Kel

This was my original. I've followed the guru's destructions and the thread pertaining to the latest version is: Final Version 7 Feb 2014 07:44 GMT+10 http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/34550-challenge-entry-the-crossing/ The Crossing At the crossing as a child I'd sit for a while Watching trains rumble by, going somewhere. I'd be counting all the cars For no purpose I suppose And I wondered where the mighty diesel goes. At the crossing in my youth All my friends were so uncouth But I didn't even notice what they're doing. As the diesel thundered by In the clickety clack I found peace in the mayhem at my back. And in my rebel years I thought All the freedom that I sought Could be found within the rattle of the rails. At the crossing late one night I slipped aboard and travelled light On a diesel heading north I sought my grail. At the crossing up ahead There's a boy in tattered threads Watching trains rumble by, going somewhere. He's counting all the trucks For no purpose that he knows And I see he's dreaming where the diesel goes

Sung to the tune of Fair Way For Kevin (Oops, I've mixed up my Challenges!) One Ember There are embers that glide Through the hot summer sky That are looking for something to land upon. And these embers that fly On the night wind so dark Seeking fuel where they can find a spark. Ooh, let me wander. Ooh, let me wander. If there is hope for anyone It lays in random mischance So the ember falls harmlessly earthward. There are ways the gods can even out the chances but Why should they care about those mortal souls. Ooh and it lets me wander. Ooh and it lets me wander. There are embers falling careless In the hedgerows, As the wind blows, There are embers falling in the river flows. There are embers falling careless Where the houses Have straw rooves. Do you think they care about the children though. And as fire burns the house And smoke is swirling in the draft Lost souls mill about the street Heedless of the children's screams And sirens drown out all the cries Of all the burning girls and boys And all from one ember it burns And all from one ember it burns And all from one ember it burns There's an ember out there And it doesn't even care About churches schools or orphanage.

Hi Relucpo, and welcome to the challenge. I haven't the time to go into any depth right now, but I have found in most cases, as soon as you feel the need to explain your lyrics, it means your message/story is not clear enough. Obscurity is the realm of the poet not the lyricist. There is no real point in writing a lyric nobody (or very few) will understand. Only those very few will ever listen again. Not so in poetry, where so called "critics' attempt to break down a poem and find inner meanings, parallels, metaphors and the like. Songs are to entertain. If the audience doesn't get it, it's best to go back to the drawing board. More later... Cheers, Kel

A hunka hunka....

I'm feeling old! Never heard of any of them! What is "shoegaze"?

Bring it on Christine, and get rid of the droning monotone of Stevie Nicks while you are at it! I bought Nick's first album for my first wife and couldn't believe a single song went for 45 minutes. Apparently there were 10 track or so, but it sounded like one! Kel

Great post Mahesh! Really interesting. Kel

Welcome to the challenge Asaph. You managed to portray a nice feeling of obsession with "10" and that is the idea. Larry the Lazy Lounge Lyricist would have been excited with the alliteration in the first line, but his challenge is over! Keep this up there will be another worthy challenger in our midst! Cheers, Kel

I usually start on the hook first. The hook can be in a chorus, or in a refrain, either way it's the most important part of the song in my opinion. Everything else should be there to support it. If you want a chorus, build it around/to the hook. Then the W questions will supply the info needed in the verses. (Who, where, what, why) Cheers, Kel

I get the reference, and I like it. For you non-Aussies, XXXX is a brand of beer, brewed near where I live in Queensland. The joke runs something like, Queenslanders are so dumb, they can't even spell "beer"! Is it just me Lloyd, or did you write this while thinking of Kenny Rogers' "Lucille"? It fits! Cheers, Kel

Maybe you live Avery gentle life, Goldy: Johnnie is Johnnie Walker scotch whisky, Jim is Jim Beam bourbon, The Captain is Captain Morgan rum and Jack is Jack Daniels Tennessee Whisky. It isn't a funny situation because since she left him, he's developed a drinking problem. 40 ounces is the imperial measurement for a litre! K

Yes, the screecher is me, in all my inability to hold a tune. Not sure why you see it is hilarious, but the reference to Toby Keith I love. Thanks, Kel

Yep, inappropriate. Funny though! Kel

Nice one Goldy. I see elegance in the simplicity. Bravo! Kel

I use this one. I admit, I don't practice as much as I should, and I should revisit myself. I must add though, that a personal coach is very important for correcting technique you get lazy with or just have wrong, so make sure you see a coach at least occasionally. Good luck. http://www.superiorsingingmethod.com/ Kel

Onto it, Bud. K

Forty Ounce Dose https://soundcloud.com/kelabbmusic/kel-abbott-2 Jack moved in when you moved out And it looks like he's here to stay. Johnnie came and went again, Jim could only take me half way, When the Captain couldn't set me free There was nothin else I could do, Jack has been taking good care of me In a forty ounce dose of gettin' over you. When you packed your bags and slammed the door You left a man who had no idea. As your tyres spun in the driveway I was gettin' me another beer. Jack moved in when you moved out And it looks like he's here to stay. Johnnie came and went again, Jim could only take me half way, When the Captain couldn't set me free There was nothin else I could do, Jack has been taking good care of me In a forty ounce dose of gettin' over you. All the boys complained when I didn't join in For the regular Tuesday night game. I was deuces wild at the twist and shout And still don't remember her name. Jack moved in when you moved out And it looks like he's here to stay. Johnnie came and went again, Jim could only take me half way, When the Captain couldn't set me free There was nothin else I could do, Jack has been taking good care of me In a forty ounce dose of gettin' over you. They come and go but the truth be told They aren't the woman you are at all. Jack has been taking good care of me In a forty ounce dose of... Jack moved in when you moved out And it looks like he's here to stay. Johnnie came and went again, Jim could only take me half way, When the Captain couldn't set me free There was nothin else I could do, Jack has been taking good care of me In a forty ounce dose of gettin' over you.

1000 Miles From Nowhere 500 Miles One For The Road One One Bourbon, One Whisky, One Beer Six Days On The Road Sixteen Tons Dreams Are Ten A Penny Two Pot Screamer Eight Seconds... Dang it! That's a movie!

Why don't you just come to Australia like all the Kiwis do? Tsk!

Hi Vagda, You're welcome. It may be because English isn't your first language, but you tend to spell out very clearly what you are saying. "Thoughts wear heavy in my head" is one such line. There are a few things we do with our heads... eat, wear (hats etc), shake it about or think with it. I prefer to try to evoke an emotion or portray an action without spelling it out. However, it's your lyric. Cheers, Kel

Hi Vagda, A sad tale to be sure. A couple of points: 1. The last line of the second verse is very different to the other last lines of the verses. It has more syllables, AND has a two syllable word, where all the others only use one syllable. I'd try to come up with something to express the same emotion without so many words. eg Can't get you out of my head. 2. I don't think you need to spell out how the end came, if you leave it general, your audience can use their own experience, and that will create a greater engagement... Uncle Bob was hit by a bus, Aunt Mabel fell off a horse, Grandpa had a heart attack... whatever is personal for them is available if you don't spell out the car accident. Touching piece, as usual. Cheers, K

Hey Les, I also enjoyed the storytelling, and of course, the happy ending. Cheers, K One day

Hi Goldy, I like the simple wish to do something worthwhile... nice. The final line of the chorus twists my head a little... you change tense... all through the chorus you're speaking past tense, then back to present in that last line. If you try the word "died" all would be right. Nicely done. K

Hi Vagda, I hear a lot of songs about love lost and love found and just wanted to do something different. We all know anglers can tell a tale, well this one just developed as I went along. K