Vagdavercustis

Thanks for the time you put into your critique! And correct my mistakes I'm really trying my best to get it right. But everyday I learn from my mistakes! Beg and plead is indeed a better way to say it. Didn't think about that myself. Maybe: So you began to beg and plead For another chance to prove Our love could succeed. I will see what I take when I rewrite. I'll keep it both in mind About the chorus. I thought if I would write it in present tense it would appeal more to the listener. That the listener would recognize him/herself more in it. If you know what I mean? Don't know how to say it otherwise. The past tense sounds good to... Just don't know if that will make it stronger or not. I know that you would never chance... it's a total different meaning than. And I'm at that point still convinced that he CAN chance. I'm trying to make myself believe that (the delusion). I'm throwing away the key sounds stronger! Thanks for pointing that out For not much time it's a great critique you posted here and verry helpfull! I'll take all 3 critiques in mind with me when I rewrite my lyric. Thanks a lot for the compliment!!! Most of my lyrics are personal and tells a true story. It's like a movie in my mind and I want the listener to feel and see what I feel and see. That's why I try to put as many emotion into it as I can. 'Cause that's what I like in other lyrics myself. I have a pen and a notebook besides my bed. But most of the time I just get up and put my laptop on so I don't wake my boyfriend I always seem to have inspiration when I can't fall asleep... but glad I'm not the only one who has that problem hahaha

It's a relief to hear that my critique has been helpfull! I'm really not so good in it so I hope it's also good enough for John I know the feeling of writing in the dark. My boyfriend supports me in what I do but he doesnt know anything about writing. But the fact he supports me is enough. That's why I'm glad I found this forum. I've been learning so much on here I'm curious what will come out of your lyric with the critiques of me and Donna!

First of all thanks to take the time to critique my lyric (although it's a task) I apreciate it I really like board games... I have to many of them at home. But the mindgame part I like! I will try to put it in there somehow. I just write (from own experience and heart) and than afterwards pick a title out of the chorus that sounds good Your vision on the tittle is really good and I will certainly keep that in mind with the rewrite! Switching the verses could work. Verse 3 after verse 1 makes sence! If I make the bridge verse 3 than I need to erase a line or rewrite it. So I'll think about it. I like it as a bridge. Maybe putting the bridge after the first chorus and than just ad a 3th new verse behind it? You think that could work to? I lik my chorus, but I know what you mean with stronger. Maybe rewrite it a little bit, adding a line or 2 to it. I know my spelling isn't perfect. I'm working on that. Most of the time my boyfriend checks my spelling, he's better in English than me. But I wrote this at 4 am and didn't want to wake him. I put in on the forum before he got home from work. My mistake... But I'm working on it!!! You have a good way of writing and planning... I just have a line or more lines that suddenly come to mind. I write it down as fast as I can before it slips away (even at 4 in the morning yes) I just jump out of bed and take my laptop Most of the time I write out of my own experiences, feelings and thoughts. I always use a rhyming dictionary to find a word that rhymes and fits my story. And also recent an thesaurus. Kel adviced me that one It helps sometimes if I want to put a word in another way. Maybe I should give your way of working a chance It's nice to read that you enjoy reading my lyrics. That's the biggest compliment I can get Again, thanks for taking the time! It was really helpfull and I can do a lot with it!!

I will correct the spelling errors in my next draft! John said we cannot rewrite until friday so I don't rewrite anything until than I knew that you would change (what does this mean? change how?) Changing the lying in first place. Telling the truth for once in his life. That's what I mean with it. I thought it was clear enough, but that was a wrong thought I guess. Even after all the bruises (metaphorical bruises I think right?) Real bruises on the body. He's just a lying, cheating, beating man. That's what I wanted to make clear without just saying that he had beat her up. I know that verse 1 is dfferent from the other. I wrote this at 4 am in the morning because I suddenly had inspiration. Didn't had the time to rewrite it the next day and I just posted it as it was. So in the rewrite I'm going to make them all 3 the same rhyming structure. But in verse 3 is rhyme... Its': ABABCDC. And verse 2 is just the same structure. Thanks for taking the time to critique my lyric But I guess that wasn't your job?

