Kel

Hi Goldy, While lust and passion are explored quite vividly,I don't "feel" any love. I also feel a hint of obsession, and a little bit of vulnerability. It's like you started writing before you knew where your story would take you. I used to write like that. Write down one line, then another and live the story as it unfolds. However I'm learning more and more I need to know the whole story before I start writing any lyrics. You don't seem to have a title, or I've missed it. It is very important. The title gives you something to write the song about. What is the meaning of the song? It's reason for existing? What is the message you want me to understand? Until you know the answers to those questions yourself, you can't really convey them to me, the listener. I'll disect the lyrics... Your eyes flicker | This verse tells me the singer feels vulnerable, because he/she runs from their Hungry desire | lover. This could be reversed by the singer using "my eyes" and "eating you alive" Eating me alive | and saying, "You can't run away, there's nowhere to hide!" This would put the lover I run from you | into the vulnerable role instead of the singer. Depends what you want though. I cringe and hide | You pull me back | Pull the singer back from where? Does the lover find the singer hiding? Caress me gently | From here on it's fairly obvious what is going on without saying, but actions Blazing with heat | without feelings don't really convey either obsession or vulnerability IMO. Lust trickles down | Inflaming my sheets | Chorus: Touch me in the Dark | I like these first three lines, but... Wrap me in the night | Blind me with your light | I want you | These next two lines are very cliche. I think you really need to make your I need you | main feeling (obsession/vulnerability) known here. I can't let you go | Touch me in the dark | I give you my soul | V: You press your lips | As with the previous verse, more action without feeling. There is Steaming on mine | reaction, with the increased heart beat but is it from fear or excitement? My heart beats hard | Pounding on your chest | I think you lose some anonymity here. A guy wouldn't pound on a girl's Catching me off guard | chest. And how is pounding on his chest catching her off guard? Repeat Chorus: I can't say goodbye | At last a hint of the singer's obsession You hold me captive | or is it the singer's vulnerability? Give me such a high | Not sure of this line... Spread my broken wings | There is no hint of anything being broken earlier... these two lines Make me think I can fly | create a what the? moment! Too late to introduce anything broken. I know you wanted this to be your last re-write, but I think you create more questions than you answer. I think you need a clear idea whether the singer is obsessed or the subject of obsession, and whether or not the singer feels vulnerable. When you answer those questions for yourself, it should come easily. Cheers, Kel

Brand New Kind There's a brand new kind of tingle down my spine, When I walk past your office, next to mine. I watch you through the window alone Hear you laughing on the telephone, A brand new kind of tingle, runs down my spine. 　 There's a brand new kind of shaking in my knees. When you're in the elevator, close to me. You don't see what I'm going through, Longing to reach out and touch you A brand new kind of shaking, weakens my knees. Will you ever notice me, Always close, but you don't see, Is there something I can do I only want to be, with you.... There's a brand new kind of aching in my soul, And you should know it's my heart, that you stole. You'll be happy to be with me If you would only stop and see A brand new kind of aching, deep in my soul. A brand new kind of tingle... A brand new kind of shaking... A brand new kind of aching, deep in my soul. Cheers Kel Cheers Sandy, great lines! Thanks, K

Hi Goldy, Only line I don't get is Blind me from the light.... ? Shield perhaps?

Thanks Goldy, some nice touches there... Kel Brand New Kind There's a brand new tingle running down my spine, When I walk past your office, next to mine. I watch you through the picture window Hear you on the telephone laughing, A brand new kind of tingle, runs down my spine. 　 There's a brand new kind of shaking in my knees. When you're in the elevator, close to me. You don't see what I'm going through, Longing to reach out and touch you A brand new kind of shaking, weakens my knees. Will you ever notice me, Always close, but you don't see, Is there something I can do I only want to be, with you.... There's a brand new kind of aching in my soul, And you should know it's my heart, that you stole. You'll be happy to be with me If you would only stop and see A brand new kind of aching, deep in my soul. A brand new kind of tingle... A brand new kind of shaking... A brand new kind of aching, deep in my soul. Cheers, Kel

Hi Rudi, I'm guessing you are taking Option B - Love and vulnerability, as the subject of the singer's attention is certainly on the receiving end of some unhealthy behaviour. The isolationist warnings in Verse 2 tip the scales in that direction for me. I also see obsession in there too, so I think you have brought an element of both obsession on behalf of the singer and vulnerability for the singee. What I don't see there is much of however, is love. I have no idea what verse three is about. Is "blades" correct, or sould it be "blade's" or "blades' " I can't make out. If the chorus had more about the singer's devotion, adulation, fervour for the singee rather than respect and attention I think you'll be closer to meeting the love+obsession or the love+vulnerability of the challenge. What you have done well though is keep it anonymous; either a male or female artist could jump on board with no lyrical changes needed, and there is no identification of the you or me in the lyric, so well done in that regard. Cheers, Kel

