jamestoffee

Hi Les, >I have tried to do a critique but not really something I am comfortable doing, no expert on the subject. Thanks for giving it a go. >not sure of the twisted phrase! The twist was subtle; maybe too subtle.....being What! (interjection) Were you thinking? (Rhetorical question)...implying that the singee was not to be thinking at all vs. a one time blunder of an action or word. >From the 2nd verse the song comes across quite mean towards the person and if they have made it to the top would they really put up with that attitude towards them? I had a couple of thoughts combined. One was Milli Vanilli when they wanted to use their own voices for their album. Another was the idea of “selling out†to the music industry meaning you have to be and do what is expected instead of following your own artistic integrity. I agree that in “real life†the singer would be a real jerk....but I think it does personify the media a bit. Consider how relatively short-lived most entertainers careers are “at the top of their game†>Now saying that in the last verse you state they have “had†their 15 min’s of being the star, which contradicts them being at the top unless they are a 1 hit wonder at the top for a short time, Yes, what is not explicit is the time frame that the singer had been to the top and is not there anymore and questioning “Was it all worth it?.....what was i/ were you (self-talk) thinking >I don’t know why but “your skin is bronzed†seems out of place! If you wanted to keep with the following lines that seem sarcastic to me (might not be the best word) you could have used something like “your just a blonde†or something similar! just my thoughts. I thought about saying almost the exact same line “you’re just the blonde†but I tried for a twist on the cliché “I am the brains (smart); you are the brawn (strength) of this operation†“your skin is bronzed†Implies fake or real suntan; the singee is mostly marketable for her looks....and voice >Overall a good attempt at the challenge and the recorded version is good and I hope this offering of a critique makes some sense? Thank again for the critique. It helps to see that what I assume is coming across isn't always the case. James

halld1971, on 08 Aug 2014 - 5:23 PM, said: James, That was great, I loved it. I think you def hit the brief and was very catchy tune, particularly the bluesey notes. I think the "what? were you thinking?" is great, ingenious even!!! This is great and I truly dont know how you produce these songs so quickly. Great job mate!!! Hi halld1971, Thanks for the listen and feedback. >consider setting aside some time next Saturday the 9th August for some group discussion of the submitted works and to discuss: A. What you found challenging about this task The love song aspect was challenging, so it would be a bit of a stretch, but the “love†in this song is the manager’s love for the money the singer brings in. Another challenge I would have found difficult would be too many options to choose from for a topic. However, I've learned that often what I need is more restrictions than fewer. There is another weekly challenge forum I join, so I often try to combine the two challenges into one. The other weekly forum topic for the week was to use the phrase “What were you thinking†This helped narrow down the choices for me regarding the idea. B. What you learned in writing the song Originally, I wrote this as a blues song, but that didn’t fit the “modernness feel,â€. What I learned was, when the lyrics are structured, you can play around with the chord progressions to fit a different genre. C. What you consider to be your specific strengths and weaknesses. Strength: One the idea/concept is in place I can carry it through to completion. Weakness: Lyrically: I lack a natural tendency towards sense bound writing; which is supposed to have more connecting power for the listener. Metaphors can be quite challenging as well. Musically: I need to work on more intentional contrasts between sections; not really an issue in the AAA form though.

Hi halld1971, ​You've got some nice ideas about describing the initial feelings of love/attraction. I like how the main idea is posed as a question. Suggestions: Consider revising the form to fit AAA. Right now is seem like A B C B A Consider describing the physical reactions the singer is feeling related to the idea of "head over heels"; the feeling of an out of control falling motion. So the first part sets up the going up high (in the clouds) the next section could be about the drop/tumbling feelings and actions and the final section could be about hitting the ground, or before my feet touch the ground, you toss me up in the air again etc. Thanks for sharing. James

Hi louielouwhy, Good start. It has a positive vibe. Thanks for taking the time to write out all the music. Unfortunately, I can't figure out how it would sound, but the reference to the other song helped a lot. Suggestions: I'm not following how it fits the AAA structure. Consider reworking the structure. Consider developing more of the story: who is singing this message to whom, and why Also, consider including more concrete images. I'm not sure how time clock fits in; maybe meaning the end of the world, but that doesn't sound so hopeful. Also, I haven't heard of a "time clock"......maybe clock, time bomb, stop watch. Thanks for sharing. James

Hi Paul and Les, Thanks for the listens and posts -James

Here is my submission for this week's topic: http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38676-challenge-39-what-were-you-thinking/

