Oh the soft Tennessee Wind poem

[Lisa Gates]

I have an opportunity to submit a 100 words or less poem for possible publishing by November 22. I'm posting it because I'm as done as i can be but know your eyes may see something else. This is based off my song. Thank you for any input. I have edited this to maybe make the lines more clear. Your thoughts?

 

Blinded by lies I told myself

Truth is losing you was the hardest hand I’ve been dealt

Then the clouds rolled in and hid the love I had for you

As the mountains filled with music beckoned me to come

To come let the cool country air clear my mind

And try to put the past behind

Oh the soft Tennessee wind keeps calling your name

Reminding me you’re gone and that I should move on

May all my memories forever glide on the soft Tennessee wind

Until we meet again

[Peggy]

On 11/13/2018 at 12:15 PM, Lisa Gates said:

I have an opportunity to submit a 100 words or less poem for possible publishing by November 22. I'm posting it because I'm as done as i can be but know your eyes may see something else. This is based off my song. Thank you for any input. I have edited this to maybe make the lines more clear. Your thoughts?

 

Blinded by lies I told myself

 

 

Truth is, losing you was the hardest hand I’ve been dealt

 

 

Then the clouds rolled in and hid the love I had for you

 

 

As the mountains filled with music, beckoned me to come

 

 

To come let the cool country air clear my mind

 

 

And try to put the past behind

 

 

Oh the soft Tennessee wind keeps calling your name

 

 

Reminding me you’re gone and that I should move on

 

 

May all my memories forever glide on the soft Tennessee wind

 

 

Until we meet again

 

 

2 commas.  Very nice good luck!

[Lisa Gates]

Hi Peggy,

You must be reading my mind. I made some changes and ADDED some punctuation!

great minds think a like.

🙂

[lemonstar]

I feel that the whole piece is too vague to feel like it really means something - when I read something that feels like pure fiction, I feel it has less impact - it doesn't provoke the same level of emotion or catalyse much in the way of thinking more deeply about the narrative - it could be any woman and any man in any place in any number of circumstances and I just don't buy the usual response I get when I make this kind of comment - "that it's open to the reader to interpret it as they wish" - I tend to think it is laziness or an unwillingness for the writer to really do the leg work and engage with their own material or a reluctance to accept any value in the perspective I'm supporting - that by adding a few realistic details - even if they are fictional - it can make a piece far more worth the investment of time that the writer wants from a reader. I could go through it line by line and imagine ways in which details could be added but I really don't want to to come across critical purely for its own sake. As examples - "lies" - what lies - about what - give an example or a suggestive taster - an entire water-tight narrative isn't needed - you could talk about believing the male protagonist being in the places they said they were or that they would leave the other woman - end a fling or a marriage - pay back the money owed - relocate and set up home together - recover from an illness, etc "losing you" - in what way and why was it hard? The "Tennessee wind" - I want to know some specific details about this - is it the sounds or the aromas carried on the wind - what time of day - is the air warm or dry or cool or damp or erratically changing direction  or always coming down off the Appalachian in the spring evenings or....or....etc. and why is so meaningful to the female character - is it a reminder of some special moment...I feel some details would really help to make this feel more real - I think what writers are afraid of is actually nailing their vague ideas down - it's like a fear of creating real fiction or maybe, when it is based on a real situation (that's almost always the way I write) it might feel as though the reality of a situation and the words you have to use to describe it just aren't attractive enough or maybe the narrative seems too trivial or mudane or... a million other reasons writers use to self-harm (metaphorically speaking).

 

On the poetic front - I always like to see (actually "hear!") thoughtful, sophisticated, inventive, intelligent word choices that make use of assonance, consonance, alliteration, etc - I think end rhyme is to poetry what sarcasm is to humour.

 

The problem with poetry is that it's such a broad church that I've found over the last 10 years of reading and writing it - that it's very hard to find writers on the same wavelength - we all seem so different in our outlooks, values, aims, methods and aesthetics. All I can do is share my view on things - and what I say or how I think is no more right than anyone else's opinion on things.

 

Perhaps if there is one thing I would do with this - is think of the Tennessee wind as the thread on which you thread all the other beads of your story - somehow it needs to unify the whole piece in a way that is satisfying and for me that means a thread of meaning in this wind and it's relation to the story and the characters in it and there has to be something about that particular wind that gives it a unique or identifiable character - this would be my ideal or my aim. hth - I'm open to disagreement!

