Challenge #2

[john]

Hi Gang

 

Sorry it's a day late...

 

The second challenge is a double challenge. Your mission, should you choose to accept it...

 

Part 1: To write some lyrics where the main part of the verse contains no rhymes, internal or external. The only exception to this is if your verse includes a refrain, in which case the refrain can rhyme internally or externally.

 

This is harder than it seems as lyrics still have to form a pleasing flow, but without rhyming. Many beginner writers in particular get stuck in simple rhyme schemes. This exercise is to show what can be done without rhyme.

 

Part 2: The title you choose must be your main hook and it must be placed in a powerful position (not buried mid-line, mid-verse), and it must be used several time (repeated in a chorus or pre-chorus or refrain for example).

 

This message will self destruct in 10, 9, 8....

 

Cheers

 

John

 

[goldylocks]

This is what popped into my head for the this weeks Challenge. It's my version of mostly non rhyme Psalm 91 in song. I hope you enjoy it. The rhyme only appears in the Chorus and Bridge, I'm still not sure what a refrain is. If I have one. would someone tell me.

Under Your Wing

Psalm 91 Non rhyme song

Verse:

You are my refuge
A safe place to be
Resting in Your shadow
Under Your Wing

Chorus:

Under Your Wing
I can climb high on green mountains
I can walk on blue stormy seas
I can shut the mouths of roaring lions
Under Your Wing
Under Your Wing

Verse:

Your feathers shield me
From terrors of night
Covering me with love
Under Your Wing

Bridge:

Nothing is impossible
There is nothing I can't do
I only have to believe
To get me through

Verse:

Your hand lifts me up
Above the world's pain
Filling me with joy
Under Your Wing


Chorus:

Under Your Wing
I can tread on poisonous serpents
I can hear angels voices sing
I can see my spirit soar in light
Under Your Wing
Under Your Wing

Repeat last 3 lines twice

 

Edited September 2, 2014 by goldylocks

[goldylocks]

I am writing as the challenges are set, so this one was wrote today.

I started off about a car but I am a biker so turned it around. I learnt something already from this challenge (don't laugh) but I did not know what a refrain was until I read up on it.

I hope I have got it right (the refrain part) and you enjoy the write. There is a tongue in cheek reference to engines I hope you like, and the song is just for fun/education for me anyway!

Skin

Only Dogs And Bikers

V

Nothing like the thrill on 2 wheels

Riding by the seat of you’re pants

Freedom, with the wind in your face

Only dogs and bikers understand

C

My bike is like my perfect woman

Four strokes and she screams

Rev her up and go ballistic

Better than you’re wildest dreams

V

1200cc’s of muscle and grunt

Over 100 horses beneath the tank

Twist the wrist, wind rushing by

Only dogs and bikers understand

C

My bike is like my perfect woman

Four strokes and she screams

Rev her up and go ballistic

Better than you’re wildest dreams

B

Red n black, hot as hell

Polished stainless and sticky boots

Engine primed and read…y to ride

C

My bike is like my perfect woman

Four strokes and she screams

Rev her up and go ballistic

Better than you’re wildest dreams

My bike is like my perfect woman

My bike is like my perfect woman

Skin, what I like about your lyrics, is the visual images you create. It brings depth to them, they don't just lay there on the page, they jump out and grab you, puling you in. These lyrics are not only humorous, they take you for a ride!!! 

 

I enjoyed reading them, and I can't even imagine how great they would be put to music. Cute as button!

 

Summer        

Edited June 17, 2013 by goldylocks

[john]

Hey Goldylocks

 

You might find this article useful for reference: http://songwriting.songstuff.com/article/song_building_blocks

 

and this article and the articles it links to: http://songwriting.songstuff.com/article/song-form-overview

 

 

In essence a refrain was a predecessor of a chorus, it's a line in the verse that is repeated from verse to verse always in the same location. Locations in order of commonality are: last line, first line, any other line. It's very common in folk / ballad forms, and blues.

[goldylocks]

Hey Goldylocks

 

You might find this article useful for reference: http://songwriting.songstuff.com/article/song_building_blocks

 

and this article and the articles it links to: http://songwriting.songstuff.com/article/song-form-overview

 

 

In essence a refrain was a predecessor of a chorus, it's a line in the verse that is repeated from verse to verse always in the same location. Locations in order of commonality are: last line, first line, any other line. It's very common in folk / ballad forms, and blues.

