Vagdavercustis

Made some changes with the critiques of Donna & Kell. Hope it's okay now Don't ask for forever Verse: I've spent a lifetime looking at you Deep inside the corners of my mind Embracing illusions I wish were true Emotions I can't leave behind Verse: You can break me into little pieces Setting free my pain and fears For you I've made a thousand wishes Still I've been waiting here for years Chorus: I don't ask for forever It wouldn't last long enough for me If I can only have today I would spend it all with you In your loving arm I'd lay And wish forever you would stay Verse: Send you letters from my heart Unspoken words I can't dismiss You are my biggest part, I fall apart I only need one simple kiss Chorus: I don't ask for forever It wouldn't last long enough for me If I can only have today I would spend it all with you In your loving arm I'd lay And wish forever you would stay

Thanks for the verry positive comment!! Maybe I should try to put it to music by someone

Thanks for the verry nice comment It's actually about someone who's in love but is to scared to say it. And she has that feeling for so many years.

I've made a few changes to my lyric with the critiques of James and Goldy in mind. Don't ask for forever Verse: I've spent a lifetime looking at you Deep inside the corners of my mind Embracing illusions I wish were true Emotions I can't leave behind Verse: You can break me into little pieces Setting free my pain and fears For you I've made a thousand whishes Still I've been waiting here for years Chorus: I don't ask for forever It's never lasting long enough for me If I can only get today I would spend it with you Lying here next to me Whising I could ask for forever Verse: Send you empty letters from my heart Unspoken words I can't dismiss You are the biggest part, I fall apart I only need one simple kiss Chorus: I don't ask for forever It's never lasting long enough for me If I can only get today I would spend it with you Lying here next to me Whising I could ask for forever

Good job girl!! I like it from the beginning to the ending When I read it I think about a girl who's fallen for a bad guy. She knows he's bad but she just can't control herself around him. Love the idea and the lyric! Maybe others can find something that can be better. But for me it's great as it is

So it's about a school teacher.. I first thought it was about your love for the busdriver I think you should leave out the butterflies in your chorus. Like a child on Christmas morn is good enough and not as cliche as butterflies I'm just not sure about you're first verse. Maybe rewrite it totally. I've never been to school by bus but with my bike. So I guess that's why I couldn't make the link to a teacher. If I was in love with a teacher I would dream about getting detention and he would supervise I like you're last 2 verses. It describes the love you feel for her and the kind of obsession for her at that time. You have been given some good advice by the others. So a lot to think over and I'm curious about you're rewrite

I like you're outro But that's just me. I don't have much to say about it... I really like it as it is! I can allmost hear the chorus sung with the background singers Really great!! Maybe for the outro: Girl, you're done if you don't go Don't let me say, I told you so Anyway good job! I'm a fan of it

Finally found some time to read everything trough so I'll try to give some usefull critique You have a poetic style of writing. It reads smoothly and I feel the lust and the wanting. So that's a good thing! I just don't understand everything in there so it leaves me a little confused at the end. Maybe that's just me. English is not my motherlanguage so I don't understand every word of what anybody is saying here Maybe if you can explain the things I don't understand that I get a better look on it

I'm really out of inspiration the last few weeks. But I've tried it Don't ask for forever Verse: I've spent a lifetime looking at you Deep inside the corners of my mind Embracing illusions that I wish to be true Emotions I can't leave behind Verse: You can break me into little pieces Puzzle it until one fits to yours The burning heat inside increases I've been stuck here for years Chorus: I don't ask for forever It never lasts long enough for me If I can only get today I would spend it with you Lying here next to me Verse: Send you empty letters from my heart Words are dispensable when it comes to this You are the biggest part, I fall apart I only need one simple kiss Chorus: I don't ask for forever It never lasts long enough for me If I can only get today I would spend it with you Lying here next to me

It's nice to hear we've all passed Thumbs up for everyone! For my name: Jessy Snels would do

Has everyone passed the challenge than?