Yet another rewrite - still hum Every Time You Walk In To The Room... Brand New Kind There's a brand new tingle running down my spine When I walk past your office, next to mine. I watch you through the window darling, Hear you on the telephone laughing, A brand new kind of wanting, is in my heart. 　 There's a brand new kind of weakness in my knees. When you're in the elevator, close to me. You can't see what I am up to, I'm longing to reach out and touch you A brand new kind of needing, is in my heart. Will you ever notice me, Always close, but you don't see, Is there something I can do I only want to be, with you.... There's a brand new flutter to my heart, And if you let me we won't be apart. You'll be happy to be with me And you'll wonder why you couldn't see A brand new kind of fever, is in my heart. My heart. My heart. Cheers, Kel

Thanks Donna, I have another rewrite in the wind... I'll take your thoughts with me to the drawing board. Cheers, Kel

Hi James, Thanks for your thorough analysis and thoughts. I agree with most things, and had a slight rewrite in mind before reading... I'll take your comments on board. It's nice to have a fresh view, and there is no real protocol, just jump in and prepare to smile. Cheers, Kel

Cheers John, I've used a "brand new kind" of physical manifestation and probably upped the obsession but increased the adoration angle at the same time, I hope. Funnily enough I thought about writing to the tune of Every Breath You Take but couldn't remember the tune all the way through, never being a Police fan. I have to study Sting though, I realise that! Here goes take 2 Try reading this one, while humming "Every Time You Walk Into The Room"... Brand New Kind There's a brand new kind of tingle down my spine When I walk past your new house, every time. Didn't know we lived so close and Never guessed we prob'ly both know Every one you meet, there on your street. There's a brand new kind of weakness in my knees. When I pass by your office, and I see, I see you through the window smiling, Hear you in the staff room laughing, Lighting up the day, in your own way. Will you ever notice me, I'm the one that you should be with, A brand new kind of someone, it should be me. There's a brand new kind of flutter to my heart, And one day soon we'll never, be apart. You'll be happy that I'm with you There could be no other for you I will hold you tight, all through the night. I will treat you right, till dawn's new light. I will hold you tight, all through the night.

Hey Sandy, I love this. I feel it would make a top notch rock song, I can feel the energy as I read. Sadly, I don't think it meets the challenge requirements: To make this easier we will be going with the easiest of topics. Love. You must write a song that: Doesn't reveal the target Doesn't reveal who you are Doesn't mention the word love Choice A: One level that can be interpreted as expressing love and One level that can be interpreted as being obsessed with someone Choice B: One level that can be interpreted as expressing love and One level that can be interpreted as expressing concern for someone who is vulnerable I can see the obsession, but not the love. I don't think Rage works as a metaphor for Love, if that is what you are intending. Love is a river. Love is a mountain. These are metaphors but replacing love with rage isn't how metaphor works, I'm pretty sure. (Where is my 5th grade English teacher when I need her?) Keep this one though, it's a beaut! Cheers, Kel

Try reading this one, while humming "Every Time You Walk Into The Room"... Brand New Kind There's a brand new kind of tingle down my spine When I walk past your new house, every time. Didn't know we lived so close and Never guessed we prob'ly both know Every one you meet, there on your street. There's a brand new kind of weakness in my knees. When I pass by your office, and I see, I see you through the window smiling, Hear you in the staff room laughing, Lighting up the day, in your own way. Will you ever notice me, I'm the one that you should be with, A brand new kind of someone, it should be me. There's a brand new kind of flutter to my heart, And one day soon we'll never, be apart. You'll be happy that I'm with you There could be no other for you I will hold you tight, all through the night. I will treat you right, till dawn's new light. I will hold you tight, all through the night. Cheers, Kel

I liked it too, well done! Kel

Hi Les, I appreciate your thoughts, and maybe the chorus is ambiguous. I meant for her to be screaming right into the camera so whoever saw it would get her message. I'll see what I can do to have her tell Assad AND the FFs to leave her men alone! Thanks, Kel

Gee John, Why so quiet on this subject? I thought you'd be screaming from the clifftops.... Kel (tongue planted firmly in cheek!)

