Lyrics Writing Challenge: Spring

[Peggy]

Hi MP,

Oh no.. it's about her life. Although, she is no longer with us,  passing away earlier this year.  John put the spring challenge out there. Dad said "write a song about your Mother". I blended them because for me they really worked together. But still considering a more generic "she" as suggested by Timbre (i think)

 

My first upbeat idea for the spring challenge was a coyote, very happy because spring brings baby rabbits, squirrels, couped up house cats... all so delicious.  But it started sounding alittle too Warren Zevon for the challenge

 

 Working on the clock line.  She had this song bird clock in one of the sunrooms that sang a different bird song each hour. 

Peggy

[Arthur Atsu]

Hello!

This is a song I wrote for my graduation.

Since in Japan, we graduate on spring when Cherry blossoms bloom. 

Here it is Sakura;

 

When will I see you again
I asked myself a long time ago

But today has come pack all your thoughts

Take it with you to the place you go

 

Season starts to change,

Leaves fall from the bright sky

You just gotta wait for the spring to reprise

 

No one never knows why

and what we are here for

but don’t you dare think 

you’re not worth a while

 

But why now?

 

Sakura, my life has only just begun

Sakura, It’s time for us to learn to climb

 

Things I’ll miss the most

are the days that seem to fly by

and not the days that flew high or low

 

Destiny awaits, miracles are real

But god only knows…

 

It’s been a while since I met this place

Years went by as people came and left

I learnt to rise though I learnt to fall

Love I found seemed to never end

 

But as the snow falls down,

My heart would feel colder

My sorrow and grief goes numb

as I grow old

 

I start to miss the fall,

I can see through the glass wall

It keeps pushing me to the end

and I can’t fight time

 

So don’t go,

 

Sakura, my hear meanders with my mind

Sakura, I’ll go to leave this all behind

 

Things I’ll miss the most 

is who I am today ‘cause

Won’t know who or what I’ll be

 

 

Patients will tell

What you really are

and who you’ll become

 

I never thought this day would come

and I never thought I’d miss this place

and I never thought Sakura would fall

But as they fell I understand

That someday we will meet the end

We’re in the middle of the full bloom

It’s our time, don’t run away

It’s our life, I’ve got to stay

 

No cold or wind will blow us now

 

Sakura, My life has only just begun

桜これが僕の定めと知る

桜華開く僕の場所

その時の桜はまた綺麗

 

Translation : 

Sakura, my time has come to an end

Sakura, where I'll come again where the flower blooms

And by that time, Sakura will be beautiful than ever

 

I can’t thank enough

For the people who showed love

then I’m such a fool, I’m too young to know

Soon I’ll leave this town

And once I figured out

 

I’m free to bloom

[Timbre]

Hi, Peggy.

 

For the clock line what about linking it to morning and waking up to the songbird clock? Would strengthen the arc from dawn to night even further.

 

~T

[Timbre]

26 minutes ago, Arthur Atsu said:

This is a song I wrote for my graduation.

Since in Japan, we graduate on spring when Cherry blossoms bloom. 

Here it is Sakura;

 

When will I see you again
I asked myself a long time ago

But today has come pack all your thoughts

Take it with you to the place you go

 

Season starts to change,

Leaves fall from the bright sky

You just gotta wait for the spring to reprise

 

No one never knows why

and what we are here for

but don’t you dare think 

you’re not worth a while

 

But why now?

 

Sakura, my life has only just begun

Sakura, It’s time for us to learn to climb

 

Things I’ll miss the most

are the days that seem to fly by

and not the days that flew high or low

 

Destiny awaits, miracles are real

But god only knows…

 

It’s been a while since I met this place

Years went by as people came and left

I learnt to rise though I learnt to fall

Love I found seemed to never end

 

But as the snow falls down,

My heart would feel colder

My sorrow and grief goes numb

as I grow old

 

I start to miss the fall,

I can see through the glass wall

It keeps pushing me to the end

and I can’t fight time

 

So don’t go,

 

Sakura, my hear meanders with my mind

Sakura, I’ll go to leave this all behind

 

Things I’ll miss the most 

is who I am today ‘cause

Won’t know who or what I’ll be

 

 

Patients will tell

What you really are

and who you’ll become

 

