Ghost

[Miscellaneous]

I walk alone silently on never ending roads that twist and turn

Going where whoever even knows.

I have no worries,

I share no cares,

I show no smile,

I cry no tears.

In this world I stand alone

As other walk right through me.

I swear, it's like I'm a ghost

Can anyone even see me?

 

The days quickly flee away

As time quickly ticks away.

I'm bound by the same routine,

Everything is the same for me.

In this world I stand alone

As other walk right through me.

I swear, it's like I'm a ghost

Can anyone even see me?

 

Even though I have no emotions,

My heart craves for love

And its warm touch.

But wishes are not real

Therefore, I peer at others enjoying love's feel.

In this world I stand alone

As others walk right through me

I swear, it's like I'm a ghost

Can anyone even see me?

[justsoulin]

Hiya

 

Going where whoever even knows.

 

As others walk right through me.

 

Not bad

[KaGy]

Hi Miscellaneous, I felt the sadness in your poem when I read it, so the emotion is conveyed well.  I would be inclined to spend the time to pull it in a bit because the idea is really good.  For example, the first line, I'd take out 'never ending', it's cliche which is okay, but as poets we try to create new phrases to wow our audience that haven't been heard before.  If you use a cliche, try to put a different spin on it.

The first two lines in the second stanza are saying the same thing; if you want two lines, then add more 'showing' to your poem.  Have you heard the expression 'don't tell, show,' if not, then look this up, it's an important skill in writing that I am still trying to master.

Furthermore, I think you would like the effect of the poem with less personal references - 'I' - try a re-write reducing these in your text.

 

I hope this helps.  This poem has a rhythm, it just needs a little help.

 

KaGy

[MPerry]

Hi Miscellaneous

 

I like what you wrote very much, though for me it was on the wordy side, like KaGy states above...less is certainly more...you want to entertain and convey your thoughts...and not bog your reader down with too much...readers have short attention spans, they want to be swept in right away or you will lose them...that being said...all the great writers have written long prose in their careers...but you have to be exact in all the right details to carry it from beginning to end.  I think if you go back...and rewrite and edit some more, you will see you have a genuine diamond in the rough!...keep at it, and keep writing, I will be reading...regards Mike

[Asterus]

I'd disagree with the sentiment that the poem needs to be refined. While I instinctively started replacing some words in my mind (Never ending => Endless, Ubiquitous, Phantasmal, Infinite...), the mood of the piece is one of scattered stream of consciousness as the poem currently stands, which I think is a good approach. It feels less "rehearsed" that way and, given the repetition of each stanza, more appropriate for someone who is reflecting, not presenting.

 

Then again, this brings Angel Beats! to mind for me, so Your Mileage May Vary depending on what people associate with the Ghost.