The Hallway

[ImNobodyButMe]

Rap I wrote about someone, any kind of feedback is appreciated, be honest please.

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I cant stop starin'

Your beauty is blarin'

I try to look away

But my eyes can't seem to go astray

You look nice today

Everyday, but no time to say

Everytime I think of talkin'

I take to long and you start walkin'

Then I get nervous

I start thinkin' what is my purpose

A surplus of stupid curses

No nurses can fix my hurtin'

I just want us to be perfect

At least thats my perspect

But im broken

I wanna talk to you but I start chokin'

When I write I feel like my mind is a dictionary

When I try to speak to you my mind is playin pictionary

Now instead im stuck here writin' about a girl I see in the hallway

I pray, some how we can meet one day

Sounds cliche, but I'd bring you a bouquet, of flowers.

I've fallen for you

But im stallin' for me

I cant be what I wanna be

Sweep you off your feet

No others can beat

But I cant seem to reach that feat

So I guess I did get beat,

Damn

Edited August 26, 2015 by ImNobodyButMe

[THEHOUND]

nice.  . some what like my work..good wright

[JaySkathe]

My overall opinion about your work here is definitely mainly positive.  I'll try to articulate as best I can... The progression is nice and smooth, meaning its easy to read and flows well.  I tried hearing the words out loud in my head to get a feel for the way it might sound and again it seemed to transition smoothly.

My one criticism would be (and this really isn't a big deal), but it seems to me that you start a lot of your lines with "I" and throughout " I " is recurring maybe more times than it has to.  Again i don't think this really takes away from the work as a whole, but maybe just something to consider?

You can probably remove the " i " from lines like"

On 8/25/2015, 7:53:09, ImNobodyButMe said:

I just want us to be perfect

 

On 8/25/2015, 7:53:09, ImNobodyButMe said:

I wanna talk to you but I start chokin'

 

On 8/25/2015, 7:53:09, ImNobodyButMe said:

I cant be what I wanna be

Even if you just drop the " i " you can say the sentence without replacing it and it still has the same effect.

That's the only thing that came to mind as a possible change to steer away from potential repetitive parts.

Thanks you for sharing, I enjoy your work very much!

 

Jay