[Lisa Gates]

Lemonstar, thank you for your critique. I’ve never written a poem (that would be sumitted); only lyrics so this was out of my league I think.

I get your point about it being vague.

In line 1 it was "lies"; In line 2 it was the "truth" (I was trying to be catchy)

“losing you” is defined in the last line “until we meet again” as in a death (or it could be a break up but in reality it was death) Is it too far apart in the structure?

I was hoping the “music in the mountains” would be a realistic detail about Tennessee

I’ve changed the lines that have the Tennessee Wind in them. One is "I hear" the wind calling his name; the other I l"et memories take wing" on the soft Tennessee wind. Does this bring more meaning to it? It does to me but I’m the writer so my emotional connection to the words are explained in my feelings when I read them. This may not be true to a new set of eyes that have no emotional connection. I’m trying to learn to do this better.

Ah the end rhyme… it’s the song writer in me! I can’t help it! I should have studied some poetry (not just read poems)

Again thank you for sharing your views. I’ve made a few changes below:

 

Blinded by lies I told myself.

Truth is losing you was the hardest hand I’ve been dealt.

How I prayed the clouds would rain to hide the tears I cried for you.

Just then music from the mountains beckoned me to come,

to come let the cool country air clear my mind,

to try to put the past behind.

Now I hear the soft Tennessee wind calling your name,

reminding me you’re gone and that I should move on.

I’ll let my memories take wing on the soft Tennessee wind,

until we meet again.

[lauren8]

Just then music from the mountains beckoned me to come,

 

 

to come let the cool country air clear my mind,

 

 

to try to put the past behind.

 

 

Now I hear the soft Tennessee wind calling your name,

 

 

reminding me you’re gone and that I should move on.

 

 

I’ll let my memories take wing on the soft Tennessee wind,

 

 

until we meet again.

 

 

 

---I hear the specifics of Tennessee here. I would consider even more specifics, which county air? Specifics with universal. Until we meet again--may be consider ending your poem on an even stronger unique line?  a play on the word  "Tennessee"--see, missing, longing, wishing, when we meet, wandering, with me.....I like the imagery you used though! 

[scotsman89]

On 11/13/2018 at 6:15 PM, Lisa Gates said:

I have an opportunity to submit a 100 words or less poem for possible publishing by November 22. I'm posting it because I'm as done as i can be but know your eyes may see something else. This is based off my song. Thank you for any input. I have edited this to maybe make the lines more clear. Your thoughts?

Lisa may b to many words with the ones i added 

 

 

 

 losing you was the hardest hand I’ve ever been dealt

 

 

When  the dark clouds rolled in  i hide the love i had felt

 

 

the mountains filled with music keep beckoning me to come

 

 

To  let the cool country air blow away these troubled thoughts

 

 

But the soft Tennessee wind keeps whispering  your name

 

 

Reminding me you’ve moved on and i should do the same

 

But the memories still remain 

 

And the the soft Tennessee wind keeps whispering your name

 

 

 

 

Edited October 20, 2019 by scotsman89

[Mac Wilkey]

I liked the original post of this poem. Adding commas okay but only if needed to traffic cop the word flow—make it read the way you want it to read without backtracking to get it right. 
 

did you submit?

[Lisa Gates]

On 5/23/2020 at 5:30 AM, Mac Wilkey said:

I liked the original post of this poem. Adding commas okay but only if needed to traffic cop the word flow—make it read the way you want it to read without backtracking to get it right. 
 

did you submit?

yes, i submitted it. I got no reply. I assume they never used it. This was a messy poem. I was trying to shorten my song into a poem. it did not translate well. I love the song. It's on my soundcloud if you want to listen to it.

Thanks 🙂

[Mac Wilkey]

I will check it out. I’ve got SoundCloud App but when I clicked on SoundCloud button in another post/invite i was asked to Get the App. Ill use my app and look for yours. 
 

 I haven’t submitted poems in years. Sent in my best ones and got weird or no response. I write a macabre poem once that an online mag took. 

Edited May 26, 2020 by Mac Wilkey
Typo

[Lisa Gates]

my soundcloud link is below. you can click it and it should bring you there. 🙂

 

[Mac Wilkey]

I still don’t see the link. If I search for Lisa gates I get a bunch of folks

[Mac Wilkey]

@Lisa Gates I spotted the link you posted from my computer screen after I realized that your SoundCloud name didn't have the space in it.

Wasn't expecting the sound you have, but I like it a lot.  I had you pegged for a Karen Carpenter type voice.    You'll do well