Lyrics Writing Challenge #23 - Storytelling

[Pahchisme Plaid]

On 4/14/2019 at 8:48 PM, eclectic said:

I probably need some more time to fine tune, but I hope the idea is correct. Not sure of the title yet.

 

V1
London is falling
thieves steal the night
bodies of victims 
left to rot
in a darkened backdoor alley

 

London is falling
Scotland Yard up in arms
their protection force is failing

 

the tables have turned
for right and wrong
Hell burns ever brighter
for Moriarty's syndicate army

 

Chorus1
Don't place your bets
because London has yet
to play their ace in the hole
The fearless shall fear
revelations deduced
after searching the scene of the crime

 

V2
London is falling
but the fight is not lost
formidable sleuth 
under wing
all that was lost is now found

 

details of pieces 
like a well written song
where the words tell a true story

 

the tables will turn 
on right and wrong
evil takes a hard hit
in the battle of mastermind wits

 

Chorus2
Don't hedge your bets
or you might regret
heads are going to roll
Double down on your bets
it's not over yet
London's regaining control

 

Bridge
Time marches on
since the break of dawn
in the war of good verses evil
places can change
still the balance remains
between the states of peace and upheaval

 

V3
villains will persist
regardless of the risk
every subtle clue 
uncovered 
loosens Moriarty's grip

 

London is alive
the city awakens
it's nightmares finally buried

 

it is hard understand
the ordinary
what appears so complicated
for him it's elementary

 

 

 

 

This is when I wish I knew more of Sherlock Holmes.  I was very young when I learned of him.  So young I don't recall if it was in a book or through television.  I would not have known if it hadn't come up in discussion here.  I would not have known not on account of how you have written, but just that I am not freshly familiar.  I would not have picked up on Moriarty as a character relating to Sherlock on account of this.  

That being established, I can comment only on how it appears to someone who doesn't have that background to relate, so here goes....Even for someone not relating to the story behind the song, your lines provoke interest and great curiosity and seems a timeless theme that could apply to something even today.  It even comes across as a riddle of sorts when you don't know the story--a riddle expressive of something that a group of people would be able to de-code to a present circumstance.  That brings it to life.  

London is falling appears to be your repeated line, but is a bit inconsistent in it's placement within the song.  I wonder if the effectiveness of it's impact wouldn't be more if we could expect it to hit in certain places.

 

[Pahchisme Plaid]

On 4/23/2019 at 12:04 PM, eclectic said:

I know it's been a while since you posted, and you said you would more than likely move on to something new and fresh, but I wanted to comment on both your lyrics.

 

You Can’t Be The King of Everything : You said you weren't happy with this one. I felt the feedback already given should be helpful. On the other hand, I think it's worth cleaning up. The references and imagery to Wile-E Coyote. were so numerous and spot on. I could bring up an scene in my head and watch it play out.  It's very long; cut out the extraneous parts. Tell the story why he can’t be the king of everything, and bam (sorry-lol),  fun and done

 

Caddy Shack Man :  This was hilarious!  I am reading that you adapted the gopher scenario from the movie to a bee situation at a "real home"?  It's awesome!

 

 

I appreciate your feedback eclectic.  I will probably clean Wile-E up eventually as time and attention allow.  I've been taking some pretty good breathers between my songs (mostly because life demands I use my songwriting differently than before), but I still have plenty to work on and Wile-E isn't high on my list right now.   I have songs I have fallen in love with and I have to admit, this isn't one of them.  The ones I love the most get the attention first.  I've also been taking some decent breaks for social media because social media seems to have an impact on me in such a way that I feel more grounded with the breaks.  I pop in here now and again as I do enjoy it, just with need for limiting myself, so I apologize for delay in response to your feedback.  

Thank your for your comments on Caddy Shack Man.  That is the effect I was hoping for!  

 

Edited May 4, 2019 by Pahchisme Plaid
spelled your yuo

[eclectic]

Thanks for taking the time to read my lyrics. I think that my lyrics didn't quite complete the challenge, but I am thinking of turning them a different set of lyrics at some point. Your feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks

[RKG]

FAIRYTALES

Don’t believe in fairytales
There ain’t no fairytales

Don’t tell me about
Peter Pan Baby

There ain’t no Tinker Bell
There ain’t no fairytales

Captain Hook was a Crook
He dragged the man with his pan

That ain’t no fairytale
There ain’t no fairytales

What’s that
It’s a Rocket Ship

That ain’t no fairytale
This ain’t no fairytale

It’s a Rocket Ship
Explore your Solar System

That ain’t no fairytale
This ain’t no fairytale

Blast Off

 

 

Copyright 2019, RKG.

