Challenge #8 - The Pop Song

[Kel]

you're further south, closer to the southern ice

[Kel]

lol right continent. Tourist!

[Lisa Gates]

Mate, don't stress, I think we were simply writing at the same time. Songstuff is probably on a server in the UK so your ethernodes had a few hundred miles to travel, mine had 14000! Don't worry about what we can't control, just shoot it. Wait, no, I didn't mean that, really I didn't... Nick, where's my shotgun? Oh, no, not for  that, I need to clean it.... oh darn!

K

This is the best thread! Y'all are cracking me up! Love it!

[Lisa Gates]

I have a few notes before the song:

1. To the "Just" Nazi - I used the word "just" out of necessity not as a fill in. It also softens the line with the word "text" in it. So not a peep out of you ok Kel?! LOL help me if you can!

2. I listen to Top 40 here in the States and I don't hear any rebellious song on the radio except for Rhianna's "Whips and Chains" (that must have been a risky one to pitch!) so I've squeezed a little "bad" into the bridge.

3. Last week I wrote a verse and chorus for the Pat Pattison free Songwriting Course for Berklee School of Music and have written this song around that verse and chorus because it needed to be a song and I needed to complete/finish my thoughts...I hope this is isn't cheating?

4. I have a tune in my head for this one.

thanks for reading!

It’s OK

By Lisa M. Guzda

 

Has it come to your attention?

I haven’t sent a text

Oh now you are wondering

Should’ve waited for real sex

 

You say you want to be friends

No use falling in love

My heart longs to be yours

Just a text is not enough

 

Chorus

Go ahead deny me

Go ahead say you don’t care

Go ahead I won’t believe you anyway

It’s ok to love me

It’s ok to say you care

It’s ok you’re gonna want me everyday

 

I’ve been warned about your type

Seems you don’t play fair

I never met someone like you

You are bad beyond compare

 

When are you coming over?

So we can get to it

I’ve been saving it for you

I’m hotter than I admit

 

Bridge:

Yeah I’m still living at home, mom and dad won’t leave me alone

I don’t care let’s get hot, you can take all I’ve got

 

Chorus

Go ahead deny me

Go ahead say you don’t care

Go ahead I won’t believe you anyway

It’s ok to love me

It’s ok to say you care

It’s ok you’re gonna want me everyday, everyday, everyday

Edited August 8, 2013 by lguzda

[Lisa Gates]

Mine is a Gansta Love Pop Song. Thought I would try something different. I hope this is ABC song form, I read the article, I have two verses before the Chorus, though. Is that okay, John?

 

 

Ya Got the Look Girl

 

Verse:

 

Hey, girl you're fine

I wanna get to know ya

Look at me huh?

I got somethin' to show ya

 

Verse:

 

I'm no high school jock

I'm from the homies in the hood

Got my A game straight up

I’m bad, but I'm good.

 

Chorus:

 

Ya got the look girl

Lookin' just like a diva

Comin' up in designa clothes

Makin' me a believa

 

Yeah, check it out

I'll play your heart's desire

Baby, you're gonna burn

Yeah, burn like you're on fire

 

Verse:

 

Ya got it, oh yeah

I see it in your haughty eyes

Attractin' me to forbidden fruit

Like a spider catchin' a fly.

 

Verse:

 

Gonna get it on with you all night

Bring ya home the next day

Cause I'll make you a woman

If this gangsta has his way.

 

Bridge:

 

I'm lovin' ya for now

Cause I get satisfaction

Just gonna keep kickin' it

Until I see another attraction

 

Chorus:

 

Ya, got the look girl

Lookin' just like a diva

Comin' up in designa clothes

Makin' me a believa

 

Yeah, check it out

I'll play your heart's desire

Baby, you're gonna burn

Yeah, burn like you're on fire

Goldy,

Clean-cut structure, rhyme scheme and thoughts. Definitely Gangsta. Love the re-write!

Lisa

[Kel]

Hey Lisa,

 

You've mixed up your Nazis! Gary (Snabbu) is the "Just" Nazi. I am the "that" Nazi! You really need to figure out a way to tell us Aussies apart... it's not like we type the same... oh alright, he's more technical than I am, I tend to use layman's terms because I can't remember technical jargon... And he's in NSW, while I'm in QLD. That's Blue and Maroon, totally different. Like a New Yorker being confused with somebody from New Jersey! But we both bleed green and gold!

