Lyrics Writing Challenge #23 - Storytelling

[john]

Hi Gang

 

This challenge is about telling a story. Tell a story of your choosing, but reference another known person, story (or stories) as you go through the song to help people connect to your work... ie they have a deeper understanding, with more immediacy, simply by your reference.

 

Referencing fictional characters, even cartoon characters, is allowed.

 

If you tell a love story, then referencing a well known, great love affair (Romeo and Juliet, Napoleon and Josephine) helps.  Even better when you reference known events or at least common understanding of events. “Not tonight Josephine”.

 

For example, if you referenced Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt, the feel, expectation and understanding is quite different from referencing Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. 

 

Yet again, if you can make that emotional connection it really helps.

 

An interesting way to do this is to use strong emotion/behaviour connections to highlight or deepen understanding as you go... just referencing known people, who there is a strong connection with that emotion or behaviour as needed.

 

For example, if the character in your story is wired from drinking coffee, you could deepen understanding by picking a public figure known for frantic, manic behaviour.

 

Try and make several references through the song. If you choose a known story, make sure you highlight different points in the story to illustrate your progressing story.

 

This even works when your stories diverge, as long as you draw attention to the difference/split.

 

Good luck and have fun!

 

Cheers

 

John

 

@Mahesh @Lisa Gates

@Timbre @DonnaMarilyn  @McnaughtonPark  @symphonious7 @Mahesh  @Pahchisme Plaid  @Ray888 @ALOPRODUCTIONZ

@Rudi @Peggy

@Lisa Gates @snabbu @Patty Lakamp

@Capo3tanya @Kimberly Shires @Glammerocity @TPistilli

@TodaysTomSawy3r

@TwistedJourney @Witness @Kristiana Azariah

@Kel @Strat1958

[john]

No one wants to try this challenge? It’s not THAT scary!

 

Be up to the challenge!

[Pahchisme Plaid]

Sound interesting... Guess I need to get my write on!

 

[Timbre]

Telling a story using a well known story is a great challenge, I’m trying to write a story song about starting over using Noah and the flood as my reference. It’s going  veeery slowly. ~T

[Pahchisme Plaid]

Argh, I don't know if I did this right and I seem to be stuck in ABC form today.  Not sure if it's story-ish enough, but loved the imagery of Wile-E Coyote.

 

You Can’t Be The King of Everything

Lyrics by Kc Chad © 2019

 

Verse:

Your jealously 

Ain’t getting the best of me 

It blows up in your face 

Your dynamite is under cover 

You’ve got plenty good to offer 

You’ve got a real creative thinker 

But you can’t be the king of everything 

Verse:

Him over there 

Plenty smart but mostly cares 

Works hard though no one sees

Attention isn’t one of his needs 

but when it’s mentioned, lo and behold 

Your fists curl up and your ears steam 

Oh, you can’t be the king of everything 

Chorus:

Can’t you see you’re only hurting yourself,

The harm you mean for someone else

Circles round to where your ears are plugged

While you wait for the boom, the wick

Burns down and you crisp up and fall apart

like a Wile-E Coyote, ooooo ooooo

verse:
Leave it alone 

Take a breath, and head on home 

Charlie’s not your problem, No 

If you want a job tomorrow

Sow your seed in self-dug furrows 

Don’t be so bleak your strengths are unique 

But you won’t be the king of everything 

verse:

You really think 

Their successes cause you to sink? 

It’s your distorted view 

Man,  your truest enemy is you 

You’re just chewing up your own tail

Your schemes are what’s dragging you down 

Yeesh! You can’t be the king of everything  

 

Can’t you see you’re only hurting yourself,

The harm you mean for someone else

Circles round to where your ears are plugged

While you wait for the boom, the wick

Burns down and you crisp up and fall apart

like a Wile-E Coyote, ooooo ooooo
Bridge:

It’s not an exchange.  Them having nothing

Doesn’t get you everything.

verse:

Why can’t you see 

Your stocks in ALLME company 

Are misplaced resources 

Follow advice and change your courses 

Rather than always comparing, 

Find your differences endearing 

Cause you can’t be the king of everything 

Verse:

Can’t you see you’re only hurting yourself,

The harm you mean for someone else

Circles round to where your ears are plugged

While you wait for the boom, the wick

Burns down and you crisp up and fall apart

like a Wile-E Coyote, ooooo, oooooo

 

See, You can’t be the king of everything.

 

Edited March 23, 2019 by Pahchisme Plaid
delete an extra return

[Pahchisme Plaid]

Here's a second attempt.  Perhaps too much to have caddy shack man as my hook?

