JDHarris

I really like were all this SS is heading. I have introduced several friends to SS all with varying musical interests. It's almost midnight here, Wednesday morn and I have not had my lyric critiqued yet. I don't think Kel has had a response to his lyric draft either. We both have had views, but no critiques. I think Kel has given great critiques, very in depth, and really seems to know what he is talking about. Well respected gives valuable positive critique. I on the other hand really have no idea what I'm saying. Basically I tried to cover most points and struggled to make it to 500 words. After reading Kels critique of his assigned lyrics, I can see where I need to go and do more research. OK, I've just heard from Rudi and he's on it. Thanks Jan

Hi Donna Kel, I thought did a more comprehensive critique, excellent. I think he covered everything even what works and what doesn't. I didn't cover those mainly because I don't know what works and doesn't. Why he does not feel it would be picked up by an artist, I never thought about that sort of thing before. I have learned a lot from his critique of your lyrics. Looking forward to the final version Jan .

I've tried to complete everything before this weekend, Saturday I'm preparing for Thanksgiving dinner I host every year. Canada Thanksgiving is this coming Monday, but I do the dinner on the Sunday. How long will we have to rewrite our draft. I see no one has critiqued mine yet. Too hopeless for words eh? I can take it, honestly, I can. Except if you only write "rewrite" 500 times. Then I don't know?? Jan

Hi Vagda, I like the title Playing Games, having said that, the only reference to it is in the chorus. I think you should build up playing games aspect, such as word games, mind games, perhaps board games, pawn in your game etc., or hostage of your love games. Structure wise: you have all the components here 3 verses, pre chorus, chorus, bridge, etc. I think it might flow better as a start which takes a journey leading to end story if you rearranged the verses. You might consider moving verse 3 to the second verse, lose the second verse and change the bridge into verse 3. The bridge can then be one or two lines about the illusion self-delusion, being kept in denial something like after each verse leading , then leading into the pre chorus, which I like quite a bit. The chorus is good but I think it can be stronger, drive the point home here of the delusional aspect, carrying the hook through to keep the interest going. Good rhyme scheme and meter, I guess that depends a lot on the melody and genre, but I think it is a good start, a solid foundation which to build upon. There are only a few spelling errors, remember to spell check. Find metaphors to fit the hook and I think if you rearrange, rework this a bit it will flow more easily. What I usually do first is write down all the words I can think of relating to the title or the hook on a separate page, although I don’t always use every word off the rough draft of words listed as thoughts. I then build a rough draft and work through rearranging so that each end word of each line leads to the next thought. Each verse is much like a paragraph where each verse starts at the beginning and the final verse shows a clear end. Hopefully when I’m done, I read only the last word if each line and see if that can tell the story from start to finish in a condensed version. Re read and edit out what is not necessary to carry the story forward. Sometimes I have tossed out complete verses that no longer fit into the message I am trying to express. The things I keep, I may have to find other words which may work better. I also try to use less words by eliminating phrase linking words like “that, so, then,†and so on. I don’t know if any of this will help, I am not experienced as a critic but I guess that is the point of this exercise. It’s all a learning curve. I am looking forward to see the final outcome of your lyric. I know I have not covered all of the topics that John has asked for just what I felt may help. I hope you don’t feel like I’m picking your work apart, basically I liked it from the start and had to read a few times to find ways to improve both your lyric and my critique. Filling in with the word count minimum of 500 as John had requested. Keep writing, I always enjoy reading your lyrics. Jan

Hi Donna, I like the title Hard as Diamonds and use throughout the song, “cut delusionsâ€. Diamonds also sparkle, scratch, can score, gouge. Also means everlasting, unbreakable, cold, and ice and are known to be a girls’ best friend. Structure I think is good, all components are there, however having said that, the plot to me seems to be a bit fragmented without really explaining the delusion except in the chorus. I think you need to give more weight to the delusion itself. As it is written there is no explanation other than a quick mention that there is some sort of illusion or delusion that has been cut. I think if you add a line at the end of verse one something like, “never imagined instead you’d turn awayâ€. Adding a line like that there leads into the idea of an illusion of delusion. Then again at the end of verse two explain what the delusion was or is. Something like “My delusion was thinking that you’d still be hereâ€. My delusion was …………This carries the story line of delusion a little further along I think and works in well with your intensions. Pre Chorus: I’m not sure this carries the story, to me it sort of adds to the confusion, how did I hurt or shame you? If you can work in an explanation of that in somewhere ,or rewrite pre chorus. Chorus: Hard as diamonds were the words, I think changing the next line from threw at, I don’t think throwing diamonds would cut much, but they might scratch some things up like illusions. I think if you reverse the order of the next two lines. Carry the thought of illusions with the next line being, I’d had about myself and love. They cut through the delusion, hard as diamonds, made my vision crystal clear. Vision or something other than stupidity, I think keeps the metaphor going, moving forward and strengthens the flow better Verse three: Then keep the theme moving with a last line something like†Haunting illusions full of self-delusionsâ€. Bridge: I’m not sure what exactly, how the book left behind fits in, but if you want to keep the delusion going through, I suggest something to make it on going, something like “ Now I sit and watch as if you’d come through the doorâ€. The hook is then tied in more cohesively. You can explain so much by adding one line to each verse ending that leads to the next verse. It ties up everything making it a tighter write and solidifies the fact that you are under some type of delusion which the reader can comprehend easily from start to finish. Other than those few suggestions, I like your rhyme and meter. Use of language, no one will be stumbling over them, easy to remember and I think over all a good start. I like the premise and can’t wait to see the final edition. I hope this helps you develop the story line. This is my first full critique, and is of course my honest opinion. Good luck, I enjoyed the read and having the opportunity to give you my feedback. Jan

