Gloom

[soj4trade]

I was recently ejected from my relationship - the best five years of my life. My struggles with depression brought no spoils of war, but rather drove the woman I love, far away. Without writing, I have nothing. Please, enjoy these words. I am always seeking to improve, so criticisms are most welcome. I am unsure of whether they should be considered lyrics, or poetry. Whatever they are, their origin is that of my broken heart. The title is, "Gloom."

 

Through countless seasons did I slumber-
Behind a guise of untrue qualm.
Thy grail of nectarous wine has been spilled.
Within a frostbitten home, before a settling winter, I awoke alone.
A shortening waistline, through a mirror, she spoke in tongues at bewitching hours.
I fell heir to nothing but fault - a villainous plunderer of half-decade, elder courtship.

 

For she must bear a puzzle, I hoped, in a frenzied madness.
Some sentence - a skeleton key, to rewind thy pendulum of neglect.
Lost within ocular precipitation, I hunt for the jigsaw piece yet.
Slaving, slaving - for El Dorado is erected beyond the riddle in her heart.

 

An organ, frozen, though still beating with devotion.
To resume midnight slumber, I swallow thy familiar potion.
To a nightmare, kneeling shackled on a shoreline, as her newborn sails unravel.
Her unyielding hull dexterously separates ice, in thy desolate arctic ocean.
She is consumed by the horizon.
I carry a hanging head.
Again I awaken.

 

And now, in her absence and shame, I dwell for a lifetime.
Seeking tales of her prosperity and fruitions, by way of grapevine.
Clothed in fatigue, whence yesterday neighbored her and misfortune.
At the elbow of relentless bereavement did she radiate yet, remarkably divine.
And so, may it be rational for her grasp to loosen, thereafter a fortnight.
In the shell of a formerly fortunate gentleman, thy heart stops, cold in moonlight.

 

And in the pursuit of a brighter future, is where I lost a future.

 

Through primeval forests, like a phantom, I flew.
From the distance we kept, pestilence grew.
Down poisoned throats of the departed, antidotes splash fruitless.
Alike pledges from the wholehearted, at the end, render useless.

[MonoStone]

I think these words lend themselves to becoming a song... maybe not a typical pop song but...a song. And these words convey more emotion and FEEL better than many 'Lyrics' I've read without music.

 

All lyrics are a poem until they're put to music.

Although some lines don't work well for a song, like  - a villainous plunderer of half-decade, elder courtship. 

 

As the lyric goes on it seems to flow and rhyme better. If you want it to be a song you need to imagine it being sung.... and at times I can imagine these words working really well. From 'an organ' onwards they work... although they might need an edit by the composer/singer to fit exactly, there's a nice feel and each verse from there on ends with a strong feeling which I can imagine would have a lot of power when sung to the right tune.

 

Watch out for trying too hard like - ocular precipitation.... just say tears or crying, or else it comes across as you trying too hard to say things in a clever way. But on the whole I personally like the use of words in the majority of this. 

 

Dek

[JamesJones]

very cool man i like the lyracis m if it was a song id say i really like it but as poetry i like it as well