handouts and something to eat
Their gnarled fingers riffling garbage bins
In shabby jackets with purple heart pins.

Heroes who would not fall down to the enemy
Soldiers of courage betrayed by society
Wrestling horrific memories feverishly every night
Battling nameless faces in a phantom fight

Hiding in a storm of illusion a terrorized veteran
Clutching a dripping liquor bottle in their hands
Numbing the pain of people's glaring stares
Knowing the life they have is going nowhere

Who are these betrayed soldiers?

Those sent to fight for you and me

Standing against all odds

Bound to serve their country
Let us never forget how much it cost
Let us never forget how much they lost
Giving honor for armed services done
To  brave men and women veterans

Edited June 30, 2014 by goldylocks

[jamestoffee]

Hi Goldy,

 

Nice take on the assignment.

 

Suggestions:

Who are these betrayed soldiers? 
THOSE sent to fight for you and me

 

Consider dropping the last verse that starts "Once they came home from war....." because it doesn't add anything new and it could work better not being war specific.  I thought about the Gulf War and then when you mentioned Vietnam War, it didn't match with all the images in my mind I had built up during the song.

 

One thing to watch for is stress patterns in the lines because irregular patterns will make the lyrics harder to put to music.

 

For example v1

- is unstressed syllable

v is stressed syllable

 

-......v.......-......v.......-........v....-.....-.....v

For years I've seen them walking the streets
v.......-.....-....v.......-......-....v....-.........-.....v

Looking for handouts and something to eat
 

-.........v....-......v...-.....v..-.......-...........v....-.......v

Their gnarled fingers riffling through garbage bins
v.......-......v....-.....v....-.....-......v...-......v......v

Wearing shabby jackets with purple heart pins

 

so lines 1, 2, and 4 have a rhythm going but line 3 is out of sync

one fix could be

 

...-......v.....-....v....-......v..-.....v.....-......v

Their gnarled fingers riffling garbage bins

 

or

...-......v.....-....v....-......v..-......-...........v

Their gnarled fingers riffling through bins

 

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

James
 

[goldylocks]

James thank you, as always you are such a great help and I followed all your suggestions. I have tried to understand stressed and unstressed syllable, but I still find it confusing.

 

 

 

Thanks again

 

Goldy

[jamestoffee]

> I have tried to understand stressed and unstressed syllable, but I still find it confusing.

 

I agree it can be confusing.

 

 

Here is an example of the rhythm of the lines working:

 

Mary had a little lamb

whose fleece was white as snow

and everywhere that Mary went

the lambs were sure to go

 

 

Here is an example of the rhythm of the lines NOT working:

 

 

Mary had a little lamb

whose fleece was white as snow

and when she went to the supermarket downtown

the lambs were sure to go

 

Notice here how line 3 pulls you out of the rhythm of the phrase when saying this out loud.

 

For more, you could read about Iambic pentameter

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iambic_pentameter

[sgtsoul]

I think the challenge was meant to be about a personal betrayal, with raw emotion. I love the song, and the sentiment, (I've coounted many Vietnam vets and two Afghan vets as friends) I am not sure it is on topic with the challenge though.
*"generic of events" your narrative is based on identifiable events

* ""It's all about the open honesty and rawness of emotion man! Emotion, emotion, emotion! We want it to touch our soul and make it weep in beautiful but sad colours man. Man I'm hungry, any idea where I can get some munchables?""...the lyric tells a story, it asks some questions, it tells us we should remember them, it doesn;t really have any emotion in it though

Edited June 30, 2014 by sgtsoul

[goldylocks]

> I have tried to understand stressed and unstressed syllable, but I still find it confusing.

 

I agree it can be confusing.

 

 

Here is an example of the rhythm of the lines working:

 

Mary had a little lamb

whose fleece was white as snow

and everywhere that Mary went

the lambs were sure to go

 

 

Here is an example of the rhythm of the lines NOT working:

 

 

Mary had a little lamb

whose fleece was white as snow

and when she went to the supermarket downtown

the lambs were sure to go

 

Notice here how line 3 pulls you out of the rhythm of the phrase when saying this out loud.

 

For more, you could read about Iambic pentameter

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iambic_pentameter

Thanks James I will read about the information. I don't know if it will help cause I took that free Pat Pattison course and when he started on that I got very confused watching the videos. But thanks for the info.

 

Goldy

Edited June 30, 2014 by goldylocks

[goldylocks]

I think the challenge was meant to be about a personal betrayal, with raw emotion. I love the song, and the sentiment, (I've coounted many Vietnam vets and two Afghan vets as friends) I am not sure it is on topic with the challenge though.

*"generic of events" your narrative is based on identifiable events

* ""It's all about the open honesty and rawness of emotion man! Emotion, emotion, emotion! We want it to touch our soul and make it weep in beautiful but sad colours man. Man I'm hungry, any idea where I can get some munchables?""...the lyric tells a story, it asks some questions, it tells us we should remember them, it doesn;t really have any emotion in it though

Nice to meet you Sgtsoul, and thank you for commenting on my lyric,.

 

Thanks again

Goldy

Edited June 30, 2014 by goldylocks