Lyrics Writing Challenge #6 - Opposites

[Pahchisme Plaid]

21 hours ago, Timbre said:

Great imagery throughout and I really like the double opposites of labor hard/rest easy in your chorus. I kept getting tripped up on that "my arms, my arms". It's not  a tongue twister in any way; it's very singable but it felt  "extra" for some reason. 

 

An idea that occurred to me is to tweak that line to remove the extra bits and then repeat the whole thing twice, like so:

 

You labor hard, but you'll rest easy, love,
Rest easy in my arms tonight

You labor hard, but you'll rest easy, love,
Rest easy in my arms tonight

 

Even if you kept the chorus to just 2 lines, changing the cadence of that second line makes it sound more complete/stable to my ear. Just my take. ~T

 

P.S. on posting too soon--I struggle with hanging on too long because I can't figure something out or it doesn't quite feel ready and I want to put out a finished product. For me letting go and posting too soon is now the whole point. That way I can stay open to suggestions rather than being so fixed on my ideas that I'm reluctant to try others' ideas on for size. The challenges are good for letting go, because of that pesky time crunch built in before the next challenge comes along!

You're perceptive, Timbre.  I did sort of tack the extra "my arms" on there.  I think I had sort of a fleeting melody that provoked with that, but its gone now.  I has no REAL purpose there, except for that.  I'll hang onto your suggestion of the two-line doubled up chorus and see what works when I put melody to it.  Putting melody to it sometimes alters things.  I like your reasoning that it gives more stability to this because these lyrics sort of have that sense of providing comfort--to me, a good reason to have a stable format.

Your P.S. makes total sense.  I like how you put it.

[Pahchisme Plaid]

Better late than never, Skin!  The idea is to get you writing and you did, so kudos!!  This has such sweet sentiment.  You've got a stable structure in your lines with evens 4s and 2 with the exception of the sort of bridge (that's what you meant, right?) which though has 5 lines, I can almost hear that last one as a whisper, which just adds to the fun of it and doesn't feel unbalanced to me at all.  I read this as a dad's adoration of his daughter (and not that you call your girlfriend/wife baby girl), so I hope I got that right.  It has a contented, light-hearted feel to the lyrics and I hope that comes across in the music that accompanies it.  It gives me an image of a dad sitting on the floor while his toddler toddles or stands at the bottom of the doorway steps  shielding her from a fall as she ascends and descends again and again.  Maybe even chasing after her in time to keep her from something she shouldn't have.  It's really sweet!

[ALOPRODUCTIONZ]

checking to see if im doing this right, this is what i have so far

 

If ugly is beautiful.
why am ignoring the worlds ignorance in my cubical?

If god gave me a high 5 would it make the world  flat?
or make my head expand, until, a big bang?

 

The beauty of this world is so ugly
i'm prepared to become unprepared
to be starved but not hungry.

im like a Buddhist with a thirst
sipping at an ocean with my words
i can see clearly but im blind too this verse

 

illuminated luminous
 Illuminati pyramids
guiding our path through the night
while the days dark. god is my light
 

[Peggy]

On 8/5/2017 at 2:40 AM, ALOPRODUCTIONZ said:

checking to see if im doing this right, this is what i have so far

 

If ugly is beautiful.
why am ignoring the worlds ignorance in my cubical?

If god gave me a high 5 would it make the world  flat?
or make my head expand, until, a big bang?

 

The beauty of this world is so ugly
i'm prepared to become unprepared
to be starved but not hungry.

im like a Buddhist with a thirst
sipping at an ocean with my words
i can see clearly but im blind too this verse

 

illuminated luminous
 Illuminati pyramids
guiding our path through the night
while the days dark. god is my light
 

Hi Alo,

Reads like opposites to me

Unique lines looking forward to your finishing the write. Interesting and would like to see the rest.

"ignorance in my cubical" 

Peggy

[Pahchisme Plaid]

It's like Peggy was thinking the same things as me.  Except my favorite was about the Buddhist with a thirst all the way to blind to this verse--unique mind picture!

[ALOPRODUCTIONZ]

On 05/08/2017 at 8:40 AM, ALOPRODUCTIONZ said:

checking to see if im doing this right, this is what i have so far

 

If ugly is beautiful.
why am ignoring the worlds ignorance in my cubical?

