Game-on (work in progress)

[TheSylentType]

[verse 1]

I'm a young boy

Fresh in the game

Remember the days on my game boy

Playing pokémon it was game-on

But everything went on

No one stood still to look

How good we had it, shoot!

 

But we kept playing

The game of life can't be turned off

sometimes we feel off, not in the game

but we can't blame the players

People came and went

They were twisted and bend

It's f*cked up to see them go

down the path between heaven and hell

it's a no-go

 

Standing powerless craving for an end

Hoping they won't turn their back

'Cause it will drag you down

Flood your mind and flow now

Through a ghost town of Eden

The precious fantasy beaten

 

It's like multiple layers

You can try to bend them, stretch them

But in the end you can't beat the game

There's no turning off, no one to blame

There's only moving forward and sometimes flying high in the sky

To tumble back down because it's very sly

 

As we look to others

They have no worries

Everything is good, nothing bothers

Looks blurred by our vision

Eyes wide open, split decision

You got to row with the oars you have

And show them the goals you cashed

It's an endless parade

Brands, looks and habits displayed

But in the end you can't be changed

You are you and she is caged

In the material society she is maintained

 

We're like Link, Mario or Luigi

Trying to free the princess

We can buy her Dior or Gucci

But it's Bowser who gives less

And takes her away

We can fail the game any day

If you pursue your dream

You will beat it and become her main

It's worth every second, sweat an tears

You can beat it, cheers!

 

[Hook] x2

 

We're going hard mode, boss mode

Fighting off creeps and dragons

There's no single cheat code

Fully loaded with weapons

 

 

 

[Just1L]

It's hard for me to give a good crit on this since I kind of need to hear it to feel how it's working. Just reading through, there are some lines that could be tightened up, some maybe deleted or changed, and some are stellar, some are cliche, in short it feels like there's a lot going on. Which I think is a good thing and at the end of the day, I get what it's about. Overall, reading through it, I keep finding myself saying "yeah, ok, he gets it, it's working" then I'm unsure and then it brings me back to that thought. It seems like this would work and be a good start for laying down some vocals. The main two lines that bugged me were the "no-go" line and the "because it's very sly" line. The felt forced. Other than that this has some good lines and a good base to work from IMO.

[RikGrimesIsDead]

its a good effort man,i agree with @Just1L regarding some of the lines need chopping some need coating over,i think some of the words used are great about the game and how its played etc etc. good job

keep grinding MUCHLOVE

[TheSylentType]

Thanks both of you @Just1L, @RikGrimesIsDead!

Will try to refine my lines.

If possible could you give an exemple of a line that needs adjustment?  This is my first rap and I'm trying to understand the things that can be and wich can't be done.

 

Aron

[Just1L]

Aside from the two lines I mentioned, it's hard for me to say what to edit without hearing the flow. Here is one example though:

 

People came and went

They were twisted and bend bent

____________________

 

This is a section where I can't hear the flow ... 

It's like multiple layers

You can try to bend them, stretch them

 

but for example:

 

It's like multiple layers filled with multiple players

You can bend 'em and stretch 'em flushin' out all betrayers

 

So right there I may have changed the rhyme and flow of what you have in your mind. Do you have a melody in mind? Have you sung this out?

 

[RikGrimesIsDead]

i think the "you can be her main"......main what? this wouldnt be said in real life talk if you understand my point??

"sweat an tears........you can beat it cheers, i think this is forced just to finish the rhyme.

 

"it took all my blood sweat and tears,i won the game and faced all my fears"

 

hey but everyone has different styles and structures,remember this is feedback not being critical

[TheSylentType]

1 hour ago, Just1L said:

Aside from the two lines I mentioned, it's hard for me to say what to edit without hearing the flow. Here is one example though:

 

People came and went

They were twisted and bend bent

____________________

 

This is a section where I can't hear the flow ... 

It's like multiple layers

You can try to bend them, stretch them

 

but for example:

 

It's like multiple layers filled with multiple players

You can bend 'em and stretch 'em flushin' out all betrayers

 

So right there I may have changed the rhyme and flow of what you have in your mind. Do you have a melody in mind? Have you sung this out?

 

@Just1L

Okay I get what you mean.

I used that "you can bend them, stretch them" as a bridge to the next lines, but love what you did with it!

Also I have sung the song out, but I'm horribly bad at rapping/singing haha  I would be too embarrassed to put it here.

And I think you just wrote what I wanted to write in your first example, but English isn't my first language so these errors might happen often.

Thanks a lot for the feedback will be working on the things you mentioned.

[TheSylentType]

@RikGrimesIsDead

I used main in the meaning like some say side b*tch, in order too stay in the rhyme with day.

Hope this clarifies it a bit  

Thanks for the feedback mate! 

[Just1L]

27 minutes ago, TheSylentType said:

@Just1L

Okay I get what you mean.

I used that "you can bend them, stretch them" as a bridge to the next lines, but love what you did with it!

Also I have sung the song out, but I'm horribly bad at rapping/singing haha  I would be too embarrassed to put it here.

And I think you just wrote what I wanted to write in your first example, but English isn't my first language so these errors might happen often.

Thanks a lot for the feedback will be working on the things you mentioned.

 

Good deal. I do just want to ask … Would Mario or Luigi be too embarrassed to do it?? I mean, I'm sure the first time they suited up in the raccoon costume the were like "What the hell? This thing? I'd be too embarrassed to have people see me in this getup." But then they used it and lo and behold it's a great thing they have there. I say, go for it. Practice, practice some more and then just go for it. Sing it out. Use a free app to download a beat with the rhythm you want and let it rip. I wasted about 20 years not playing music, especially singing, because my 7th grade teacher told me I didn't have a good voice and should drop out of choir. Even though I don't have a great voice, it gets the job done. Don't be embarrassed, just do your best. Yeah, it may really suck but then again, with some practice it may not. You could have a really killer tone to your voice that is unique and nobody will ever know if they don't hear it. Unleash the beast. Just my 2 cents on it.

[TheSylentType]

Damn must have felt bad for you!

I went to your Soundcloud and must say I dig your voice though.

I will practice singing it.

[TheSylentType]

So after a few days and some adjustments I did record my song.

I've added 2 more verses and replaced the hook.

Hope you guys can give some feedback.

I know sometimes I stammer (right word?) on the words so the flow might not be flawless but please ignore this haha

Thanks for the support guys @Just1L @RikGrimesIsDead!