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________

 

I found there are a few times the flow is interrupted by word with the natural stress in the wrong place. Now, this could be an accent thing, yes I know, I have one, you don't... (a dingo took my bybee!) so it may not be a big deal, or it could be huge...

 

You say you want to be friends

No use falling in love

My heart longs to be yours

Just a text is not enough

 

In this stanza, it's the word "falling". If you compare this line with the second line of the first verse,

 

I haven’t sent a text

 

The natural stress or accents are at:

  

I haven’t sent a text

 

Now this line sets the pattern that all the following second lines should adhere to. The first example, the natural stress/accent points are:

 

No use falling in love

 

Immediately this break in the pattern interrupts the rhythm and if it's hard to say, it will be harder to sing. It doesn't help that the first line is a syllable short of the pattern set in the first stanza, however a difference of only one can be over comeI would suggest something along the lines of:

 

Too late to say we're only friends

I gave myself to you

My heart is longing to be yours

And you think a text will do? 

 

I know this lyric is quite a bit different to yours, but it also marks an attitude shift. To me this girl isn't pleading, she is standing up for herself and thinking she has been used by this jackass who got what HE wanted and now is wanting less, not more of a relationship. Maybe that's not what you had in mind, but I really wanted to emphasize two things, how keeping the syllable count consistent with what you have already established as a pattern (in the first verse) and using everyday speech natural stress/accent points where they should/would be if this was a conversation and not a song, can serve to keep the listener comfortable and in sync with their expectations. Whew, long sentence, sorry!

 

Verse 3, Line 3 is the next time this happens and then on line 4 of verse 4.  Suggestions are:

 

V3L3    Been told you don't play fair

 

V4L4    I'm hot you must admit

 

The bridge starts out sounding like a whine rather than a direct "let's get to it" kind of thing I think you're looking for. Who is she rebelling against. Suddenly rebelling against Mom & Dad when they haven't been mentioned in the rest of the song is like Sherlock Holmes deducing the killer was the postman when he hasn't been heard of in the rest of the story, if you know what I mean. To me, she is rebelling against this guy who seems to have got her to the point she is wanting to give him her virginity only he thinks it's a game and he's walking away, and in doing so is saying, "Girl, I got you where I want you, I can take take what you got when I'm ready, on my terms, when I feel like it...." Maybe I'm reading things that aren't there but this is what the song is saying to me. I think the girl is fluctuating between being the victim and the predator, and that is maybe how teenage girls think about this time in their lives, I don't know, I've never been a teenage girl. (Not meant as a smartass comment.) If this is the sort of story you are telling, be consistent with it... start as the victim then move towards being predator and keep going in that direction. (Predator seems too strong a word, but I'm meaning somebody who is looking to stand up for herself, and is not willing to let things happen, she wants to make things happen... I hope you know what I am getting at.)

 

 

Also in verse 3, Line 2 is short one syllable which helps make line 3 out of whack.

 

Wow Kel, take a chill pill... or at least another coffee. This is way too deep for 6:30 in the morning!

 

Having said all that, I'm liking what I am seeing, I think it just wants a few tweaks. 

 

Laters,

Kel

Edited August 8, 2013 by Kel

[Lisa Gates]

Whoa Kel, that was awesome, funny and smart.

I have to take it all in!You are so right on the bridge, i mentioned that in my notes that i hated it...or something like that.

you said:

"Maybe I'm reading things that aren't there but this is what the song is saying to me. I think the girl is fluctuating between being the victim and the predator, and that is maybe how teenage girls think about this time in their lives, I don't know, I've never been a teenage girl. (Not meant as a smartass comment.) If this is the sort of story you are telling, be consistent with it... start as the victim then move towards being predator and keep going in that direction. (Predator seems too strong a word, but I'm meaning somebody who is looking to stand up for herself, and is not willing to let things happen, she wants to make things happen... I hope you know what I am getting at.)"

 

you are spot on!

 

but have one quesiton to start: Did I miss an article somewhere? one of your blogs?

