Producing Sucks - Sponsored segment (PG 18+)
Entry posted by VoiceEx in Sponsored segment
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When most people think about producing albums, they automatically associate it with something glamours. They imagine a high end studio, the latest in software and hardware, walls littered with instruments, Marshall`s amps everywhere, Steinway Pianos as far as the eye can see, groupies stripping in cages during recording sessions, and all sorts of extravagant settings. They imagine something grandiose, filling their heads with lofty fantasies of a luxurious lifestyle. They think that all producers drive a Porsche, wear expensive suits, smoke cigars, and wake up to no less than five big breasted supermodel girlfriends that serve them Russian caviar for breakfast.
But we know better, don`t we. We know about the literal mountain of cables and wires that we trip on each day, the constant tinkering with the software, the cost of maintenance to both instruments and hardware alike, trying not to sneeze next to something sensitive, and having to take constant breaks just to stand infront of the AC, because shit gets hot real fast. Not to mention tuning up everything from a DB-drum set, to a kazoo that somehow got tossed in the room. And I don`t even own a kazoo! all these things and more, are just the tip of the iceberg. There are so many other elements in the equation, stuff which is so incredibly boring and mundane, that listing them will literally put me to sleep. And these are just some of the many MANY reasons why I don`t like reading articles and magazine about post-production. I find most articles as being life draining and incredibly boring. Which kinda sucks because keeping up with these sorts of things is part of the jig.
Though I always try to keep an open mind, ya know? perhaps there is someone out there that can offer me salvation, and present me with an incredible literal journey. Any takers? @MikeRobinson? @Cody?
* You probably have no idea why I pinged you. Allow me to explain: this blog mostly serves as a means of comedic relief. A "break" from some of the seriousness (and sometimes boredom) of the open forum. In my previous entry in I mentioned that I was considering to ping active members without warning, for shits and giggles. Just to see what happens. Some of my readers might have thought that I was joking. Well... I wasn't 😅 truth be told, you might not fit into the aforementioned category of the type of people I was considering to ping over here. You can read all about that if your interested. Anyway that`s, that. Now your here! welcome! I hope you enjoy your stay, brief as it might be ! lol I hope you are not too taken off by this. And if you are.. well.. too late *
And now i`m going back to my usual writing like this never happened.
Though producing an album on your own is actually one of the lesser evils. If your a DIY artist, you mostly have to contend with yourself or with whatever oil baron or sweatshop is sponsoring you. There is more to it of course, but that is just one end of the spectrum. Awhile back I made a thread about collaborations, raising a few questions around that subject. Ya`ll don`t know this about me, but I generally tend to avoid such murky waters. Its not that I "hate" working with other people. Far from it. But.. there are certain types of musicians who I just... can`t stand working with. Especially people that come from the soundtrack neck of the woods. Classical musicians and composers tend to come from very specific backrounds, and they tend to have very particular demands.
Oh shit. You know what? f*ck it. I have been too nice about this until now. Let me show you what a "day at the office" looks like for me, and what sort of people I have to deal with sometimes.
Dramatic reenactment:
VX:
"Okay so... M.r British player. I sent you the music sheet last week. Have you recorded the violin parts?"
British Player:
"A violin?! oh my dear sweet innocent child. This is not a 'violin'. This is a Stradivarius! it was hand crafted, polished, and thoroughly licked by no less than twelve Italian eunuchs, before being presented to me by Antonio Stradivari himself!"
VX:
"Isn't he dead though?"
British Player:
"Only in the hearts and minds of the ignorant..."
VX:
"Well its a good thing you said only twelve eunuchs. If you said thirteen that might have sounded crazy..".
British Player:
"You know sarcasm is the trademark of the under-educated..."
VX:
"Yeah just like how listening to fossils rambling is a form of corporal punishment. Anyway. I don`t care. I'd like to get this over with. Have you finished the recording?"
