Challenge #18 Current Affairs

[john]

Hi Gang

 

Sheesh. Sometimes documentary makers on a budget can be so lazy!

 

Here at the Songstuff offices we have been contacted by a film maker (who at this point wishes their identity to remain hidden) looking to create a piece about the Syrian conflict. As of yet they are unsure exactly whether it should be Pro-Assad, Pro-revolution, or simply Anti-war!

 

They have provided this picture as inspiration:

 

 

They want you to provide a song, a single song, that can be interpreted for each viewpoint! They hope to be able to make the meaning absolute by adding images to accompany the above image.

 

Tricky? You bet. As head of artist development I can tell you it may well involve balancing ambiguity, perspective and the art of the multi-layered lyric. One of my personal favourites to try to write. A hard one to write completely successfully.

 

Top tips:

 

1. Check your lyrics from each perspective. When you make a change it MUST not break the other story strands. ie it must make sense from all 3 perspectives.
2. Much of the lyrics can be completely common to all themes, ie perspective neutral. For example an anti-war statement could be seen as supportive of all 3 viewpoints.
3. Minimal, event based lyrics work well. For example an event can be seen as terrible from all 3 viewpoints.
4. The trick is to get the listener to infer a viewpoint based upon events and emotions based upon their own existing perspective! Of course in this case the documentary producer plans to tie it down using additional images.
5. Use plenty of emotive language!

 

To round it all off each of you should each pick the lyrics of one other writer and offer them a critique, using all your recently honed skills, making sure that your critique examines their work from all 3 perspectives!

 

Cheers

 

John

[Rudi]

As it happens, I heard the story of a young refugee on the radio. It was while driving home from work.

A young woman buried her 2 sisters and mother in just a few days on their journey.

 

 

The Dispossessed

 

V1

As a family we began

We walked each day as far as we could

My sisters and mother so gentle and meek

I had buried them all in the space of a week

 

V2

Syria marches, and Syria is us

We are not some place on a chart

My family is gone, but I am not alone

But when will Allah bring his children home?

 

Pre-chorus:

The west don’t understand

They think we are themselves in the sand

 

chorus:

We walk away from violence

We are a family in every way

We walk towards the silence

But the family grows lesser every day

 

V3

Democracy has failed us all.

It looked good from a distance

But the will of the people is vain and shallow

Only the will of god is good enough to follow

 

Pre-chorus:

The west don’t understand

They think we are themselves in the sand

 

chorus:

We walk away from violence

We are a family in every way

We walk towards the silence

But the family grows lesser every day

 

Rudi

Edited November 2, 2013 by Rudi

[Lisa Gates]

As it happens, I heard the story of a young refugee on the radio. It was while driving home from work.

A young woman buried her 2 sisters and mother in just a few days on their journey.

 

 

The Dispossessed

 

V1

As a family we began

We walked each day as far we could

My sisters and mother so gentle and meek

I had buried them all in the space of a week

 

V2

Syria marches, and Syria is us

We are not some place on a chart

My family is gone, but I am not alone

But when will Allah bring his children home?

 

Pre-chorus:

The west don’t understand

They think we are themselves in the sand

 

chorus:

We walk away from violence

We are a family in every way

We walk towards the silence

But the family grows lesser every day

 

V3

Democracy has failed us all.

It looked good from a distance

But the will of the people is vain and shallow

Only the will of god is good enough to follow

 

Pre-chorus:

The west don’t understand

They think we are themselves in the sand

 

chorus:

We walk away from violence

We are a family in every way

We walk towards the silence

But the family grows lesser every day

 

Rudi

Outstanding, just about perfect. I think this challenge is done. Rudi has said it all...

[goldylocks]

This what my imagination conjured up from the image John posted. After I read a couple of times, I thought it could be a rap..

 

 

You Can't Stop the War Games

 

Verse

 

The oil barons and bankers shake hands at a secret debate

Plotting the next power move for the country Syria's checkmate

Assad's Queen's pushed forward cornering a King in the game 

Laughter roars through the room when he's lit on fire with a blue flame

 

Verse

 

Green tanks with Knights shooting, roll in like a thunder storm

Grabbing rebellious Syrian Bishops who won't conform

Bullets rip through the air with a rat-tat-tat-tat-tat sound

Crimson blood pours from open wounds of bodies on the ground

 

Pre Chorus

 

Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie

When media's tongue shifts the blame..but

 

Chorus

 

It's not anything new

It's all just the same

For centuries now

You can't stop the war games

Who ever owns  the gold

Makes the Kingdoms rise

Makes the Kingdoms fall

You can't stop the war games

The winner takes it all

 

Verse

 

The desperate families run past rubble on the dirty streets

Away from the Gorilla's fiery shots and rumbling feet

Terror cries from bulging eyes of pale faces caught in a war

Pawns flee toward Jordan's border, escaping through freedom's door 

 

Pre Chorus

 

Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie

When media's tongue shifts the blame... but

 

Chorus

 

It's not anything new

It's all just the same

For centuries now

You can't stop the war games

Whoever owns the gold

Makes Kingdoms rise

Makes Kingdoms fall

You can't stop the war games

The winner takes it all

 

Outro

You can't stop the war games

The winner takes it all

 

Edited November 4, 2013 by goldylocks

[goldylocks]

Hi Goldy

Pretty good write here girl lots of angles covered from the secret meets to the tanks and the fleeing.