 

Caddy Shack Man

Lyrics by Kc Chad © 2019

Verse:

Clint Eastwood cool, expression and stand  

Any given normal day 

But see bees with stingers 

And you hold a dead-ringer 

For that grounds-keeping caddy shack man

Chorus:

Caddy shack man, caddy shack man

Weird phenomenon

Where has your brain gone

So obsessive

Caddy shack man

Verse:

About to drown the bees in the ground 

When I said, “They’ll find other exits” 

You put down the hose 

went to the garage 

Came back with a tarp big as Texas 

chorus:

Caddy shack man, caddy shack man

Weird phenomenon

Where has your brain gone

So obsessive

Caddy shack man

Verse:

“You’ll kill all the grass, then what will we have 

But dusty old, dried up dirt!” 

You grumbled some words 

Disappeared then returned 

With a gas can, torch and matches 

chorus:

Caddy shack man, caddy shack man

Weird phenomenon

Where has your brain gone

So obsessive

Caddy shack man

verse:

You pulled up the spout, then I shouted out 

“Honey? Are you nuts! 

You’re gonna blow us 

Clear to Smithereens!  

Threw up your hands, Maybe you’re plum worn down 

chorus 2

Caddy shack man, caddy shack man

Weird phenomenon

Brain damage gone

Calm, collected

Cool caddy shack, caddy shack man

 

[john]

I have been hanging off on commenting... is anyone else trying this challenge? It's a good one to do!

[Peggy]

I sure want to but all I have is crickets chriping.. I'll break out of this writing prob soon..I just know I will.

[Timbre]

I'm trying! A little stuck on the progression of my story line, but inching closer. Any comments you have about Pachisme's submissions (2 is impressive!) might help me move forward.

 

~T

[john]

On 3/23/2019 at 6:13 PM, Pahchisme Plaid said:

Argh, I don't know if I did this right and I seem to be stuck in ABC form today.  Not sure if it's story-ish enough, but loved the imagery of Wile-E Coyote.

 

You Can’t Be The King of Everything

Lyrics by Kc Chad © 2019

 

Verse:

Your jealously 

Ain’t getting the best of me 

It blows up in your face 

Your dynamite is under cover 

You’ve got plenty good to offer 

You’ve got a real creative thinker 

But you can’t be the king of everything 

Verse:

Him over there 

Plenty smart but mostly cares 

Works hard though no one sees

Attention isn’t one of his needs 

but when it’s mentioned, lo and behold 

Your fists curl up and your ears steam 

Oh, you can’t be the king of everything 

Chorus:

Can’t you see you’re only hurting yourself,

The harm you mean for someone else

Circles round to where your ears are plugged

While you wait for the boom, the wick

Burns down and you crisp up and fall apart

like a Wile-E Coyote, ooooo ooooo

verse:
Leave it alone 

Take a breath, and head on home 

Charlie’s not your problem, No 

If you want a job tomorrow

Sow your seed in self-dug furrows 

Don’t be so bleak your strengths are unique 

But you won’t be the king of everything 

verse:

You really think 

Their successes cause you to sink? 

It’s your distorted view 

Man,  your truest enemy is you 

You’re just chewing up your own tail

Your schemes are what’s dragging you down 

Yeesh! You can’t be the king of everything  

 

Can’t you see you’re only hurting yourself,

The harm you mean for someone else

Circles round to where your ears are plugged

While you wait for the boom, the wick

Burns down and you crisp up and fall apart

like a Wile-E Coyote, ooooo ooooo
Bridge:

It’s not an exchange.  Them having nothing

Doesn’t get you everything.

verse:

Why can’t you see 

Your stocks in ALLME company 

Are misplaced resources 

Follow advice and change your courses 

Rather than always comparing, 

Find your differences endearing 

Cause you can’t be the king of everything 

Verse:

Can’t you see you’re only hurting yourself,

The harm you mean for someone else

Circles round to where your ears are plugged

While you wait for the boom, the wick

Burns down and you crisp up and fall apart

like a Wile-E Coyote, ooooo, oooooo

 

See, You can’t be the king of everything.

 

 

Hey Kelly

 

I really like the thrust of this. Wile-E Coyote works to fix exactly what you mean by "Burns down and you crisp up and fall apart"... but it is a little disconnected from the rest of the song to have a true impact. You clarify the image, but not really the relevance, why that should be important to the listener or the people being discussed in the lyrics.

