Challenge #18 Current Affairs

[Rudi]

Please guys, accept my sincere appologies for my lack of critiques on #18.

 

I started out doing one and then became overwhelmed by the influx.

 

It might be hard but its generated lots of ideas & loads of discussion.

 

 

Johns remit of a tri-theme that could be viewed differently by those of different allegiances was hard and most of us failed it to some extent. It was the sort of song approach that John himself would take. He is therefore the logical one to oversee what we have done here.

[goldylocks]

Heres a rewrite keeping in touch with my 1st chorus, I hope I have added a bit more emotion to it?

 

cheers

 

Les

 

They Have A Voice

 

It's desperate times for the Syrian nation

People on the move in mass migration

Dying in the crossfire of indignation

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

Hear the screams as they flee the streets

Over broken glass on shoeless feet

One wrong move and a bullet they’ll meet

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

They have a voice

But no one listens

They have a dream

But no one cares

A child lies

Neath the rubble

A mother cries

Out in despair

 

 

Both sides throw the blame at each other

For dark atrocities on their brothers

Not just men the children and mothers

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

Listen to their cries for Gods salvation

Rivers run red throughout the nation

Trapped in a spiral of self damnation

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

They have a voice

But no one listens

They have a dream

But no one cares

 

A child lies

Neath the rubble

A mother cries

Out in despair

 

 

Is this just another war?

Have you ever stopped to think?

Can we really just close the door?

As humanity goes down the sink!

Or shall we lift a hand?

Les, this is soooooo good, you brought the story to life. Your images blaze heartache and despair! I love your chorus! Simple but to the point. great rewrite, 100 times better.

 

Goldy

Edited November 5, 2013 by goldylocks

[Kel]

Thanks for your help guys, I will try and get something done for Kels song I think I need the practice with detailed critique.If thats ok Kel?

 

Les

please do

:-)

[Kel]

Heres a rewrite keeping in touch with my 1st chorus, I hope I have added a bit more emotion to it?

 

cheers

 

Les

 

They Have A Voice

 

It's desperate times for the Syrian nation

People on the move in mass migration

Dying in the crossfire of indignation

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

Hear the screams as they flee the streets

Over broken glass on shoeless feet

One wrong move and a bullet they’ll meet

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

They have a voice

But no one listens

They have a dream

But no one cares

A child lies

Neath the rubble

A mother cries

Out in despair

 

 

Both sides throw the blame at each other

For dark atrocities on their brothers

Not just men the children and mothers

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

Listen to their cries for Gods salvation

Rivers run red throughout the nation

Trapped in a spiral of self damnation

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain

 

They have a voice

But no one listens

They have a dream

But no one cares

 

A child lies

Neath the rubble

A mother cries

Out in despair

 

 

Is this just another war?

Have you ever stopped to think?

Can we really just close the door?

As humanity goes down the sink!

Or shall we lift a hand?

Hi Les,

 

I was able to sing along to this easily, as it has a nice consistent meter and rhythm to it. Well done.

 

It's not a nit, or by any means a fault, but I offer I thought, and that is to somehow end the first lines of each of your stanzas to a rhyme with "pain" giving an ABBA rhyme scheme for all the verses. As I said, not an important thing, but worth thinking about..

 

eg:

 

It's desperate times on the Syrian plains.

People on the move in mass migration,

Dying in the crossfire of indignation;

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain.

 

Hear the screams as they run once again.

Over broken glass on shoeless feet,

One wrong move and a bullet they’ll meet;

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain.

 

Both sides throw the other the blame.

For dark atrocities on their brothers,

Not just men the children and mothers;

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain.

 

Listen to their crying for their Gods in vain.

Rivers run red throughout the nation,

Trapped in a spiral of self damnation;

Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain.

 

Have I told you recently how much I think your writing has improved?

 

Cheers,

Kel

[Kel]

New rewrite, thanks to Kel, and Les's  helpful suggestions and kind hearts. I want to thank you both for your incredible reviews.

