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Insomnia


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A new hip hop song I'm working at.

I don't have a hook yet and also a line in verse 3 with two possibilities.

Lyrics were written over the song Close to you (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5-Kdcrdf4s)

 

 

 

Verse 1:

Tip toeing on the tips of my feet

Laying in bed, pulling over my sheet

Got a fresh start tomorrow, a new day

a new chance to get everything out of my way

Gettin' comfy and hot in here

It's gettin' empty and clear in here

A quick glance, it's 2'30 already

Lets doze of (now) all steady

Eyes closing after a while

Sinking deep in the pillows with a smile

Boundaries between sleep and awake fades away

Powdery like powder used in dactyloscopy

You will become the star in this play

With every performance a new choreography

That's why it feels so heavenly

For those who dream happily

 

Verse 2:

Something seems off to me

Don't know what, but it bothers me

Observe some shady identities

in the shade of this monstrosity

Then you slowly come aware

Of the magnificent place you were

There we are again, in a distorted reality

Awake or asleep, what would I rather be?

It's a constant struggle

It leaves me puzzled

Why is it such a battle

Such a hassle to get some sleep

Laying awake in this heat

The only thing that helps is this beat

A quick glance, it's 4'20 now

Put your head down and sleep somehow

 

Verse 3:

Drank some water, checked my phone twice

peed a little later, hear tripplin', probably mice

Every sound seems so loud, that's how it goes at night

Wind blows through trees, whisperin' loud and clear

Like dueling knights, a never ending fight

hashing, slashing without any fear

Then it goes quiet again

The darkness of the night absorbs anything, so it began

Your body needs sleep, eyes got tired

|Your back aches like it's on fire| or |Got cold feet, they seem to be on fire|

If you pursue and stay quiet

You will achieve your goal, just try it

and when you finally let your guard down

The traffic starts again in town

And the rooster crows, it's dawn

So with a big yawn a new day goes down

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Noob

Nice work, your flow is really consistent. There are a few spots where it stumbles.

Quote

 

Every sound seems so loud, that's how it goes at night

Wind blows through trees, whisperin' loud and clear

 

I don't like whisper'n...Just feels kind of clunky. Not sure what I'd change it to...Maybe "Scream'n loud in my ear." or you cloud keep clear. 

Quote

hashing, slashing without any fear

To me hashing doesn't fit, what about clashing? And lastly

Quote

|Your back aches like it's on fire| or |Got cold feet, they seem to be on fire|

Personally l like "Your back aches like it's on fire" Its short and crisp. The other one feels long, that and it contradicts itself.

Just my 2bits. 

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3 hours ago, Unlinkedtwo said:

Nice work, your flow is really consistent. There are a few spots where it stumbles.

I don't like whisper'n...Just feels kind of clunky. Not sure what I'd change it to...Maybe "Scream'n loud in my ear." or you cloud keep clear. 

To me hashing doesn't fit, what about clashing? And lastly

Personally l like "Your back aches like it's on fire" Its short and crisp. The other one feels long, that and it contradicts itself.

Just my 2bits. 

Thanks for the detailed feedback!

I liked whisperin' because it was an alliteration with wind. But it seems a bit too long indeed.

For the other one I liked what you did with clashing (got hashing from google translate so yeah... :P )

I did a quick recording and the back aches like it's on fire fits better indeed

 

Peace!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey bud,

Cool song. I like the flow and the story very much.

I would like to hear it over the track.

 

Not sure if this will work, but I scribbled down an option for the hook. Hope you like it.

 

Hook:

Sleepless I roll, with out any control,

Over thoughts in my head, monsters under my bed,

Sun makes me rise, tired look in my eyes, now the day comes again, will tonight be the same,

 

Best of luck

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