 

The mention of Charlie in the 3rd verse just kind of hangs there. It might mean something to you but it isn't really given any context for the listener and therefore the depth of meaning and connection is lost.

 

Back to strengthening Mr Coyote. You could strengthen the analogy by referring to another character, the narrator for example, as Roadrunner. You could also speak to relevance by highlighting their self defeating abject failure to achieve their goal while only hurting themselves more broadly as a Wile-E comparison.

 

On a more general point, perhaps more emotive language would be good? More extreme adjectives etc.

 

A few tweaks and I think this would polish up nicely

 

Cheers

 

John

 

[Timbre]

 In reading the Wile-E Coyote lyrics I didn't get a strong sense of a storyline, but rather cautionary examples of what not to do. I think it can still work as John noted, but more narrative and less direct instruction would strengthen the lyrics overall.

 

Where I'm getting stuck is in trying to develop a full story arc with a beginning, middle, and end. As of today I now have a hook "The Storm" which I am using as a metaphor for addiction. The story of Noah and the Ark is what I am referencing for starting over, finding firm ground, and moving on with all that you really need. Plan to come back to it this evening and will be thinking about emotive language. Always a good reminder. ~T

[Pahchisme Plaid]

 

On 4/4/2019 at 12:06 PM, john said:

 

Hey Kelly

 

I really like the thrust of this. Wile-E Coyote works to fix exactly what you mean by "Burns down and you crisp up and fall apart"... but it is a little disconnected from the rest of the song to have a true impact. You clarify the image, but not really the relevance, why that should be important to the listener or the people being discussed in the lyrics.

 

The mention of Charlie in the 3rd verse just kind of hangs there. It might mean something to you but it isn't really given any context for the listener and therefore the depth of meaning and connection is lost.

 

Back to strengthening Mr Coyote. You could strengthen the analogy by referring to another character, the narrator for example, as Roadrunner. You could also speak to relevance by highlighting their self defeating abject failure to achieve their goal while only hurting themselves more broadly as a Wile-E comparison.

 

On a more general point, perhaps more emotive language would be good? More extreme adjectives etc.

 

A few tweaks and I think this would polish up nicely

 

Cheers

 

John

 

Thanks for the feedback on Wile-E., John  You were so nice.  When I posted it, I really didn't feel great about it--(either song really), 'cause my songwriting brain wasn't on that day, but I really needed to TRY to work within some parameters because my I'm getting soft.  I'm so used to just writing whatever I want to in whatever form I want to with whatever theme I want to, but I've still so much to learn that I really try to participate in these challenges.  I like having the challenges.  Feedback is great.  I knew I wasn't so happy with something, but when its your own work and you're spent on a particular song, space from the song and feedback from others is so key.  I like the specifics you gave.  Thank you!

[Pahchisme Plaid]

21 hours ago, Timbre said:

 In reading the Wile-E Coyote lyrics I didn't get a strong sense of a storyline, but rather cautionary examples of what not to do. I think it can still work as John noted, but more narrative and less direct instruction would strengthen the lyrics overall.

 

Where I'm getting stuck is in trying to develop a full story arc with a beginning, middle, and end. As of today I now have a hook "The Storm" which I am using as a metaphor for addiction. The story of Noah and the Ark is what I am referencing for starting over, finding firm ground, and moving on with all that you really need. Plan to come back to it this evening and will be thinking about emotive language. Always a good reminder. ~T

Hey Timbre, thanks for taking the time to check it out.  I appreciate the look into it.  You are right on spot.  As I mentioned above to John, I wasn't particularly thrilled with the outcome of the song.  I did not have my "song" on and it shows.  I'm getting soft, but I was simply mentally spent and probably should have picked a different time to write, but I didn't want to miss the opportunity--I wasn't sure if I was too behind the game.  Anyway, I'll mess up my way to a fix and hopefully get something better out of this.  I'm one of those who tends to want to move on to a newer, fresher song, than to revisit, but I'm going to make myself on this one. ;)

[eclectic]

I probably need some more time to fine tune, but I hope the idea is correct. Not sure of the title yet.

