Challenge #26 - What's In A Name?

[jamestoffee]

Hi Lloyd,

 

So on the read, as a member of the audience, I come away with this:

 

One sentence meaning of the story:  The singer does not know if his/her actions on Earth will mean eternity in Heaven or Hell.

 

One emotion: fear

 

 

That's what I read, so it's up to you to confirm or deny if this was your intended message and if it came through clearly....

 

.......If this is not your intended message, consider areas that could clarify your message for the audience.....

 

........after that set the lyrics to an appropriate mood and you're done

 

-James

[Asaphstable]

I don't know, I kind of liked "a citizen so faulty." Speaking this as a "child of faith:" from a Biblical perspective, we are all either citizens of heaven or hell. That line beautifully designates a person standing with the choice before him, and recognizing his condition. Lloyd Clarke, I really like your idea here. I had the same basic concept set in mind, but with a touch of "resolve" and closure involved. I'm adding it onto the main lyrics critique page now.

[goldylocks]

This is a demo,

 

>

 

This is revised again.

 

Verse:

 

I'm laying down this rebel life

Finished with drugs, rock and roll strife

Won't ride no more hills and valleys

Dead- end streets or lonely alleys

 

Verse:

 

Liquor shots are making me drown 

Crack's high crushes reality down

Paranoi locks my mind in a cell 

I streak like I'm a bat out of hell

 

Chorus:

 

I'm at the Crossing

The checkpoint is here

My soul is trembling

Trembling in fear

I'm at the Crossing

Truth's raising it's head

I'm changing my life

Or it's Hell when I'm dead

 

Verse:

 

Hard Rock beats up my sanity 

Luxury feeds on my vanity 

The Money god knows me by name

I'm tired of feel nothing but pain 

 

Bridge:

 

I hear there's a Heavenly place    

That leads to eternal splendor

Peace and love can be found

Where angels voices resound 

 

Chorus:

 

I'm at the Crossing

The checkpoint is here

My soul is trembling

Trembling in fear

I'm at the Crossing

Truth's raising it's head

I'm changing my life

Or It's Hell when I'm dead     repeat2x

 

Goldy  

Edited February 1, 2014 by goldylocks

[Lloyd Clarke]

Hi guys, must we have the music to go with the song always. I have one concept not dissimilar to Don't pay the ferryman.

Re Writes below.

The Crossing

Verse 1

Demon on my left

Angel on the right

To which will I surcomb

I stumble in the dark

Running to the light

Am I innocent or done.

Pre Chorus

I can clearly see

What it means to be

To have it not or have it all.

Chorus

At the crossing before heaven or hell

Where winners lose and losers grin

the crossing, you know you can tell

feel it now, feel it well.

At the crossing its right or wrong

I really don't belong, yet I go on and on

To the Crossing.

Verse 2

Footsteps in my head

Colours, vivid red.

A panic so consumes me.

There must be something right

To clarify this night

I'm a citizen so faulty.

Pre Chorus

What's there left to do

a fear of losing you

Another step could change it all

Chrous x 2

[Kel]

Hi guys, must we have the music to go with the song always. I have one concept not dissimilar to Don't pay the ferryman.

Re Writes below.

The Crossing

Verse 1

Demon on my left

Angel on the right

To which will I surcomb

I stumble in the dark

Running to the light

Am I innocent or done.

Pre Chorus

I can clearly see

What it means to be

To have it not or have it all.

Chorus

At the crossing before heaven or hell

Where winners lose and losers grin

the crossing, you know you can tell

feel it now, feel it well.

At the crossing its right or wrong

I really don't belong, yet I go on and on

To the Crossing.

Verse 2

Footsteps in my head

Colours, vivid red.

A panic so consumes me.

There must be something right

To clarify this night

I'm a citizen so faulty.

Pre Chorus

What's there left to do

a fear of losing you

Another step could change it all

Chrous x 2

Hi Lloyd,

 

Sometimes there is a composition, performance & production aspect to a challenge, but that usually involves collaborating with other members, but there is no such requirement for this challenge.

 

Some do. Most don't.

