song First lyrics- Please comment

[Stellarmystery]

❤️ Hey guys ❤️

This is my first ever song! I'm actually much more of a poet and short story writer and wanna check out my song writing skills. Please comment what you think especially since i'm a terrible singer 😢 

I wanna name this song as either "Small bird in the huge tree" Or "Without you" Tell me which suits the song the best.  

 

(V1)

You gave me strength to move on

made me jolly out of this world

You uplifted me

took away my timid self (yeah)

You made me SO bright

SO happy SO merry

That sometimes I wondered if this was me

You made me open up

So much it was frightening

and

sometimes I wonder though

if this was fake

if this was just a bet

with you and your friends

cause I aint no fun

and you were just playing with me

messing in my head

And if you really wanna be friends with this nobody..(nobody)

 

(chorus)

Without you

I would still be that small bird in that huge tree

Which expanded northwest

 

(V2)

I would still be gazing at the sun east

Alone

With no body true

With mixed emotions

You should know

I have been betrayed before

By people I care

But you.....came along

Mending my little broken heart

By letting me tag along

With you and your friends

friends who became close with me

in an instant

And I knew I belong

You made sure

those people wont approach me ever again

But you know

I felt so tired

then

 

(chorus)

Without you

I would still be that small bird in that huge tree

Which expanded northwest

(V3)

Now that we go on our own paths now

I realize

The strength you've given me

You made me a little more confident

Little more beautiful

Pretty...

You gave me the strength

To become who I am now

Without you

I would have a been a lonely little kid

Who sat alone by himself

With no body around

 

(V4)

Without you

I would have been nothing

I wanna thank you for everything

cause

Now in this  time and phase

When we don't meet 

I realized

I miss you

I want to meet you

But will we..?

meet up soon

will you spare me some time?

Will you enjoy my company?

I wonder

(wonder)

(wonder)

 

(chorus)

Without you

I would still be that small bird in that huge tree

Which expanded northwest

(v5)

Without you

I feel sad

I wanna meet you..

but

Right now

I can only do one thing

I wanna tell you

Whats in my heart

A secret for my special somebody

Whose been by my side

this whole whole whole time

"Without you

I would still be that small bird in that huge tree

Which expanded northwest"

 

 

 

 

 

[Cody]

My only advice from just reading lyrics would be it's a touch long(not always a bad thing) but if/when the emotion or idea is there less can always be more, let a listener/reader use their imagination, make own connections, etc.

 

Maybe some of the verse lines tersed down and added to the chorus? Try to think of what's most important and has to be said?

 

Just an opinion write on!

 

 

Edit: I would personally go with small bird huge tree... it paints a good picture

[MikeRobinson]

Faced with this very-complicated lyric, I'd quickly invite you:  "can you please hum a few bars?"

 

- - -

 

Also, as I consider this singer's very-complicated story about his very-complicated emotional encounter, it also occurs to me that the listener might quite-understandably feel "a bit overwhelmed."  There's a whole lot going on here ... "I would still be that small bird in that huge tree // Which expanded northwest(!)"

 

"Wha-a-a-t?  Wha-a-a-t?  ("Bang!")  You've got my attention!  What are you saying?  Tell me that story!"

 

Within the rambling scope of what you have set to verse here, I readily detect the presence of several very-interesting songs.

[geckomusic]

On 5/8/2020 at 1:04 AM, Patchez said:

Interesting lyrics. 

I wish you the best in your exploration of songwriting. 
 

 

On 5/7/2020 at 1:45 AM, Stellarmystery said:

❤️ Hey guys ❤️

This is my first ever song! I'm actually much more of a poet and short story writer and wanna check out my song writing skills. Please comment what you think especially since i'm a terrible singer 😢 

I wanna name this song as either "Small bird in the huge tree" Or "Without you" Tell me which suits the song the best.  

 

(V1)

You gave me strength to move on

made me jolly out of this world

You uplifted me

took away my timid self (yeah)

You made me SO bright

SO happy SO merry

That sometimes I wondered if this was me

You made me open up

So much it was frightening

and

sometimes I wonder though

if this was fake

if this was just a bet

with you and your friends

cause I aint no fun

and you were just playing with me

messing in my head

And if you really wanna be friends with this nobody..(nobody)

 

(chorus)

Without you

I would still be that small bird in that huge tree

Which expanded northwest

 

(V2)

I would still be gazing at the sun east

Alone

With no body true

With mixed emotions

You should know

I have been betrayed before

By people I care

But you.....came along

Mending my little broken heart

By letting me tag along

With you and your friends

friends who became close with me

in an instant

And I knew I belong

You made sure

those people wont approach me ever again

But you know

I felt so tired

then

 

(chorus)

Without you

I would still be that small bird in that huge tree

Which expanded northwest

(V3)

Now that we go on our own paths now

I realize

The strength you've given me

You made me a little more confident

Little more beautiful

Pretty...

You gave me the strength

To become who I am now

Without you

I would have a been a lonely little kid

Who sat alone by himself

With no body around

 

(V4)

Without you

I would have been nothing

I wanna thank you for everything

cause

Now in this  time and phase

When we don't meet 

I realized

I miss you

I want to meet you

But will we..?

meet up soon

will you spare me some time?

Will you enjoy my company?

I wonder

(wonder)

(wonder)

 

(chorus)

Without you

I would still be that small bird in that huge tree

Which expanded northwest

(v5)

Without you

I feel sad

I wanna meet you..

but

Right now

I can only do one thing

I wanna tell you

Whats in my heart

A secret for my special somebody

Whose been by my side

this whole whole whole time

"Without you

I would still be that small bird in that huge tree

Which expanded northwest"

 

 

 

 

 

I agree that it could be shorter. Avoid repetition in different words. Then main message seems clear: Someone makes you change in a certain direction. Typical love song though. Maybe you can describe that person a bit more or make it mysterious. What is it that this person has that made the small bird grow out of its comfort zone?

[gradual]

I think this is really nice, and could work as a certain type of song. It probably wouldn't work as top 40 material, but I can hear it as an indie-folk song or something.

 

A couple of things I noticed is that the verses were pretty long. A good melody writer might be able to make them sound interesting, but you at least want to make sure the verses are all roughly the same length and syllable count, otherwise it's going to be tough to fit a melody to it. (Maybe they are, but it's tough to tell just by reading.) Maybe you already have music composed, but you seemed to indicate that you're mostly a poet who is new to songwriting. So it's good to always keep in mind things like meter, rhythm, bar length...things you wouldn't necessarily need to pay attention to with a more free-form style of poetry.

 

There was one little detail in the lyric that I was confused by...a few of the lines express interest in wanting to meet this special person...but the rest of the song suggests they've known this person for a while...so "meeting" them probably wouldn't be the most appropriate word choice...unless it was like a virtual online relationship, in which case you'd need to specify that in the lyrics.

 

And definitely "Small Bird In a Huge Tree". No contest.

 

EDIT: Also, the typical song has only two verses, maybe three. Four can start to get monotonous if the music is not interesting. So I would agree with the other opinions here that it might be useful to consider the option of pairing it down if you can. Though songs with many verses have been done effectively before..."American Pie" had what, eight verses? But ultimately it's your decision as the writer, based on what your goal and vision for the song is.