Experiment 1065

[nihalkolar]

Hey guys!
been a pretty long time since i came online over here so i couldn't critic out people's lyrics...

been busy with studies and stuff so yeah..

Anyways, here's my song and hope you guys like it
I couldn't upload the beat for some reason...
 

 

Verse 1

I'm the meanie now you see me, with my genies, 'now you lead me'

with my dreamie's, outta this dream, see, Wasn't with the speed, please

seek help for me, no peek-a-boo

dude, save me from these two freak brutes

unhook my goddamn dream root!

Wait, what's, what's happening now?

ain't stuck, just maddening out

outta here if your dangling me how

strangling me now from the tree top, 'bloah!'

I'm back again to the real world with a lack of strength

A bag of revenge, a sack of slit heads

again, i got more prey to finish it

finished up everything that started

from teensy things, im weeping so heartily

all i wanted was a good friend

but in the end, you were a con man

I was a gone man, a total goner said

By everyone, oh father, head me farther

From this mess im placed and dont forgot

That it

 

Hook

Looks like im going psycho, i go

Unleashing the devil to fight all

Being tested in a locked up asylum

just gonna experiment 1065, wont matter

Looks like im going psycho, i go

Unleashing the devil to fight all

Being tested in an asylum

 

Verse 2

I was as cold as ice

my core's melting off splice

The connection right between my life

composure and control oh 

its getting dimmer, slimmer like nights

Days and rays getting brighter sights

they hit my eyes and burn out my eyesight, oh my!

by brighter i mean they're beaming shit 

at my vision draining away reliance on humanity

I keep dreaming for a better day, on bleeding

I never stop hitting but now im done and leaving

'cause the society is changing, fading away

make a change today, stop hating your days

forget about rubbish and cherish the best moments

following this routine's turning into a hard thing

can't stop thinking about flickering about my pen

getting worried and suffering for no damn reason

its hard forgetting stuff and taking out the knife

that stabbed waste stuff into my mind

Rife about utterly waste matters all the time

that's got no sign of life 

or divine articles or particles in sight and 

 

Hook

Looks like im going psycho, i go

Unleashing the devil to fight all

Being tested in a locked up asylum

just gonna experiment 1065, wont matter

Looks like im going psycho, i go

Unleashing the devil to fight all

Being tested in an asylum

 

Verse 3

its just that i wanna scream out loud

im lost on an island with your shit now

Oh lord, somebody please get me out

Im going by my own survival skills, f*ck you now

f*ck ALL OF YOU MORONS

GET OUTTA MY STORAGE

SLOWING DOWN ALL MY ORGANS 

AIN'T SORTED BUT DISTORTED

I'VE GOT TOO MUCH TO HANDLE SOON

I'LL BE SAMPLE SOOT OR 

BE SUCKED UP IN A BLACK HOLE DOOMED

LETS ZOOM BACK IN TIME

BACK IN TIME TO THE LABS I BELONGED TO

GREW UP TO BE PERHAPS EXPERIMENTED WITH

THREW UP A COUPLE OF FILAMENTS BUT STILL IN

A POSITION OF NOT BEING SEALED IN 

A ROOM NO MORE I CANT TAKE THAT SHIT ANYMORE

OH NO!, I GOTTA RUN AWAY FROM THIS, GONE FAR

AS FAR AS THE ORION NEBULA

MAYBE THAT'S MY NEXT DESTINATION

 

Hook

Looks like im going psycho, i go

Unleashing the devil to fight all

Being tested in a locked up asylum

just gonna experiment 1065, wont matter

Looks like im going psycho, i go

Unleashing the devil to fight all

Being tested in an asylum

[Blazeit27]

I see A lot of potential here brother. I would actually be down to go line by line showing you where I believe you should tweak around some words you've chosen but I'd feel as if I'd change it into something Too diff. On my own, & maybe change the meaning You've given it.. If you'd like, message me & we'll work on it as we see each other's takes

Jah Bless

Edited July 20, 2014 by Blazeit27

[Blazeit27]

I like the first & 2nd verse tho

Edited July 20, 2014 by Blazeit27

[nihalkolar]

heyy man!
Thanks and yepp, we could kinda like keep in touch, i mean work out  each others stuff

[Defunct]

I don't know who gave your topic a 1 star vote. I gave it 4 to even it out a bit. People have an uneducated, bigoted view on the rap genre. It's been put in a bad light for the longest time because it was adopted by so many crooked guys as their musical outlet of choice, but that doesn't make the genre any less of an art form than the rest of them, it's just been given a bad rap (pun intended).

 

As for your flow, I personally think your imagery and emotion improves into your 2nd verse but then slightly loses it's way in your 3rd. A strong final verse (in this case your 3rd) benefits by making a strong final statement before leading back into the final chorus, and maybe I'm simply ignorant of some significance you've placed on the Orion Nebula, but it's just got me scratching my head rather than nodding it. Is there also some significance to the number 1065, or is it just convenient for your rhyme scheme (which is a perfectly fine reason for using it)?

 

Shining a light on what I enjoyed: "finished up everything that started - from teensy things, im weeping so heartily - all i wanted was a good friend

but in the end, you were a con man" <------ Dig this.   

 

"GET OUTTA MY STORAGE - SLOWING DOWN ALL MY ORGANS - AIN'T SORTED BUT DISTORTED" <--- REALLY dig this.

 

"LETS ZOOM BACK IN TIME - BACK IN TIME TO THE LABS I BELONGED TO - GREW UP TO BE PERHAPS EXPERIMENTED WITH - THREW UP A COUPLE OF FILAMENTS BUT STILL IN - A POSITION OF NOT BEING SEALED IN" <--- Also dig.

 

My biggest and simplest suggestion for working on your material is to describe the problem(s) and solution(s) rather than just rant about them. Anyone can yell about what's wrong with everything. Share with and convince people why it's wrong and what's to be done about it, and you have yourself an audience. Hope this two cents helps!    

[Dhananjay M Venkatesh]

haha i agree with chipper here, good work nihal

Peace

[nihalkolar]

lol, sorry for being late xD
THANKS A LOT CHPPER!

really helped me