Is that good enough or not?

At first I didn't knew what to expect from this challenge. I was really stressed about it, cause I suck in giving critiques. I've learned many things in the few months I'm writing now but some others are so much better in giving critiques. I guess that's why I've been stressing about it. Thinking it wouldn't be good enough. But I did my best to crituque the lyrics of Rudi and Goldi. They didn't say I suck, so that's a good thing for me I've learned that even without all the technical knowledge I'm still able to give good critiques (imo). Everyone has his own vision on things and how they are supposed to be. Opening up to other visions and see things in an other light can really bring up something great. It's allmost like teamwork for me Jan, Lisa & Goldy brought up aspects that I hadn't thought about. So they were helping me improving my lyric and set me to think about it. Without their help I couldn't have wrote what I have now. So I've learned giving critques is not about 'oh that's good' or 'I really hate that'. It's about supporting each other to bring the best out of yourself.

Original version Playing games Verse: I remember it all so well The first touch, the first kiss I was under your spell So young and so naive It didn't matter what others thought You and me could conquer it all All that matters was our love Verse: Soon we got in a fight The truth caught up with you Yes I knew you lied Nothing was ever true So you began to beg and shout For another chance to prove Our love could work this out Pre-chorus: Keep pretending Keep the puppets dancing Chorus: Love makes us blind Playing games with our minds Sacrificing it all For someone to be there when you fall Verse: I was just a foolish kid Lost until I saw and found you All the sacrafices I did To makes this work, make it trough I kept believing the same excuses I knew that you would change Even after all the bruises Pre-chorus: Keep pretending Keep the puppets dancing Chorus: Love makes us blind Playing games with our minds Sacrificing it all For someone to be there when you fall Bridge: One chance after another You swore it would be the last Always caught you with another Another girl from your past I needed to stop myself believing In the illusions you made for me I pushed myself to leaving Throwing away the key Final version Playing Games Verse: I was just a foolish kid Lost until I saw and found you All the sacrifices I did To make this work, make it through I kept believing the same excuses I knew that you would change Even after all the bruises Verse: Soon we got in a fight The truth had caught up with you Yes I knew you lied Nothing of what you ever said was true You began to beg and plead For another chance to prove Our love could succeed Pre-chorus: Keep pretending Keep the puppets dancing Chorus: Your love left me blind Playing games with my mind Leading me through a maze of deceit Seducing me, knocking me off my feet Sacrificing it all For you to be here when I fall You keep playing games Holding me down in chains Stil you keep playing games Bridge: Your favourite game Playing with my head I was always the one to blame The one who was better off dead Verse: One chance after another You swore it would be the last Always caught you with another Another girl from your past I needed to stop myself believing In the illusions you made for me Pushed myself to leaving I'm throwing away the key Pre-chorus: Keep pretending Keep the puppets dancing Chorus: Your love left me blind Playing games with my mind Leading me through a maze of deceit Seducing me, knocking me off my feet Sacrificing it all For you to be here when I fall You keep playing games Holding me down in chains Stil you keep playing games

You don't have to apologize! Some things are just more important I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. I've corrected my mistake in the lyric. Thanks for your critiques and comments!

You will do just great!! It's still confusing for me to the syllables but you learn from trying. I'm sure your lyric will turn out to be something great!!

Thanks Lisa for the critique. The syllables is still a confusing thing for me... I'll try to do my best to fix that part and change it. It would be easier if I had a melody in my head I wouldn't have come so far without the help of you, Goldy and Jan!! I'm going to wait for a response of Jan and than I'll rewrite it again. Hopefully the last time! Thank for the time you put in this. I apreciate all of your help!

