Lisa Gates

Hey Vagda! Family can be soooo destructive! My husband thinks it is a waste of time for me to write lyrics but lyrics keep coming in my head so I keep writing them down. LOL I think if you read your blog here you've said something that should clarify for you where your parents stand. There comes a time when we have to break the cycle the parents create for us and see who we really are. You said "They never understood my love for music." They probably never will. You have passion and talent for music that you should feed and let it grow! I think you've been here on SS for more than a few months...you don't seem tired of it! It is ok to take a break. Don't force it. Soon, a hook will pop into your head and you'll be running to your computer to catch it all! I have only been able to write about my brother who is dying of cancer. Nothing else will come out so I am just letting it. Thats why I'm not doing the weekly challenge right now. It just doesn't fit where I'm at. I do miss the camaraderie though...miss you! Hope to "see" you in the New Year! Lisa

Thanks! What a great gadget to have...

Yea! We all did it! Awesome John for my name: Lisa M. Guzda Tanx

Outstanding, just about perfect. I think this challenge is done. Rudi has said it all...

AWESOME Tag! I'm laughing so hard! Yes, artwork enhances everything. The weekend is here and I can work on LYRICS! Amen!

Goldy, Kel just says that the song will be used in an upcoming tour. I think your song is imaginative and full of great descriptions. I felt like any man would ealsily be able to pull off your song. Most excellent! Lisa

This is my work in progress. Not sure I like the short verses with a long chorus but I have a tune in my head... This is a story based on my friends Motorcycle Annual Trip from the UK (Salisbury is called "The City in the Country") to the Mediterranean Sea (aslo called the Great Sea) I enjoy his journey every year on Facebook! LOL The City in the Country or Where the Sun Sets- Lisa M. Guzda 10/2013 The city in the country Is where I’m coming from Salisbury, Wilshire UK I always call my home The wheels they are aturnning Today I’ll take a ride I’m heading for the mountains Right through the countryside They say the sun sets over Europe I believe this to be true I’ve seen the sun set over the UK Far away from you When the sun sets over Europe It’s for sure I can’t stay I know the sun sets over Europe I’ve seen the sun set in the Uk Time for a mini break Takin a pleasure cruise Start from the Bay of Biscay ride to the Cap de Crues They say the sun sets over Europe I believe this to be true I’ve seen the sun set over Spain Far away from you When the sun sets over Europe I’ll be far from feeling pain I know the sun sets over Europe I’ve seen the sun set in Spain I ferry to Santander Scoot through the Pyrenees Feel the air upon my face Ending up at the Great Sea They say the sun sets over Europe I believe this to be true I’ve seen the sun set over France Far away from you When the sun sets over Europe I’ll be sure to take my chance I know the sun sets over Europe I’ve seen the sun set in France Bridge will be about the motorcycle he rides...and bring in a description of the "you" in the chorus too. must get working on this.

John are week 14 and 16 due tomorrow? I can't wait to hear everybody's songs and to share ours!!!! 7 pages!!!

Well....I have a melody for it so it must be done! I'm thinking this is the final draft. Thank you ladies for all your tremendous effort! Lisa The Famous One I might be called a Diva Even if it’s not true I act out I need to show I’m famous and I’m new A mansion filled with gold things A yacht I named “Ahoy!” (Ahoy!) A garage filled with sports cars I love my shiny toys Pre-chorus If you want my autograph, you will have to pay Chorus Hey, I’m an acting prodigy I’m better than I ever dreamed I have no modesty Paparazzi are following me For I’m the famous one The famous one I hang with the stars all day I’m out of this world Watch me on my TV show I’ll give you all I’m worth Pre-chorus If you want my autograph, you will have to pay Chorus Hey, I’m an acting prodigy I’m better than I ever dreamed I have no modesty Paparazzi are following me For I’m the famous one The famous one Bridge It’s all in my mind that I am famous as can be Pretending to make millions when I don’t have change to eat Chorus Hey, I’m an acting prodigy I’m better than I ever dreamed I have no modesty Paparazzi are following me For I’m the famous one The famous one The famous one indeed!