 

V1
London is falling
thieves steal the night
bodies of victims 
left to rot
in a darkened backdoor alley

 

London is falling
Scotland Yard up in arms
their protection force is failing

 

the tables have turned
for right and wrong
Hell burns ever brighter
for Moriarty's syndicate army

 

Chorus1
Don't place your bets
because London has yet
to play their ace in the hole
The fearless shall fear
revelations deduced
after searching the scene of the crime

 

V2
London is falling
but the fight is not lost
formidable sleuth 
under wing
all that was lost is now found

 

details of pieces 
like a well written song
where the words tell a true story

 

the tables will turn 
on right and wrong
evil takes a hard hit
in the battle of mastermind wits

 

Chorus2
Don't hedge your bets
or you might regret
heads are going to roll
Double down on your bets
it's not over yet
London's regaining control

 

Bridge
Time marches on
since the break of dawn
in the war of good verses evil
places can change
still the balance remains
between the states of peace and upheaval

 

V3
villains will persist
regardless of the risk
every subtle clue 
uncovered 
loosens Moriarty's grip

 

London is alive
the city awakens
it's nightmares finally buried

 

it is hard understand
the ordinary
what appears so complicated
for him it's elementary

 

 

 

 

Edited April 22, 2019 by eclectic

[eclectic]

I know it's been a while since you posted, and you said you would more than likely move on to something new and fresh, but I wanted to comment on both your lyrics.

 

You Can’t Be The King of Everything : You said you weren't happy with this one. I felt the feedback already given should be helpful. On the other hand, I think it's worth cleaning up. The references and imagery to Wile-E Coyote. were so numerous and spot on. I could bring up an scene in my head and watch it play out.  It's very long; cut out the extraneous parts. Tell the story why he can’t be the king of everything, and bam (sorry-lol),  fun and done

 

Caddy Shack Man :  This was hilarious!  I am reading that you adapted the gopher scenario from the movie to a bee situation at a "real home"?  It's awesome!

 

 

[john]

On 4/15/2019 at 1:48 AM, eclectic said:

I probably need some more time to fine tune, but I hope the idea is correct. Not sure of the title yet.

 

V1
London is falling
thieves steal the night
bodies of victims 
left to rot
in a darkened backdoor alley

 

London is falling
Scotland Yard up in arms
their protection force is failing

 

the tables have turned
for right and wrong
Hell burns ever brighter
for Moriarty's syndicate army

 

Chorus1
Don't place your bets
because London has yet
to play their ace in the hole
The fearless shall fear
revelations deduced
after searching the scene of the crime

 

V2
London is falling
but the fight is not lost
formidable sleuth 
under wing
all that was lost is now found

 

details of pieces 
like a well written song
where the words tell a true story

 

the tables will turn 
on right and wrong
evil takes a hard hit
in the battle of mastermind wits

 

Chorus2
Don't hedge your bets
or you might regret
heads are going to roll
Double down on your bets
it's not over yet
London's regaining control

 

Bridge
Time marches on
since the break of dawn
in the war of good verses evil
places can change
still the balance remains
between the states of peace and upheaval

 

V3
villains will persist
regardless of the risk
every subtle clue 
uncovered 
loosens Moriarty's grip

 

London is alive
the city awakens
it's nightmares finally buried

 

it is hard understand
the ordinary
what appears so complicated
for him it's elementary

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Eclectic

 

Firstly, thanks for posting up your work! I am sure other members will chime in with some feedback. Meanwhile, you’ll have to put up with me.

 

For now I will focus on the challenge brief rather than other aspects of the song. Moriarty is your mechanism to help listeners to connect to your work, giving them a deeper understanding of your story/message. In my opinion that is successful  in some ways, not so successful in others.

 

In that there is an issue... people don’t generally know much about Moriarty. He was a dark, malevolent character, Sherlock Holmes’ arch nemesis. The mention of him does help fix the time period of the lyric.

 

As a character, he doesn’t inspire much emotion either. As a supporting character

 

Can I ask why you mention Moriarty, but not Holmes or Watson? Also, what do you hope mentioning Moriarty would convey?

 

The mention of Moriarty is the only real thing that nails this as something of times past. I had wondered if it was about something like the blitz bombings, or the London bus and subway bombing, or even a comparison with the rise in youth violence etc, and the mention of Moriarty was a reference to bring in the dark malevolence only.

 

Of course, there are other Holmes related lines,  including the invocation of his use of the word “elementary”.

 

I will add that “London is falling” is repeated twice within the first verse, once in second and not at all in the third. It’s almost like you set out to use it as a refrain, but then drop it. Then again the sections you label as chorus have no full repetition, only a variation first line then something entirely different. In that I think the aspect of the song that functions as a chorus, isn’t constructed as a chorus.  The bit that could have been a refrain, stops functioning as a refrain... and the combination leaves it a bit confused. If the song had a clear message, the hook/title/refrain/chorus could be nicely aligned to be more of a statement.