You used colour in the first 2 verses I was expecting again in the last although I guess "ghost faces" conjures up a ashen/pale image.

I like the referral to a chess game as a story line, very good idea and I think you could used it further in the verses, the pawns fleeing, knights in the tanks that sort of thing.

Les

Thank Les for your idea, I was going to do that, my husband is chest player and suggested that but I thought it might go over the board, get it the board. Any how I think I'll use it.

 

Thanks Les and my hubby.

[goldylocks]

I was not to keen to write for this challenge as my original ideas had so many swear words about people like him I couldn't post it.

 

I doubt it meets all the requirements yet but i will look at refining it.

 

Les

 

 

 

Assad? Ass-ole more like

 

 

Bang! Bang!

Another one falls

Blood n Guts

Sprayed on the walls

 

Shoot! Shoot!

Kill them all

Women n Kids

Ignore their calls

 

So this war as it is seen

Plastered over our TV screen

Pictures of hate pictures of pain

Over n over n over again

Is this really how we want to live?

 

Boom! Boom!

Goes’ another bomb

Arms n legs

Who are they from

 

Roar! Roar!

The jets overhead

Where are the people?

Wounded or dead

 

They head for the borders pursued by the devil

Victims of greed, Victims of hate

Victims of religion, Victims of fate 

Victims!

Victims!

Victims!

Victims!

 

So this war as it is seen

Plastered over our TV screen

Pictures of hate pictures of pain

Over n over n over again

Is this really how we want to live?

 

Les, am I reading a comic book? I don't know how to critique this, cause some

people may love this song, but this is what I see when I read it. Boom Boom! Roar Roar! Les, I want something more. You are an incredible writer. It's just opinion, but I think you need work on this. 

 

Goldy    

Edited November 3, 2013 by goldylocks

[Kel]

Wow John,

 

NO MORE TIME OFF!!!!!

 

This is a great picture! My first and strongest impression was this woman was telling the film crew...

 

Can't Have Them

 

[VERSE1]

Look at all this mayhem

Look at all this, all for nothing grief!

Look at all this heartbreak,

Look at this and tell me

That there's something I can do...

Just make it brief, because

 

[CHORUS]

I gotta hide my men away

You can't have them anymore

You're not gonna take my men away

They are not for your bloody war

No! No! No! No!

You can't have them anymore.

 

[VERSE2]

Hear the cries of children

Hear the sound of, children in their pain.

Hear the boom of rockets fall,

Hear the crash and tell me

That there's something I can do...

Just make it plain, because

 

[CHORUS]

I gotta hide my men away,

You can't have them anymore.

You're not gonna take my men away

They are not for your bloody war

No! No! No! No!

You can't have them anymore.

 

[bRIDGE]

The country calls not the president!

The country isn't his to call his own!

The country isn't so-called freedon fighters

When all they want is to leave me on my own...

 

[CHORUS]

I gotta hide my men away

You can't have them anymore

You're not gonna take my men away

They are not for your bloody war

No! No! No! No!

You can't have them anymore.

[Kel]

I was not to keen to write for this challenge as my original ideas had so many swear words about people like him I couldn't post it.

 

I doubt it meets all the requirements yet but i will look at refining it.

 

Les

 

 

 

Assad? Ass-ole more like

 

 

Bang! Bang!

Another one falls

Blood n Guts

Sprayed on the walls

 

Shoot! Shoot!

Kill them all

Women n Kids

Ignore their calls

 

So this war as it is seen

Plastered over our TV screen

Pictures of hate pictures of pain

Over n over n over again

Is this really how we want to live?

 

Boom! Boom!

Goes’ another bomb

Arms n legs

Who are they from

 

Roar! Roar!

The jets overhead

Where are the people?

Wounded or dead

 

They head for the borders pursued by the devil

Victims of greed, Victims of hate

Victims of religion, Victims of fate 

Victims!

Victims!

Victims!

Victims!

 

So this war as it is seen

Plastered over our TV screen

Pictures of hate pictures of pain

Over n over n over again

Is this really how we want to live?

Hi Les,

 

Unlike Goldy, I really thought this is powerful stuff. I love the flippancy to decribe the abhorrent situation. I think the contrast between the flippancy of the description and the grotesqueness off the scenes being described is of extremely high calibre and ranks with Catch-22 as a satirical anti-war stance.

 

What it hasn't really done is show anything from either Assad's or the Revolutionary's points of view. 

 

As an anti-war message though, I think it rocks!

 

Kel

[goldylocks]

Okay Les, now that's what I'm talking about. This a really good story line, I like the refrain you used to make your point with the title NO ONE LIFTS A HAND, it really emphasizes it through out your song. Her goes a little more of a detailed critique because John asked us to pick one song to critique and I picked yours..