Hi Rudi, I'm going to do my best for this critique. I'm not so into the technical stuff of writing (still learning all of it) but I give it a shot It are just my thoughts and emotions on it! (and sorry for any spelling errors!) So here I go! The title: I don't know what to expect if I read your title. That's verry good (imo)! A listener wants to know what's behind the title. Is it about a model husband, is it about finding a model husband, ... You get the point It's a original title and I like it but it doesn't appear in your chorus. You just use it once in your bridge. The song revolves around the girl, not around the model husband. So why not pick a title that refers to the girl like 'Russian doll'? It's still an original title that sets a listener to finding out more (imo). The structure: I always thought a bridge was at the end of a lyric. So I was surprised finding it before verse 3. It's not a bad thing I guess, it just surprised me. Theme and message: It reminds me of the younger me. If anything or anyone didn't do what I expected them to do I just totally freaked out. I just began to shout, scream, throwing and smashing things. I just wanted to have some control over things and persons in my life because I was in a really bad place in my mind and life on that point. So I get the message, loud and clear. And the 'husband' doesn't fit her expectations so she just pushes him away and he feels pretty useless than. It's a little bit like a sad lovestory. But it's a message that people think about and they're going to read/listen again and again. Or it least I have Verses: Every line has a rhyme into it. It reads really flowing and natural. Lines 4 and 6 don't rhyme and are shorter. I find that a good thing so it isn't all the same troughout the verses. A little chance in between is good! It keeps the reading surprising and not boring. A few words I didn't understand so I translated them. Nothing bad to you, that's just my lack of English grammar. But others that would listen to it and aren't so perfect in English as me would have the same problem. I don't understand the last line in your 3 verse: She's in denial of her end. Is she dying? Or am I missing something? It's just not clear to me and leaves me with a confusing feeling after the read. Pre-chorus and bridge: The pre-chorus is short but strong. I like it, no need to change it for me. The bridge: you bring something new to the song, so that's good. You have the title in here. But a title must stand out for me out of the song and it doesn't here for me. Chorus: Maybe instead of 'she sulks, she spouts' 'she fight, she lies' Sounds better to me and easyer to understand... it's just a suggestion. Keep it or leave it So in general I like it a lot. Some troubles with some words but I know what they mean now so I've learned something again today Maybe think over the tittle. But all the rest I like. Maybe I oversee things that other people do see. But as said, I just lack some technical side of writing to critique everything. All I can do is my best. Keep up the good work!! I enjoyed this one!

Hi Goldy, I'm going to do my best for this critique. I'm not so into the technical stuff of writing (still learning all of it) but I give it a shot It are just my thoughts and emotions on it! (and sorry for any spelling errors!) I thought John said that we cannot make any chances until friday? The title: It's original and it makes me want to read/listen to it. With a tittle like that you don't know what to expect. I instantly thought about a zombie bride, but that's just my weird imagination You just know that it will be a sad love story like lyric. So the title is a keeper for me! The structure: It's fine by me. I would leave that the way it is. Theme and message: It's a sad love story. A woman who's marriage is over but she can't let go (if I'm right) People like to hold on to the past for some strange reasons. And you read that it's eating her up inside. Her one true love has gone away and she doesn't have the need to go on with her live without him. It's something that allmost everyone can rely upon. After a break-up you always think that you'll never find anyone as amazing as him/her. It's a universal theme that everyone will understand! Verses: Your verses are all ABCB. That's a good thing! Using the same rhyming structure in every verse gives the listener a familiar feeling to each verse. Your first verse immediatly grabbed my atention... I wanted to read more of it! I can feel her pain and agony troughout the verses. Brining over emotions into your words to someone else can be really hard but you did it perfect for me! Pre-chorus and bridge: I would switch your pre-chorus and bridge. Don't ask me why... it's just a feeling I have and it reads better for me that way. So this as your pre-chorus: You can see hope surge in her eyes: Thinking he'll return believing a cruel lie And this as your bridge: In a storm of denial She cringes and hides Lost forever In delusion's tide The 'lost forever in delusin's tide' feels like a perfect ending for the lyric. But that's what MY feeling says. So it's up to you if you want to follow my feeling or not Chorus: She lives, She'll die Like a phantom bride. She spies, She runs She hides Like a phantom bride. She'll die You allready have 'die' in here so maybe 'She is' A phantom bride. 2 little suggestions. Take it or leave it She spies sounds a little stalker like, if you know what I mean. I think I've covered most of the subjects I could. I gave my opinion and now it's for you to see if you can do something with it or not. I really like your lyric so much negative critique I couldn't give And you allready rewrote it with the advice of Kel. I enjoyed reading it and that's the most important thing for me Keep up the good work girl!!

