Song Writing Challenge/competition #2 Updated

[Lazz]

Oh I see - consistancy! Well, why didn't you say that then?

Because it is a huge challenge to constantly and consistently spell 'consistency' correctly.

.

[Steve]

Because it is a huge challenge to constantly and consistently spell 'consistency' correctly.

.

Too many sybilols for me...?

[Dee]

Spelling was never my string point

[Lazz]

I think you mean 'pint'.

.

[Steve]

I think you mean 'pint'.

.

Thank you very much! Guinness please.

[Dee]

[Dee]

Quick update - the re-write is coming along. We're in the middle of Easter holidays here in UK so my focus has been on kids and the super summer-like weather. I love the warm weather so much. I really do. Here's a picture of me with my shades on

Anyway back soon.

[Dee]

Hello

Over the holidays I've been reading as much as I can about meter and stresses and syllables etc and I think I may (no promises)have cracked it as such. There are still one or two questions like those little one syllable words for example: I, the, this, are these stressed?

Anyway I have re-written a couple of the verses taking into account what I think I have learnt. However the words aren't that great but really this is an exercise in meter writing for me and keeping it consistEnt.

AmBITion BURNS inSIDE my SOUL

To PROVE i AM the BEST (is "am" stressed?)

My FOcus LIES upON this GOAL

I’m READy FOR the TEST

At TIMES I’ve CRIED, at TIMES I’ve BLED

I’ve ALmost GIVen UP

But NOW i SEE that PRIZE aHEAD

i KNOW i CANnot STOP

The WEIGHT of EXpecTAtion’s GREAT

Its LOAD I HAVE to BEAR

i HAVE to RHYME this LINE with ONE

aGAIN this LINE with TWO

Sorry about the last two lines, as I say it just an exercise for me.

The frustrating thing for me is I know how easy it's meant to be and I'm kicking myself for not "getting it". I would really like to conquer this.

So, am I any closer? I really value any opinons. Not about the words though. I'm finding it hard not to write anything cheesy. Though I suspect a song of inspiration for this type of event lends itself to cheese.

Thanks

Dee

[DonnaMarilyn]

As to which word in line 2 should be stressed, it depends upon the context. If you're referring to you/the singer in comparison to someone else, you would stress the "I" rather than "am". If you're arguing with someone who claims you're not the best, you'd stress "am". By the same token, you could leave both "I" and "am" unstressed and simply stress "best" if you want to emphasise this aspect of yourself. Sung lyrics should follow the cadence of natural spoken conversation, but context/meaning will determine which words are to be emphasised.

(Just remembered this is an Olympic theme. Probably "I' should be emphasised", maybe along with "best".

Decisions, decisions... No doubt others will chime in.

Donna

Hello

Over the holidays I've been reading as much as I can about meter and stresses and syllables etc and I think I may (no promises)have cracked it as such. There are still one or two questions like those little one syllable words for example: I, the, this, are these stressed?

Anyway I have re-written a couple of the verses taking into account what I think I have learnt. However the words aren't that great but really this is an exercise in meter writing for me and keeping it consistEnt.

AmBITion BURNS inSIDE my SOUL

To PROVE i AM the BEST (is "am" stressed?)

My FOcus LIES upON this GOAL

I’m READy FOR the TEST

At TIMES I’ve CRIED, at TIMES I’ve BLED

I’ve ALmost GIVen UP

But NOW i SEE that PRIZE aHEAD

i KNOW i CANnot STOP

The WEIGHT of EXpecTAtion’s GREAT

Its LOAD I HAVE to BEAR

i HAVE to RHYME this LINE with ONE

aGAIN this LINE with TWO

Sorry about the last two lines, as I say it just an exercise for me.

The frustrating thing for me is I know how easy it's meant to be and I'm kicking myself for not "getting it". I would really like to conquer this.

So, am I any closer? I really value any opinons. Not about the words though. I'm finding it hard not to write anything cheesy. Though I suspect a song of inspiration for this type of event lends itself to cheese.

Thanks

Dee

Edited May 4, 2011 by DonnaMarilyn

[Dee]

Hi Donna

Thanks for your comments.

If I changed:

to PROVE i AM the BEST (da DUM da DUM da DUM)

to:

to PROVE that I'M the BEST (it's still da DUM da DUM da DUM)

otherwise this:

to PROVE I am the BEST

would be - (da DUM DUM da da DUM)

I'm trying to keep the emphasis in the same places in lines 1 and 3 and lines 2 and 4 which, I believe has been my problem all along.

[Lazz]

Over the holidays I've been reading as much as I can about meter and stresses and syllables etc

Crikey!

What a fog that must generate.

I'd suggest that reading through lyrics by Johnny Mercer and by Oscar Hammerstein would be a good place to start. (Contemporary pop-writers don't offer particularly good examples and don't seem much concerned with issues us old fuddy-duddies think about.) Look at what they do and how they do it and pay less attention to what 'experts' tell us about it as commentary. That's my suggestion. Start with the best.