 

No One Lifts a Hand

 

It's desperate times for a desperate nation perhaps dying 

The Syrian people in a mass migration suggestion for action use move

Caught in the crossfire of indignation

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

People scream as they run through the street Good descriptive lines in this verse

Over broken glass no shoes on their feet

One wrong move and a bullet their meet suggestion they'll meet

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

Day after day we hear the same old story

Caused by a man who spills blood for glory

Not shown on the news because it's to gory

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

Both sides try to put the blame on each other

For the atrocities on their fallen brothers

Not only on the men but kids and mothers

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

The people all feel the same exasperation

As the rivers of blood flow through the nation good descriptive line

It seems like they are sentenced to damnation

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

Is this just another war? A really great ending to make everybody take notice   

Have you ever stopped to think?

Can we really just close the door?

While humanity goes down the sink

Or shall we lift a hand?

 

 

Title:

 

After doing a web search, I find the title is in fact original, there are a lot similar, but it's a stand on it's own title. And as I said early it is an excellent title for your song.

 

Rhyme:

 

I think your rhyme scheme flows very well, and adds a nice rhythm and beat to the song, musical on its own, could almost be a rap. Although the last verse doesn't follow the other verses with the same rhyme pattern, I think you have AAAB and the last verse is. ABCBD which is 5 lines as opposed to 4 in your other verses.

 

Verses:

 

The second verse, reads a little awkward for me, I made a suggestion above, I think in the meat of your verses, you used good descriptions to accent your story line I still feel although you have some great descriptive lines, your telling your story, instead of showing it. The lines need more action, and maybe even some color, to make it come alive. The storyline is excellent, it just needs to more visual imagery with action.  

 

Chorus:

 

I may be wrong, but I didn't detect a chorus in the song, just your refrain used to emphasize the lyrics

 

What I liked:

 

I liked the story line, I thought it was creative and interesting.

 

What I didn't like:

 

I thought, as I said before it could be shown more instead of telling more with visual color and action.

 

Well Les, that pretty much is my assessment of your song, I have tried to be honest and be constructive with some suggestions, but remember this is only my objective opinion, to help you strengthen and hone your writing skills more. I hope you will take it as that and nothing more. I know what you're capable of, because we co-wrote an incredible song together. Remember I'm a novice my self, so it's coming from  learning eyes, but I wanted to give you a more detailed critique to the best of my ability.

 

I forgot to say, I think you pretty well covered all the view points from those doing the persecution to the people, to the public knowing but not caring to lift a hand to help, also the plight and feelings of the people being persecuted.

 

 

Your writing bud Goldy! I love these tags!

 

 

   . 

Edited November 3, 2013 by goldylocks

[Kel]

Mate,

 

This has developed into a great piece of writing. A couple of things...

 

I think you'd be better to leave "Syrian" out of it, there is nothing else in the lyric that pinpoints it to Syria, and as a generic anti war song I think it is very good.

 

The other nit is not having the title in the chorus. I'd keep your refrain at the end of each verse, but change your title.

 

I'm not too fond of "They Have A Voice" which to me is your title, but I'd ask your to think of something more poignant, more able to evoke an emotion than that rather bland statement.

 

I'm thinking "A voice in the dark"...  or "A voice in pain...", "A cry in the dark..."... "A child cries in pain in the darkness,"

 

 

Probably not there yet, but something that can conjure an image... I imagine a voice in the rubble, or a child crying in pain in the darkness, something that hits the listener like a brick and also puts them somewhere they would rather not be.

 

It might take some walking in circles, but I guess living in Kiwiland you'd be used to that! (dig!)

 

Cheers,

Kel

[goldylocks]

Hi Goldy

 

Here is a re-write taking some of the things you mentioned on board.

 

It is up to you to let me know if it is an improvement on the original with your much valued opinion.

 

The last part of the song was a Bridge/outro rather than a verse which is why it was of a different rhyme scheme. I wanted to hammer home the song by engaging the listener with questions about the morality of what was happening. I hope this worked for you?

 

There was no chorus for this as I did not think at the time of writing it really needed one, but I have added a chorus and would like your thoughts on it, does it need to be there and does it bring some emotion to the song?

 

I have kept the bridge/outro the same to, I hope strengthen the message.

 

I hope this is the way I should be replying to your critique? if not tell me what is needed.

 

I will attempt a similar critique for you but it may take a day or so as this not my strongest area, takes me time to read and take in.

 

Cheers

 

Les

 

 

No One Lifts A Hand

 

It's desperate times for the Syrian nation

People on the move in mass migration

Dying in the crossfire of indignation

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

Hear the screams as they flee the streets

Over broken glass on shoeless feet

One wrong move and a bullet they’ll meet

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

They have a voice

But on one listens

They have a voice

But no one hears

They have a voice

Against aggression

They have a voice

But no one cares

 

Both sides put the blame on each other throw or push stronger verb than put 

For atrocities on theirs fallen brothers for black atrocities falling on their brother 

The men the children and the mothers    

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

Listen to their cries for Gods salvation

Rivers of blood have stained the nation Red rivers of blood run through the nat.