I never thought this day would come

and I never thought I’d miss this place

and I never thought Sakura would fall

But as they fell I understand

That someday we will meet the end

We’re in the middle of the full bloom

It’s our time, don’t run away

It’s our life, I’ve got to stay

 

No cold or wind will blow us now

 

Sakura, My life has only just begun

桜これが僕の定めと知る

桜華開く僕の場所

その時の桜はまた綺麗

 

Translation : 

Sakura, my time has come to an end

Sakura, where I'll come again where the flower blooms

And by that time, Sakura will be beautiful than ever

 

I can’t thank enough

For the people who showed love

then I’m such a fool, I’m too young to know

Soon I’ll leave this town

And once I figured out

 

I’m free to bloom

Hi, Arthur.

Welcome to the site. Great idea to link graduation with spring and, more specifically with blooming of cherry blossoms. I struggled with getting a clear sense of your structure. It would help to distinguish your verses from your chorus and to try to approximate a similar rhythm and rhyme scheme to reinforce the structure. If you intend something different with your structure, it would help to give us an idea about that. I'm also curious about Sakura. It has a beautiful sound to it, but is it a name or an idea? ~T

[McnaughtonPark]

2 hours ago, Peggy said:

Hi MP,

Oh no.. it's about her life. Although, she is no longer with us,  passing away earlier this year.  John put the spring challenge out there. Dad said "write a song about your Mother". I blended them because for me they really worked together. But still considering a more generic "she" as suggested by Timbre (i think)

 

My first upbeat idea for the spring challenge was a coyote, very happy because spring brings baby rabbits, squirrels, couped up house cats... all so delicious.  But it started sounding alittle too Warren Zevon for the challenge

 

 Working on the clock line.  She had this song bird clock in one of the sunrooms that sang a different bird song each hour. 

Peggy

Ok, it's becoming more clear.  Sometimes we write very personal things that others won't understand exactly.  That's fine as far as a song goes, you've written many, you'll write many more.  

 

Ive written a number of songs surrounding my mother, or including her I should say.  So sorry to hear of your loss, it's tough to go through, that's a space that nothing else can fill.  Changing of seasons from winter to spring certainly won't be enough because there's so much that won't have her.  

 

Your song has her.  It is full of reminiscence, which is a past tense movement.  Odd for me to have only caught all that now, I was stuck on the clock line.  I do that, get stuck and have a hard time moving past things.  But now I see it makes perfect sense to you, and I'll bet your father understands that line too.  It's just so personal that it isn't clear to others.

 

my critique wants to move to the melody, I honestly, now, am singing this with a bit of melancholy in the melody.  Are you?  What is the melody?

 

 

[Peggy]

10 hours ago, McnaughtonPark said:

 

my critique wants to move to the melody, I honestly, now, am singing this with a bit of melancholy in the melody.  Are you?  What is the melody?

 

 

The rest of the lyric will be changed however i make those 3 changes but aware of the issues. so I do need to move on to the melody.. as i sing it it's a happy songbut the chorus is the drag on the mood and needs something.  My singing stinks.

[Peggy]

On 3/24/2017 at 7:48 AM, john said:

 

springtime, summertime, be mine, rewind

Springtime, summertime, unwind, be mine

Peggy

[McnaughtonPark]

19 hours ago, Peggy said:

The rest of the lyric will be changed however i make those 3 changes but aware of the issues. so I do need to move on to the melody.. as i sing it it's a happy songbut the chorus is the drag on the mood and needs something.  My singing stinks.

Mine too,  it is what it is.  I'm also not a performer.  But what can you do right, lyrics need to be sung.  

 

I also have a tendency to edit to the melody I start out with, I don't know if you do or not, but I don't always keep that melody in the song.  Maybe choosing another melody first will help move the edits in the direction you want?

[Peggy]

11 hours ago, McnaughtonPark said:

Mine too,  it is what it is.  I'm also not a performer.  But what can you do right, lyrics need to be sung.  

 

I also have a tendency to edit to the melody I start out with, I don't know if you do or not, but I don't always keep that melody in the song.  Maybe choosing another melody first will help move the edits in the direction you want?

I almost always have the melody come as i'm writing.  I get pretty stuck on it but i'm at the mercy of others for the vocals, bass, guitar so sometimes we have discussions and my melodies change (maybe i should use that as an advantage now and then).  Think choosing another melody is where I'm headed or I may not hit that full upbeat happy (or dump the chorus for another).