Cheryl, Do you have a melody for this? It's almost ready for one if you don't. I have a few thoughts you can accept or ignore. I was humming a tune in verse 1 almost immidiately. Very rythmic. Very visual. One nit in V1: L3 if you take the word "a" out it still works and matches the syllable count in the other verses. V2 is very different in that it seems like random thoughts. They don't quite mesh. As I was trying to sing it I noticed it was very wordy even though the syllable count was matching closely to V1 Don't laugh but while singing the chorus, I had heavy drum beats in my head. A total different momentum. It is very sexy in my opinion. As for your bridge, I suggest one change to start and see where it leads you: L2: Love wasn't supposed to happen or even: We didn't mean to fall in love "this" seems weak to me. If you weren't talking about love than define the "this" is all I mean. As I said before these are just my thoughts from reading your lovely song. Welcome to the challenges! Lisa

Cheryl, great observation about the last two lines in the chorus. I can get carried away with the words I want to use in my rhyme scheme so trying to make them make sense sometimes takes the back seat. I'll definitely look at it again. Maybe you've just helped finish the song! Awesome!

me too! nice work Kel!

Hi WAW, welcome to the group. I'm off to work but what is 50/90 challenge? Lisa

It's closer but it will have to be a heck of a drawl...I can do a good southern twang

Second draft. comments and thoughts appreciated Changes are in red. The Famous One I might be called a DIVA Even if it’s not true I act out I need to show I’m famous and I’m new A mansion filled with gold things A yacht I named “Ahoy!” A garage filled with sports cars All of these are my toys Pre-chorus If you want my autograph, you’ll have to pay a fee Nothing of great worth, ever comes for free Chorus Hey, I’m an acting prodigy I’m better than I ever dreamed I have no modesty Fame is all around For I’m the famous one The famous one I hang with the stars all day I’m out of this world Watch me on my TV show That proves I have some worth Pre-chorus If you want my autograph, you’ll have to pay a fee Nothing of great worth, ever comes for free Chorus Bridge In my mind’s reality I am famous as can be I pre tend to make millions So I’m a star to everyone Chorus Hey, I’m an acting prodigy I’m better than I ever dreamed I have no modesty Fame is all around For I’m the famous one The famous one The famous one indeed!

Hi Goldy, my comments are in green. I'll post my second draft below. Thank you for your critique. Goldy, not sure about this song being great. It really has no where to go but I've done some work based on your's and Donna's thoughts and would love your thoughts on the second draft below.Thank you!