[Warren W]

I like challenges and I just so happen to have a story song already written. 

 

The Plight of the USS Indianapolis

 

Vs. 1

Indy was a brave old ship when entered World War 2

And through that fray ten battle stars she'd earned Captain and crew

Her secret cargo left behind she set out for deep blue

But in the dark a submarine near cut her in two

 

Chorus:

Twelve hundred men her compliment

Into the drink nine hundred went

After five days of torment

Three hundred sixteen saved

 

Vs. 2

When the first day dawned it brightened hope for they knew they would be found

Three SOS the boys had sent before she had gone down

But back at home they went unheard in a sea of paper drowned

So the good men all were left to swim fo five days left unfound

 

Repeat Chorus

 

Vs. 3

On the second day the sharks appeared to screams of pain and fright

But fright soon turned to terror as the day turned into night

All night the dark heard anguished cries as many met their plight

Or silent prayers in fervent hope of making all things right

 

Repeat Chorus:

 

Vs. 4

Well the next two days were all a blur as names fell from the roll

Thirst and hunger pain and hopelessness all took their toll

And all the while the sharks swam by continuing their patrol

So soon enough a painless death became everyone's goal

 

Repeat Chorus:

 

Vs. 5

Then finally a plane was heard approaching in the sky

The pilot spotted oil and men on a low level flyby

And soon the saved were rescued and all began to cry

Tears of sorrow pain and woe mixed in with tears of joy.

 

Repeat Chorus:

 

Vs. 6

But the Navy needed one to blame so they picked Captain McVey

And after all the hearings well the Navy had its way

And even though it was a sham it caused him such dismay

Eventually he took his life at home alone one day.

 

Repeat Chorus:

 

 

 

 

Yes I know its really long.

[john]

13 minutes ago, Warren W said:

I like challenges and I just so happen to have a story song already written. 

 

The Plight of the USS Indianapolis

 

Vs. 1

Indy was a brave old ship when entered World War 2

And through that fray ten battle stars she'd earned Captain and crew

Her secret cargo left behind she set out for deep blue

But in the dark a submarine near cut her in two

 

Chorus:

Twelve hundred men her compliment

Into the drink nine hundred went

After five days of torment

Three hundred sixteen saved

 

Vs. 2

When the first day dawned it brightened hope for they knew they would be found

Three SOS the boys had sent before she had gone down

But back at home they went unheard in a sea of paper drowned

So the good men all were left to swim fo five days left unfound

 

Repeat Chorus

 

Vs. 3

On the second day the sharks appeared to screams of pain and fright

But fright soon turned to terror as the day turned into night

All night the dark heard anguished cries as many met their plight

Or silent prayers in fervent hope of making all things right

 

Repeat Chorus:

 

Vs. 4

Well the next two days were all a blur as names fell from the roll

Thirst and hunger pain and hopelessness all took their toll

And all the while the sharks swam by continuing their patrol

So soon enough a painless death became everyone's goal

 

Repeat Chorus:

 

Vs. 5

Then finally a plane was heard approaching in the sky

The pilot spotted oil and men on a low level flyby

And soon the saved were rescued and all began to cry

Tears of sorrow pain and woe mixed in with tears of joy.

 

Repeat Chorus:

 

Vs. 6

But the Navy needed one to blame so they picked Captain McVey

And after all the hearings well the Navy had its way

And even though it was a sham it caused him such dismay

Eventually he took his life at home alone one day.

 

Repeat Chorus:

 

 

 

 

Yes I know its really long.

 

 

Good to see a new challenge fan.

 

Your story doesn't quite meet the brief, or at least it doesn't achieve one of the main goals particularly well (and I appreciate you didn't write it for this brief). The idea of referencing a known character (fictional, non-fictional even a cartoon) that conveys a lot of meaning just by referencing them. For example, looking at relationship dynamics:

 

I'll be your Superman if you'll be my Lois Lane

 

or you could invoke Bogey and Bacal, or Roadrunner and Wile E Coyote. Whoever you invoke brings a different relationship dynamic, a different back story, a different expectation of behaviour etc... all without you having to write that detail. It can be done with individuals, groups, even objects that have strong associations with characteristics.

 

The problem is where you invoke someone who is not well understood. The Captain who was later charged etc is not very well known, or at least his character is not (at least not where I am, in the UK) although I am pretty familiar with the story of the Indianapolis. Yes it is factually correct, but it doesn't bring in a lot of info. The story of the crew does to a degree, in that it is a tragedy.