If god gave me a high 5 would it make the world  flat?
or make my head expand, until, a big bang?

 

The beauty of this world is so ugly
i'm prepared to become unprepared
to be starved but not hungry.

im like a Buddhist with a thirst
sipping at an ocean with my words
i can see clearly but im blind too this verse

 

illuminated luminous
 Illuminati pyramids
guiding our path through the night
while the days dark. god is my light

 

is that far enough ?
i deliver intellectual efficiency
without displaying any level of difficulty.
i hold a hammer for meta-philosophy
but what is that? 
ohh a hammer, a war hammer.
 walk with me walk magnificantly
im dragging a horse to the sea
after depriving the water it needs
don't tell me you cant make a starved animal drink or eat

 

animals abused humans abused

were all in a noose tell me who is confused

who's in the news?

me, him? or you

i guess were discovering this world is the truth

 

 

[symphonious7]

On 5/30/2017 at 8:14 PM, Lisa Gates said:

Just a start:

 

The Young Will Steer the Old

 

There's a typewriter collecting dust

This young man thinks he will teach us

Old guys, new tricks

Humph! don't think they mix

 

He grew up a cellphone in his hand

Digital native in Holy land

Young man, cool life

Looking through clear eyes

 

It's a strange twist of fate

How life ends up like this

Faster than a blink

Smarter than you think

As you look, behold!

the young will steer the old

 

Driving down the streets I thought I'd teach

Younger ones see a two way street

Wise men lecture

Childish adventure

 

It's a strange twist of fate

How life ends up like this

Faster than a blink

Smarter than you think

As you look, behold!

the young will steer the old

 

Clear as a bell

Muddy waters never tell

Where they came from, where they're going to

Guided by technology

To succeed in society

 

It's a strange twist of fate

How life ends up like this

Faster than a blink

Smarter than you think

As you look, behold!

the young will steer the old

 

 

That was seriously fantastic.  I can't believe you just wrote that!!!  Like seriously????  That was sooooo good.  Just, here, you deserve this.  

 

 

Ok I'm gonna try lol.  

 

I'm losing her again, I don't know what went wrong,

I started off explaining right, I just went on too long,

But now she's drifting further, I'm leaving her behind,

Cause she can't take the overload,

And I'm pent up inside,

 

Emotions always leaping out!  Without any permission,

It happens without giving thought, or making a decision,

 

I'm losing her again, I think she's really bored,

If I could crack a joke, I know I'd strike a chord,

Instead I'm analyzing and I really don't know why,

Cause she can't take the overload,

And I'm pent up inside,

 

Maybe down in India I might could find a yogi,

Who'd show me how to sit and think on nothing but baloney,

 

But till I get the chance, we're going through the dance,

I output all the time, she just wants peace of mind,

I hope before she's had enough, a better way I find,

Cause she can't take the overload,

And I'm pent up inside

 

 

 

 

 

[Lisa Gates]

On 8/19/2017 at 8:56 AM, symphonious7 said:

That was seriously fantastic.  I can't believe you just wrote that!!!  Like seriously????  That was sooooo good.  Just, here, you deserve this.  

 

 

Ok I'm gonna try lol.  

 

I'm losing her again, I don't know what went wrong,

I started off explaining right, I just went on too long,

But now she's drifting further, I'm leaving her behind,

Cause she can't take the overload,

And I'm pent up inside,

 

Emotions always leaping out!  Without any permission,

It happens without giving thought, or making a decision,

 

I'm losing her again, I think she's really bored,

If I could crack a joke, I know I'd strike a chord,

Instead I'm analyzing and I really don't know why,

Cause she can't take the overload,

And I'm pent up inside,

 

Maybe down in India I might could find a yogi,

Who'd show me how to sit and think on nothing but baloney,

 

But till I get the chance, we're going through the dance,

I output all the time, she just wants peace of mind,

I hope before she's had enough, a better way I find,

Cause she can't take the overload,

And I'm pent up inside

 

 

 

 

 

OMG! I love my trophy! You are so sweet

My recent move to Nashville has me scrambling a little financially so I don't have internet at home. I haven't signed on to SS in too long! I'm so sorry not to reply sooner. Symph, your lyrics have much better phrasing than mine. I'm impressed with them and can form a melody to them as I read them. Nice Job!!