 

Hope this clarifies,

Cheers,

Kel

[john]

Hi guys, must we have the music to go with the song always. I have one concept not dissimilar to Don't pay the ferryman.

 

 

Unless the individual challenge specifies a need for music, it is simply a lyrics challenge. It is the lyrics challenge group after all. Often those with a musical element will be in stages, ie lyrics stage 1, music stage 2 etc or they will have a need for collaboration etc.

 

I try to mix them up to keep the challenges interesting and with purpose. After a couple of more heavy chalenges the last couple have been fairly light in that they are self contained, with no need to do anything involving anyone else in the writing or performance aspects.

 

As a general guide, follow the instructions of the first post in the topic.

[MikeRobinson]

Here's one ...

 

I just went out to get some coffee, and a box of cigarettes,

Driving in my SUV, the way I always do.

Music from my satellites, Facebook in my hands,

I've drove that road a thousand times before.

 

I swear to God I did not see her standing there!

I swear to God my eyes were on the road!

But where is God, when life ends in an instant?

And where am I?  Oh God!  Oh God, now, where am I?

 

Charon, come and take me now

On that Crossing that only you allow.

I have no coin with which to pay you –

The lawyers, judges, widows took it all.

 

They gave to me no quarter –

They offered no escape.

They couldn't think of "accidents" –

That damned World-Wide Connection, is a Noose around my neck.

 

Yea, they'll send me to your Crossing, come the morning sun –

So, Charon, come and take me now.

The flames of Hell will warm my coffee, and light my cigarettes.

And I will leave this world for good, with only one regret.

 

 

---

Whew.  Say, (if I may say...), I think that's pretty good.  And I made it all up just now.  Really.

© 2014, in case it matters.     (US Copyright formally secured.)

Edited February 3, 2014 by MikeRobinson

[MikeRobinson]

(Sh*t ... I "just off-the-cuff" wrote that?  Like, heh heh, Extemporaneously?!)    ... Is it really possible that ... (yeah, whatever) ...

 

Well, here's hoping that something comes from it.

Edited February 3, 2014 by MikeRobinson

[Kel]

Hi Mike,

 

Welcome to the Group.

 

If you did that, "just now" I'm really looking forward to something you think about for a day or two!

 

Form and structure rules were thrown out the window, but I could hear a melody all the way through, and that's a good sign, in my book.

 

Well done.

 

Kel

[MikeRobinson]

Yeah.  Somehow, I completely overlooked the existence of these "groups."

 

I only secured copyright to the lyrics.  I have no idea for a tune.

 

I guess that I've been looking at those "DONT TXT N DRV" signs along the Interstate for quite some time.  And watching real people in real bars, and noticing that one hundred percent of their attention is actually being given to that little screen in their hands ... not to the guy or girl that we usually write songs and lyrics about.  

 

(This, and I've been re-reading Piers Anthony's "Incarnations of Immortality" series lately, and "Death" is book #1.  Come to think of it, Death gets first-name booking in just about everything in Life, heh.)

 

Plus, we got the type of vehicle wrong, too.  Some people drive (always: red) pickup trucks, sure, but most of them drive palatial SUVs with stick-figures of their dogs and kids on the rear window; the one with the little windshield-wiper on it, along with the sticker that says how good their little rug-rat is doing in their personal elementary "school of excellence." 

 

You've seen 'em.  We've all seen 'em.  It's the kind of vehicle that entirely fills-up your rear view mirror ... which very-important fact you notice, at the very same time that you notice that they're not looking at your car.  Nope.  They're looking at their left hand, and "the bleep-bleep thing(!)" that's in it.  When they rear-end you, will they pick up their phone off the floorboards before opening the door?

 

C'mon now ... is "the Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everythingâ„¢" really just 140 characters long?  That would kinda suck, if it's really true, and these days I think it really is.    Did we really give folks such a powerful computer that fits right in their shirt pocket, and this is all that they can think of to do with it? ... It makes you want to give up being a software engineer, which I am.  