You Can't Stop the War Games

Verse

The oil barons and bankers shake hands on Syria's fate

Plotting the next power move for the country's stalemate

Assad's Queen's pushed forward to try to trap their King

Laughter roars in the air when they order war to begin

 

Verse

 

Tanks with black knights, roll in like a dessert storm

Grabbing Syrian Bishops who won't conform

Bullets rip through the air with a rat-tat-tat-tat-tat sound

Blood pours from open wounds of bodies on the ground

Pre Chorus

Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie

When media's tongue shifts the blame..but

 

Chorus

 

It's not anything new

It's always been the same

All through history

You can't stop the war games

 

Kingdoms will rise

And kingdoms will fall

You can't stop the war games,

Where the winner takes all  

 

Verse

I'm tripping over stone rubble running on torn streets

Streams of terror pour down my son's gritty cheeks

Heartache is eating me alive escaping this horror 

Shots whizz by our heads fleeing to Jordan's door 

Pre Chorus

Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie

When media's tongue shifts the blame..but

 

Chorus

 

It's not anything new

It's always been the same

All through history

You can't stop the war games

 

Kingdoms will rise

And kingdoms will fall

You can't stop the war games,

Where the winner takes all  

 

Outro

You can't stop the war games

Where the winner takes all

 

Hi Sandy,

 

I like your new chorus, I think it works well.

 

I'm still thinking the chess references seem forced, and somewhat out of kilter.

 

ie:

The oil barons and bankers shake hands on Syria's fate     

Plotting the next power move for the country's stalemate

Assad's Queen's pushed forward to try to trap their King     

Laughter roars in the air when they order war to begin

 

What this verse is actually saying is that Assad is trying to put himself into a position of power over the Oil Barons and Bankers, and laughter fills the air when the Oil Barons and Bankers decide to declar war on Assad.

 

I'm pretty sure that is not what you mean though.

 

The meaning above is conveyed because you haven't introduced the other side of the conflict, the "People" or the "Revolution" whatever you wish to call it.

 

I think you will convey the point I think you want to make better if

 

V1

Introduce the oil barons and international banks as supporters for Assad

They make their deals: concessions, tax breaks etc in exchange for funding Assad's use of the military

 

V2

Introduce the other side... how do you see the "revolutionaries"? Are they 'freedom fighters" standing up for the rights of the people, or are they terrorists looking to topple the righteous government for their own political/power/monetary agenda?

However you see it, explain it and what they stand for

 

V3

As you have done, the victim in the street... doesn't really care who shoots the bullet, they'll end up just as dead from either side.

 

Chorus - the timeless futility of it all... as you have done.

 

Once you know who your antagonists are, you can see if a chess game is a viable way of describing their conflict...personally, I don't because a chess game is between two opponents, and here you really have three interested parties - Assad, The Revolutionaries and the Victims... but that's my view of it.

 

Hope this helps further.

 

Cheers,

Kel

[goldylocks]

Hi Sandy,

 

I like your new chorus, I think it works well.

 

I'm still thinking the chess references seem forced, and somewhat out of kilter.

 

ie:

The oil barons and bankers shake hands on Syria's fate     

Plotting the next power move for the country's stalemate

Assad's Queen's pushed forward to try to trap their King     

Laughter roars in the air when they order war to begin

 

What this verse is actually saying is that Assad is trying to put himself into a position of power over the Oil Barons and Bankers, and laughter fills the air when the Oil Barons and Bankers decide to declar war on Assad.

 

I'm pretty sure that is not what you mean though.

 

The meaning above is conveyed because you haven't introduced the other side of the conflict, the "People" or the "Revolution" whatever you wish to call it.

 

I think you will convey the point I think you want to make better if

 

V1

Introduce the oil barons and international banks as supporters for Assad

They make their deals: concessions, tax breaks etc in exchange for funding Assad's use of the military

 

V2

Introduce the other side... how do you see the "revolutionaries"? Are they 'freedom fighters" standing up for the rights of the people, or are they terrorists looking to topple the righteous government for their own political/power/monetary agenda?

However you see it, explain it and what they stand for

 

V3

As you have done, the victim in the street... doesn't really care who shoots the bullet, they'll end up just as dead from either side.