There are still one or two questions like those little one syllable words for example: I, the, this, are these stressed?

They can be. They might be. If you want. If it works. If it SOUNDS right.

an exercise in meter writing for me and keeping it consistEnt.

Ha ha. Well done.

I smell danger, Dee.

I know it's only an exercise (top marks) but I have some comments if you can bear it and without wishing to add to your load.

There's a hoary old William Wordsworth poem which has the same insistent rhythm as your exercise:

"I WANder'd LONE-ly AS a CLOUD

That FLOATS on HIGH o'er VALES and HILLS

When ALL at ONCE I SAW a CROWD

A HOST of GOL-den DAFF-o-DILS

Wordsworth was/is rightly regarded as a major Romantic poet - but, if this offers any guide or warning, he would have been a crap lyricist.

Why? Because of that constant marching rhythm like a damn drum - it's a straight-jacket leaving no room for flow of melody.

It works for poetry - but, whatever anyone else says, song-lyrics are a very different animal.

(That's why Mercer and Hammerstein may be my favourite places to start)

Most composers are quite wary of working lyrics-first for that reason - they say you'll end up with doggerel.

Be careful.

I'm trying to keep the emphasis in the same places in lines 1 and 3 and lines 2 and 4 which, I believe has been my problem all along.

Ah.

Here we go.

That is only important if they are the rules you have set for yourself in a particular piece.

What IS important is that the emphases of line one in Verse 1 should be reflected in line one of Verse 2

........and that the emphases of line two in Verse 1 should be reflected in line two of Verse 2

....... and so on.

That's the same pattern our ears would expect the melody to follow.

After that - it is common for the last line of a verse to change its flow and accent and rhythm when it is musically turning around differently because it is leading into a separate different section like a bridge or a chorus or whatever you want to call it.

I hope this does more than merely add to the fog of confusion.

Now clearly I have my own biases and preferences, but I have never personally found a single one of these "How To Write Better Song Lyrics..." to be worth the price of bog-roll. Even if your aim is to fit snuggly into the styles of contemporary pop, I believe it will be well worthwhile heading to your library and ordering up these little gems for bed-time reading:

"The Complete Lyrics Of Johnny Mercer"

"Lyrics on Several Occasions" - Ira Gershwin

"The Complete Lyrics of Oscar Hammerstein II"

Yowzer!

[Dee]

The fog is evaporating, Lazz. Your words, like rays of sunlight are burning it away.

When I was writing the above, it did feel more like poetry than lyric but I did write it like that for a reason - back to basics. Trying to remember what I learnt in school - a long time ago - (emphasis on long).

So now I've got the basics, I can build.

Yes, it does seem easier to write to established melodies but for the time being I shall keep practising meter writing music-less because, as I keep telling my children, practise makes perfect. However they don't believe me and think they should be able to do most things at the first time of trying - I have no idea who they get that trait from

I shall read your recommendations and I might even throw in one of my own. Irving Berlin.

I remember watching loads and loads of musicals with my mum whenever they came on t.v. and now my children have had their first taste of what I grew up watching. I have Calamity Jane on DVD and they watched it for the first time last week. I heard my five year old son the other day signing "Nut Cracker Way!"

Anyway - thanks again for reading and replying and helping and being very patient with me. It's much appreciated!!

Kind regards

Dee

[BoParker]

Cool: I love motivational lyrics - I've already started writing this for just such an occassion. (I originally started writing it for a movie that required inspiration and motivation similar to Rocky type montage)

Roar Like A Lion

[Verse 1]

Out there in the battlefield

Conquest is the key to survival

No chance when youre just standing still

Out there in the battlefield

Eye to eye your facing your rival

Can endurance out weigh the skill

The passion to win keeps hope alive

Stare till you see the fear in their eyes

Stand as the beast that will lead the pride

And sweet victory will be the prize

[Hook]

When you/Roar/Roar like Lion

Will you be the one

To sound the triumphed cry

When you/Roar/Roar like a Lion

Nothing less than gold

Wholl be the last to sur-vive

I'll post the rest if your interested..

Edited May 7, 2011 by writes2passage

[JamTimeMusic]

Cool: I love motivational lyrics - I've already started writing this for just such an occassion. (I originally started writing it for a movie that required inspiration and motivation similar to Rocky type montage)

Roar Like A Lion

[Verse 1]

Out there in the battlefield

Conquest is the key to survival

No chance when you’re just standing still

Out there in the battlefield

Eye to eye your facing your rival

Can endurance out weigh the skill

The passion to win keeps hope alive

Stare till you see the fear in their eyes

Stand as the beast that will lead the pride

And sweet victory will be the prize

[Hook]

When you/Roar/Roar like Lion

Will you be the one

To sound the triumphed cry

When you/Roar/Roar like a Lion

Nothing less than gold

Who’ll be the last to sur-vive

I'll post the rest if your interested..