Thanks John, I guess I wrote a refrain in my verses, without even knowing I did. Every last line in my verses is Under Your Wing, so I guess that qualifies for a refrain. Although I did not make my verses rhyme. It's still somewhat confusing, but thanks for the info. I'll read it over again

 

Summer       

Edited June 17, 2013 by goldylocks

[Lisa Gates]

Thanks John, I guess I wrote a refrain in my verses, without even knowing I did. Every last line in my verses is Under Your Wing, so I guess that qualifies for a refrain. Although I did not make my verses rhyme. It's still somewhat confusing, but thanks for the info. I'll read it over again

 

Summer       

John and Goldy,

most helpful. thank you both! this addicted rhymer needed help. Off to read the articles supplied.

:-)

Lisa

[Lisa Gates]

Not really sure if this is what the challenge calls for but here goes:

 

Blue and Green Kaleidoscope

 

 

There’s no love between us

Just broken pieces

Turning like a blue and green kaleidoscope

 

Looking through the eye piece

Searching for a memory

Turning in a blue and green kaleidoscope

 

Kaleidoscope, as you turn

Changing colors, wish I could learn

To change the love I feel for you

Broke my heart, torn in two

 

My heart is wide open

The tears are falling down

Watching love break in a blue and green kaleidoscope

 

See the waves on the shore

Breaking like my heart

Reminding me of a blue and green kaleidoscope

 

To tell you the truth, my whole life has been

Spent looking through a blue and green kaleidoscope

 

Kaleidoscope, as you turn

Changing colors, wish I could learn

To change the love I feel for you

Broke my heart, torn in two

[Lisa Gates]

This is what popped into my head for the this weeks Challenge. It's my version of mostly non rhyme Psalm 91 in song. I hope you enjoy it. The rhyme only appears in the Chorus and Bridge, I'm still not sure what a refrain is. If I have one. would someone tell me.

Under Your Wing

Psalm 91 Non rhyme song

Verse:

You are my refuge

A safe place to be

Resting in Your shadow

Under Your Wing

Chorus:

Under Your Wing

I can climb high on green mountains

I can walk on blue stormy seas

I can shut the mouths of roaring lions

Under Your Wing

Under Your Wing

Verse:

Your feathers shield me

From terrors of night

Covering me with love

Under Your Wing

Bridge:

Nothing is impossible

There is nothing I can't do

I only have to believe

What You say to get me through

Verse:

Your hand lifts me up

Above the world's pain

Filling me with joy

Under Your Wing

Chorus:

Under Your Wing

I can tread on poisonous serpents

I can hear sweet angels voices sing

I can see my soul soar in Your light

Under Your Wing

Under Your Wing

Repeat last 3 lines twice

Goldy,

Very, very nice! I love using The Bible for my songs.

You've got a good flow for all those words, that's kinda hard to do.

All the best,

Lisa

[goldylocks]

Hi Summer

Thank you for your kind comments and for reading my post.

I think you have done a great job on imagery with this yourself.

I can't really say much on the psalms but this is an uplifting song and the bridge should be your motto "There's nothing I can't do" just takes time!

I really like this line "I can shut the mouths of roaring lions" that is a classic, and now like me you know what a refrain is! Lol

Always learning

Skin

Thanks Skin, for the encouragement. I appreciate your comments. I only wish I was musically inclined, so I can put my lyrics to music. I'm taking a free song course on line, if your interested, it starts July 19. Here is the information,

 

In that case, you owe it to yorself to sign up for the FREE Pat Pattison's Songwriting Class:Introduction to Songwriting at Coursera.org and it starts July 19th. (and it's FREE)

 

Summer is my name on another forum, it slipped in here by mistake

 

Goldy           I love these guys!!!!