Les, I got this challenge as a notification. Jan

I forgot to add my title "Poor Delusional Me"

Well here is my final delusion. Poor Delusional Me V Dear Mr. Brad Paisley I write to you today I heard a new song of yours On the radio waves this day I thought you were putting it out there Singing only to me Each word, every line Total verse screamed You wanted to change my world I called the radio station Said I really love this one It’s like he really knows me And this his holler back He knew my soul He’d read all my lyrics I post Songs ‘bout broken hearts Love won and lost My perspective still in baggage I’ve left unclaimed, not lost Bridge: Ya, DJ tell BP JDH said “yes†“You can come and change her world anytime is bestl†Next she said to this DJ “When really all along,…†Chorus: It’s just my wildest fantasy Someday you’d be free To come along save my heart Be my dream, rescue me Come along change my world Poor, poor delusional Poor delusional me V: Brad, I saw this actress on TV Live on Michael and Rippa Kelly A black and white photograph Portrayed her happy family I realized because you were there Beside her, arms around This beautiful woman Kimberly What a doll, unpretentious as she is Proudly declared, she’s your wife I knew for sure all this Your cougar, I'm not to be Dreams I held, shot down Yah, your cougar, I'm not to be no how V: The words I heard you sing You weren’t singing just to me Singing to all mistreated hearts Everyone who has ever been To all who’ve loved and lost Saying just be patient to us all There’s someone waiting Wanting to fall deep into Someone who wants to write and Sing their songs Meant only for you Chorus: It’s just my wildest fantasy Someday you’d be free To come along save my heart Be my dream, rescue me Come along change my world Poor, poor delusional Poor delusional me Final Re-write 9-14-13 Was titled Poor Delusional Me Retitled: Elusive Dream V Dear Mr. Brad Paisley I write to you today I heard a new song of yours on the radio, it blew me away I thought you were singing only to me Your thoughts, each word you sang brought me to my knees Said you want to change my world, I could not believe Wanted to be my man, Yeah, be my main squeeze I called the radio station, said I really love this one It’s like he really knows me, and this his holler back song Paisley knew my soul he must have read my posts ‘bout all my unclaimed baggage, I’ve left behind, not lost Pre chorus: Yah, DJ tell BP JDH said “yes†“You can come change her world, anytime is best†Next I said to this DJ “When really all along,…†Chorus: It’s just my wildest fantasy Someday he’d be free Come along save my heart Be my dream, rescue me Come along change my world My elusive dream Poor, poor, poor Poor delusional me V: Brad, I saw this actress Kimberly On Live with Michael and Kelly A black and white picture of her happy family I realized ‘cause you were there Beside her, arms around This beautiful woman Kimberly, your wife No joke, it was profound That’s when I knew for sure Dreams I held, shot down Like buckshot scattered everywhere, lying all around Bridge: Your cougar I’d not be With her still hanging ‘round Maybe you should move away Even change towns V: The words I heard you sing You weren’t singing just to me You sang to all mistreated hearts Everyone who has ever been To all who’ve loved and lost Saying be patient to us all There’s someone waiting who wants to dive Maybe take the fall Someone who wants to right your wrongs Let you in their door, sing to you, their true love songs Pre chorus: Yah, DJ tell BP JDH said “yes†Said “You can come change her world, anytime is best†Next I said to this DJ “When really all along,…" Chorus: It’s just my wildest fantasy Someday he’d be free Come along save my heart Be my dream, rescue me Come along change my world My elusive dream Poor, poor, poor Poor delusional me

Bones, Stones or Stoned, either way it was fun. I enjoyed this challenge! Nobody got Mic sick? Not yet, how log is the poll open?