 

A few things you might consider:

 

The title gives the game away, which is fine for those looking for a retelling of the famous story in a song format... for others it risks them skipping passed it thinking "I know that story". There's no mystery there. Perhaps it then doesn't appeal t people not looking for a war story, when, in truth, you could have sneaked up on them and mugged them with an enotional story before they knew what was happening and introduced awareness of the event to new people. Not that anything is wrong with what you have done, simply that decisions have consequences.

 

I have 4 main other issues:

 

The meter of the verse lines are in some cases not even close, which means there are implications melodically. If you can resolve them, great, I'd love to hear how you did.

 

The AAAA rhyme scheme becomes really laboured in a 6 verse song. It makes it feel longer than it is. Additionally, I don't know that it is the most suitable rhyme scheme, or at least the rhyme scheme that most compliments the subject. It also makes for more lines feeling like forced rhymes

 

The AAAB scheme of the chorus puts a non-rhyme in one of the most prominent rhyme locations in a song. Even more so, the rest of the song rhymes. In a clever way it does make the line stand out by being different, butI don't think it does so in a good way.

 

Emotion. You tell a harrowing tale with few emotive words. Here I think you have really missed a trick. You do get a few in but considering the magnitude, you could have heaped them on.

 

Some ideas you may well have considered but ruled out, or may not have thought of:

 

By leaving the name of the ship out of the title until the last verse (or by adding a bridge between verse 5 and 6 and revealling the Indianapolis in the bridge) you could preserve some mystery for anyone who may be familiar with the story, or saved putting off kids who view a lot of WWII stuff as "old" and not exciting to allow them to be drawn in.

 

You could have played on the theme of 316 saved all the way through the song so that it seems like song of hope and deliverance, in order that at the end of the song you recite the full facts to land a knock out blow that underlines the tragedy.  Perhaps repeating the line:

 

Three hundred and sixteen saved

Three hundred and sixteen saved

 

would really have set that up.

 

As mentioned emotionally charged words and phrases might have helped. Perhaps having a member of crew you can tell the personal story of hope, hope lost, loss etc that would really bring home an emotional message.

 

All just food for thought. It's your song. My way is not right, your way is, whatever the choices you made. These are just options you could consider and perhaps already did.

 

Many thanks for sharing Warren!

 

Cheers

 

John

[Warren W]

John, 

 

Thank you for the in depth critique. I was aware it didn't really fit the challenge very well, but I was anxious to get in there. I put the name of the ship in the title because the ship is only referenced once in the first verse and I kinda wanted folks to know what the song was about😉. It used to be titled Only 316 Saved. Anyway thanks again for all the well thought out comments. 

 

Warren

[john]

No problem, happy to give some critique. Hopefully you will take part in our next challenge?

[Timbre]

 I'm embracing the idea that it's never too late respond to a challenge. I got stuck pretty soon after starting this challenge many months ago. The progression of choruses and the first verse came to me in that first week but then I couldn't get any further, so I sat with it for quite a while. The other submissions that trickled in over the months really helped me to return to it again and again. I always learn something from the challenges, either by joining or observing. Grateful for that.

 

My submission is based on the biblical story of Noah and the flood. I used the story as a metaphor for falling into addiction, and calling on a higher power for help and the desire to start over.

 

The Storm

Copyright © 2019 by Lisa C. Campbell

 

V1

It started out as rain

Enough to wash away the pain

But you can’t control the clouds

And it keeps on pouring down

 

Now the land has turned to sea

And this storm is chasing me

 

Ch

I want to do what Noah did

Put my faith in All there is

Let this vessel carry me

Across the angry sea

Please carry me

 

V2

At the mercy of the wind

Where I’m going, where I’ve been

Could be a thousand miles away

It’s hard for me to say

 

I’ve got to look beyond the score

If I want to reach shore

 

Ch2

I want to feel what Noah found

When he put his feet on solid ground

Is there still a seed

Of this life inside of me

If I dig down deep

 

Bridge

The sun can’t pierce these clouds

That I'm carrying around

I’ve got to put them down

 

Ch3

I want to learn what Noah knew

From starting over two by two

I’ll start with two days in a row

Then pray for two days more

‘Til I can face the storm

‘Til I embrace the storm

 

[TRUBSTER]

 

hi john

i have been looking around the site for a few days now

a bit lost really

i love telling stories in my lyrics and this caught my eye

as you mentioned romeo i thought i would submit this

written a while back so dont know if it counts but

anyway 

TRUBSTER

 

 

 

ROMEO

 

