jamestoffee

Hi JDH, Good start Nice work on balancing the two POVs. Suggestion: Consider turning the first "Both" section into the chorus and see if it can change meanings throughout the song....then draw a song title out from the chorus section.....This is assuming the song would have a "hook" section; although you might have different music structure in mind. Thanks for sharing. James

Hi JDHarris, Good start I see you are aware of working with the end rhymes and using them to keep interest in the flow of the sections. I found myself drawn to this line "It’s the color of your skin and the kink in your hair" ...then I realized the "kink in your hair" is about the only concrete detail; except for Jesus and children. Suggestions: Consider replacing the non-concrete details with more concrete details to help the listener/reader get clear images of what you are presenting. Also consider narrowing down to one incident and one listener. Since general and universal aren't the same, a message of peace to everyone could need some tweaking to make the message understandable to different people groups. Thanks for sharing. James

Hi Les, Thanks for the listen and post -James

Hi McNaughton Park, Thanks for the critique. I agree with all your points; especially in the shortcomings of missing the "real" aspect; if real is defined as a specific person, place and time. However, if the activity (abortions) is statistically happening many times a day.....that's real....and the location of family planning clinics in major cities in urban lower-income areas is real. Here are the links I drew inspiration from: Black Genocide.org http://www.blackgenocide.org/home.html When Is Abortion Racism? http://www.desiringgod.org/sermons/when-is-abortion-racism ....so again, the song is about an activity that happens daily, but not focusing on one particular person....also the POV of the singer, that being an unborn baby, has a lot of artistic license or abuse used to get the message of the song across. Thanks again. James

Here is my submission: http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/39087-challenge-42-any-wrong-im-sorry-for/ -James

Any Wrong I'm Sorry For http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12908350 =====Revised Version===== Legalized on the 22nd of January ‘73 I met a man in a white coat With white gloves and white skin And a guilt-free philosophy I raised my arms in protest but he cut me clean like a scythe He warned me not make a noise It was her voice, it was her choice I had no rights Chorus Any wrong I’m sorry for Maybe it’s just me Any wrong I’m sorry for I was meant to be I watched my black fingers twitch as they floated by waving goodbye The blood around me thickened As I listened to her heart beat quicken chorus I guess I don’t need no body If nobody’s needing me You can break my flesh and bones but you can’t scrape out my soul I met a man in a white robe With a halo at a white gate And He hugged me and welcomed me home chorus =====Original Version===== Murdered on the 22nd of January ‘73 I met a man in a white coat With white gloves and white skin And a guilt-free philosophy I raised my arms in protest but he cut me clean like a scythe He warned me not make a noise It was her voice, it was her choice I had no rights Chorus Any wrong I’m sorry for Maybe it’s just me Any wrong I’m sorry for Maybe it’s just me I watched my black fingers twitch as they floated by waving goodbye The blood around me thickened As I listened to her heart beat quicken chorus I guess I don’t need no body If nobody’s needing me You can break my flesh and bones but you can’t scrape out my soul I met a man in a white coat With a halo at a white gate And He hugged me and welcomed me home chorus

Hi David, It's off to a good start. I think it's good you are focusing on one character instead of trying to identify the masses of starving. It reminds me a bit of Sade's Peals Suggestions: Try adding more concrete details. Consider revising this idea.... Baby boy hugging her hips. But no-one to hold her tonight......because the baby boy is there to hold her and bi se versa.....they have each other I like the idea of the title....an interesting play on words might be Why can't we give it all? Why can't we give it all? Why can't we give AT all? Thanks for sharing. James

>I think there would be something fishy LOL absolutely

Hi David, >I would say I didn't find the song emotionally wrenching but it was a good starter. Agreed. I read to get the most emotional impact, you should use the POV from the character that has the most to loose.....In this case it would be from the fish's POV, but then again a lot of the message would get lost or be confusing.....other than that I tried to go for longer higher notes in the B section and used a different chording, but I agree the "wrenching" isn't "wrenchy' enough to say it's emotionally wrenching. Thanks for the listen and feedback James

Hi louielouwhy, Thanks for the listen and post James

Hi Louielouwhy, Good start I think the strong emotion comes out in the lyrics and I like a lot of the lines with the opposite/contrasting words/ideas. It reminds me a bit of Orwell's 1984 Newspeak http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newspeak Suggestion: Consider revising to fit the AABA form Thanks for sharing. James