John, I hope all is well with you, and what ever brought you to the hospital is over. I quite enjoyed the challenge. Look forward to more famous bands/artist you have up your sleeve. always smiling, even if it's just my insanity showing through. jan

Hey, I guess I have to return my Rolls Royce now. Should have listened to mama when she said "don't count your chickens until all the eggs have hatched" jan

Vagda, I think you got the right idea with Drippin' Love. I like this very much and agree with Kel with the ending. Jan

Kel: I actually did, lol, when I read your comment on Ban Juvi. Write on brother, write on.....jan.

John, good one!! got everyone going eh! Let us now hope that stranger things happen. jan

Hey Kel I think Goldy has a good one, don't think we can judge what the Stones might do or not yet, things could be a changin'. I could be wrong....again. Kel I actually think yours is spot on with strutting and such. Good luck to all. We all jumped, but is it the Rolling Stones or the Rolling Stone for whom we write? John?? Someone maybe Rudi who asked the question, never saw Johns answer. I'm just saying.

I really like this one Goldy.

Version 2: Highway Sixty Nine (Basically the same premise just a different spin) Flight 669 leaving town at 7:09 am I'm a worried man Scared you might slip n go joy ride again Don't go down the road, no don't cross the line Please don't drive Down highway, down highway 69 Please girl don't take that road There's danger round each bend If you go travelling stepping out with other men It will be hard for you and I to make again amends Don't trust The hoards of trolling men, lurking in the dark Cast their lines, a fish like you, might swallow when they bark Take it slow baby, yeah just don't go Don't play the part, take care your heart Don't drive in that guys lane You know its not safe, please stay out of the game 69 my little fish sign, They only want to dine Lead you astray when I'm away Don't be their game Don't change your mind up now It's mans game, don't you know It's men who make and break rules Don't be fooled by what they say Close your mind and ears Words, may take your breath away Be wary when I say, don't believe words they repeat Don't go down , no don't go down that Highway look around Highway 69 there ain't no way love ever could be found Don't go down , no don't go down that highway 69 69 I'm on sixty nine I coming home now 69 oh 69 and I'll be coming now

Sixty Nine (69) Now, don't have chorus or bridge in place yet. Do all songs need them.? Version 1: Sixty Nine (69) Now 69 now I'm a worried man 69 days I'll be away Not hearing you say Baby I miss you When you coming home to stay? Sixty nine ways I was born to please Be understanding of me girl when I leave, baby behave Be careful where you step when you're stepping out and free I can see where those steps lead Sixty Nine stares baby beware hear the call of those barking hounds sixty nine signs baby take care if you wander there don't you know they're just using you don't care like I do Spew empty lies to be with you Some men will tell you, try to explain Saying when I'm not around, Yeah girl it's the real deal 69's real love it just seems upside down something upside down don't take your love to town Sixty nine now will bring us down, if you ride with him now

my questions have been answered, I should have read others before I asked. sorry. Duh ! jan

Ok ready, I think for discussion. Don't want to post in the wrong place, so if this is the right place, please let me know. I don't see anywhere here where I can copy my file and paste the text or add from here, I guess I have to rekey text. My (LOTK), Lack Of Technical Knowledge, has kept me down before, almost I must protest, I won't stay down no more. thanks Jan

Ok I have two written for Sixty Nine. It's the same lyric idea, one has more details to complete points and thoughts with a slightly different spin than version 1 thanks jan

I've done Sitxy-nine (69) Now but I don't know how to add the poll part? Help! Before my red door turns black, or by Wednesday, please. Thanks P.S. Can I post the lyric for discussion now? Or do we wait until Wednesday?

Too cool!!! Love the music. Who did the vocals? Great sound. Bravo.

Kel, I got what you were saying , however when I read your comment about the glove, I began to wonder if you were talking about one On the other hand, I was wondering what type of glove, one glove can protect and prevent so much. The protest comes for some when it fails. lol Having failed the mission, I took another stab at the protest lyric I wrote and have posted my rewrite. cheers jan

This is a good example, as to what I was commenting on a few minutes ago. I read the words, then listen to the song, not what I thought I was going to hear. Having said that, I like. By the way, I sing in the car, outside in the yard wherever, I haven't heard neighbors slam windows or door yet, but while sitting at the red light, windows down, grooving, the car on my left rolled his up. Cleaned my closet and pretty well sang about everything I was doing as I went, full with interruptions of dogs, phone calls and kids. I think I have a musical or a good portion of one anyway. Too bad I didn't remember what the heck I was babbling about. enjoy my trip here. Jan