 

If a computer can really spell-check everything that you want to say, and you don't use a phone anymore for, like, talking, then   all of us have been writing lyrics about the wrong things.  "A guy in a (red... Ford F-150 ... turbocharged, of course ... Made in Americaâ„¢ By Gawd, 'cept for the engine and the tranny and the sattelite radio and the 14-inch speakers) pickup truck down by the river with a sexy girl – and a couple of GPS-enabled iPhones?!" Yeah, it doesn't seem to fit.  But, look around and tell me, if you can, that this is not the reality.

 

I gave zero thought to prosody, rhyme or anything else at all.  And what "just happened," yeah, this time I think it's good.  Real good.  (It's about time!)  We'll see what happens next.  If anything.  Maybe the rubber man will like it.  If he does, then it's for sale.

Edited February 3, 2014 by MikeRobinson

[Kel]

Your driving experience is American I take it, coming from Tennessee and all, but it equates right on with my experiences on the other side of the world in Australia!

[MikeRobinson]

Hmmm... is it true that kangaroos have discovered cell-phones now, too?   

[Kel]

Nup, they invented them!

[MikeRobinson]

Touché ...  

[McnaughtonPark]

This is my entry, hope this is still open. 

 

The Crossing

 

I saw them out there falling

From their silent parents' eyes

Blazing on and burning out

Drifting to the sky

Children of the fire

Banished from the realm

A cataclysmic flame

From the ministry of hell

 

They'll meet him at the crossing

Will the sacrificial young

Who are burning down in Moloch

With Leviticus' son

Drums, will keep on pounding

In the neighborhood of fear

To silence all the screaming

And dry their mothers’ tears

 

As their parents heed the warnings

By the falling of a star

The faithful will be tested

By the bleeding of their hearts

Idols will be worshiped

In the sanctuary hall

But the rivers will not rise

The rain it will not fall.

 

They'll meet him at the crossing

Will the sacrificial young

Who are burning down in Moloch

With Leviticus' son

Drums, will keep on pounding

In the neighborhood of fear

To silence all the screaming

And dry their mothers’ tears

 

The innocent will parish

The faithful will be lost

For the children down in Moloch

The crossing will be crossed

[john]

This challenge is now closing. I will take into consideration any challenge lyrics posted here or in the showcase board. I assume lyrics on the lyrics critique board are works in progress (as that was the guideline in the initial topic.

 

Good luck all!

 

PS I am reviewing the lyrics over the next 4 hours..... Please make sure your lyrics are in the showcase topic for this challenge within the next 3 hours, ie within 3 hours from the time of this post. it is now 6:17pm GMT:

 

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/34671-challenge-26-lyrical-collection-whats-in-a-name/

[Asaphstable]

Good NIGHT, McNaughton, that was powerful! And I am quite familiar with the historical reference which you used as the backdrop for your lyric. Am I also correct in detecting an acknowledgement of a modern hot-button topic? (Don't want to give away the farm here.) Only thing I'm curious about: why LEVITICUS'S son? --You might want to answer that question by messaging me directly so as to not incur scorn or voices of disapproval.

REALLY enjoyed reading your work. I think it's worth further consideration!

[McnaughtonPark]

Good NIGHT, McNaughton, that was powerful! And I am quite familiar with the historical reference which you used as the backdrop for your lyric. Am I also correct in detecting an acknowledgement of a modern hot-button topic? (Don't want to give away the farm here.) Only thing I'm curious about: why LEVITICUS'S son? --You might want to answer that question by messaging me directly so as to not incur scorn or voices of disapproval.

REALLY enjoyed reading your work. I think it's worth further consideration!

I used Leviticus as a name of a father, as a pointer to the Book.  This is only a hint to history, luring by subject matter to an interesting and disturbing history of human existance.  Any direct reference to a modern hot topic is pure a coincidence.

 

Glad you liked it tho.

 

Peace

MP

[MikeRobinson]

Whereas I am not familiar enough with the subject-matter, McNaughton, to understand the references.  Nevertheless, this lyric is dripping (in a very good way) with powerful imagery, esp. in the second and third stanzas.  There is simply a stateliness in the way that the lines read on the page ... and ... "I hear music to it."

[McnaughtonPark]

Good morning Mike, I enjoyed your lyric as well.  I wonder what kind of music you are hearing?

 

Peace

MP