Here is my submission: http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38901-challenge-41-saving-fish-from-drowning/

Y1W41 Saving Fish from Drowning Listen here: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12892284 He pledged himself in a noble way To save one hundred lives each day He dropped in his net and laid out on the bank One hundred fishes he drew from the lake He talked to the fishes while they flopped around I saved you from drowning; you’re safe on dry ground His words were convincing and his reasoning sound And sure enough they all calmed down Yet sad to say they died anyway He was always too late And as it is evil to ever waste He sold the dead fish on market day And bought more nets with the profits he made So the next one hundred lives could be saved LANDR Y1W41 Saving Fish From Drowning.mp3

Hi Amy, It's looking very good! I'd say the gist of it is there. I could only nit pick, so feel free to ignore the suggestions if they don't fit. Suggestions: Consider another word to describe the choir...."blazed" doesn't seem to fit. For coffee, you could fit in a brand name or store. "lucky" shirt could be more descriptive to let us know what she likes....or a bit more descriptive than "shirt" to let us know what kind of work she is off to do. The chorus is in 1st person POV.....why not make the verses first person too?...otherwise it's a bit of a disconnect between 3rd person and 1st. Also, the chorus like this is tricky b/c it sets the time frame....even when the story has passed that point chronologically. Consider tweaking the chorus to fit the changes ....morning....after work.....evening. Maybe a bridge could deepen the singer's philosophy to what makes it a good day.....Yes, she was not late to work, got to go to a concert with someone she was starting a romance with....but what's the message of the song? Again, take or toss as you see fit. Thanks for sharing. James

Hi halld1971, LOL 39.5! That’s great! Nice start. I like the minimal approach to lyrics and how the challenge brought in more concrete details. Suggestion: Consider sticking with one overarching metaphor to tighten up the message. For example: This relationship is a car on a road trip that never made it to its destination. You start that way with the lights (though it’s not clear if it is traffic lights or brake lights)......jam fits in the context as a traffic jam (not as the jelly/jam) ...but then the head over heels doesn't quite work out......unless....you could try to approach it like this..... .....the relationship is a car on road trip..... ......the destination is the relationship’s happiness/life-long relationship....... ......the road obstacle flips and totals the car is the cheating relationship...... ......the destroyed car is the destroyed relationship..... ......then focus the song around the road accident in motion..... ......that way the head over heels will fit as the passengers are flipped and disoriented in both the car accident and relationship. Take or toss as you wish. James

Hi Louie, Thanks for the listen and post. -James

Hi MMR, Thanks for the listen and post. I was going for a certain effect, but maybe it just came out awkward. Thanks for the suggestion. I'll keep thinking on it. James

Hi MMR, Good start It looks like you have a clear event in mind and some nice thematic concrete details. Suggestions: Consider starting the song with V2 as it comes across stronger than V1. Consider clarification for those who don’t know the story. I don’t know the story, so there are some questions that come to mind: Why in one chorus it’s about Cleopatra and the other two choruses Nefertiti? They are two different people....yes? https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081103190738AAlvgYW I don’t understand “Gave her just 30 yearsâ€....does that mean the poison took 30 years to work? What is “it†in “it came crawlingâ€? “In the catacombs of magic, no light WAS found†Does this mean Cleopatra was standing in a catacomb in complete darkness with guards and a jaguar?.....If that is correct, why were they there and why where they there in the dark? Possible rewording: In the catacombs of magic, no light WAS found Protection FAILED (A / THE) Witch (THAT) hides in the dark IS still alive Take or toss as you wish. Thanks for sharing. James

I went ahead and added another verse for clarification.

Hi Holz, I was trying to take a minimal approach to details to sketch out a story, but as often happens with too few details the listener will end up at a different place....or just end up confused. Singer: illegal hotel worker (assumed from Mexico on my part) Place: a seedy motel around Hollywood or LA (assumed on my part)....SEEDY hinted at by manager's lack of hygiene on the job HOLLYWOOD/LA hinted at by a Madonna billboard A couple checked in. There was some kind of trouble or violence b/c he carries a gun....he gets drunk and beats her....she has a black eye and has had enough While he is passed out she shoots him with his gun, runs and hides in the ally garbage bin....... .....at the same time the illegal maid hears the shot like everyone else and is fearful. When the cops come she also hides in the ally garbage bin because she doesn't want to be involved in a crime scene and be deported. The two women meet in the same hiding place but both know that neither will give the other up to the police because they both have something to lose..... .....do you know that feeling when playing hide-and-seek and you and another player chose the same hiding place?...that quick, quiet bond of unspoken words in hiding.... ....the end of the story is left with saying good bye to the motel.... ......it's left unknown if the women were caught or got away and looked for a safer place to go/live/work.

