Blood To Bleed Critique

[Musicislife]

Hey everybody, I wrote this song and I wanted to see what you thought of it. I need to put it to music but I want to know if there is anything I can improve on. I wrote this song after I went through some plain of my own and I've spoken to many people about breakups and its taken me more than 4 months to get this as close to perfect as I can, even though its probably mediocre at best. Please criticize! Sorry for any misspelled words.

Blood to Bleed

How I am missing you

I want you to be true

You've been gone for so long

I don't know what to do

I can't believe you left me

You wanted to be free

I guess I'm happy for you

I want to be free too

Chorus:

Take me away a from all this

I want to be happy too

Take me away from all this

I can't stop thinking about you

how could you do this

I said I loved you

how could you do this

You said you loved me too

Why don't you feel the same?

Why I am I stuck loving you?

How come you have everything figured out,

And I'm here f*cking confused?

Why is it me who feels like part of me left with you?

Why is it only me that was being true?

Why can't i feel like you do?

Chorus:

Take me away a from all this

I want to be happy too

Take me away from all this

I can't stop thinking about you

how could you do this

I said I loved you

how could you do this

You said you loved me too

You think we can be friends?

I don't agree with you

One thing about friendships

Is that the friends have to be true

I couldn't be a true friend

Theirs no way I'd succeed

The way I feel about you...

Being friends with you-

Would only make me bleed

Chorus:

Take me away a from all this

I want to be happy too

Take me away from all this

I can't stop thinking about you

how could you do this

I said I loved you

how could you do this

You said you loved me too

I only want what's best

For both you and me

But we just don't agree

on what that means

Because I still love you

And you left me with blood to bleed

[Kel]

Hi,

 

I feel your pain!

 

One of the first things that stands out straight away is that you haven't used any of the most successful song forms. By that I mean your structure. Typically, the most successful and most used song form these days is Verse-Chorus-Verse-Chorus-Bridge-Chorus or a variation, often with a double length first verse. The other is Verse-Verse-Bridge-Verse and songs using this structure usually include a refrain, or common first or last line of each verse.

 

Another stand out thing, is that you don't use your title anywhere in your lyrics. The best place for the title is in the chorus if used, or the refrain if not. If people can't remember your song title, they can't google it, request it on the radio or buy it in a store or on iTunes etc. Sure there are exclusions like Bohemian Rhapsody and Unchained Melody but they are rare. Very rare. In my opinion, at this stage your working title should be Take Me Away. It's interesting, you use it more than once in your chorus and it's easy to remember.

 

It's good that you have involved feelings in the lyric, but it's too much about you. People don't want to hear about you. They want to hear about themselves, through your story. And they don't want to sound like they are a loser. You have presented the idea that she was cheating, so you should be leaving her, if regretfully. Nobody wants to hear about themselves whining that a lover who cheated on them left. You be the one to leave. Don't let the truth get in the way of a good story.

 

You can use more "showing" in your lyric. There is plenty of "telling" but the use of metaphor, simile and detail can bring this to life.

 

Some of your rhyming is cliche... you/true/do/too You have used perfect rhymes throughout. Think about using some imperfect rhymes through the verse, and perhaps perfect rhymes through the chorus.

 

eg...

 

Perfect rhymes:  too/true/you/do  good/would/should

Imperfect rhymes: close/most     again/stand   again/when  

 

Sometimes it's how you pronounce words in your region, so be careful with that too. Typically in the US an "a" may  be pronounced "ay" but in UK it's "ar"... dance/darnce for example

 

I think the first four lines of your chorus are enough. The last four lines can be used once in a bridge like you really can't believe she's leaving it will have greater impact than saying it over and over, which sounds whiny.

 

I'll leave it there. If you haven't already, make sure to have a look at everything in the library here on Songstuff. It's gold!

 

Keep at it,

Kel

[Lyriclady]

Hi,

 

I feel your pain!

 

One of the first things that stands out straight away is that you haven't used any of the most successful song forms. By that I mean your structure. Typically, the most successful and most used song form these days is Verse-Chorus-Verse-Chorus-Bridge-Chorus or a variation, often with a double length first verse. The other is Verse-Verse-Bridge-Verse and songs using this structure usually include a refrain, or common first or last line of each verse.

 

Another stand out thing, is that you don't use your title anywhere in your lyrics. The best place for the title is in the chorus if used, or the refrain if not. If people can't remember your song title, they can't google it, request it on the radio or buy it in a store or on iTunes etc. Sure there are exclusions like Bohemian Rhapsody and Unchained Melody but they are rare. Very rare. In my opinion, at this stage your working title should be Take Me Away. It's interesting, you use it more than once in your chorus and it's easy to remember.

 

It's good that you have involved feelings in the lyric, but it's too much about you. People don't want to hear about you. They want to hear about themselves, through your story. And they don't want to sound like they are a loser. You have presented the idea that she was cheating, so you should be leaving her, if regretfully. Nobody wants to hear about themselves whining that a lover who cheated on them left. You be the one to leave. Don't let the truth get in the way of a good story.

 

You can use more "showing" in your lyric. There is plenty of "telling" but the use of metaphor, simile and detail can bring this to life.

 

Some of your rhyming is cliche... you/true/do/too You have used perfect rhymes throughout. Think about using some imperfect rhymes through the verse, and perhaps perfect rhymes through the chorus.

 

eg...

 

Perfect rhymes:  too/true/you/do  good/would/should

Imperfect rhymes: close/most     again/stand   again/when  

 

Sometimes it's how you pronounce words in your region, so be careful with that too. Typically in the US an "a" may  be pronounced "ay" but in UK it's "ar"... dance/darnce for example

 

I think the first four lines of your chorus are enough. The last four lines can be used once in a bridge like you really can't believe she's leaving it will have greater impact than saying it over and over, which sounds whiny.

 

 

I'll leave it there. If you haven't already, make sure to have a look at everything in the library here on Songstuff. It's gold!

 

Keep at it,

Kel

 

I honestly don't think it gets any better than everything he just said. I'll just say that the song has potential but the more common the subject, the more diversity needs to be reflected. Take Kel's advice, he's only steering you in the right direction.