Dang, happy is tough under the gun. 

Peggy

 

[McnaughtonPark]

39 minutes ago, Peggy said:

I almost always have the melody come as i'm writing.  I get pretty stuck on it but i'm at the mercy of others for the vocals, bass, guitar so sometimes we have discussions and my melodies change (maybe i should use that as an advantage now and then).  Think choosing another melody is where I'm headed or I may not hit that full upbeat happy (or dump the chorus for another).

Dang, happy is tough under the gun. 

Peggy

 

Lol, I know!

[john]

You thought I would set an easy challenge? mwuahahahahaha

 

That aside, stretching is a good thing

[McnaughtonPark]

5 minutes ago, john said:

You thought I would set an easy challenge? mwuahahahahaha

 

That aside, stretching is a good thing

I agree.  It feels good to work at a goal.  

[Pahchisme Plaid]

Oh my! Looks like I have some catching up to do!  

[Pahchisme Plaid]

On 3/24/2017 at 5:52 PM, Peggy said:

Hi,

My spring entry if it's not too late

 

Springtime and Mom   Copyright 03/17/2017 Peggy L. Smart-Barnes

------ C 1 --------
Never had to feel
The stinging cold of wintertime
Never had to see
The darkest night it brings
Waking up each day
Would be a fresh new calm
It was
Springtime and Mom

------ V 1 --------
She was springtime all year long
A clock ticking as birds sang their song
Flowers blooming or waiting their turn
Gentle courage showing you could

------ V 2 --------
She brought sunshine after the rain
A warm comfort for whatever the pain
Breezes dancing and moving the clouds
Brightened spirits making  you smile

------ V 3 --------
She joined laughter as children play
A time building for the very next day
Leaving something but nothing that showed
Some way you'd be nourished to grow

------ V 4 --------
She sensed quiet as the sunset came
The sounds of crickets never the same
Touching dreams with prayers from her heart
Ever resting as the petals dropped

------ C 2 -----
Never had to feel
The stinging cold of wintertime
Never had to see
The darkest night it brings
For every night
Would be an ending calm
It was
Springtime and Mom

 

I love how it appears you progress from your mom's younger days to the days of growing older.  You use such wonderful imagery to show that, particularly in your 4fh verse.  It's amazing to see how you were able to do that AND express your mom as your forever Springtime AND show her character as a mom in your imagery.  "Leaving something, but nothing that showed" says so much!  

[Peggy]

Hi Pachisme Plaid,

Thanks for such kind words!  I've come to terms (haha) with where the changes are needed, though.

Lyrics are such funny things. Who would imagine that you would have to dig so deep to change a word or two or more? (Sometimes it's so easy and apparent, sometimes apparent not easy) But love folks helping me get there when needed!

You helped put this in perspective for me.

All you guys are the best!!

Peggy

 

 

[john]

Hi Gang

 

I created a poll and review topic for participants so I can get an idea of what you though of the challenge. Please take part:

 

 

It is for participants only. I will post a separate poll for everyone a little later.

 

Cheers

 

Jon

[Pahchisme Plaid]

On 3/15/2017 at 4:44 PM, Pahchisme Plaid said:

Here is my updated version.  I took out the last line (And it Feels so good!), changed they rhyme on the 4th verse, which made me feel as though I should change the ending, so the ending changed, too.

 

My Springtime Song  
lyrics by Kc Chad © 2017

 

My Springtime song
 got my mud boots on
slip-sliding along
leaving skids like a car
leaves black on the tar
Fingerpaints by foot
Squiggle, gobbledy gook

 

My Springtime song
 got my mud boots on
splish-spashing in ponds
Mom says I need waders
when I wrestle them gators
scales of bark on logs
near the edge of the pond

 

My Springtime song
I got my mud boots on
I'm swish-swashing along
splashing with an aim (to)
create tsunami waves
in those puddles like ponds

 

My Springtime song
I got my mud boots on
Noggin's duly drenched
soaked to my underpants
drizzling strings of hair

But meh, I  don't care

 

The snow is gone

Springtime's on 
Mud becomes my fav'rite wear

 

 

[Pahchisme Plaid]

On 3/28/2017 at 10:09 AM, Arthur Atsu said:

Hello!