Hi louielouwhy, What a scene! I like lyrics when reading that I have no idea where it is heading.....and that's what you have here, but you end it nicely with the singer's transformation.....and interesting departure from the vampire or zombie bite to more of an E coli approach http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escherichia_coli Suggestion: This is a minor point, but for some reason "dude" doesn't sit right with me....partly because it seems like a dated or outdated slang and partly because all the pronouns say "it" Maybe something like this: I saw this LOON half past noon d#c#f Its hair was maroon aeb A crazed WILD HAIRED loony tune Thanks for sharing. James

Hi Holz, Great start! J The details work well. Suggestion consider reordering the events….for now they come into the story a bit random….. Try something like this….. The man is sad because his wife wants things he can’t afford Drinks for comfort His wife leaves him for the other guy Drinks for comfort He gets into a bar fight with the guy that stole his wife and loses an eye Drinks for comfort He can’t stand the shame of his defeat and/or loses his job b/c of age and injury, so he leaves Probably heads to RJ to drink himself away Also, consider reworking the title Bad Luck and Blues are practically synonyms, so adding “Bad Luck†to “Blues†doesn’t really add value; also, the title never appears in the lyrics….. ….which brings up the last suggestion…… Consider revising the chorus….All the verses deal in some way with alcohol…. Image of “chains†has no relation to alcohol ….except in a roundabout way of implying chains is related to slavery….slavery related to having a master…..having a master means not being free…..personification of alcohol as a slave master….the resolution would be the singer is an alcoholic regardless of his success or failures (or luck) in life……. ……maybe try a chorus around the alcohol…..like “80 Proof Blues†(in reference to Jack Daniels)……or pick a stronger proof and mix up the alcohol choices like “moonshine†101 proof…..â€101 Proof Blues http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moonshine http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Daniel's ….although you mention he drinks “whiskey†with RJ….I’ll let you sort out the details on that one. Take or toss the suggestions as you wish. Thanks for sharing. James

Here is my submission: http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38768-challenge-40-paradise-motel/ Here is my post on the Lyrics Critique: http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38808-paradise-motel/

Color... black A time of day... 3AM A named place... Paradise Motel A named famous person, alive or dead...Madonna A brand...Smith & Wesson’s A type of food or drink....sunflower seeds A number...third or 3 A part of the body...eye An item of clothing...skirt Challenge #40 Paradise Motel listen here: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12882253 =====Revised Version 2===== The neon lights of the motel fade Madonna’s billboard sign The manager’s spitting sunflower shells here in Paradise Here in Paradise A Smith & Wesson’s on third shelf; she’d reach it if she tried He’s passed out in the stairwell; she rubs ice on her black eye And me, I’m the skirt who cleans the sheets And I am here illegally Here in Paradise A shot rings out from the stairwell; call it courage or revenge Either way she pleads it; he’s not touching her again I hide myself in the shadows, but the curtain’s much too thin I don’t want to be a witness when the questioning begins ‘Cause I’m just the hand that folds the sheets Here in Paradise The flashing lights and sirens; pull in at 3 AM We find each other hiding in an alley garbage bin Both of us are smiling; like we somehow became friends But I never see her again Goodbye, farewell Goodbye, farewell Goodbye, farewell Paradise Motel \ =====Revised Version 1===== The neon lights of the motel fade Madonna’s billboard sign The manager’s spitting sunflower shells here in Paradise Here in Paradise Here in Paradise A Smith & Wesson’s on third shelf; she’d reach it if she tried He’s passed out in the stairwell; she rubs ice on her black eye And me, I’m the skirt who cleans the sheets And I am here illegally Here in Paradise Here in Paradise Here in Paradise A shot rings out from the stairwell; call it courage or revenge Either way she pleads it; he’s not touching her again I hide myself in the shadows, but the curtain’s much too thin I don’t want to be a witness when the questioning begins ‘Cause I’m just the hand that folds the sheets And I am here illegally Here in Paradise Here in Paradise Here in Paradise The flashing lights and sirens; pull in at 3 AM We find each other hiding in an alley garbage bin Both of us are smiling; like we somehow became friends But I never see her again Goodbye, farewell Goodbye, farewell Goodbye, farewell Paradise Motel =====Original Version===== The neon lights of the motel fade Madonna’s billboard sign The manager’s spitting sunflower shells here in Paradise Here in Paradise Here in Paradise A Smith & Wesson’s on third shelf; she’d reach it if she tried He’s passed out in the stairwell; she rubs ice on her black eye And me, I’m the skirt who cleans the sheets And I am here illegally Here in Paradise Here in Paradise Here in Paradise The flashing lights and sirens; pull in at 3 AM We find each other hiding in an alley garbage bin Both of us are smiling; like we somehow became friends But I never see her again Goodbye, farewell Goodbye, farewell Goodbye, farewell Paradise Motel

