Incubus

[Scr1pter]

I've seen the pain in your smile
and drank the tears from your heart.
I've run my head through a wall
to keep my crazy thoughts
separate apart.
It seems like it's all for nothing
because all they see is my insane action.
But won't ever see I just lost my traction.
I've said so many times it wouldn't happen
again.
That I wouldn't let it...

But to tell you the truth
means I'll end up just back tracking.
Because no one has the power over me
the way that a woman can
and if I let you have it
I'm no longer a man.
Either way I'm just as scared
but I'm not suppose to ever show it.

Maybe we are better off alone
but still the feeling won't quit.

It ain't the things you do
that pulls me close to you
it's just the feeling I get.

I can't explain it

so I probably shouldn't even try
cause I can't change the way I'm seen

when it comes from your eyes

I wouldn't want to
how could I
I'm hypnotized

Telling you this now
pulls me closer to the ledge
cause every moment I exist without you
is just another breath until my death.

I've always known I was out of your league

so I've settled for less
just to get close to what's left.

It's not right for me
all for you more less

shrugged it off
felt the pain in my chest

Because I'm not there yet
to be with the best

just the way we learn to contest.

Grown past the lust of a boy

left with no touch

what's left?
Change and gained trust

I've grown this much
then like a bet
I say I know this wont bust

an watched a for sure thing
teach me a lesson in terms
that pride sucks

Why should I even bother
when I've seen it all before.

Reliving the good times
followed by the bad once more.

You're right f*ck trying
lets just go on dying
wondering what for?

I'm sorry
but does that make any sense?

I'll stand here an watch you defeat yourself
and what more?

pretend that I'm really your friend

an I'm just floored.
When you remember how great you are..

But you wanna know whats worst
and guts core

than you never seeing me?
It's you never seeing you
it cuts more.

[john]

Hey Scr1pter

 

I enjoyed that. Emotionally it feels authentic, real and that is something in poems with strong rhymes.

 

Partly layout on the page, but something more than that, I felt it needed a pause for breath or two. Just now it just kinda all just splurges out there, tumbling out. That might be something as part of the song, but it robs it of some emotional dynamic, the rollercoaster of intensity, or aspects of building tension etc. It's just flatly, there.

 

Cheers

 

John

[Peggy]

On 12/27/2019 at 2:53 PM, Scr1pter said:

I seen your pain in your smile
and drank the tears from your heart.
I've run my head through a wall

The first line is kinda glaring grammatically and lingers as a distraction for me as I read on through your emotional piece.

 

I have a couple of suggestions that would change:

 

"I seen .." to either "I've seen .." Or 

"I saw.."  "I've seen.." matches up nicely with "I've run.." but if more separation is important then "I saw.." would be good to.  

 

Thinking 1 "your" in the line is enough

 ".. the pain in your smile"

matches up with well with

".. the tears from your heart"

 

Thanks for sharing.

Peggy

 

[Scr1pter]

21 hours ago, Peggy said:

The first line is kinda glaring grammatically and lingers as a distraction for me as I read on through your emotional piece.

 

I have a couple of suggestions that would change:

 

"I seen .." to either "I've seen .." Or 

"I saw.."  "I've seen.." matches up nicely with "I've run.." but if more separation is important then "I saw.." would be good to.  

 

Thinking 1 "your" in the line is enough

 ".. the pain in your smile"

matches up with well with

".. the tears from your heart"

 

Thanks for sharing.

Peggy

 

Hello Peggy! Nice to meet you. Thank you for the suggestions. I do agree, it is much smoother this way. I just gotta remember to check my work before posting it.  Thank you everyone for being so kind.

[Mac Wilkey]

I'm just checking on the poetry posts.  This one looks well in hand.  No input from me.  Well technically there's been three sentences--make that four.