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Defunct

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  • Songwriting Collaboration
    Interested With Written Agreement
  • Musical / Songwriting / Music Biz Skills
    Lyricist, Drums (limited)
  • Musical Influences
    The Walkmen, The Raconteurs, Electric Light Orchestra, Foo Fighters, Led Zeppelin, The Who, Queen, Pink Floyd, Showbread, Emery, Cold War Kids, Cake, Relient K, Elvis Costello

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    Dirt worms, Paiste cymbals, Swiss Fondue, etc.
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    United States of America
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  1. I don't know who gave your topic a 1 star vote. I gave it 4 to even it out a bit. People have an uneducated, bigoted view on the rap genre. It's been put in a bad light for the longest time because it was adopted by so many crooked guys as their musical outlet of choice, but that doesn't make the genre any less of an art form than the rest of them, it's just been given a bad rap (pun intended). As for your flow, I personally think your imagery and emotion improves into your 2nd verse but then slightly loses it's way in your 3rd. A strong final verse (in this case your 3rd) benefits by making a strong final statement before leading back into the final chorus, and maybe I'm simply ignorant of some significance you've placed on the Orion Nebula, but it's just got me scratching my head rather than nodding it. Is there also some significance to the number 1065, or is it just convenient for your rhyme scheme (which is a perfectly fine reason for using it)? Shining a light on what I enjoyed: "finished up everything that started - from teensy things, im weeping so heartily - all i wanted was a good friend but in the end, you were a con man" <------ Dig this. "GET OUTTA MY STORAGE - SLOWING DOWN ALL MY ORGANS - AIN'T SORTED BUT DISTORTED" <--- REALLY dig this. "LETS ZOOM BACK IN TIME - BACK IN TIME TO THE LABS I BELONGED TO - GREW UP TO BE PERHAPS EXPERIMENTED WITH - THREW UP A COUPLE OF FILAMENTS BUT STILL IN - A POSITION OF NOT BEING SEALED IN" <--- Also dig. My biggest and simplest suggestion for working on your material is to describe the problem(s) and solution(s) rather than just rant about them. Anyone can yell about what's wrong with everything. Share with and convince people why it's wrong and what's to be done about it, and you have yourself an audience. Hope this two cents helps!
  2. Sounds unfinished. Great meter and flow, but I could see your rhymes coming a mile away. Clean up your presentation and shake up your rhyme choices. Your first several lines are somewhat intriguing and with some clarification I really think you could go somewhere with it. But then you break away from "she" (whoever she is, we want more details man!) and it all devolves into the typical "tough guy don't trust the system I've got a sermon to preach to you" kinda thing, which is a dime a dozen in this market. Give listeners something real to relate to and characters to empathize with, and you've got an emotionally engaging song. Hope this helps some mate! Cheers, Benny
  3. Thanks for the link, John. : ) I've read several of those articles already, but they make excellent reference material as well. Lately I've been trying to gauge my commitment to writing on a more serious level, so digging into all the material I can get my hands on seems a good start towards sharpening my edges.
  4. Wow, wish I'd started peeking into this forum sooner. I'm still going through 'Writing Better Lyrics" (bought it several months ago). Thanks for the heads up Gary, even though I'm late, I signed up to watch for future sessions. : )
  5. Welcome to the forums Chipper Spiff :)

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