 

I mention this lack of clarity because it has some bearing on the effectiveness of your challenge. The purpose of the song is not clear. It is like you are talking around a subject without actually mentioning it, or having elements of a story without them being connected. I get the feeling you have a specific story in mind (perhaps you had recently read a book or seen a movie?) but you don’t quite give me enough for me to either know the story having been reminded of one I would already know, and not enough to really get the story starting from knowing nothing. All it takes is one or two disjoints for a story to lose people. Perhaps someone who knew the same story as I think you are referring to would get it instantly from events you mention, but it lost me a bit.

 

Bringing in Moriarty to this certainly adds some useful information to the story, but it doesn’t add clarity of meaning or clarity of emotion. Another contemporary, more based on reality, would be Jack the Ripper. Less connected with the story you have in mind perhaps, but more recognised, more strong emotional reaction to the ripper than Moriarty.

 

if nothing my lack of familiarity with the story has perhaps highlighted that a bit more clarity could pay dividends.

 

If you don’t intend a verse refrain, I think you could remove two of the London falling lines, as if not a refrain, they are just wasted song real estate.

 

There is loads of promise in the lyrics, but still room to dig in and make some changes and see some real improvement. I am happy to discuss my observations, and would love to hear your thoughts on your intent, purpose, message, concept and of course the points I am making.

 

cheers

 

John

 

PS sorry it’s not a very organised critique and I miss big chunks like meter, rhyme scheme, many aspects of structure. I am sure we can get to those later!'

.

[eclectic]

Thanks for the feedback. First off, I think maybe I was supposed to extrapolate the concept of Sherlock Holmes to a different situation (person), so I missed that altogether. 

 

My story was meant to be about London being controlled/under attack by criminals (controlled by Moriarty), and Sherlock being the savior.  Sherlock was in my first lyrics, but my family suggested I take him out. I wanted to have Watson in the story, but I couldn't figure out how to I guess for this challenge it would be better to include them both.

 

I agree, I am missing a hook. A must. 

I didn't say London is falling in V3 because I had just made the leap toward London regaining control. I knew that was going to be an issue. As I read it again, I think it could still fit for the refrain, and rewrite the second London is falling in V1. 

 

As for the Chorus: I understand what you are saying. I think the best thing to do would be to remake what I have into the verses somehow. Which means I should probably add a chorus.

 

Although I may not pursue this "story" anymore, I found the challenge helpful. It will give many things to think about when I write. 

[john]

I don’t think you necessarily need to mention Sherlock or Watson, but I was interested in why you didn’t include them. 

 

The main aim reason for including another character or person was to co-opt their story into yours, and so you can add a load of meaning with a minimum of words. So if for example I was talking of not seeing someone’s problems, I could use the words I couldn’t see her faults, or I was blind to her issues, or I could say “I was her Mr Magoo”. You can use more complex characters with more complex stories for more complex purposes. For example, a womaniser with a ruthless streak might be compared to Henry VIII. You can involve several people, or just one, fictional characters, real characters, cartoon characters, people who are alive, or long dead. The idea is simply to import some key aspects of their character or their story. It can truly add a depth of meaning.

 

Do you need a chorus and a refrain? Most songs have one or the other. I have written many songs, but only one that really uses both mechanisms. After all, the concept of chorus grew from refrains. More or less a chorus is a refrain in a separate musical section. Rather than making them verses, your current chorus is more of a bridge section, or a distinct “B” section.

 

There are other Holmesesque details you could include (not all, but perhaps it would help). For example, Baker Street, his violin, his pipe, his deerstalker. Etc.

 

are you telling your own story then? Or referring to a known story that involved Holmes and Moriarty?

[eclectic]

Quote

The main aim reason for including another character or person was to co-opt their story into yours, and so you can add a load of meaning with a minimum of words.

I understand this now as what I should have done.  It is an interesting concept. 

 

I considered many of the Holmes details you mention, but they didn't fit in my storyline.  I suppose if it had been a different story about someone else, maybe they might have come into play. 

 

This has been enlightening, which is the exact reason I am attracted to the writing challenges. Thanks 

[john]

44 minutes ago, eclectic said:

I understand this now as what I should have done.  It is an interesting concept. 

 

I considered many of the Holmes details you mention, but they didn't fit in my storyline.  I suppose if it had been a different story about someone else, maybe they might have come into play. 

 

This has been enlightening, which is the exact reason I am attracted to the writing challenges. Thanks 

 

Mission accomplished!