Romeo romeo

Wherefore art thou romeo

My knight in shining armour on goslow

Show yourself romeo take me by the hand

Take me to the place true lovers go’ oh romeo romeo

 

Pots and pans and clings and clangs

And smoke to fill the room

Tapes and vids and sibling kids

Nintendo's on full boom

Pubs and clubs and ready rubs 

No Tarzan in my jungle

It's getting late when will taste

Strawberry in a rhubarb crumble

 

I got a flavour on my mind but i can't taste it

I got a hunger in my heart for mister right

Don't wanna bake this cake no more 

No i can't face it

I wanna tall dark handsome stranger in my sights

 

Romeo romeo

Wherefore art thou romeo

My knight in shining armour on goslow

Show yourself romeo take me by the hand

Take me to the place true lovers go’ oh romeo romeo

 

One night stands and half baked plans

And salt to rub my wounds

Flings and stings and cheap stone rings

And songs sung out of tune

Fits and fights and lonely nights

I try but i just tumble

It's getting late when will taste

Strawberry in a rhubarb crumble

 

I got a flavour on my mind but i can't taste it

I got a hunger in my heart for mister right

Don't wanna bake this cake no more 

No i can't face it

I wanna tall dark handsome stranger in my sights

 

Romeo romeo

Wherefore art thou romeo

My knight in shining armour on goslow

Show yourself romeo take me by the hand

Take me to the place true lovers go’ oh romeo romeo

 

Romeo, romeo (repeat to fade)

[SongWriterJoe]

I'm late to the game, but how's this?

 

Title:The 305
Lyrics (c) copyright 2019 Joe Givens
{Instrumental Intro}
{Train Sounds, Maybe?}

{V1}
Ridin' the rails on the 305
Tryin' real hard just to stay alive
I don't yet know what this day will bring
Listenin' to those old rails screech and sing
Doin' my best to find my way back home
I'm so damn tired of bein' alone.
On the 305 headin' toward that California line.

{To Chorus}

{V2}
I ain't been home for nearly five years
Rememberin' baby's eyes as they filled with tears
She asked me "Honey, why do you have to go?"
I just shrugged and answered "I don't really know."
The confusion and the anger were written on her face
She cried "Go if ya gotta.  Get outta this place!
I hope you can find what you've been lookin' for
Don't bother comin' back, I won't be here no more."

{To Chorus}

{V3}
I been riding on these trains through 23 states
Been away too way long and I can hardly wait.
Seen all kinds of weather from blizzards to rain
I been as far east as the seacoast of Maine
Worked quite a few jobs but really nothin' to show
For all the time that I put in, boy doncha know
You ask me if I had to do it all over again.
Well, lemme tell ya, I don't think so my friend.

{To Chorus}

{Chorus}
On the 305, the 305,
The cold mountain air cuts through ya like a knife
Don't make the mistakes I made, stay on the 9 to 5
Life sure ain't no party ridin' the rails on the 305. 

{Outro}
On the last leg of the long trip back to Redding town
Hopin' my baby hasn't found somebody and settled down

{END}

 

Edited November 4, 2019 by SongWriterJoe

[John W Selleck]

Well John,

I am going to post one I wrote to send to one of my favorite artists, Norah Jones. I know it's not written on the spot, but.... I put it to music, and sent a copy to her manager and got a nice letter from her in return. I really wish I had sung it but it was before I found out I could sing again, and it does drag. Link and lyrics below:

 

https://www.soundclick.com/music/songInfo.cfm?songID=4367558

 

 

For Norah

 

Her voice was so incredible

I hung on every word---------------- {Chorus

It was the sweetest music

My soul had ever heard

 

I felt it wrap around me

It fit me like a glove

She sang about her heartache

Of never ending love

I never knew emotion

Could pour out in a voice

I followed on every syllable

I never had a choice

 

Her voice was so incredible

I hung on every word---------------- {Chorus

It was the sweetest music

My soul had ever heard

 

Then my blues disappeared

When she sang them out loud

She lifted up my spirit

I floated like a cloud

If sound was made of honey

It wouldn’t be as sweet

And I would never have my

fill It’s all I’d ever eat

 

Her voice was so incredible

I hung on every word---------------- {Chorus

It was the sweetest music

My soul had ever heard

Instrumental Break

 

Her voice was so incredible

I hung on every word---------------- {Chorus

It was the sweetest music

My soul had ever heard

 

You say that I exaggerate

Then listen for yourself

You’ll leave your other music

Alone up on the shelf

The one who captivates me

So deep within my bones

No one can caress a note

As smooth as Norah Jones

No one else sings quite as sweet

As lovely Norah Jones

 

