Challenge #10 Abstract Lyrics

[john]

I think I have missed the boat on this one! I have a song but its not quite as abstract as it should be if at all looking at these posts.

 

I will try to rewrite for a post.mmmm

 

Have a read at my explanation of "abstract" to Kel as a guideline to help you decide.

[goldylocks]

Hey

 

When looking at the individual images I am not always sure I know what they mean within the context of your piece, and I am not sure that you as the writer always are either. Just like using any image ni a normal set of lyrics there should be clear purpose in your head as to what each bit means and why you use it.

 

That I think is the issue with writing a set of lyrics and then using that for the cut up, rather than cutting up an orginal piece of prose.... you have already reduced the range of text you can draw on and filtered the types of images created. What you do have is more likely to be stylistically closer to your usual language.

 

Where I think you could give yourself more wiggle room is how you stitch the cuts together... you can use glue text drawn from outside your source text, ie text to help the flow and grammar.

 

Another thing I would point out is the same I pointed out to Kel, the use of lyrical hooks, refrain or chorus... they can still all be used with this technique.

 

Grammar wise your glue text could really help:

 

"Came a horse fourth rider"

 

makes no grammatical sense

 

"Came a horse with the fourth rider" would make sense (within the context of that line at least)

 

I hope this helps

 

Cheers

 

John

This is the 3 rewrite. Trying to make it make sense and keep the imagery of the

Words.

REWRITE_________________3

Road of Revelation

Behind the millions came

A horse with the fourth rider

Earth's cities disappeared

The dead saw fire

The earth was lying

In the last sky around-

After judgement trembled-

And Jesus clappped a sound

Then the religion of doubter

Crossed over a thunder like soul

Man's second horse blue angel

Gathered mind trumpets to blow

Red eyes of Revelation

Saw Saints on the pale road

Beside a man's horse

Burning black snow coal

I went up to the white sky

Where the orange glow seared

The Son gathered the world

The lost cried over each word

Goldy

 

Edited November 1, 2013 by goldylocks

[Kel]

I must say Les, in my opinion your writing is improving in leaps and bounds. And I'm not talking about the challenge here, I'll let John talk about that, I'm way too literal for this abstract approach.

 

I ready your lyric and didn't need to read the news story behind it (though I did) to know what it was all about. I found some great things in here, some you took directly from the news story, (like a freight train) and others I didn't see in there so I'm guessing it's yours (Our lives smashed upon the ground).

 

As with anyone there is some tidying up to do and a few words too many here and there, but you'd filter them out when composing a melody.

 

I particularly liked the interview to finish the song off... nice touch.

 

Cheers,

Kel

[goldylocks]

Hi Kel

You know I appreciate and value your opinion and it is from yourself and others that I am learning, all be it slowly.

 

I did embellish it with my own words to try and carry the song forward in places. Most of the key words though are from the story.

 

The intro just came to me and I thought I would try it to see what everyone thought, I stopped the whe... deliberately to cause a......pause in to the 1st verse to build anticipation and I hoped it worked ok? The outro seemed to me a logical way to end it all, I'm glad you thought it was ok.

 

Absolutely not abstract thats for sure, I can talk abstract when being a smart ass in a jokey way, usually the guys at work do not get my sense of humour or where it comes from as I pick up on there conversation.

I think I got lost in the other parts of the challenge on this occasion.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Cheers

 

Les

Interesting lyrics Les, a lot of imagery and  a lot of emotional impact with this one. I'm not sure it's abstract lyrics. It sounds pretty everyday normal lyric writing, but what do I know, I've rewritten my song lyrics 3 times, trying to make them make sense.. But thumbs up regardless, I like this a lot, and Kel's right, you are developing into a darn good lyricist.

 

Goldy          .

Edited August 21, 2013 by goldylocks

[Lisa Gates]

Sorry to the group. Just wanted to let you know that I am in the last two weeks of my Pat Pattison, Berklee Songwriting Course and it is a large assignment this week. I don't have any time!! Grrr!    I won't be able to participate in this weeks challenge as it is way out of my comfort zone and I since I don't do anything half baked I won't take a stab this week. I have it in my memory of something I need to do in the future though...

  shame on me

 

 next time

[Rudi]

Perfectly well understood Iguzda.

 

I think John may have taken umbrage at my suggestion that the challenges didn't appear too challenging. So blame me if you like and I'll try to keep my tongue under control....

 

 

 

 

... who am I kidding?

 

Hey John!