Hey Bo,

I like the idea behind your lyrics.

On taking your lyrics further I would personally change this line as I don't like the presumption that the rival is more skillful : 'Can endurance out weigh the skill'

The lead up to the chorus is very positive but you have to ensure your message is the same the whole way through in my opinion.

When the chorus comes in the second line asks the question "Will you be the one?" whereas I feel it should continue to say "You will be the one"

Just my thoughts. Please show us what else you have

JD

[JamTimeMusic]

Are we gonna see another re-write Dee? I like how your idea is progressing. Lots of thoughts from folks here.

[Dee]

Hi JD

yep. I'm working on it

Will post soon

Dee

[BoParker]

Hey Bo,

I like the idea behind your lyrics.

On taking your lyrics further I would personally change this line as I don't like the presumption that the rival is more skillful : 'Can endurance out weigh the skill'

The lead up to the chorus is very positive but you have to ensure your message is the same the whole way through in my opinion.

When the chorus comes in the second line asks the question "Will you be the one?" whereas I feel it should continue to say "You will be the one"

Just my thoughts. Please show us what else you have

JD

Wow JD, I JUST changed the exact lines you mentioned last night. I literally wrote this the morning I posted and had yet to go over the little details. I thought about presuming the opponenant was larger too so I changed that. Then I started making sure the message was consistent throughout, so I actually changed the following lines to

"You'll be the one to sound..."

"Be the last to survive" (removing the "Who'll")

So, I have a little tweaking to do on the final verses but I'll post later tonight or tomorrow morning. Thanks for the critique! - Great minds think alike!

[Danka]

JamTime I thought I would give the olimpic theme a go.Can you give me some feedback.

Danuta Gal ©

Olympian dream

V1

From other sides of the world

but the same dream lies in each of you

to represent your own country

you are the children of the Olympic crew

V2

The final countdown will occur

The crowd will watch your talent shine

so be prepared and be proud

when you stand at the starting line

Chorus:

Let’s begin, say a prayer

be a winner with desire

It’s your success and your glory

You can write your own story

V3

You all guided by one goal

Everyone will remember you name

It's the sportsman’s only dream

To be the one, to be a winner in a game

Bridge:

Show your own thirst

And prove it;

That you are the best

Chorus:

Let’s begin, say a prayer

be a winner with desire

It’s your success and your glory

You can write your own story

V4

To stand on the podium

Watching your country’s flag ascend

Hearing people applaud

You’ll be a star, you’ll be a legend

Bridge:

It’s time for celebration

For you

And for your nation

Chorus:

Let’s begin, say a prayer

be a winner with desire

It’s your success and your glory

You can write your own story

Let’s begin, say a prayer

be a winner with desire

It’s your success and your glory

You can write your own story

Edited May 12, 2011 by Danka

[Dee]

Hello

Rewrite here. Something funny happened that I will share. Whilst I was checking through it and reading my meter, the electricity man came to read my meter. Get it? Hmm.... maybe you had to be here. I nearly said to him "Can your machine SCANsion my meter too?" but I refrained. Didn't think he'd understand. Anyway enough of thinking myself witty. Here we are - hope I've got the meter right. Though a fresh pair of eyes is always helpful

Make it Happen © Denielle West. May 2011

Ambition fuels a furnace

That burns deep in my soul

Belief that I can turn this

Dream into gold

A dream that keeps me focussed

When doubt creeps in my mind

And blunts my sense of purpose

Part of the time

(Rise)

I must believe

I will achieve

(Chorus)

See my colours

Rise higher than others

I will make it happen

Hear my song

Knowing I belong

I will make it happen

(Verse 2)

I visualize the glory

The crowds calling my name

Ill make this my own story

Winning the game

To reach my finest moment

Ill race against the rest

Amongst the tide of talent

Ill be the best

(Rise)

This is my time

My chance to shine

(chorus)

Edited May 25, 2011 by Dee

[JamTimeMusic]

Hey Danka,

You have written a good story. The verses seem to work well together. The metering may need to be looked at though as it is not totally consistent throughout the song. It doesn't always matter but from verse to verse the melody will be very similar if not the same so your metering needs ideally to be the same through each verse. That also goes for the bridge. To give you a helping hand just count the syllables in each line of the verse. A melody writer will have an easier time writing to verses that have the same number or very similar number of syllables.

Bridge:

Show your own thirst

And prove it;

That you are the best.

I would perhaps remove the 'IT' from 'And prove it'

Chorus:

Let’s begin, say a prayer

be a winner with desire

It’s your success and your glory

You can write your own story

I feel that the last word of line one & two should rhymne like line three & four do. It doesn't have to but it jumped out at me as I was imagining singing it.

Nice write. Please wait for a few more opinions and see what you want to take from it.

JD