 

Chorus - the timeless futility of it all... as you have done.

 

Once you know who your antagonists are, you can see if a chess game is a viable way of describing their conflict...personally, I don't because a chess game is between two opponents, and here you really have three interested parties - Assad, The Revolutionaries and the Victims... but that's my view of it.

 

Hope this helps further.

 

Cheers,

Kel

Thank you Kel for being a mentor. I listened to you and got rid of the chess it just wasn't working and I could not figure out how to make it make sense. I rewrote the first verse and eliminated all the references to the chess game. Now does it make more sense? This is the hardest challenge yet. .LOL

 

Now I have the revolutionist standing up for freedom, the victim running toward Jordan to escape hell. The media who twists the truth for money, plus the bankers and oil barons who are bribed by Assad. So that's 4 points of view, isn't it?

 

 

You Can't Stop the War Games

Verse

Oil barons and bankers shake hands on Syria's fate

Plotting against the revolutionists with high stakes 

Assad's gold bribe is piled on the table for the win 

Laughter breaks out when war is ordered to begin

 

Verse

 

Tanks with soldiers roll in like a dessert storm

Shooting rebels standing for freedom's platform 

Bullets rip through the air with a rat-tat-tat- sound

Blood pours from wounds of bodies on the ground

Pre Chorus

Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie

When media's tongue shifts the blame..but

 

Chorus

 

It's not anything new

It's always been the same

All through history

You can't stop the war games

 

Kingdoms will rise

And kingdoms will fall

You can't stop the war games,

Where the winner takes all  

 

Verse

I'm tripping over rubble running on torn streets

Streams of fear pour down my son's gritty cheeks

Despair is eating me alive as we escape this horror 

Shots whizz by our heads fleeing to Jordan's door 

Pre Chorus

Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie

When media's tongue shifts the blame..but

 

Chorus

 

It's not anything new

It's always been the same

All through history

You can't stop the war games

 

Kingdoms will rise

And kingdoms will fall

You can't stop the war games,

Where the winner takes all  

 

Outro

You can't stop the war games

Where the winner takes all

Edited November 6, 2013 by goldylocks

[goldylocks]

Les, I changed the whole song and got rid of the chess game, it just wasn't working.

 

Thanks to Kel, pointed it out only 2 play chess.

 

Goldy

[Kel]

Hi Sandy,

 

Verse

Oil barons and bankers shake hands on Syria's fate
Plotting against the revolutionists with high stakes
Assad's gold bribe is piled on the table for the win

Laughter breaks out when war is ordered to begin

 

 

I think this is a good explanation of your views regarding the game Assad is playing. My only nit here is in your second line...

 

View 1 - Syllable counts

V1 Plotting against the revolutionists with high stakes  13

V2 Shooting rebels standing for freedom's platform      11

V3 Streams of fear pour down my son's gritty cheeks   10

 

You can see your first verse has 2 more syllables than the second verse. I wouldn't compare so much with the third as that is a totally different feel anyway, but here for the comparison.

 

View 2 - Where the syllables are...

      1-   2     3-4        5   6-7- 8-9- 10   11    12    13  

V1 Plotting against the revolutionists with high stakes 13

      1-     2     3-4      5-   6     7    8-    9       10-11

V2 Shooting rebels standing for freedom's platform 11

      1            2  3      4      5       6    7        8-9   10

V3 Streams of fear pour down my son's gritty cheeks 10

 

Clear as mud? Check the numbers without the words... hiphens indicate syllables within a word...

V1  1-2  3-4   5  6-7-8-9-10  11  12  13

V2  1- 2  3-4  5-6  7  8-9  10-11

V3  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8-9  10

 

It will be difficult coming up with a melody from such disparate rhythms as your lines have. We can get into the examination of stressed sylables to further complicate things, but it is just so much easier to only use 1 and two syllable words. As soon as a 5 syllable word (revolutionists) is used, it gets messy real quick.