Hi John, Thank you for the critique! Here are some responses: > it gives very little real estate for story development. AAA song form is an ideal song form for telling a story. Good point >try playing with variations... It costs nothing to try. Exactly, will do >Some topics definitely can, such as anthemic songs, foot stomping songs etc. The benefits to a love song are a bit more doubtful... Good point. I was going from the perspective of keep it simple and repetitive, but every choice is a give and take of what you get, so knowing when and where is key.....which is something we are always working of on >....but love could be more.... Present lol Agreed >What are the common sayings per verse? This is the weak link in meeting the challenge....and for me it really was a challenge to make a story line out of common sayings.....the attempts were as follows: “Thinking is dangerous; I’ve warned you before†Common phrase(s): I don’t pay you to think.... I saw it recently in the movie Winter’s Tale http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winter's_Tale_(film) Here’s another reference to its use in stories http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IDontPayYouToThink I am the brains; your skin is bronzed A twist on brains and brawn You’re just a singer Change to ….. You’re just a low cut costume in a new hairdo Not really a twist of a common phrase here Dehumanizing the character to physical attributes rather than seeing them as a whole person. You had your 15 minutes as the star of the show You made it to the top now there’s nowhere to go No twist, just putting two common phrases together to convey the sad ending of the story. ....but again, these don’t fulfill the intention.....chalk it up to another challenge or growth area >Sure using a common phrase for the refrain is a great idea, but it challenges you less to find one and reuse it, than finding several. Agreed >Is there a reason that you chose 5 lines? Yes Check out this clip from 10:15-13:00 where he speaks about line numbers and stable/unstable emotions http://songwritingplanet.com/pat-pattison-on-songwriting-lyric-writing-songwriters-berklee/#.U-c5p-OSzrI >What is the core message you want to convey to the listener? .....the core message is....we are responsible for our own choices. Choices are made in our lives either by ourselves or others. In this case, the singee lets the singer dictate her choices because it gives her what she thinks she wants....fame and fortune....but the hint at the end is that her “career†was short-lived and while the manager’s choices helped in the short run, she was replaced, or used up/washed up when she couldn't fit the young sexy pop star image anymore..... >The trouble is that a question doesn't make the best message. Statements make better messages. I agree the majority of song titles are statements, but I do like question titles because of their indirect path to the listener. By the singer being a jerk and mistreating the singee, the listener won’t want to directly identify with either the singer or singee... ...but the listener can hear the story/conversation/thoughts and maybe think....what would I do.... ...or think... .....ah yes, the personification of the entertainment industry is to use up people and discard them.....ie pop stars, child actors etc..... ....then back to the moral.....we are all responsible for our own actions >That is why there are far far far fewer successful songs (I mean that as success as a song, how effective it is, rather than commercial success) where the title is a question. Agreed >I can't think of an example with the question in the title off the top of my head, Here is a list of some song titles as questions that have been hits https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080903091448AA77USN >Due to the lack real estate devoted to the story I did find it a little harder to connect with, and it didn't particularly take me anywhere for the same reason. Agreed. It’s clear to me there were not enough sensory details. I did like the musical aspects and thought the musical side moved well for not having a chorus......but lyrically I can see the lack of transitions in time and limited line “property space†left the story underdeveloped for the listener. A similar concept song I was thinking as the outline is “Lucky†by Britney Spears http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/britneyspears/lucky.html ,,,but a different POV....that of the manager's >not to criticise you, but to critique your work. Yes, definitely taken in that spirit >I hope you find some of my observations worthwhile I did > Just some points for consideration James. Much appreciated, John -James