I'm really sorry I havent put my critiques on here. I've been so bussy I barely have time for internet. I'll do my best to critque the lyrics this evening!

Wow Goldy, thumbs up for the singing!!

Playing games Verse: I remember it all so well The first touch, the first kiss I was under your spell So young and so naive It didn't matter what others thought You and me could conquer it all All that matters was our love Verse: Soon we got in a fight The truth caught up with you Yes I knew you lied Nothing was ever true So you began to beg and shout For another chance to prove Our love could work this out Pre-chorus: Keep pretending Keep the puppets dancing Chorus: Love makes us blind Playing games with our minds Sacrificing it all For someone to be there when you fall Verse: I was just a foolish kid Lost until I saw and found you All the sacrafices I did To makes this work, make it trough I kept believing the same excuses I knew that you would change Even after all the bruises Pre-chorus: Keep pretending Keep the puppets dancing Chorus: Love makes us blind Playing games with our minds Sacrificing it all For someone to be there when you fall Bridge: One chance after another You swore it would be the last Always caught you with another Another girl from your past I needed to stop myself believing In the illusions you made for me I pushed myself to leaving Throwing away the key

Wow... Okay I'm going to try. But I have a lot of work at home and at my job these days. And still working on the 4 weeks challenge... My inspiration is gone (on vacation I think) Can someone explain me short and quick what a pre-chorus is? And yes I know it comes before the chorus

That's the main reason I joined this group. Improving myself and write things I would never write on my own. And I fail, than I fail... it's a lesson learned than Me and my friends talked about going to NZ next year. So maybe

00:17 am over here in Belgium. NZ... Still want to visit that country! I don't expect to get many more votes ectually... Kell is pretty populair over here I see

Is it allready saturday? Do we need a minimum of votes? Can I vote on my own lyric?

I'm watching season 2... 8 more to go

thanks for the spoiler!

It's 10pm over here. Just relaxing in the sofa with my boyfriend and 2 cats. Watching 'Grey's Anatomy' Verry addictive soap!! Tomorrow a working day again so not going to stay up late. I always have a lot of reading to do on the forum here in the morning

Okay I understand it It's like the dialects here with us. It's a really small country but a lot of different dialects. If I go to the sea over here I never understand the people... it's the same language but their dialect doesn't make sense to me. I apreciate you took the time to explain it to me!! "to-geth-errr" sounds like a pirate talking

Great, now I want to stuff myself with chocolate But we do have the best here! Thanks for the explanation. I'm learning every day a little bit more English here

Hahaha okay than... I'm following again Their are a lot of lyrics that doesn't make any sense!

I don't understand every word of it... but you always use words I don't know But I get the point!! I didn't really understand 'sticky when rich' but I do now. It's a verry good write!!

I find your first sentence funny!! Does it have any meaning? (don't know all the English words!) You had another aproach than me but I like it. I'm just a little bit confused. Does he want her to stay or go away? 'Cause he's begging for her but than he sends her away...

Thanks for your comment I'm not a Stones fan so I was afraid it wasn't the genre it was supposed to be, but I did my best. Hot sweet coffee sounds nice!! I'm going to rewrite some things now with the advises I've got and post it on the forum. Never heard of Alfie Boe Going to google her!!

Now I'm curious about your lyric and what you have done with the title I'm not sure about the last 2 lines. It fits with the melody I have inside my head but if others think that it does't need those 2 lines I can better erase them I guess. I apreciate your thoughts!

You're right about the last chorus... I will adjust it. Not sure if I'm going to drop the last 2 lines. It just fits with the melody inside my head. Going to think that one trough Thanks for the advice!