A Love Poem

[Alejandro Morales]

I wish I could go away with you
And hear everything you have to say to me
The world won't have to see your face
Because we have found our very own place
I realize that I see the world through your eyes
I could try to fly away with your hand in mine
You could let go and let me see the world from the sky
And maybe I will cry
I can't deny that
But I can't say that I won't find someone else
I'll always remember you
My heart melts when I'm next to you
And I hope that it does for you too
I still love you
I'll have to fly away
And see the sky from this way
With tears in my eyes
I'll have to go away
But if I hear your voice
Erupting through the sky
Like the sun's light
I'll run right back to you

[mventreeyellow]

Hey there,

This is a beautiful poem, nice work here. I really like to imagery, it is very clear along with the message of your words. One of my English professors once told me to convey a message through writing, "show, don't tell." The line "I still love you," seems a little too direct for me. I think that essence is already captured with your existing use of metaphor. Also, the word "erupting" sounds a bit harsh when compared to the sun's light. I think more of a volcanic presence with that word choice. Other than that, beautifully written.

[Alejandro Morales]

hey mventreeyellow, thanks for the critque, it was really helpful

[treiilove]

cool lyrics,soothing sweetness