 

Stress/accent points

 

ps. my syllables are perfect!

lol

[Kel]

Stress/accent points

 

ps. my syllables are perfect!

lol

 

LOL NO they are not...

 

Only looking at the verses, here are the syllable counts, as written (some words could change with pronunciation)

Verse    Line 1    Line 2    Line 3    Line 4

1              8            6            7            7

2              7            6            6            7

3              6            5            8            7

4              7            6            7            7

 

See what I mean?

 

Do you really take notice of what I write? Silly girl!  http://forums.songstuff.com/blog/181/entry-1366-2-syllables-we-know-theyre-there-so-why-do-we-ignore-them/

[Lisa Gates]

Well I have had a crack at a re-write and I am not sure if I have gone in the right direction or not?

 

Is this layout considered an ABC structure? read some more about it but I am still not sure on all ways that are considered ABC.

 

Took on board (pun (bus)) the comments and hopefully made some changes for the better? Plenty of innuendo's I hope they work. (This is not intended to be rude as such just a play on words)

 

In the chorus the 2 lines "Top deck" "Back seat" are meant to be sung short n sharp.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 Skin

 

 

Gonna Jump A Red one

 

V

I'm sick of this, tired of waiting for him

Gonna call the girls go clubbing with them

Don’t think of him least for tonight

Slip on my blue jeannnns oh so tight

 

V

He’s not worth my pain over n over again

I got to let him go before I go insane

I'm better than him screw that fool

Who’s he think he is to lay down the rule’s

 

C

Gonna jump a red one No. 69

I've punched his ticket

Now I'm gonna punch mine

A double decker

Is our limo tonight

Top deck

Back seats

Get as high as a kite

 

Bridge (rap)

 

Yeah he’s a loser

Thinks he’s a bruiser

Keeps me hangin

While he’s out bangin

With the boys

(Slight pause)

I'm not one of his toys

(Slight pause)

I’ll show him a rule

Don’t play me for a fool

Put me to the test

I’ll come out best

Every time

 

V

I'm a girl with attitude now you know

Afraid of nothing always ready to blow

I’ll get my highs with what ever I please

A red hot rocket that’s pulling the G’s

 

C

Gonna jump a red one No. 69

I've punched his ticket

Now I'm gonna punch mine

A double decker

Is our limo tonight

Top deck

Back seats

Get as high as a kite

 

Outro (questionable if this works)

 

I’ll get my highs with what ever I please

A red hot rocket that’s pulling the G’s

Hi Skin!

Boy did John ask for it with this challenge! Pop, Love, and Rebellious! Little did he know what it would draf out of us all!

Your change in the chorus makes a very clear picture. I picture a movie scene!

Good one

[Kel]

I think it was a typo mate... drag out of us?

[goldylocks]

Well I have had a crack at a re-write and I am not sure if I have gone in the right direction or not?

 

Is this layout considered an ABC structure? read some more about it but I am still not sure on all ways that are considered ABC.

 

Took on board (pun (bus)) the comments and hopefully made some changes for the better? Plenty of innuendo's I hope they work. (This is not intended to be rude as such just a play on words)

 

In the chorus the 2 lines "Top deck" "Back seat" are meant to be sung short n sharp.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 Skin

 

 

Gonna Jump A Red one

 

V

I'm sick of this, tired of waiting for him

Gonna call the girls go clubbing with them

Don’t think of him least for tonight

Slip on my blue jeannnns oh so tight

 

V

He’s not worth my pain over n over again

I got to let him go before I go insane

I'm better than him screw that fool

Who’s he think he is to lay down the rule’s

 

C

Gonna jump a red one No. 69

I've punched his ticket

Now I'm gonna punch mine

A double decker

Is our limo tonight

Top deck

Back seats

Get as high as a kite

 

Bridge (rap)

 

Yeah he’s a loser

Thinks he’s a bruiser

Keeps me hangin

While he’s out bangin

With the boys

(Slight pause)

I'm not one of his toys

(Slight pause)

I’ll show him a rule

Don’t play me for a fool

Put me to the test

I’ll come out best

Every time

 

V

I'm a girl with attitude now you know

Afraid of nothing always ready to blow

I’ll get my highs with what ever I please

A red hot rocket that’s pulling the G’s

 

C

Gonna jump a red one No. 69

I've punched his ticket

Now I'm gonna punch mine

A double decker

Is our limo tonight

Top deck

Back seats

Get as high as a kite

 

Outro (questionable if this works)

 

I’ll get my highs with what ever I please

A red hot rocket that’s pulling the G’s

Les, I think your chorus flows much better, and I agree with Lisa, it rolls down the page effortlessly. Much better. Definitely a rebellious teenager song, with quite an attitude and great hook in the title and chorus.