 

 

Verse

 

Tanks with soldiers roll in like a dessert storm

Shooting rebels standing for freedom's platform
Bullets rip through the air with a rat-tat-tat- sound
Blood pours from wounds of bodies on the ground

 

This is quite a graphic verse, with loads of action and dramatic things happening. What it doesn't do, is present who the rebels are or what they are rebelling against. In Verse 1 you have Assad bribing the oil barons and bankers for backing, but there is no mention of why the rebels are rebelling? Are they justified? Do they have an agenda just as bad? We don't know because you haven't told us.

 

They say they want elections

They say they want the freedom of speech

They say they fight a tyrant

And they've taken the fight to the streets...

 

An example of who the rebels are, and why they are rebelling.

 

To be honest, I don't watch news, I don't know the arguments for either side... this may be applicable or it may be a smokescreen...

 

They say they want elections

They say they want the tyrant to yield

They say they fight for all the people

But they really want the power he wields...

 

If you really want the graphic pictures of tanks and funs and blood in the street, maybe that could be the third verse, and the woman with her sun a bridge... that would work well.

 

Hope this helps some more.

 

Kel

Edited November 6, 2013 by Kel

[john]

Johns remit of a tri-theme that could be viewed differently by those of different allegiances was hard and most of us failed it to some extent. It was the sort of song approach that John himself would take. He is therefore the logical one to oversee what we have done here.

Hi Rudi

I am just letting it bubble away for now. My only comment at this stage is that the trick with this is to set your opinions aside (not natural for most writers). On each edit read it through from each of the 3 view point to check it's integrity. The same is true for critique. It is almost like critiquing 3 different works, when you know that multi layer, multi interpretation is the goal.

This is hard, but a very very worthwhile writing task.

Why?

Because it allows us, the writers, to move from writing a song that ips too specific, yet it still has a great deal of meaning. That increases the portability of the song.

Some songs NEED to be specific.

Most don't.

Consider this...

Sometimes it is important that the writer, and/or artist is clearly understood.

Sometimes it is important that there is debate over the exact meaning, and a level of ambiguity is desired.

However, there is a class of song that it is only important that the depth of emotion, or the emotional journey is understood. In such songs an exact viewpoint of the writer hampers the depth of appeal to different social groups, different types of fan.

This challenge is intended to make you think on it by getting you to balance 3 opinions, all of which are opposites on some level, (pro war / antiwar, pro assad / pro rebellion etc.) by leaving it to the reader or listener to complete the picture, to give it it's final meaning.

Why?

Because that is EXACTLY what happens out there in listener-land. They hear a song and they try to relate to it, from their lives, from their perspectives. They make sense of your song, for them, in their world.

Granted, that is why clarity is your friend when writing a specific viewpoint song. But with a broad appeal song across different viewpoints it is the clarity of emotion and the ambiguity of the target that is important (on balance). I will dig out a song of mine to illustrate the point. I will post it in another thread to allow discussion.

This challenge is hard. No two ways about it. It asks you to step outside yourself and view your work from several perspectives, which is no bad thing in itself.

[goldylocks]

Hi Sandy,

 

Verse

Oil barons and bankers shake hands on Syria's fate

Plotting against the revolutionists with high stakes

Assad's gold bribe is piled on the table for the win

Laughter breaks out when war is ordered to begin

 

 

I think this is a good explanation of your views regarding the game Assad is playing. My only nit here is in your second line...

 

View 1 - Syllable counts

V1 Plotting against the revolutionists with high stakes  13

V2 Shooting rebels standing for freedom's platform      11

V3 Streams of fear pour down my son's gritty cheeks   10

 

You can see your first verse has 2 more syllables than the second verse. I wouldn't compare so much with the third as that is a totally different feel anyway, but here for the comparison.

 

View 2 - Where the syllables are...

      1-   2     3-4        5   6-7- 8-9- 10   11    12    13  

V1 Plotting against the revolutionists with high stakes 13

      1-     2     3-4      5-   6     7    8-    9       10-11

V2 Shooting rebels standing for freedom's platform 11

      1            2  3      4      5       6    7        8-9   10

V3 Streams of fear pour down my son's gritty cheeks 10

 

Clear as mud? Check the numbers without the words... hiphens indicate syllables within a word...