[Kel]

I'm not sure it's the difficulty of the challenge that John was thinking about when he set this group up. I think it's more about writing to a set of instructions rather than just wherever our muse takes us. I've really enjoyed writing about subjects I wouldn't normally go near, and I've even written lyrics for a pop song (blechh! spit!).

 

Sure I didn't get abstract, I still don't, I write to tell a story and I'm not into head games I suppose, and I didn't enjoy the process of this challenge, but I had a go and had a little fun along the way.

 

Anyhoo, to me the challenge doesn't lie in the difficulty it's the writing to a brief.

 

Cheers,

Kel 

[Kel]

Speak like Yoda I do not,

think like Morrison,

hope I don't,

Write like Warren

lucky would I be.

 

I suppose even that is litteral! Doh!

 

K

[Lisa Gates]

Perfectly well understood Iguzda.

 

I think John may have taken umbrage at my suggestion that the challenges didn't appear too challenging. So blame me if you like and I'll try to keep my tongue under control....

 

 

 

 

... who am I kidding?

 

Hey John!

I second that tounge tattling smiley face!

Rudi, I suppose I could blame you but you are right a challenge should be challenging! I have never heard of this style of writing so at least I have learned something!

[Lisa Gates]

Hi Lisa

I have miised the begining of the course this time but have watched a few video clip, very interesting.

 

Good Luck with your assignment.

 

Skin

Les, another Songstuffer is taking the course with me now (Snabbu) he has two threads on the subject here in the Forums. One with detailed notes (very detailed!) I can't remember the name of it because its in my "content I follow" and I just click it... the other is "an adjunct to a course I'm taking" in this thread he talks about the assignments and he and I have run the weekly assignments by each other for advise. I will probably take the course again some time. I find that having my "grade" be 60% peer review very difficult. The peers are not as musically talented as they are here on Songstuff (another testament to the site by the way) Some of the peers are not from English speaking countries and didn't do the assignments properly themselves. I'm not going to get as good a grade this time around as I want so that is why I'll take it again!

I have read all your posts and sorry would not know what to suggest, may be we could take up knitting if we get another one of these challenges lol.

 

Skin

NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Kel]

Les,

 

It's pretty obvious that Lisa doesn't knit. Maybe she sews? Or cooks? All girls cook, right? How about... okay I'll be quiet now and put my foot back on the floor where it belongs!

 

Kel

[Kel]

I'm ain't afraid o' no Lisa!

 

She's a sweetheart!

 

And life is all about living my friend, and the edge is the best place I reckon!

[john]

Careful Kel, you think this challenge was bad, maybe Lisa will set the next one.... What's that Lisa? Rock you say? Lmao

[Kel]

Rock wouldn't phase me, though Dance would!

 

I even posted a rock song here somewhere. I forgot I wanted to put it into the song contest and posted it for a critique!

 

I don't know much about Cajun music, but I suppose as a Yankee down south Lisa doesn't either?

 

Hang on, got Dance sussed too, only need 1 line and 57 repeats of it!

 

Bring it!

[john]

Abstract bluegrass cut up? Lol

[Kel]

I'm okay with bluegrass too. Lisa has heard my bluegrass song already. I haven't posted it here yet, from memory. Maybe one day.

 

Written a waltz too, ideas man.

 

I haven't recorded it sung yet. Maybe soon if you upset me! LOL

[john]

How about a chanson dans la Francais? Gaelic folk song? Children's song about cheese string?

[Kel]

done all them, the children's song twice, although the second time was cream cheese...

[Rudi]

How about a song about chemistry/minerals/?

 

Kate & Anna McGarrigle did a great one about salt. Very romantic as I recall (...here comes handsome sodium.. da da da doo...).

 

Or a lyric where the letter 'E' is forbidden? very hard.

 

Or having first, second and third person references in every verse.

 

 Children's song about cheese string?        

 

http://stringcheeseincident.com/ These are the experts. Damned fine outfit too.

[goldylocks]

I'm taking the Pat Pattison course too. I probably will have to take it over too Lisa. I found it to be very interesting, and educational on writing lyrics. I'm waiting for my evaluation on assignment 4, so far this was the most difficult assignment, but now I see the next video lecture, the Journey of a Song, and I'm shaking my head. Oh oh, I'll need a translator for this one!. LOL.  And John, how about a prompt song challenge? You post a picture, and we write a song to your specifications. And by the way John, I belong to several other forums, and I think Songstuff, is were I'm learning more about writing than any other place. The interaction, support and your personal involvement is what makes it Five Stars, in my books.

 

Thank you

 

Goldy

 

           

Edited August 22, 2013 by goldylocks