It seems they are doomed to damnation While they watch their own damnation

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

They have a voice

But on one listens

They have a voice

But no one hears

They have a voice

Against aggression

They have a voice

But no one cares

 

Is this just another war?

Have you ever stopped to think?

Can we really just close the door?

As humanity goes down the sink!

Or shall we lift a hand?

Les, I agree with Kel, this is turning out to be a very well written, and sorry, I didn't recognize your last verse as a bridge. You have really stepped it up, but now you have a chorus and your not using your title as a hook, you've gone a completely different way with using they have a voice. I think Kel, also made a valid point on they have a voice, as being not enough. He gave you some very good suggestions, of how to give it some emotion. A voice cries out in silence cause no one listens,  Cries of silence hang in the air, something like that, saying even though they cry it falls on deaf ears. Overall its almost there! Added a few more suggestions above, which you can keep or sweep, and yes I would love to hear your valued opinion on my lyrics. I appreciate you reciprocating, that's what I call team work!.

 

 

 

Goldy

Edited November 4, 2013 by goldylocks

[Kel]

In all honesty mate, I preferred the earlier version.

 

It was honest in it's simplicity and just needed a nudge not a wrecking ball in my opinion.

 

As usual, while there is nothing that says "Thou shalt have the title in the chorus!!!" all the best songs do! (If the song has a chorus.)

 

The line "They have a voice" was the obvious choice as it was, in my opinion.

 

I thought that line could do with some "colour" to evoke emotion, not a major rewrite.

 

It's your song though.

 

Kel

[goldylocks]

 

Wow John,

 

NO MORE TIME OFF!!!!!

 

This is a great picture! My first and strongest impression was this woman was telling the film crew...

 

Can't Have Them

 

[VERSE1]

Look at all this mayhem

Look at all this, all for nothing grief!

Look at all this heartbreak,

Look at this and tell me

That there's something I can do...

Just make it brief, because

 

[CHORUS]

I gotta hide my men away

You can't have them anymore

You're not gonna take my men away

They are not for your bloody war

No! No! No! No!

You can't have them anymore.

 

[VERSE2]

Hear the cries of children

Hear the sound of, children in their pain.

Hear the boom of rockets fall,

Hear the crash and tell me

That there's something I can do...

Just make it plain, because

 

[CHORUS]

I gotta hide my men away,

You can't have them anymore.

You're not gonna take my men away

They are not for your bloody war

No! No! No! No!

You can't have them anymore.

 

[bRIDGE]

The country calls not the president!

The country isn't his to call his own!

The country isn't so-called freedon fighters

When all they want is to leave me on my own...

 

[CHORUS]

I gotta hide my men away

You can't have them anymore

You're not gonna take my men away

They are not for your bloody war

No! No! No! No!

You can't have them anymore.

 

Kel, just reading this brings on despair, the lyrics explode with the pain and heartache the woman is experiencing as she screams at the camera with arms spread out as if she's holding back the next attack.

 

Title:

 

I think I like You Can't Have Them instead of Can't Have Them, as a title it's more poignant. Just a suggestion. Definitely an anti-war song from the woman's perspective.

 

Verses, Chorus and Rhyme Scheme: 

 

Your verses build up a lot of emotion with you constantly repeating Look at all this in verse one  and Hear the in verse 2, it definitely sets up an atmosphere of tension and tragedy, and your descriptions like I said before are action packed. I notice that you don't use color in your lyrics, but that's just a personal preference of how someone wants to write them.. .

 

Sorry, but I don't recognize your rhyme scheme, it seems there is one in your chorus, but not in your verses.

 

Summary:

 

Over all this is a powerful anti war song with the view from the woman, and the camera film crew filming the appalling events, along with results of those that are the recipients of the devastating war. Well that pretty well raps it up, it's a bad ass song, and I wanted to at least comment, you're a hard one to critique, because you pretty well have it together and know what works. I would appreciate your valued comments on my lyrics as well, for I find you gave me some very good suggestions on the The Phantom Bride.

 

 

 

Goldy. 

 

Edited November 4, 2013 by goldylocks

[goldylocks]

Hi Goldy

 

Thank you for your prompt reply, so taking in what both of you have said I offer this version!

 

now I know you wanted some color and I do agree the more visual the better, so I have made some adjustments to the verses and a completely new chorus in light of what Kel said. For the challenge I have left Syrian but agree with Kel that it is on its own in the song and can be changed without loss to the general story.

 

With the chorus I am not sure there is a strong enough line in it for the title! my opinion

 

I also feel although may be not the best option the title as it is now is repeated enough to hold its own!

 

your thoughts.

 

Of course words can be rewritten and this chorus is open to change and I will look at it deeper.

 

I hope you like some of the changes and you are both giving me a literal workout! Thanks I need it lol!

 

So changes in Orange, and thank you both for taking the time.

 

Cheers my fellow writers.