V1  1-2  3-4   5  6-7-8-9-10  11  12  13

V2  1- 2  3-4  5-6  7  8-9  10-11

V3  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8-9  10

 

It will be difficult coming up with a melody from such disparate rhythms as your lines have. We can get into the examination of stressed sylables to further complicate things, but it is just so much easier to only use 1 and two syllable words. As soon as a 5 syllable word (revolutionists) is used, it gets messy real quick.

 

 

Verse

 

Tanks with soldiers roll in like a dessert storm

Shooting rebels standing for freedom's platform

Bullets rip through the air with a rat-tat-tat- sound

Blood pours from wounds of bodies on the ground

 

This is quite a graphic verse, with loads of action and dramatic things happening. What it doesn't do, is present who the rebels are or what they are rebelling against. In Verse 1 you have Assad bribing the oil barons and bankers for backing, but there is no mention of why the rebels are rebelling? Are they justified? Do they have an agenda just as bad? We don't know because you haven't told us.

 

They say they want elections

They say they want the freedom of speech

They say they fight a tyrant

And they've taken the fight to the streets...

 

An example of who the rebels are, and why they are rebelling.

 

To be honest, I don't watch news, I don't know the arguments for either side... this may be applicable or it may be a smokescreen...

 

They say they want elections

They say they want the tyrant to yield

They say they fight for all the people

But they really want the power he wields...

 

If you really want the graphic pictures of tanks and funs and blood in the street, maybe that could be the third verse, and the woman with her sun a bridge... that would work well.

 

Hope this helps some more.

 

Kel

Kel, are you saying the every line ending in a verse should be the same syllable count?, I must be an air head, because I don't understand, and I'm wondering how I won a lyric contest? It must have been a fluke, because it's clear as mud.just as you said. I have word perfect, so I'll use it to see if I can have an even syllable count for each line of each verse. Thanks for your patience, and your time. 

 

Verse

line 1 has 13 syllables

line  2 has 13 syllables

line 3 has 13 syllables

line 4 has 13 syllables

 

The same with verse 2

The same with verse 3

 

Is that what you mean?

[john]

Line 1 verse 1 should have the same as line 1 verse 2 and line 1 verse 3 etc.

Your formula for a verse can be different from line to line

That formula (rhyme scheme, syllable count / meter etc) should then be the same (or close) in the other verses.

That makes it easy for verses to have the same, or very close, melodies.

Of course it isn't a rule. Like most guidelines there are exceptions. Think of such guidelines more like a benefit and a penalty. Ie follow them you get x benefit, don't follow them you get y penalty. Other guidelines instead of penalty or benefit it is simply different effects.

If you said you hate Jews or Black people in a song you will most likely lose Jews or Black people as fans, and gain antisemitic or white supremacist fans. It is up to you whether you say it or not (forget right or wrong for a moment) but there is a very real trade off, and whether you like that fact or not writing it one way or another has a very real effect.

[john]

Maybe not as clear cut as this exercise as the back stories in these lyrics are not so polarised, but hopefully they can act as a discussion point:

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/33137-ambiguous-target-multi-layered-lyrics/

[Kel]

Hi Sandy,

 

No.

 

As John said,

 

It doesn't matter if 4 lines in a verse all have the same syllable count or not, but relative lines in subsequent verses should...

 

Here is an example of how the relative lines of verses subsequent to Verse 1 have the same number of syllables.

Verse Line Count

1          1     11

            2      9

            3    10

            4    12

            5     8

            6     9

 

2          1   11

            2     9

            3   10

            4   12

            5    8

            6    9

 

3          1   11

            2     9

            3   10

            4   12

            5     8

            6     9

 

It is a general guideline, and a difference of 1 is easily accomodated. More than that complicates things.

 

Cheers,

Kel

[goldylocks]

Last rewrite, and I give up! Thank you Kel, and John, you must think I'm a dum kuff.