[goldylocks]

Not really sure if this is what the challenge calls for but here goes:

 

 

 

Blue and Green Kaleidoscope

 

 

 

 

 

There’s no love between us

 

Just broken pieces

 

Turning like a blue and green kaleidoscope

 

 

 

Looking through the eye piece

 

Searching for a memory

 

Turning in a blue and green kaleidoscope

 

 

 

Kaleidoscope, as you turn

 

Changing colors, wish I could learn

 

To change the love I feel for you

 

Broke my heart, torn in two

 

 

 

My heart is wide open

 

The tears are falling down

 

Watching love break in a blue and green kaleidoscope

 

 

 

See the waves on the shore

 

Breaking like my heart

 

Reminding me of a blue and green kaleidoscope

 

 

 

To tell you the truth, my whole life has been

 

Spent looking through a blue and green kaleidoscope

 

 

 

Kaleidoscope, as you turn

 

Changing colors, wish I could learn

 

To change the love I feel for you

 

Broke my heart, torn in two

Lisa, I really love this colorful creative song, but these lines seem awkward compared to the rest of your lyrics. Especially, To tell you the truth, it doesn't seem to fit with lyrics that flow with romance, it detracts from them, sounds like the beginning of an announcement. Of course that's only my opinion. 

To tell you the truth, my whole life has been

Spent looking through a blue and green kaleidoscope.

I have a suggestion below, please don't be offended. Keep or sweep. I'm just trying to help, Other than that a Joni Mitchell type song for sure. Beautifully written!

I have spent my whole life in a maze of dreams

Looking through a blue and green kaleidoscope

 

Or

 

My whole life I've been in a maze of dreams

Looking through a blue and green kaleidoscope

 

 

Goldy       

Thanks, for the lovely review on Psalm 91. I appreciate your time and your comments.

I told Skin about the free song writing course on July19, I thought I would give you the same link.

In that case, you owe it to yorself to sign up for the FREE Pat Pattison's Songwriting Class:Introduction to Songwriting at Coursera.org and it starts July 19th. (and it's FREE)

 

Edited by goldylocks, Today, 12:55 PM.

Edited June 18, 2013 by goldylocks

[Lisa Gates]

Hi Goldy,

I love your bridge idea:

I have spent my whole life in a state of dreams
Looking through a blue and green kaleidoscope

 

Just beautiful and spot on! That's what I was trying to say. Thanks!

 

I think the beat of the song softens it and makes it more flowing but not sure how to type it so you can know what I hear.  

 

Something like this:

 

There’s no love between us

Just broken pieces

Turning like

a blue and green

kaleidoscope

 

the flow is like waves crashing on a shore.

 

thanks for the tip on Pat's free course. I've been on his website before. Funny how we all end up in the same places!

Lisa

[goldylocks]

Hi Goldy,

I love your bridge idea:

I have spent my whole life in a state of dreams

Looking through a blue and green kaleidoscope

 

Just beautiful and spot on! That's what I was trying to say. Thanks!

 

I think the beat of the song softens it and makes it more flowing but not sure how to type it so you can know what I hear.  

 

Something like this:

 

There’s no love between us

Just broken pieces

Turning like

a blue and green

kaleidoscope

 

the flow is like waves crashing on a shore.

 

thanks for the tip on Pat's free course. I've been on his website before. Funny how we all end up in the same places!

Lisa

I'm glad you like it. I changed it to maze, instead of state, because maze seems to connect with kaleidoscope more. Your choice, your lyrics, like I said before, reminds me of Joni Mitchell's, that's how they came across to me.

 

Goldy          

Edited June 19, 2013 by goldylocks

[Kel]

Here is my effort:

 

Get It All Wrong

 

I don't know what it is you're really wanting to hear

I don't what you want me to say

I don't know what you really want me to do

I'll do it you say that I must

Just be clear when you tell me what it is that you want

I don't wanna get it all wrong

 

I don't know where it is where you're wanting to go

I don't even know if I've been

I don't know the way if you won't say where we're goin'

I'll drive around and hope for some luck

Just be clear when you tell me where you want me to go

I don't wanna get it all wrong

 

 

It's like the blind leading the deaf,

And teaching the mute to walk.

Swimming up stream, and against the tide

I've had enough girl... why won't you talk?

 

 

I don't know why I'm putting me through all this

I don't know but just maybe it's love?

I don't know about a future if you won't won't speak your mind

I can't go on not knowing what's wrong

Just be clear about the future you decide you want girl 'cause

I don't wanna get it all wrong

All wrong

I don't wanna get it wrong.

 

Cheers,

Kel

Edited June 21, 2013 by Kel