 

No One Lifts A Hand

 

It's desperate times for the Syrian nation

People on the move in mass migration

Dying in the crossfire of indignation

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

Hear the screams as they flee the streets

Over broken glass on shoeless feet

One wrong move and a bullet they’ll meet

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

Can you hear their cries?

Beneath the rubble

A child’s voice

Calls out in vain

 

Can you see her eyes?

Filled with sadness

A mother’s face

Torn with pain

 

Both sides throw the blame at each other

For dark atrocities on their fellow brothers

Not just men children and their mothers……..this is just a rework of the line

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

Listen to their cries for Gods salvation

Rivers run red throughout the nation

Trapped in a spiral of self damnation

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

Can you hear their cries?

Beneath the rubble

A child’s voice

Calls out in vain

 

Can you see her eyes?

Filled with sadness

A mother’s face

Torn with pain

 

Is this just another war?

Have you ever stopped to think?

Can we really just close the door?

As humanity goes down the sink!

Or shall we lift a hand?

Les, I'm afraid I have to agree with Kel, almost all songs have the title in the chorus, if you can find some way to incorporate the title into the chorus, or eliminate your refrain from your verses and place it in your chorus. Now it's your song and this is just a suggestion But I really like the color and the changes you made to your verses. Your getting there!. Remember as I said before it's your song.

So much more description with action.

 

.

 

Goldy

[Kel]

Kel, just reading this brings on despair, the lyrics explode with the pain and heartache the woman is experiencing as she screams at the camera with arms spread out as if she's holding back the next attack.

 

Title:

 

I think I like You Can't Have Them instead of Can't Have Them, as a title it's more poignant. Just a suggestion. Definitely an anti-war song from the woman's perspective.

 

Verses, Chorus and Rhyme Scheme: 

 

Your verses build up a lot of emotion with you constantly repeating Look at all this in verse one  and Hear the in verse 2, it definitely sets up an atmosphere of tension and tragedy, and your descriptions like I said before are action packed. I notice that you don't use color in your lyrics, but that's just a personal preference of how someone wants to write them.. .

 

Sorry, but I don't recognize your rhyme scheme, it seems there is one in your chorus, but not in your verses.

 

Summary:

 

Over all this is a powerful anti war song with the view from the woman, and the camera film crew filming the appalling events, along with results of those that are the recipients of the devastating war. Well that pretty well raps it up, it's a bad ass song, and I wanted to at least comment, you're a hard one to critique, because you pretty well have it together and know what works. I would appreciate your valued comments on my lyrics as well, for I find you gave me some very good suggestions on the The Phantom Bride.

 

 

 

Goldy. 

 

Hi Goldy,

 

Thanks for having a look. The rhyme scheme is subtle, I'll grant you, and I'll call it ABCDEB as the last line rhymes with the second line, (the last word, "because," is just a leader into the chorus.)

 

I took one look at the photo... there she is, one arm reaching back toward her son, the other forward toward her husband (assumptions there, but the men have a resemblance!) and all I could hear was her screaming, "Hands off!" so to speak.

 

Regarding the title, "You Can't Have Them" as opposed to "Can't Have Them", I guess I'll see what the record company says! LOL

 

I hope to have a bit of time to check yours out today. Stay tuned...

 

Thanks,

Kel

[Kel]

 

This what my imagination conjured up from the image John posted. After I read a couple of times, I thought it could be a rap..

 

 

You Can't Stop the War Games

 

Verse

 

The oil barons and bankers shake hands at a secret debate

Plotting the next power move for the country Syria's checkmate

Assad's Queen's pushed forward cornering a King in the game 

Laughter roars through the room when he's lit on fire with a blue flame

 

Verse

 

Green tanks with Knights shooting, roll in like a thunder storm

Grabbing rebellious Syrian Bishops who won't conform

Bullets rip through the air with a rat-tat-tat-tat-tat sound

Crimson blood pours from open wounds of bodies on the ground

 

Pre Chorus

 

Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie

When media's tongue shifts the blame..but

 

Chorus

 

It's not anything new

It's all just the same

For centuries now

You can't stop the war games

Who ever owns  the gold

Makes the Kingdoms rise

Makes the Kingdoms fall

You can't stop the war games

The winner takes it all

 

Verse

 

The desperate families run past rubble on the dirty streets

Away from the Gorilla's fiery shots and rumbling feet

Terror cries from bulging eyes of pale faces caught in a war

Pawns flee toward Jordan's border, escaping through freedom's door 

 

Pre Chorus

 

Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie

When media's tongue shifts the blame... but

 

Chorus

 

It's not anything new

It's all just the same

For centuries now

You can't stop the war games

Whoever owns the gold

Makes Kingdoms rise

Makes Kingdoms fall

You can't stop the war games

The winner takes it all

 

Outro

You can't stop the war games

The winner takes it all

 

 

Hi Goldy,

 

A couple of little things I noticed at first glance...

 

The Pre Chorus is acutally a part of the verse, and need not be labled separately. In an earlier challenge this was necessary because the brief from John was to use a pre-chorus, and we needed to show him we had. ordinarily, the different length of the lines or the change in meter will indicate it's purpose (even more so if it's repeated from verse to verse.)