This is a song I wrote for my graduation.

Since in Japan, we graduate on spring when Cherry blossoms bloom. 

Here it is Sakura;

 

When will I see you again
I asked myself a long time ago

But today has come pack all your thoughts

Take it with you to the place you go

 

Season starts to change,

Leaves fall from the bright sky

You just gotta wait for the spring to reprise

 

No one never knows why

and what we are here for

but don’t you dare think 

you’re not worth a while

 

But why now?

 

Sakura, my life has only just begun

Sakura, It’s time for us to learn to climb

 

Things I’ll miss the most

are the days that seem to fly by

and not the days that flew high or low

 

Destiny awaits, miracles are real

But god only knows…

 

It’s been a while since I met this place

Years went by as people came and left

I learnt to rise though I learnt to fall

Love I found seemed to never end

 

But as the snow falls down,

My heart would feel colder

My sorrow and grief goes numb

as I grow old

 

I start to miss the fall,

I can see through the glass wall

It keeps pushing me to the end

and I can’t fight time

 

So don’t go,

 

Sakura, my hear meanders with my mind

Sakura, I’ll go to leave this all behind

 

Things I’ll miss the most 

is who I am today ‘cause

Won’t know who or what I’ll be

 

 

Patients will tell

What you really are

and who you’ll become

 

I never thought this day would come

and I never thought I’d miss this place

and I never thought Sakura would fall

But as they fell I understand

That someday we will meet the end

We’re in the middle of the full bloom

It’s our time, don’t run away

It’s our life, I’ve got to stay

 

No cold or wind will blow us now

 

Sakura, My life has only just begun

桜これが僕の定めと知る

桜華開く僕の場所

その時の桜はまた綺麗

 

Translation : 

Sakura, my time has come to an end

Sakura, where I'll come again where the flower blooms

And by that time, Sakura will be beautiful than ever

 

I can’t thank enough

For the people who showed love

then I’m such a fool, I’m too young to know

Soon I’ll leave this town

And once I figured out

 

I’m free to bloom

I like your progression of ideas using the blossoms.   I'm not sure the structure of the song as your lines are numbered (going by returns), 4,3,1,2,4,2,3,2,4,41,2,4,3,8,1,4,3,5,1  so that was a little hard to follow. I also had a hard time with recognizing a consistent rhyme scheme,  I tried figuring from your first lines that they might be ABCB-ADD, but right off, the second part was ABACB and then your one line, "But why now?",  You do have some rhymes so I'm guessing that you had intent to do rhyming.  If not, maybe swap the words around to AVOID anything that sounds like you might be trying to rhyme-- so maybe focus on getting consistent in the number of lines for each verse, each refrain or chorus line (unless of course this is a structure I'm not yet familiar with).  I haven't tried checking syllables because that would be difficult without knowing the number of lines for each of your verses, but after you do fix that, you might want to check your syllables to be sure they are near the same number for each of the first lines of your verses, the second lines of your verses and so on.  I like the idea of intermingling the two languages and Sakura has such a lovely sound to it.  Sakura means Spring in Japanese? You didn't really say and I wondered if maybe it could mean Cherry Blossoms (??).  I think you have interesting content that will make a great song once you have your line and rhyme structure and syllables where they need to be.

[Dawn Robertson]

Lyric writing challenge Spring:  Sands of Time

 

Sands of Time

 

Something happened to me

The warm air blew right through me

The flowers now bloom within

Spring inside I smell them in

 

I'll force the cold away

Make room for a sunny day

It's true what they say

A new start for every day

 

Chorus:

I'm running to the shore

The sands of time forever more

The warm sun upon my skin

Out with the old for the new begins

I've had enough of the dark

I need the light for the spark

Blooming deep inside of me

Are months of yearning endlessly

 

I'll rewrite my history 

Shake off all they did to me

Plant in the garden of hope

Pray for the strength to cope

 

With the seasons and with the time

All is healed if done right

Breathe in deep the scents the smells

That life has to offer and you'll prevail

 

Chorus

 

Bridge:

What is a life if not lived

What is a season of beauty if hid

What is a lesson of a life 

If never you never even try

 

Chorus

 

Roll in this new season

Forget all the reasons

Just be you and you'll be fine

But only if you take the time

 

End with bridge