Copyright 2005

John W. Selleck BMI

Edited January 27, 2020 by John W Selleck

[x Msc]

Song Writing Challenge (No beat My apologize)

 

Who in the hell over sees

 

Shipments from overseas

 

They need fired immediately

 

We got COVID-19

 

Your the reason we're all quarantined

 

Also why im using leaves and not TP 

Hehe 

 

-xMsc

 

Had to get my 2 sense in

Before it became boring 😂

 

 

I'll introduce myself..I'm msc

 

A creator of lyrics with big big dreams

 

To spread truth n peace like covid

 

You know without all the fatalities

 

(I Hope my coronavirus jokes dont offend folks)

 

 

(Attack on Kansas City)

 

This is a story, of a girl named Dorothy

 

No not the one from the wizard movies, geez

 

But ironically she is from Kansas City

 

And see Dorothy's bestest friend went missing

 

She hurried and rounded up a search party

 

It was more like an army theres over 30

 

Who went out searching and found his Jersey

 

Its starts getting dark, Dorothy begins to worry

 

So she packs her backpack, slips out the back

 

Its pitch black and she has no clue where johns at

 

But decided to check out there normal hangouts

 

With no luck she thinks about givin up

 

Lighting stuck lighting up just enough

 

She seen a old truck on a pile of junk

 

And runs over as fast as she can

 

Grabs the handle and pulls open the door

 

Silence then she scream bloody murder

 

Standing in horror seeing blood galore

 

On the floor lies john not in human form

 

To be continued....

 

[Pahchisme Plaid]

On 3/25/2020 at 1:36 AM, x Msc said:

Song Writing Challenge (No beat My apologize)

 

Who in the hell over sees

 

Shipments from overseas

 

They need fired immediately

 

We got COVID-19

 

Your the reason we're all quarantined

 

Also why im using leaves and not TP 

Hehe 

 

-xMsc

 

Had to get my 2 sense in

Before it became boring 😂

 

 

I'll introduce myself..I'm msc

 

A creator of lyrics with big big dreams

 

To spread truth n peace like covid

 

You know without all the fatalities

 

(I Hope my coronavirus jokes dont offend folks)

 

 

(Attack on Kansas City)

 

This is a story, of a girl named Dorothy

 

No not the one from the wizard movies, geez

 

But ironically she is from Kansas City

 

And see Dorothy's bestest friend went missing

 

She hurried and rounded up a search party

 

It was more like an army theres over 30

 

Who went out searching and found his Jersey

 

Its starts getting dark, Dorothy begins to worry

 

So she packs her backpack, slips out the back

 

Its pitch black and she has no clue where johns at

 

But decided to check out there normal hangouts

 

With no luck she thinks about givin up

 

Lighting stuck lighting up just enough

 

She seen a old truck on a pile of junk

 

And runs over as fast as she can

 

Grabs the handle and pulls open the door

 

Silence then she scream bloody murder

 

Standing in horror seeing blood galore

 

On the floor lies john not in human form

 

To be continued....

 

Okay.  I've been trying to figure this one out.  Considering the challenge outline, you bring up Dorothy, but then say, "not the one from the wizard movies, geez".  So who is this "character" meant to bring understanding to the song?  It appears there would be none, unless you bring up Dorothy as a sort of symbol.  Is Dorothy a symbol?  If she is then there must be other symbolism in the song.  
I happened to look up "Wizard of Oz" and learned something I hadn't known previously about political symbolism of the characters in the Wizard of Oz and found it quite interesting, to say the least.  So I wonder, is that the train of thought you are meaning to set listeners on?  Which leads to other questions.  Is there significance to Kansas City (?) because you say, she indeed is from there.  It seems implied that her bestest friend was john who went missing and then was found in an old truck on a pile of junk, so a few things get swirling in my thoughts, (1) Is john, whose name is not capitalized (though Jersey is) a person, an idea or thing?  And perhaps the upper/lower casing of those words is insignificant, but perhaps on purpose.  The writer knows.  (2) What is the significance of the search party of 30? (3) Does the truck represent something significant? (an industry?) and the junk?  (4) Is there a significance to Jersey?  Is it a shirt or a location? (4) What the non-human form is is hard to determine until the significance of john is known.  (5) and finally, hinging this on the idea that it is politically symbolic, is it to be continued because it is yet to have been played out and is the political relevance current?  I could be wayyyyyy off in considering your song idea as politically related, but I'd be interested to find out. 

Edited April 2, 2020 by Pahchisme Plaid
corrections to punctuation