British Player:
"Recording? RECORDING?! oh no, my dear boy. I have most certainly NOT... 'recorded'. That is not what I intended to do. What I am doing is.. I am.. preforming a..."
VX:
"Oh no..."
British Player:
"A miracle...".
VX:
"F*cking hell."
British Player:
"Yes. And it shall be.. the most glorious union of instruments! do not avert your eyes, boy! for you are witnessing.. greatness. Just imagine the setup. The dimmed lighting of candles. Lemon scented incense. French wine. Dozens of dazzling orchids evenly spread across the room, in the shape of a musical note. And to top it off.. a single white lily dove, gracefully perching on its extravagantly adorned cage. Have you ever held a dove, boy? they are incredibly soft creatures.."
VX:
"Okay so we are doing this. First of all. No. You need help. Second. That is the stuff of nightmares. Third. That is not a dove. That is a taxidermy sitting on a stick..."
British Player:
"Can you believe this fellow? such a lack of imagination! no wonder your generation can`t produce any real music. You and your Justin Bieber`s, Rihanna`s and Skrillexe`s, infesting the music industry with your vile and loathsome creations. My generation has witnessed true greatness from the likes of Louis Armstrong, Elvis and Bob Dylan! oh do tell me, boy, what does your generation have? cat videos? ASMR videos of people pressing Spacebars? oh that`s right, I forgot who I was dealing with. You wouldn't be able to recognize good music unless it was sprinkled into lines of cocaine".
VX:
"What is this, Attack of the Boomers? why are you even here? aren't you suppose to make a guest appearance in Rick and Morty? listen, Rasputin, I don`t care how they did things back in the stone age, or how many slaves you own. Now please... id like nothing more than to just.. go away, and let you get back to your Masonry. I`m sure that your deeply missed back at the mansion. So, please, for the love of God, can you do us both a favor and just record the f*cking track? that way I can go back to consuming large quantities of a alcohol to repress this experience, and than you can go back to your cult..."
Life.
What a strange phenomena.
We study it to no end, yet, it continues to baffle us, and it raises the most profound questions.
Why are we here? Where are we heading? is there intelligent life out there? Is there a God? is there an afterlife? will the governments of the world ever enforce a mandate in elementary schools that forces snotty Gen Z`s to watch re-runs of "Married with Children", so they they will get off their lilly asses and stop acting like little bitches everytime someone says a fat joke?
The answers to these questions, are things we might never know. If only there was SOMEONE that could give us answers. They say that freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes. That`s Gandhi.
BUT WE ARE NOT HERE TO LISTEN TO PEOPLE THAT STARVED THEMSELVES! WE ARE HERE TO LISTEN TO SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS! what? ideology? ha! more like, Brokelogy, am I right? I wonder if Gandhi was deliberately trying to set an example for homeless people, or if things were really that bad in India. Crazy old coot. Forget about him. Let me introduce you to a guy that has a REAL stake on things...
Introducing: @Popthree. AKA: Mike Kennedy. <-- ITS A LINK TO HIS MUSIC. The man. The myth. The legend. The girls.
Personal Bio:
Hunter. Explorer. Humanitarian. Wife collector. Father of twelve. Heart breaker. Entrepreneur. Oil baron. Arms dealer. Illuminati member. Secret owner of Microsoft. Musical genius, prodigy of all things and CEO of everything! and when this guy makes music - you know he MEANS business!
Because when your listening to his songs, your not just "listening to music". Oh no. "Listening to music" is something you can say when you hear homeless people drumming with sticks over garbage bins. What we have here, is something more. Because when you are soaking in Mike`s divine melodies, your not just... "listening to music", like some ape that's being electrocuted for the sake of testing out hair products. Oh no. When you hear his songs, you are experiencing a... revelation! one might even say, that you are soaking in an 'evolution' of mind, body, soul, and even the universe itself! though don`t take my word for it. Lets hear some testimonies from people that were inspired by his albums!