 

Goldy       

Edited August 9, 2013 by goldylocks

[Kel]

Well I have had a crack at a re-write and I am not sure if I have gone in the right direction or not?

 

Is this layout considered an ABC structure? read some more about it but I am still not sure on all ways that are considered ABC.

 

Took on board (pun (bus)) the comments and hopefully made some changes for the better? Plenty of innuendo's I hope they work. (This is not intended to be rude as such just a play on words)

 

In the chorus the 2 lines "Top deck" "Back seat" are meant to be sung short n sharp.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 Skin

 

 

Gonna Jump A Red one

 

V

I'm sick of this, tired of waiting for him

Gonna call the girls go clubbing with them

Don’t think of him least for tonight

Slip on my blue jeannnns oh so tight

 

V

He’s not worth my pain over n over again

I got to let him go before I go insane

I'm better than him screw that fool

Who’s he think he is to lay down the rule’s

 

C

Gonna jump a red one No. 69

I've punched his ticket

Now I'm gonna punch mine

A double decker

Is our limo tonight

Top deck

Back seats

Get as high as a kite

 

Bridge (rap)

 

Yeah he’s a loser

Thinks he’s a bruiser

Keeps me hangin

While he’s out bangin

With the boys

(Slight pause)

I'm not one of his toys

(Slight pause)

I’ll show him a rule

Don’t play me for a fool

Put me to the test

I’ll come out best

Every time

 

V

I'm a girl with attitude now you know

Afraid of nothing always ready to blow

I’ll get my highs with what ever I please

A red hot rocket that’s pulling the G’s

 

C

Gonna jump a red one No. 69

I've punched his ticket

Now I'm gonna punch mine

A double decker

Is our limo tonight

Top deck

Back seats

Get as high as a kite

 

Outro (questionable if this works)

 

I’ll get my highs with what ever I please

A red hot rocket that’s pulling the G’s

 

 

Pretty good mate, just a couple of minor things.

1. In verse 2 you use an internal rhyme: He’s not worth my pain over n over again

    however you haven't used one in Verse 1. A guideline is to be consistent with whatever pattern you establish. Therefore to adhere to this guidline, either insert an internal rhyme in the same line in verse 1, 

    or remove Pain in verse 2.

 

2. As a general rule of thumb, we don't add new information after the bridge unless it's in an AABA song form, which this isn't (ABABCB). The solution is to switch the position of V3 and Bridge. Nothing will be

    lost in my opinion, but "correct" structure gained.

 

Whether or not you do either of these suggestions is up to you. I merely want you to be aware. As this is a rebelious song, throw out the rules (or guidelines) as you see fit, you rebel, you.

 

Lastly, I think the Outro works!

 

Good job, old chap! (Not an age reference!)

 

Kel

Wow look at that, THREE (3) PAGES!!!

[goldylocks]

I have a few notes before the song:

1. To the "Just" Nazi - I used the word "just" out of necessity not as a fill in. It also softens the line with the word "text" in it. So not a peep out of you ok Kel?! LOL help me if you can!

2. I listen to Top 40 here in the States and I don't hear any rebellious song on the radio except for Rhianna's "Whips and Chains" (that must have been a risky one to pitch!) so I've squeezed a little "bad" into the bridge.

3. Last week I wrote a verse and chorus for the Pat Pattison free Songwriting Course for Berklee School of Music and have written this song around that verse and chorus because it needed to be a song and I needed to complete/finish my thoughts...I hope this is isn't cheating?

4. I have a tune in my head for this one.

thanks for reading!

It’s OK

By Lisa M. Guzda

 

Has it come to your attention?