 

I know this challenge is very much about the situation in Syria today, but next year it may well be redundant. Not many people can think up, write, compose, record and produce a song fast enough to capitalise on the currency of a situation. A notable exception was Bill & Boyd in their smash hit "Santa Never Made It Into Darwin" which was on the shelves before new years' day 1975 as a fund raiser for the victims of Cyclone Tracy that flattened (litteraly) Darwin during the night of Christmas Eve 1974. But I digress... The warning is about being too specific.

 

Title

I'm not sure if you intended it or not (probably not!) I was reminded of the Village People's You Can't Stop The Music. At first I thought "Brilliant!" but then I realised it wasn't meant to be sung to that tune. Reading through, I see how it relates well, and is used in the chorus, but I think loses out to "The Winner Takes It All". That of course, was a rather large hit (and break up song) for ABBA back in the day. I think I prefer the shorter, "and the winner takes all!" or for the title, "Winner Takes All".

 

Concept

I like the idea of seeing it all as a chess game, played between the money men and power brokers on one side, however the role of the Revolutionaries counter moves or strategies aren't really examined. To me it reads like you were trying to merge the situation with a limited knowledge of chess. I think it's how you have assigned chess pieces to some of the players with a sprinkling of game terms thrown in. I wouldn't suggest this sort of approach unless you know the game intimately (my apologies if you do) or unless you work out a "palette" to use as your toolbox so everything is clear as a bell to you. I don't think you've quite pulled it off.

 

Story

I like the references to those behind the scenes, real or imagined, Assad must have support somewhere, and we can only conclude it's big business propping him up due to promises of concessions. Why else would anyone support him?

 

As mentioned in the concept discussion, I don't see anything here for the Revolutionaries to call their own. They aren't trying to rid the nation of a tyrant, they aren't gallantly defending the people Assad is stomping all over... There is no mention of whether or not they have their own agenda....

 

The transition from Assad's backroom to the streets on fire and families fleeing the scene is for me too abrupt. I see no point to the second verse. It's like gratuitous violence in a political thriller, (I'm sure it's not what you intended). I think you are trying too hard to bring the chess game to life. I think if this verse was about either what the revolutionaries are saying they are doing, or treated like the first verse and exploring what perhaps their real intentions are, the "story" would be better served. 

 

I like the idea of third verse showing the true situation for the disposessed. The phrases you have used are more tell and less show, in my opinion. Being third person or further beyond doesn't really allow the listener to feel what is going on. I'd be thinking something like...

 

Tripping on the rubble in the clogged up streets

Don't know who is shooting, just following feet in front of me!

My daughter's tears are leaving dirty streaks down her face 

I feel we're all just pawns in somebody else's race for the tower...

 

Something like this will personalise the ordeal the dispossed are going through.

 

 

The Chorus

 

I think the third and fourth lines are redundant; that statement doesn't add anything to the point you are making, in my opinion.

 

Here is my thought for a more condensed chorus...

 

It's not anything new!

It's always been the same!

Who ever owns the gold

Makes the nations rise,

Or the kingdoms fall!

You can't stop the game of war,

Where the winner takes all.

 

 

Summing up...

 

I'd leave direct references to chess alone...

Give the guerillas the same treatment you dish out to Assad...

Think less tell and more show... make it personal for the victims

 

I hope this helps, and it's just my thoughts after all. 

 

Cheers,

Kel

Edited November 4, 2013 by Kel

[goldylocks]

Hi Goldy,

 

A couple of little things I noticed at first glance...

 

The Pre Chorus is acutally a part of the verse, and need not be labled separately. In an earlier challenge this was necessary because the brief from John was to use a pre-chorus, and we needed to show him we had. ordinarily, the different length of the lines or the change in meter will indicate it's purpose (even more so if it's repeated from verse to verse.)

 

I know this challenge is very much about the situation in Syria today, but next year it may well be redundant. Not many people can think up, write, compose, record and produce a song fast enough to capitalise on the currency of a situation. A notable exception was Bill & Boyd in their smash hit "Santa Never Made It Into Darwin" which was on the shelves before new years' day 1975 as a fund raiser for the victims of Cyclone Tracy that flattened (litteraly) Darwin during the night of Christmas Eve 1974. But I digress... The warning is about being too specific.

 

Title

I'm not sure if you intended it or not (probably not!) I was reminded of the Village People's You Can't Stop The Music. At first I thought "Brilliant!" but then I realised it wasn't meant to be sung to that tune. Reading through, I see how it relates well, and is used in the chorus, but I think loses out to "The Winner Takes It All". That of course, was a rather large hit (and break up song) for ABBA back in the day. I think I prefer the shorter, "and the winner takes all!" or for the title, "Winner Takes All".

