Challenge Number 40- A Good Day

[ames1212]

A Good Day

By Amy Abernathy

It was 6 am Friday Morning,

The alarm clock started blaring so loud,

She hit snooze and then she was snoring,

then it blazed like a choir in front of a crowd.

She got up, brushed her brown hair,

Put on her lucky blue shirt.

She grabbed a bagel and some coffee,

As she hurried off to work.

It's gonna be a good Day,

I can Feel it,

It's gonna be a good day,

Good vibes flowing my way,

Today is gonna be good.

She thought all day about seeing him,

and the concert later that night.

She been a fan of Tim McGraw since she was ten.

She was excited to sway to the music under the moon light.

He picked her up in his black Cheverlot,

He had two glasses and a bottle of wine.

She smiled kissed him and hugged his neck

It had been a long week so they were due a good time.

It's gonna be a good Day,

I can Feel it,

It's gonna be a good day,

Good vibes flowing my way,

Today is gonna be good.

The music was grooving , what a show.

They slow danced laughed and had some fun.

Dancing close with her head on his shoulder.

A new romance had just begun.

It's gonna be a good Day,

I can Feel it,

It's gonna be a good day,

Good vibes flowing my way,

Today is gonna be good.

[jamestoffee]

Hi Amy, 

 

It's looking very good! I'd say the gist of it is there.  

 

I could only nit pick, so feel free to ignore the suggestions if they don't fit.

 

Suggestions:

 

Consider another word to describe the choir...."blazed" doesn't seem to fit.

 

For coffee, you could fit in a brand name or store.

"lucky" shirt could be more descriptive to let us know what she likes....or a bit more descriptive than "shirt" to let us know what kind of work she is off to do.

 

The chorus is in 1st person POV.....why not make the verses first person too?...otherwise it's a bit of a disconnect between 3rd person and 1st.

 

Also, the chorus like this is tricky b/c it sets the time frame....even when the story has passed that point chronologically.  Consider tweaking the chorus to fit the changes ....morning....after work.....evening.

 

Maybe a bridge could deepen the singer's philosophy to what makes it a good day.....Yes, she was not late to work, got to go to a concert with someone she was starting a romance with....but what's the message of the song?

 

 

Again, take or toss as you see fit.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

James

[ames1212]

Good morning James,

Thanks for the good critique. I guess I could change blazed to Blarred or glared That would not change the ryhtem. I did not think about the chorus being first person, so that was good to point that out. I guess I could change it to she said it's gonna be a good day, and that would make it match more. I liked your suggestions, I will play with it. I did this in just a few minutes, so it does need some tweaking. Thanks again for the suggestions. Hope you are having a blessed week.