Hi Goldy, It hangs together well... you are not a dum kuff!!! One more little teeny weeeeeny thing... Verse Verse Pre-chorus Chorus Verse Pre-chorus Chorus Bridge Outro And you're done! Now make yourself a nice cup of tea and watch Horrible Histories or Turtle Man to have a laugh! Cheers, Kel

Hi Sandy, No. As John said, It doesn't matter if 4 lines in a verse all have the same syllable count or not, but relative lines in subsequent verses should... Here is an example of how the relative lines of verses subsequent to Verse 1 have the same number of syllables. Verse Line Count 1 1 11 2 9 3 10 4 12 5 8 6 9 2 1 11 2 9 3 10 4 12 5 8 6 9 3 1 11 2 9 3 10 4 12 5 8 6 9 It is a general guideline, and a difference of 1 is easily accomodated. More than that complicates things. Cheers, Kel

Hi Sandy, Verse Oil barons and bankers shake hands on Syria's fate Plotting against the revolutionists with high stakes Assad's gold bribe is piled on the table for the win Laughter breaks out when war is ordered to begin I think this is a good explanation of your views regarding the game Assad is playing. My only nit here is in your second line... View 1 - Syllable counts V1 Plotting against the revolutionists with high stakes 13 V2 Shooting rebels standing for freedom's platform 11 V3 Streams of fear pour down my son's gritty cheeks 10 You can see your first verse has 2 more syllables than the second verse. I wouldn't compare so much with the third as that is a totally different feel anyway, but here for the comparison. View 2 - Where the syllables are... 1- 2 3-4 5 6-7- 8-9- 10 11 12 13 V1 Plotting against the revolutionists with high stakes 13 1- 2 3-4 5- 6 7 8- 9 10-11 V2 Shooting rebels standing for freedom's platform 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8-9 10 V3 Streams of fear pour down my son's gritty cheeks 10 Clear as mud? Check the numbers without the words... hiphens indicate syllables within a word... V1 1-2 3-4 5 6-7-8-9-10 11 12 13 V2 1- 2 3-4 5-6 7 8-9 10-11 V3 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8-9 10 It will be difficult coming up with a melody from such disparate rhythms as your lines have. We can get into the examination of stressed sylables to further complicate things, but it is just so much easier to only use 1 and two syllable words. As soon as a 5 syllable word (revolutionists) is used, it gets messy real quick. Verse Tanks with soldiers roll in like a dessert storm Shooting rebels standing for freedom's platform Bullets rip through the air with a rat-tat-tat- sound Blood pours from wounds of bodies on the ground This is quite a graphic verse, with loads of action and dramatic things happening. What it doesn't do, is present who the rebels are or what they are rebelling against. In Verse 1 you have Assad bribing the oil barons and bankers for backing, but there is no mention of why the rebels are rebelling? Are they justified? Do they have an agenda just as bad? We don't know because you haven't told us. They say they want elections They say they want the freedom of speech They say they fight a tyrant And they've taken the fight to the streets... An example of who the rebels are, and why they are rebelling. To be honest, I don't watch news, I don't know the arguments for either side... this may be applicable or it may be a smokescreen... They say they want elections They say they want the tyrant to yield They say they fight for all the people But they really want the power he wields... If you really want the graphic pictures of tanks and funs and blood in the street, maybe that could be the third verse, and the woman with her sun a bridge... that would work well. Hope this helps some more. Kel

Hi Sandy, I like your new chorus, I think it works well. I'm still thinking the chess references seem forced, and somewhat out of kilter. ie: The oil barons and bankers shake hands on Syria's fate Plotting the next power move for the country's stalemate Assad's Queen's pushed forward to try to trap their King Laughter roars in the air when they order war to begin What this verse is actually saying is that Assad is trying to put himself into a position of power over the Oil Barons and Bankers, and laughter fills the air when the Oil Barons and Bankers decide to declar war on Assad. I'm pretty sure that is not what you mean though. The meaning above is conveyed because you haven't introduced the other side of the conflict, the "People" or the "Revolution" whatever you wish to call it. I think you will convey the point I think you want to make better if V1 Introduce the oil barons and international banks as supporters for Assad They make their deals: concessions, tax breaks etc in exchange for funding Assad's use of the military V2 Introduce the other side... how do you see the "revolutionaries"? Are they 'freedom fighters" standing up for the rights of the people, or are they terrorists looking to topple the righteous government for their own political/power/monetary agenda? However you see it, explain it and what they stand for V3 As you have done, the victim in the street... doesn't really care who shoots the bullet, they'll end up just as dead from either side. Chorus - the timeless futility of it all... as you have done. Once you know who your antagonists are, you can see if a chess game is a viable way of describing their conflict...personally, I don't because a chess game is between two opponents, and here you really have three interested parties - Assad, The Revolutionaries and the Victims... but that's my view of it. Hope this helps further. Cheers, Kel