 

Concept

I like the idea of seeing it all as a chess game, played between the money men and power brokers on one side, however the role of the Revolutionaries counter moves or strategies aren't really examined. To me it reads like you were trying to merge the situation with a limited knowledge of chess. I think it's how you have assigned chess pieces to some of the players with a sprinkling of game terms thrown in. I wouldn't suggest this sort of approach unless you know the game intimately (my apologies if you do) or unless you work out a "palette" to use as your toolbox so everything is clear as a bell to you. I don't think you've quite pulled it off.

 

Story

I like the references to those behind the scenes, real or imagined, Assad must have support somewhere, and we can only conclude it's big business propping him up due to promises of concessions. Why else would anyone support him?

 

As mentioned in the concept discussion, I don't see anything here for the Revolutionaries to call their own. They aren't trying to rid the nation of a tyrant, they aren't gallantly defending the people Assad is stomping all over... There is no mention of whether or not they have their own agenda....

 

The transition from Assad's backroom to the streets on fire and families fleeing the scene is for me too abrupt. I see no point to the second verse. It's like gratuitous violence in a political thriller, (I'm sure it's not what you intended). I think you are trying too hard to bring the chess game to life. I think if this verse was about either what the revolutionaries are saying they are doing, or treated like the first verse and exploring what perhaps their real intentions are, the "story" would be better served. 

 

I like the idea of third verse showing the true situation for the disposessed. The phrases you have used are more tell and less show, in my opinion. Being third person or further beyond doesn't really allow the listener to feel what is going on. I'd be thinking something like...

 

Tripping on the rubble in the clogged up streets

Don't know who is shooting, just following feet in front of me!

My daughter's tears are leaving dirty streaks down her face 

I feel we're all just pawns in somebody else's race for the tower...

 

Something like this will personalise the ordeal the dispossed are going through.

 

 

The Chorus

 

I think the third and fourth lines are redundant; that statement doesn't add anything to the point you are making, in my opinion.

 

Here is my thought for a more condensed chorus...

 

It's not anything new!

It's always been the same!

Who ever owns the gold

Makes the nations rise,

Or the kingdoms fall!

You can't stop the game of war,

Where the winner takes all.

 

 

Summing up...

 

I'd leave direct references to chess alone...

Give the guerillas the same treatment you dish out to Assad...

Think less tell and more show... make it personal for the victims

 

I hope this helps, and it's just my thoughts after all. 

 

Cheers,

Kel

Gee Kel, thank you for such an in depth critique, I didn't expect that. I hoped you would just make a few comments, but you gave me a lot to think about. I was trying to write the chess idea metaphorically, but I guess. I should have left in the first verse. I hoped you would understand when the King was cornered and checkmated and lit on fire that was a subtle way of saying the barons and bankers decided on war.and that Assad would attack his own people. But I guess it just didn't come across clear enough. I like your idea for the chorus, but shouldn't the title repeat in the chorus?.Also I wasn't sure how to write this in the first person, but now I'll try to revise it  I do like the first verse, but I'll have to figure out how to make the transition from it to the second verse smoothly. Before I do any rewriting I'm going to take my time and look at it long and hard. After all there is no hurry.

 

 

Goldy

 

I love these art stamps !

Edited November 5, 2013 by goldylocks

[Kel]

Gee Kel, thank you for such an in depth critique, I didn't expect that. I hoped you would just make a few comments, but you gave me a lot to think about. I was trying to write the chess idea metaphorically, but I guess. I should have left in the first verse. I hoped you would understand when the King was cornered and checkmated and lit on fire that was a subtle way of saying the barons and bankers decided on war.and that Assad would attack his own people. But I guess it just didn't come across clear enough. I like your idea for the chorus, but shouldn't the title repeat in the chorus?.Also I wasn't sure how to write this in the first person, but now I'll try to revise it  I do like the first verse, but I'll have to figure out how to make the transition from it to the second verse smoothly. Before I do any rewriting I'm going to take my time and look at it long and hard. After all there is no hurry.

 

 

Goldy

 

I love these art stamps !

Hi Goldy,

 

I'd only have the third verse in the first person... it would, in my opinion, create a very powerful feeling, to have the first two verses talking about the players, and the third verse from the point of view of the victims, rather than about the victims. Just my thoughts...

 

You are most welcome, by the way.

Kel

[goldylocks]

New rewrite, thanks to Kel, and Les's  helpful suggestions and kind hearts. I want to thank you both for your incredible reviews.


You Can't Stop the War Games


Verse

Oil barons and bankers shake hands on Syria's fate
Plotting against the revolutionists with high stakes 
Assad's gold bribe is piled on the table for the win 

Laughter fills the air when war is ordered to begin

 

Verse

 

Tanks with dark soldiers, roll in like a dessert storm
Grabbing Syrian rebels who just won't conform
Bullets rip through the air with a rat-tat-tat-tat sound
Blood pours from wounds of bodies on the ground

Pre Chorus

Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie
When media's tongue shifts the blame..but

 

Chorus

 
It's not anything new

It's always been the same

All through history

You can't stop the war games

 

Kingdoms will rise

And kingdoms will fall

You can't stop the war games,

Where the winner takes all  

 

Bridge

I'm tripping on rubble running on torn streets
Streams of fear pour down my son's cheeks

My heart's on fire escaping this horror 

Shots whizz by, fleeing to Jordan's door 

Pre Chorus

Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie
When media's tongue shifts the blame..but

 

Chorus

 
It's not anything new

It's always been the same

All through history

You can't stop the war games

 

Kingdoms will rise

And kingdoms will fall

You can't stop the war games,

Where the winner takes all  
 

Outro

You can't stop the war games

Where the winner takes all

 

Edited November 8, 2013 by goldylocks

[goldylocks]

Hi Goldy

 

I have tried to do a critique for your song which I must say is the hardest thing I have done involving song writing! really not my cup of tea. This is of course just my opinion as I read it and hope there may be something amongst my ramblings that make sense!