I haven’t sent a text

Oh now you are wondering

Should’ve waited for real sex

 

You say you want to be friends

No use falling in love

My heart longs to be yours

Just a text is not enough

 

Chorus

Go ahead deny me

Go ahead say you don’t care

Go ahead I won’t believe you anyway

It’s ok to love me

It’s ok to say you care

It’s ok you’re gonna want me everyday

 

I’ve been warned about your type

Seems you don’t play fair

I never met someone like you

You are bad beyond compare

 

When are you coming over?

So we can get to it

I’ve been saving it for you

I’m hotter than I admit

 

Bridge:

Yeah I’m still living at home, mom and dad won’t leave me alone

I don’t care let’s get hot, you can take all I’ve got

 

Chorus

Go ahead deny me

Go ahead say you don’t care

Go ahead I won’t believe you anyway

It’s ok to love me

It’s ok to say you care

It’s ok you’re gonna want me everyday, everyday, everyday

Boy, Lisa, I wouldn't want to be this girl to be my daughter, you really wrote a rebellious teenager's song. It jumps right off the page. Very dramatic and in your face lyric. I felt the attitude as I read it, Nice job!

 

Goldy         

Edited August 9, 2013 by goldylocks

[Kel]

Hi Guys

 

Thanks for commenting, Lisa, Goldylocks thanks for your input and Goldy I got rid of those lines you highlighted in the bridge. Thanks

 

Kel Doh! of course its a typo, I said I was thick as sometimes!!

 

Rewrite

 

I have made the changes as you suggested Kel because these challenges have guide lines and I wanted to keep to the rules and the structure as it should be. 

 

I have added in brackets a possible replacement last line in the chorus, What ya reckon? 

 

Quick change to V2 L1, It may need a bit more thought but thanks for pointing it out.

 

Age? just call me Peter Pan! as I will never grow old or is that up? Oh! never never mind

 

Cheers

 

Skin

Les,

 

Re the last line of the chorus, I think the original was more in tune with the brief of the song, ie socially unacceptable (well legally anyway) however I think the first "as" breaks the rhythm and " Getting high as a kite" will flow better. Try talking it out. That is always a good yardstick.

 

Mate, I'm 53 and hoping to be a professional songwriter when I grow up!

 

Cheers,

Kel

[Kel]

Cheers mate, that sounds way better. 

 

"Mate, I'm 53 and hoping to be a professional songwriter when I grow up!"  Snap! is there a cure for what we have? I am 1 year and a bit in to writing but I love it, good or bad.

I think you will get there dude, you have what it takes! knowledge, talent and perseverance, the latter I think is the most important in some respects.

 

Thanks 

 

Skin

 

You're welcome, always.

Kel

[Lisa Gates]

Hi Lisa

my turn, what does DRAF mean? googled it but got zilch. or more to the point nothing that seemed to fit (fit what if I dont know what it means) mmmmm

 

I have read your lyric and its good, real good. And what Kel said lol. I did have a suggestion on the bridge but if you are going to change it I wont post.

 

can you send me the link for the Music School, I think you posted it but I cant remember where? Thanks 

 

Skin

Typo for me....

Drag out of us is correct.

Kel, you are getting to know me well...scary!!!

[Kel]

Typo for me....

Drag out of us is correct.

Kel, you are getting to know me well...scary!!!

 

Remember when I was on Google Maps and you stuck your arm out the window and waved.... now I know where you live, remember... Mwah ha ha ha ha

 

It's either that or the F is right next to the G on the keyboard... I'll let you think about which....

[Lisa Gates]

yup, I'm still scared

 

I let you know what I decide on that typo soon. It's a close call either way...

lol

[Kel]

Lol Kel, we did this to my niece for real, told her on the phone we were on new google live maps and she was at a party. Told them what the house looked like with white fence n all, and to go outside with her mates and wave! They did lolololol

Skin

 

I remember years ago I sent this email to a co-worker. It said an amazing new technology was being trialed to test for cancer. All you have to do is put your nose against the computer screen, inside this box and hold that position for 30 seconds for the scan to complete.

 

I was out of the office and came in and saw him doing it and lost it completely.

 

He hit hard, but it was worth it!

 

Kel