Hi Les, I was able to sing along to this easily, as it has a nice consistent meter and rhythm to it. Well done. It's not a nit, or by any means a fault, but I offer I thought, and that is to somehow end the first lines of each of your stanzas to a rhyme with "pain" giving an ABBA rhyme scheme for all the verses. As I said, not an important thing, but worth thinking about.. eg: It's desperate times on the Syrian plains. People on the move in mass migration, Dying in the crossfire of indignation; Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain. Hear the screams as they run once again. Over broken glass on shoeless feet, One wrong move and a bullet they’ll meet; Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain. Both sides throw the other the blame. For dark atrocities on their brothers, Not just men the children and mothers; Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain. Listen to their crying for their Gods in vain. Rivers run red throughout the nation, Trapped in a spiral of self damnation; Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain. Have I told you recently how much I think your writing has improved? Cheers, Kel

please do :-)

Hi Goldy, I'd only have the third verse in the first person... it would, in my opinion, create a very powerful feeling, to have the first two verses talking about the players, and the third verse from the point of view of the victims, rather than about the victims. Just my thoughts... You are most welcome, by the way. Kel

Shaye, No need for you to be feeling like you are sticking your head out here on this site. I see you felt you had been blasted for thinking you needed notation software. I didn't see any blasts, and I just re-read it. I'm sorry if you feel like you were blasted, but I'd call it enthusiastic encouragement to take a different path. However, I use notation software, for one thing, it plays like it's written, not as badly as I play LOL! Not everyone here is an expert, nor a professional, however we are all on the same journey, albeit at different points along the path. No need to stick your neck out, just jump on in, it's the best way to learn to swim, after all. Kel

I won't use the quote function, that would just add to the size of the post needlessly. I understand your plight, John. As you may well be aware of, I am undertaking a course I have paid for, and while most of the content so far I have seen before, it's not so much the content that has the value it's the context. I'm no expert, but I offer this as some advice for free: It's not so much what you say, but it's how you explain it and provide the practical guidance in applying it, that people will pay for in my opinion. I know I haven't yet read "everything" there is to know, but as I said everything we are covering in the course I have seen elsewhere, however it's the practical application of it that has the value, for me and the other students taking the course with me. And yes, the templates, the guides, the how tos--- DO NOT GIVE THESE AWAY!!!! Feel free to test them on us, if not me though! (LOL) Cheers, Kel

I find that to do what I would consider a "full" critique would likely take as long or longer than it took to write the lyric in the first place. I think it's a balancing act. Some lyrics I can't get into at all, I just have no emotional involvement in what is being said. I don't know if that is because it is poorly written, or simply so outside my own experience/interest. With lyrics like these I tend to offer my thoughts on my understanding of the technical aspects of the lyric rather than the emotional. For example, I critiqued a song about canibalism said to be performed by some sort of new wave thrash metal band. I couldn't get into either the genre of music or the subject, so I looked at form, structure, the use of simile and metaphor and explained my understanding of what the messages/images were. I have similar difficulties with gospel lyrics (no I don't see gospel as canabilistic) for example. I've received a few "paid" critiques in my time, and only received one I was happy with, ie it gave me things to work on, what worked and what didn't... I thought I was pretty good at critiquing, but now I realise I still have a heap to learn. Thanks everyone for that insight! I don't know if you are looking at something like this John, but a standard critique template would be a good tool. I might work on one myself, or perhaps a few of us could combine on this side project?... is this what you are hoping for you sly Scotsman, you?!? All food for thought. Cheers, Kel

Hi Shaye, I wouldn't go spending any big money just yet. There is a FREE program you can download called AUDACITY. This program will allow you to record a multitude of tracks. ie MAIN VOCALS, HARMONY VOCALS, MUSIC etc It will take a little playing with and it is not as good as what you pay for, but you can learn about what you are doing.You can manipulate each track separately too so you can put a little reverb on your vocals if you wish, but not on your backing track... that sort of thing. You can get by with a $25 dollar microphone for a while, just make sure it either has a 3.5mm plug for your computer input or you have a converter. If you buy from a computer store, it will be what you need. You can download a FREE program called CHORDPULSELITE which you can use to program a backing track in up to 16 styles.(Pop, blues, country, rock etc) If you like it you can download the full CHORDPULSE program at a fee for less than $100 which has a lot more styles. It is fairly easy to learn how to use. Even I can do it! You won't need to learn the piano, guitar, saxophone or ukelele unless you wish to. CHORDPULSELITE will give you a basic backing track which will serve your purpose, I think. If you want a full recording studio down the track, these basic starter programs will not cut it, but I think you are after something basic, and these are the tools I use. Cheers, Kel