Challenge #39 What Were You Thinking? Listen here: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12875339 What? Were you thinking? Thinking is dangerous; I’ve warned you before What? Were you thinking? I don’t want hear you’re thinking no more What were you thinking? What? Were you thinking? I am the brains; your skin is bronzed What? Were you thinking? I sell the music and you sing the songs What were you thinking? What? Were you thinking? You say your fans want to know the true you What? Were you thinking? You’re just a low cut costume in a new hairdo What were you thinking? What? Were you thinking? You had your 15 minutes as the star of the show What? Were you thinking? You made it to the top now there’s nowhere to go What were you thinking? What were you thinking?

Hi David, >Thank you so much. You're very welcome >This is the first time I've heard my lyrics to music, so I'm having a proud father moment... That's great! I'm honored to have been able to help. Cheers. James

Hi David, I had a go at the song "salsa" style. Here is a link to the voting post with the mp3 attached: http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38655-challenge-38-it-must-be-summer-listen-and-vote-participation/?p=247396 -James

Hi ames1212, Thanks so much for the listen and post -James

Hi halld1971, Good start on this one. I like how the focus is in one scene; around the beach setting. I like this line: And the boys just stare at the girls nearly bare Summers in the air Suggestions: It's possible some lines would need a lot of repetition as what is here as is would make for a very short salsa song; considering the speed and repetition of salsa lyrics. "with strangers at your feet" could be a bit more conversational also, I'm not following this line "the boys feel pretty" Regarding the music, I can try to give it a go, but I don't know/play salsa music. Nevertheless, if you are interested in a listen, I can give it a go.....let me know. Thanks for sharing. James

>James Thanks!!! I think that you improved the lyrics too by cutting them short. You're welcome. I'm glad you liked it. >At first I thought it was going to be a Kinks version. Then, I asked my self once you started to sing if you were Ric Ocasek > lead singer for the Cars. I hadn't thought of that, but I can definitely hear it after reading your post LOL

Hi ames1212, Thank you for the listen and post -James

Hi louielouwhy, Check it out here http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38584-challenge-38-summer-all-the-time-listen-and-vote-participation/?p=246887 Cheers, James

Hi louielouwhy, If you are looking for a collaboration, I came up with a melody and chords that would fit (most of) your lyrics. Let me know if you want me to record and post it. If I changed too much and you're not interested in the revisions, no worries. Let me know. James UPDATE- ATTACHED IS THE MP3. I'LL SET UP THE POLING POST AS WELL. SUMMER ALL OF THE TIME I GOT MY FAVORITE CHEVY AND I'M PUTT'N DOWN THE TOP Crank’n up a STATION THAT only PLAYS ROCK Gonna LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL START IT OFF with a SODA POP T'IS THE SEASON THAT I LOVE CAUSE I SURE LIKE IT HOT Chorus I’ve got SUMMER, SUMMER, SUMMER, SUMMER on my mind I want SUMMER, SUMMER, SUMMER, SUMMER all the time WHEN THE NIGHT TIME COMES 'round and the moon is low I'LL STILL BE JAMMING TO THAT ROCK AND ROLL FROM THE OCEAN STATE, RHODE ISLAND TO THE LAKES IN MUSCLE SHOALS THE ONLY TIME YOU'LL CATCH ME IS ON THE GO chorus IT’s ALL SWEET T'IS THE SEASON FOR ME Summer ring that bell of LIBERTY chorus LANDR-Y1W38 Summer All the Time .mp3

Here is my submission for this challenge: http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38405-challenge-38-summer-time/

Y1W38 Summer Time Listen here: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12859377 Chorus Summer, Summer, Summer time yeah! Summer, Summer, Summer time yeah! I want to feel the sand between my toes Let’s go watch the fireflies glow Swing on the porch and drink ice tea Bikinis tan lines on Market Street It’s Summer! chorus I want an open road with the windows down I want to see you smile like a circus clown Counting crows in a cotton candy sky Blowing kisses to the dandelions It’s Summer! chorus 2x You can’t buy this moment back with all the money in the world The water shimmers on your skin like diamonds on pearls You’ve got it all You’ve got it all right now chorus Summer, Summer, Summer time yeah! Summer, Summer, Summer!