 

Overall

 

I like the ideas you have from the back room deals to the conflict to the people trying to escape, overall a very good approach! It makes the story flow but as Kel mentioned may be a bit to abruptly from V1 to V2 but I think V2 to V3 is fine.

 

 

Summary

 

I think the verses could express the same sentiment in fewer words? It is good to have visuals like colour but they must flow and not appear forced.

Funny you have pointed out that I do the opposite to some extent and not have enough!

 

The use of chess as reference is very hard to put in to practice although like I said in my other post I like the idea and I do, it just is not working across the whole song!

 

The chorus has a very odd structure ABCBDEFB, as I try to sing it I find it a little disjointed?

 

I think shortening the chorus and may be using some of the lines minus the “they play the war game†so 4 lines or add to it as a bridge may work well, keep what you want to say but separate to the chorus.

 

I like the inference of the pre chorus running in to the chorus of how the media can manipulate our views of stories we hear or read and I think that is very well presented to us.

 

 

​I feel the last verse needs some work to make it smoother but I have not made any suggestions as I am not trying to change your song to how I would put things just point out what stands out for me.

 

I have put some suggestions as I read it to try and highlight what I may not have got across to well in my summary.

 

 

This is not something I feel I am good at, so if the way I have put ideas and my thoughts seem a tad blunt please forgive me as nothing bad is intended.

 

 

The War Game

 

Verse

 

The oil barons and bankers shake hands at a secret debate

The oil barons and bankers shake hands on Syria’s fate

Plotting the next power move for the country Syria's checkmate

A deal is done, a power move, a country caught in stalemate (the game is not over so checkmate may be a bit presumptuous?)

Assad's Queen's pushed forward cornering a King in the game (no reference to what her queen/s are as in V2 tanks/knights)

Assad’s Queen pushes forward in an attempt to trap their King 

 

Laughter roars through the room when he's lit on fire with a blue flame  (To me this line conjures up an image of portly bankers n barons leaning back laughing as they puff on fat cigars! But the “when he's lit on fire with a blue flame †does not make to much sense to me and it feels very forced to get the colour involved, I know what you are after doing but it needs to flow a bit more freely)

Laughter roars throughout the room at the riches it could bring ( I have not used color but possibly gold could be used)

 

Verse

 

Green tanks with Knights shooting, roll in like a thunder storm

Tanks of green with knights of black roll like a desert storm

(the use of black infers evil and desert storm refers to the sand as they are in that sort of region and also tanks stirring up the dust/sand in clouds)

Grabbing rebellious Syrian Bishops who won't conform

 

Bullets rip through the air with a rat-tat-tat-tat-tat sound  (good descriptive line)

 

Crimson blood pours from open wounds of bodies on the ground  (This line I feel is over expressed? By that I mean to many references and nothing left to the imagination of the listener, and again adding “crimson†is very descriptive but not needed in my mind as everyone knows blood is red so it is sort of redundant?)

 

Pre Chorus

 

Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie

When the media's tongue shifts the blame..but

 

Chorus

 

It's not anything new

It's all just the same

For centuries now

They play the war game        

Who ever owns all the gold

Makes the Kingdoms rise

Makes the Kingdoms fall

They play the war game

And the winner takes it all

 

 

Verse

 

The desperate families run past rubble on the dirty streets

Away from the Gorilla's fiery shots and rumbling feet

Terror cries from bulging eyes of pale faces caught in a war

Pawns flee toward Jordan's border, escaping through freedom's door 

 

Pre Chorus

 

Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie

When the media's tongue shifts the blame... but

 

Chorus

 

It's not anything new                      A       That’s not anything new

It's all just the same                        B       It always been the same

For centuries now                          C      Throughout mans history

They play the game                       B       They play the game     

                                                          B       The war game   (this could be sung stronger than the rest to emphasize the title?)

 

Possibly use as a bridge

 

Whoever owns all the gold           

Makes Kingdoms rise          

Makes Kingdoms fall                     

And the winner takes it all             

 

Outro

 

They play the war game

And the winner takes it all

Les, you did a marvelous critique, and I used some of your suggestions. It's always great when you can get a different perspective from another point of view, and you helped a lot. My rewrite is above this post. Chorus is abcb abcb much better I think

 

 

Goldy

Edited November 5, 2013 by goldylocks