 

You Can't Stop the War Games

 

Verse:1

 

Oil barons and bankers shake hands on Syria's fate 

Plotting against the radicals you know the'res no debate             

Assad's gold is piled on the table to win     

Laughter breaks out when the war game begins     

 

Verse 2

 

Waving signs angrily for the freedom of speech     

Fighting a dictator riding down the streets           

Shouting for him to yield as he passes by                    

They cry for the victims who've already died            

 

Pre Chorus

 

Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie

When media's tongue shifts the blame..but

 

Chorus

 

It's not anything new

It's always been the same

For centuries now

You can't stop the war games

 

Kingdoms will rise

And kingdoms will fall

You can't stop the war games,

Where the winner takes all  

 

Verse:3

 

Black tanks with soldiers roll in like a storm 

Shooting rebels that will not conform  

Bullets rip through the air with a rat-tat-tat- sound     

Blood pours from wounds of bodies on the ground 

 

Pre Chorus

 

Oh, how truth's swallowed up by a lie

When media's tongue shifts the blame..but

 

Chorus

 

It's not anything new

It's always been the same

For centuries now

You can't stop the war games

 

Kingdoms will rise

And kingdoms will fall

You can't stop the war games,

Where the winner takes all

 

 

Outro

 

Kingdoms will rise

Kingdoms will fall

You can't stop the war games

Where the winner takes all

 

 

Goldy

Edited February 14, 2014 by goldylocks

[Kel]

Hi Goldy,

 

It hangs together well... you are not a dum kuff!!!

 

One more little teeny weeeeeny thing...

 

Verse

Verse

   Pre-chorus

Chorus

Verse

   Pre-chorus

Chorus

Bridge

Outro

 

And you're done!

 

Now make yourself a nice cup of tea and watch Horrible Histories or Turtle Man to have a laugh!

 

Cheers,

Kel

[goldylocks]

Hi Goldy,

 

It hangs together well... you are not a dum kuff!!!

 

One more little teeny weeeeeny thing...

 

Verse

Verse

   Pre-chorus

Chorus

Verse

   Pre-chorus

Chorus

Bridge

Outro

 

And you're done!

 

Now make yourself a nice cup of tea and watch Horrible Histories or Turtle Man to have a laugh!

 

Cheers,

Kel

Kel, if I could, I'd send you a case of beer, but the shipping would be more than the beer. Lol.

Thanks again for walking me through how to write better lyrics.

 

Goldy    

Edited November 6, 2013 by goldylocks

[Kel]

Hi Les, 

 

I appreciate your thoughts, and maybe the chorus is ambiguous. I meant for her to be screaming right into the camera so whoever saw it would get her message. I'll see what I can do to have her tell Assad AND the FFs to leave her men alone!

 

Thanks,

Kel

[Rudi]

Hey Les,

NO One Lifts a Hand

 

First of all. IMO it’s a good write. I like it.

 

The 3 perspectives.

1/Anti war: It ticks every box for an anti-war song.

 

Can we really just close the door?

As humanity goes down the sink!

Or shall we lift a hand?

 

 

2/ Pro Assad: and 3/ Pro revolution:  All 4 verses & chorus can be viewed both ways, but the final part (bridge?) is told from the point of view of an outsider. Not a problem in itself. It supports the ‘documentary’ approach.

 

However, the both antagonists will have clear views on what they want from the international community. They are not in a position to stand back and ask those questions.

 

I dont think the bridge disqualifies the brief, but it dilutes the impact by covering a 4th perspective.

 

Rudi

[goldylocks]

Kel

 

Here is my crack at singing this song!

 

If you or anyone wants to send the music police around to arrest me for murdering my guitar i will go quietly!!

 

It needs solo music in it but I just went for the whole song and my singing doesn't do it much justice.

 

les

 

 

Hey Les, if you can get someone to record this, I think the lyrics are hot hot, hot!

 

 

 

 

Goldy

Edited November 7, 2013 by goldylocks

[goldylocks]

Kel and Les, since you both helped me with the lyrics, here is a very rough demo of You Can't Stop the War Games with my husband singing it, We need a good recording system, but you can get an idea. Please tell me if you like the idea of that kind of a tune, it's a work in progress. 

 

https://soundcloud.com/sandy-mason-1/you-cant-stop-the-war-games-1

 

Goldy

 

 

Edited November 8, 2013 by goldylocks