I've put the new chorus in it with thanks to Goldy Playing Games Verse: I was just a foolish kid Lost until I saw and found you All the sacrifices I did To makes this work, make it through I kept believing the same excuses I knew that you would change Even after all the bruises Verse: Soon we got in a fight The truth caught up with you Yes I knew you lied Nothing was ever true So you began to beg and plead For another chance to prove Our love could succeed Pre-chorus: Keep pretending Keep the puppets dancing Chorus: Your love left me blind Playing games with my mind Leading me through a maze of deceit Seducing me, knocking me off my feet Sacrificing it all For you to be here when I fall You keep playing games Holding me down in chains Stil you keep playing games Bridge: Your favourite game Playing with my head I was always the one to blame The one who was better off dead Verse: One chance after another You swore it would be the last Always caught you with another Another girl from your past I needed to stop myself believing In the illusions you made for me Pushed myself to leaving I'm throwing away the key Pre-chorus: Keep pretending Keep the puppets dancing Chorus: Your love left me blind Playing games with my mind Leading me through a maze of deceit Seducing me, knocking me off my feet Sacrificing it all For you to be here when I fall You keep playing games Holding me down in chains Stil you keep playing games

You've done a really good job in my opinion And we still have until friday, so don't worry! It's reads better now with the rhyme back in it. Donne made some good suggestions. I have nothing more to say about it. For me it's a go Good job done!!

I'm just happy I could help It's based on events from your own life than?

Not bad at all!! Maybe something like this... Your love left me blind Playing games with my mind Leading me through a maze of deceit Seducing me, knocking me off my feet Sacrificing it all For you to be here when I fall You keep playing games Holding me down in chains Stil you keep playing games

I love your pre-chorus! but I also loved your second one Either one of them would be fine to me. It's what you think that fits best. I like your bridge. The message is clear enough. Just a little sugestion: Once he saw blue eyes of beauty But her heart was so full of misery (Than they turned into mirrors of misery) So he left her, cause he only felt pity (That's why he left her, cause he only felt pity) Really good job you've done!

It could be yes I just don't hear anything... I don't always have a melody inside my head with it. I made a chance in my chorus. Don't know if it fits or not... But Lisa also said I better repeated my hook line. So that's 2 against one and I had to give in But I'm glad you liked the rest! Mission acomplished?

I always put my bridge at the end of my lyric I don't know why... but I always end with it. Your bridge is the conclusion that you never be what she wants you to be... And it ends with your title. So if that's the last line of your lyric you could keep the title 'model husband' in my opninion. I would do verse, verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge. I'm really not good in the technical stuff but if I listen to my feeling it would be that way. Maybe Donna has another vision about it. I liked your first version of verse 3 better than the new one, there's a lot more of emotion into it than now. Maybe... She carved me out of need, fantasy and greed She used promises and bribes, inducements as she scribed… Her signature and cross, weeping and embossed And never looked at me again That’s the way it was, and will always be How I miss the girl I love (I wed) Just a suggestion. It's your choice at the end.

I rewrote it with your critiques in mind so I hope it's better now. Any more critique is welcome Playing Games Verse: I was just a foolish kid Lost until I saw and found you All the sacrifices I did To makes this work, make it through I kept believing the same excuses I knew that you would change Even after all the bruises Verse: Soon we got in a fight The truth caught up with you Yes I knew you lied Nothing was ever true So you began to beg and plead For another chance to prove Our love could succeed Pre-chorus: Keep pretending Keep the puppets dancing Chorus: Love made me blind Played games with my mind Once the die was cast I lost all control Sacrificing it all For you to be here when I fall Stil you're just playing games Bridge: Your favourite game Playing with my head I was always the one to blame The one who was better of dead Verse: One chance after another You swore it would be the last Always caught you with another Another girl from your past I needed to stop myself believing In the illusions you made for me Pushed myself to leaving I'm throwing away the key Pre-chorus: Keep pretending Keep the puppets dancing Chorus: Love made me blind Played games with my mind Once the die was cast I lost all control Sacrificing it all For you to be here when I fall Stil you're just playing games