Bio:
Clueless businessman & insignificant inventor of silly things. He was genetically modified to only dates blondes, exclusively.
Elon Musk:
"Before I started listening to Mike`s music, I didn't know what to do with myself. Working day in day out at the docks, lifting heavy things and polishing people`s shoes, I kept hearing voices telling me: Tesla Tesla Tesla. Back at the time I hadn't heard Mike`s music yet, so my brain was less evolved and I have been know to get startled and faint by hearing loud noises and thinking about futuristic ideas. But all that changed once I heard Mike`s music! its like... all of a sudden I just `knew`things, ya know? science, engineering, physics, I used to think that those things were cake toppings! ha! imagine that! you changed my life, Mike! HERE - take these naked pictures I have here of internationally acclaimed performer and personal sex toy, formally known as Grimes. I know that she`s not on the same caliber of the girls that you are used too. But common take it, for my sake! I know that shes just a silly trophy artsy wife I took in for good measure. But i`m sure that you can get a solid price on E-Bay for these puppies!"
Lets hear another testimony!
Bio:
Occupation - struggling actress, dances on tables, gets fondled on national television. Commonly known for playing the role of "Black Widow" from the Marvel movie franchise. Squeezing into tailor made catsuits is also how she got accepted into acting school.
Scarlett Johansson:
"You might not be able to tell this about me, but I wasn't very popular growing up. I had braces, I was overweight and flat chested. Kids used to make fun by saying: "oh no here comes the scarlet moon! lets get outta here, we don`t get sucked into its gravity!". They also used to throw Pink Floyd albums at my head. "The Wall", they called it. You know, because I had no breasts. Overall I was really just the dumbest, most hopeless girl you ever met. When all the kids started riding bicycles, I was that one kid banging coconuts on the floor, making hoof noises, pretending I was riding a horse. Yup. Things were looking grim."
"But all that changed thanks to Mike! you see, my parents felt sorry for me, so they got me one of Mikes albums for my 10th birthday. And there I was, listening to Mike`s music while standing on the table during class. As I often do for some reason. And then all of a sudden... it happened. Mike started singing! and it was like magic! all of a sudden my head started filling with flashing images of melons and gyms! I started seeing complex galaxies, and started to understand languages I never understood before! like English! all of the sudden... the entire world just... made sense. for the first time in my life. I felt like all universal paradoxes were solved, by the voice of an angel. This is exactly why I had Mike`s face tattooed on my thighs. You are a true gift to the world, Mike! we should make love until my ovaries dry out!"
You heard it here folks. It can`t be argued with scientifically. Mike`s music is not only DIVINE, it is life altering. No longer will you be slaves to your gene pool, and be restrained by the cruel hands of fates. And if you haven't heard his songs yet, than right now you are just another feeble drone plagued by an unfair existence. Just another sheep being overwhelmed by a whirlwind of your life`s mundane obligations. But with the help of Mike`s music, you could become so much more! his music is SO GOOD it can impregnate women! so hide your daughters! ha! you should know that people that haven't heard his stuff have a tenancy to die young. So go check his stuff out RIGHT NOW before your dick gets small, and your wife gets large. TRUE STORY!
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special report.
So I wanted to finish the monologue segments and do a proper closing, but unfortunately I had to stop writing because I had some shit to do. Maybe i`ll make a "part II" from this or at a later time. No promises though. Anyway. As you can see, I have started to play around with the Mock sponsorship bits. I`m mostly just shooting ideas off the top of my head, but its been really fun to write like this. So did you guys like it? what do you think? would any of my other readers like to become a sponsor? i`m looking at YOU @Steve Mueske! or maybe one of the new comers? i`m also interested in doing mock song reviews (you can find more information here). Though that option is not for the faint of heart, as those will not be in a form of glorification. That`s only for people that want me to roast their songs.
Here is the list of upcoming sponsors: (additional submission requests can be added here. I`ll edit them in).
Edited by VoiceEx
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