Brown Rose

[Da Prophecy]

For years my garden’s been enslaved to drought

To the point that when it rains, little grows.

When it does, it is never worth a thought

Nor is it worth letting time take its toll.

So out of necessity I cut the root

Of every blade of grass, of every flower

And retired hoping the latest reboot

Would yield a result at the next shower.

But I had no luck until I found a rose

In my garden after the rains of spring

Standing amidst the white and red roses,

Brown in complexion and more interesting

Than any I had ever seen before.

Now my garden stands complete forevermore.

[john]

Hey DP

I can follow a flow through this to a certain point. You paint a great picture, but there seems no real impression of the relevance of the brown rose, and the fact that you don't attach "brown in complexion" to the "rose" leaves the ending all a bit disjointed and emotionally flat. When I started reading I thought "this is great!" but imo you need to tie this up a bit better by the end.

"reboot" seems a bit out of place amidst all the natural world language.

Nice one all the same

Cheers

John

[Da Prophecy]

Hey John, thanks for the reply. Lines 9-13 were meant to be for attaching the brown complexion to the rose (those lines are pretty much a run-on sentence). The rose's complexion and the fact that it is more interesting than any other rose in the garden was what was supposed to make it unique. I don't know if that clears up anything. As far as the word "reboot" goes, I didn't like it or think that it fit as soon as I wrote it but I honestly could not come up with another word that would allow me to keep the rhyme scheme and get the point across. If you have any suggestions for this I would love ot hear them as I'm more than open to replacing the word with a better one.

[xXxMagicalYamBagxXx]

I like this a lot.

[Da Prophecy]

Thanks a lot man.

[Mazrocon]

I like this but I think the word "reboot" reminds me too much of computers and technology which kind of feels akwardly placed Other then that I liked it very much

~TIMOTHY~

[Da Prophecy]

Thanks for the reply razrocon. The truth is that reboot was the only word I could think of that rhymed with root and still get the desired meaning across. I strongly considered breaking the rhyme scheme. The word still bothers me when I read it too. If you know of anything that fits better, feel free to throw it out. Thanks again for the reply.

[typo]

recreation

reinvention

or do you not want to change "cut the root"?

to me reboot seems fine. i like it's awkwardness. makes it stand out.

[Da Prophecy]

recreation

reinvention

or do you not want to change "cut the root"?

to me reboot seems fine. i like it's awkwardness. makes it stand out.

I don't mind changing the phrase but I used it because it fit with the idea of having a garden and thus maintains continuity of idea in the sonnet. Reboot is awkward but I used it of course for the rhyme scheme and because I felt that someone could still understand what I was trying to say even though it's a computer phrase.

[Mazrocon]

Not to be mean or anything but it's just kind of annoying but that's the 2nd time you misspelled my username

~TIMOTHY~

[Da Prophecy]

Not to be mean or anything but it's just kind of annoying but that's the 2nd time you misspelled my username

~TIMOTHY~

I apologize for that Mazrocon. I honestly didn't realize I had been using an 'R' instead of an 'M' until you mentioned this. I apologize for that again. I guess I need to pay attention more. Thanks again for the replies.

[Mazrocon]

I apologize for that Mazrocon. I honestly didn't realize I had been using an 'R' instead of an 'M' until you mentioned this. I apologize for that again. I guess I need to pay attention more. Thanks again for the replies.

No problem, just making sure u noticed

~TIMOTHY~