Hi Jay, Good start It's an interesting concept. I'm not sure the singer is cast in the best light as it seems he used "magic" to put a "love spell" on the woman....but then the spell wears off, or maybe it's too strong and she can't help falling in love with whoever she meets; which would justify the infidelity. Suggestions: #1 Consider the singer's voice or POV that the vocabulary and concepts are coming from the same type of character: These words seem like an older/old fashioned person: mend, unbroken bond, acquire, infidelity, chagrin, suffered, taboo These words are more slang: You had 3 on the go, something I could shout about, Yeah, I’m not so tough, Cos #2 Here the singer was the one doing the deception with "magic" Your eyes blinded me to the whole truth......I don't understand how "her eyes" could blind him and what "whole truth" is he is referring to. Also it's strange that he calls her his friend and then tells he might use a magic wand to make her love him again....what kind of friendship would that be? Take or toss the suggestions as you see fit. Thanks for sharing. James

Here is my lyric submission for the challenge: http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38274-challenge-37-mr-right/ John, Please post a link to the collaboration request area..... "find a co-writer from the boards to write a new melody for your lyrics" I only see an area for collaboration showcase. Thanks, James

Challenge #37 Mr. Right When you thought you married Mr. Right Oh baby There you were a blushing bride in white It’s crazy He seemed so sincere; now you find it queer You thought you knew your Mr. Right Now take some time to think it through You thought you knew your Mr. Right But he was wrong, wrong for you Doesn’t matter day or night, don’t call Him baby He’s not coming back to you at all No maybes Hope you find a Mr. Right like he did You thought you knew your Mr. Right Now take some time to think it through You thought you knew your Mr. Right But he was wrong, wrong for you Yes, he was wrong, wrong for you, wrong for you

>there is a method to the madness ...... none of it really works for what I wanted to write. No worries.

Hi sgtsoul, Good start Vs 1 and the bridge do a great job at showing over telling. Suggestions: Consider reworking v2 up to the standard of the other sections. Consider tweaking the title as “heartburn†is layman’s term for a form of indigestion and adds a bit of comedy to what seems a more serious subject..... ....maybe just “Burned†“We were standing arm in arm with my best friend.....†Not clear....sounds like 3 or more people standing together Try “Standing arm in arm with my best friend†or “Standing arm in arm with, you, my best friend†In all, it seems a bit wordy, but like you mentioned on another post, it’s more a style you favor. Here is how I would trim down some lines. Take or leave as you see fit..... HEARTBURN Half a photograph, from a lifetime ago Stared at it so long can see it with eyes closed I was/We were smiling just before the end Standing arm in arm with (YOU) my best friend..... The words on the back say you’d always be around Now you’re kicking me when I’m down.....(should be images that ties in with “fire/burn†Here you go again rubbing salt into my wounds (not a burn image) A bad taste left in my mouth that reminds me of you (not a burn image) Heartburn..... (Consider using the 2 lines before to develop the ‘burn’ concept YOUR familiar voice, one I’ve always known There’s no love left coming through the TONE or since "one I've always known is redundant to "familiar voice" you could try YOUR familiar tone, one I’ve always known There’s no love left coming through the (tele)phone Brings echoes of the past, of the way we used to laugh (not a burn image) maybe talk about the remembering the relationship’s passion related to heat, hot, steamy But now the truth IGNIGHTS THE SPARK on what I thought we had..... The one supposed to be there, and catch me when I fall (not a burn image) How could you and why would you make me feel so small (not a burn image) You were my whole world, you were every sight and every sound TELLING NOT SHOWING & (not a burn image) Now you’re kicking me when I’m down……(not a burn image) CHORUS Take another piece from the heart that never learns (not a burn image) PourING gasoline on the fire that burns (Good burn image) Heartburn.....(Burned [like the song Torn]) BRIDGE- maybe this should be developed as Verse 2 Burning like love letters thrown into the fire (Good burn image) All those words go up in smoke (Good burn image) The flames consume me waiting here to die (Good burn image) Alone in my pain I CHOKE You’re Pouring gasoline on the fire that still burns Heartburn..... OUTRO Half a photograph, from a lifetime ago Stared at it so long I see it with eyes closed YOUR familiar voice, one I’ve always known There’s no love left coming through the TONE Brings echoes of the past, (fade out+echo) Again, take what works and toss what doesn't Thanks for sharing. James

Hi Goldy, Thank you for the listen and post James

Hi sgtsoul, >...do you have a home studio? Yes Thanks for the listen and feedback. James

Here is another go at the topic: http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38105-challenge-36-we-had-it-all/