Donna, my comments are in green. I will post the second draft after I reply to Goldy. First of all, this has a nice, catchy flow to it, Lisa. I can hear it easily as tongue-in-cheek, upbeat pop. The title captures my interest as well. Makes me wonder 'what about the famous one'. lguzda, on 06 Oct 2013 - 7:37 PM, said: Thank you, I always try to be upbeat. It's important that the first line in V1 grab the listener. Perhaps re-think this line. Maybe a stronger, fresher image will come to mind. I kind of liked the delusion of my first line, and Goldy thought it was strong too but I have made a change and want to know what you think of: I might be called a Diva The short lines are easy to remember, and each line contains a single thought. The reader/listener isn't forced to try to work out the sense. Some good simple rhyme schemes as well. The juxtapositon of prodigy/modesty is effective. I love me some good rhymes! The theme is topical, as plenty of real-life celebrities do seem to be deluded. (-: You've also progressed nicely in the verses from telling us what the singer is like (V1), the things she likes (V2), and then moving her - at least in her mind - into another space and time frame (V3). I really appreciate this comment . I have recently learned that co-writing makes it hard for me to keep each verse clean and to make each verse make the story grow when another writer has an opinion of where the song is going to... The pre-chorus pretty much sums up the singer's philosophy/attitude. I feel the bridge is longer than necessary. It also - for me - has the affect of disrupting the momentum that's been building up in the verses/pre-chorus/chorus. Rather than move the story forward, it seems more an anti-climax. I didn't want it to be anti-climatic just explain the reality so I guess reality can be boring or a let down. I re-did it. what do you think? I'd suggest a shorter, tighter bridge. In order to move the story forward - and to elicit sympathy for the singer (who isn't sympathetic in the other sections) - maybe you could have the singer suddenly having a moment of insight, and wondering whether there's more to life than her current lifestyle. This is simply an example of a way it could go. This change in tone would introduce a new kind of dynamic, and render the last chorus more poignant as the singer carries on telling herself how wonderful she is, while all the time we know the truth. It also links back to line 2, V1 - 'even if it's not true'. Just food for thought. A shorter bridge - e.g. 3 lines - could shake up the lyric's rhyme scheme nicely, and would add to the sense of unstability, the uncertainty the singer might be feeling in those wee small hours of the morning when we're at our most vulnerable. The bridge definitly needed to be unstable! thanks. All in all, you've got off to a good start. I've made a few comments/suggestions below. I hope they're helpful. Keep or sweep. Donna The Famous One lguzda, on 06 Oct 2013 - 7:37 PM, said: Rough example of matching metering: Sporty cars and jumbo jets Are all among my toys lguzda, on 06 Oct 2013 - 7:37 PM, said: You have always given such thorough critiques. Thank you for your past, present, and hopefully future help, Lisa

Kel, Quick question in the new V3: Why is the rhyme scheme different from V1 and V2? It seems like a mouthful is it to set up the bridge? I know a melody might support a bulid up but V3 doesn't go right into the bridge... V3's message still has to wait through a pre-chorus and chorus to get to the bridge. so are you really using it to set up the bridge? I do like the metaphor and oxymorons you used very much. They really describe the delusion of this man/person. Oh but I do love the bridge! I can hear the effect used in Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" when the sports caster is giving blow by blow plays of which base he is on! Awesome!!

I totaly agree with Rudi on this. Well said.

I love the new chorus! really ends strong and on your hook. You said that sometimes you don't have a melody in your head when you write which is fine but when it's time to add music to your lyrics it can be a bit challenging if each verse has a different amount of syllables per line. In this song you have: I was just a foolish kid (7) Lost until I saw and found you ( All the sacrifices I did ( To makes this work, make it through I kept believing the same excuses I knew that you would change Even after all the bruises Verse: Soon we got in a fight (6) - this may still work as it is close to V1 7 syllables The truth caught up with you (6) V1 line 2 has 8 syllables... Yes I knew you lied (5) V1 line 3 has 8 syllables Nothing was ever true So you began to beg and plead For another chance to prove Our love could succeed Can you see that the inconsistent syllable count will be hard to set a melody to? If you have a flowing and/or changing melody like Adele sometimes does, you of course can make it work. I think this newest version is more open and makes more sense to anybody who might read them. You're really touching a nerve that many people can identify with. I think you are going beyond the assignment and making this an incredible song. Really great work here! Lisa

My dear critiquing friends, I thank you for all your wonderful ideas and thoughts. I will respond but in bits in pieces. I am overwhelmed with a family problem and a situation on my day job. I have nothing left at the end of the day. Please bear with me as I push through this thing called life. Thanks, Lisa

Vagda, Good show! I totally get your delusion. Us girls just get it! (no that is not proper English...I guess it's slang.) I was assigned to your lyrics so you get three for the price of two! I've read and re-read your lyrics and I know English is not your first language (and Rudi noticed some type-o's) so just some helpful ideas: In V1 Line 6 it should be You and I - the trick is to take the "you" out of the sentance and ask either: "me" could conquer it all? or "I" could conquer it all? - this is the correct one Also in V1 you are writing in the past tense so Line 7 should be in the past tense too I remember it all so well The first touch, the first kiss I was under your spell So young and so naive It didn't matter what others thought You and me I could conquer it all All that matters was our love All that mattered was our love In V2 I'd think the cliche: Beg and Shout would be better as beg and plead It makes more sense that he would plead for another chance (not shout) you could change the rhyming line to something like: So you began to beg and plead for another chance to prove that you'd never leave Chorus: I'd love to see the title of your song as a repeated hook line. Make it really stand out. The chorus is in a different tense. Did you mean to bring it into the present? If not it would work well in the past tense and in the first person (cause it's still you telling the story right?) Love made me blind Playing games with my mind sacrificing it all for someone to be there when I fall I'm not able to count the syllables per line for each verse right now (small lap top screen!) but in V3 I wonder if in line 6 it would be more clear to say: I knew that you woould never change oh and your last line on the bridge has good closure but I would add (if it were my song): I'm throwing away the key This would make it so personal and strong! I know you said you didn't have a lot of time. I wish I had more myself! So I hope these quick notes can be of some help. You have such an honest style of song writing, I always feel like I'm peaking into your life because your lyrics are so vivid. Never loose that! It makes your writing so distinctive. All the best, Lisa PS: I keep a pen and pad by my bed...sometimes I wake up and look at what I wrote and say: was that me? I don't remember that! But I just go with it... I write best when I'm too tired to think (Now that should be a song title! LOL just for us writers I guess!)

Kel, You’ve not convinced me of the delusion in your song. You hint at it but leave room for questions and I leaned toward the girlfriend in the song being real. Examples of why I’m leaning toward her being real: V2 & V3 are solid explanations of her existence. V2: You are introducing her to the audience = real V3: You speak to her and your friends don’t THINK she’s real = real (IMO means your friends just might not have met her yet) Pre-Chorus: I googled this…. http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/too+good+to+be+true “What they say when something is too good to be real” What they say is: It Probably, usually, typically isn’t true (BUT it still could be…) ;-) Chorus: The words “might be” = not delusional because it also might be real The saying “I pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming” = If I’m not dreaming then it’s real? Solutions/suggestions: Changes in the chorus to make the delusion theme more prevalent: I am living in a fantasy… It is too good to be true… It is a dream Or make the bridge the definition of the delusion: We’ll show them It’ll be alright We could be dancing in my dreams In the morning the truth be told you’re just my (a) fantasy Ok ok! You get my point. You have indirectly hinted at a delusion but not made it crystal clear to me. Structure notes: Title: The title is snuck in the middle of the chorus and seems lost to me. Your repeating line and the one you end on is “... too good to be true” I would think about that as the title. Verses: I notice that V3 only has 5 lines. To match V1 and V2 structurally you need 6 lines so V3 3rd line should have 8 syllables. It almost looks like it’s just missing? Rhymes: There are no stinking rhymes! But it still works great. That is one of your talents in this biz of songwriting is that the lines don’t have to rhyme to make the song work – kudos to you! Kel, you know me well. When a melody comes to my head the song is close to being finished. As I first read these lyrics the toe tapping beat led me to the melody from the Zac Brown Band “Whatever It Is” So regardless of the delusion not being clear to me, this is an almost finished song. I think that the plot just needs tweeking to fit the challenge of self-delusion. I hope this has been helpful to you. As always this is just a critique from me and you can do with it what you’d like. So do you know anyone who knows Zac Brown you can pitch this to?

Jan, Because Kel gives great critiques is the reason I am not posting quickly. I want to give a complete well thought out critique. I have looked at his posted lyrics and am combining my notes. I wish I had a time I could sit and just do music. but alas...i have the day job and long drive home...dang it eats up time! I have gotten my two reviews already and they are both extremly detailed and so wonderfully helpful. Oops! I still have to respond to them too! I'm on it! I'm going as fast as I can but still want to do the best. Jan, be patient. We are all going to help each other out here. One way or another. I love it here on SS!