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Includes lyrics, instrumentals, full songs, recording, production, and cover critique for music creation and other creative arts critique such as poetry, artist / band artwork and photography, and music video production critique.
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Hi David, I was just checking out the lyrics you mentioned you wanted suggestions on from Nov. 16. There didn't seem to be any place to reply to them on that forum, so that's why I'm here. I was wondering what your envisioned tempo and genre were for this song. What I might suggest (because you asked, not because I see issues at all with what you have), is this: I think it would be pretty cool to use "Rendezvous" as the name of a place, a town or city. You might have to tweek one of your verses a bit to get the idea of it, but your chorus set-up works for both "ideas" if you wanted to jump from the idea of a meeting in one verse to a city/town/place in another. Just an idea.
Brief announcement -
I'll be taking an extended break from Songstuff...effective immediately.
Our changing political climate & increased demands on my time make that my best course of action.
A few months down the road, I'll re-access the situation.
Hopefully, some of our more experienced members will help fill the void in my absence. Members HoboSage & M57 are our resident experts on how the site should be run. Their knowledge should be an asset to anyone with questions.
LOL... Peggy... you're too nice. Nothing to be sorry for! I didn't take anything you said badly. Nothing at all!
If I sound kind of stern, serious or a bit up myself...I'm just playin' the big boss. It's fun! (only sayin 'ask me first' in case any noobs wander in here thinking it's some kind of free backing track giveaway )
I had a similar initial reaction re: lack of progression within each verse, but I can also see the argument for progression between verses. What moves me toward needing more movement within each verse is that you are trying to do a lot with the chorus and I think you need a boost from the verses to get there. The chorus is about the singer baring his soul (see what I did there with "bare" vs "bore"?--more on that later ) so you could get some movement in the verses by listing out the ways the singer shut out the woman emotionally, which is a better lead-in for the chorus. In other words, if the solution in the chorus in baring his soul, then the problem in the verses needs to be about shutting her out emotionally. Failing to compromise doesn't come across as very emotional, but saying a bit more about why the singer needed it to be that way (e.g., keep her at distance, protect himself, etc) would be more effective.
Back to the bore/bare issue in the chorus. I think the problem is mainly the form of the word. It needs a grammatical tweak, for example:
If I bare my soul, Will she want me then?
I really like the message in those 2 lines--the emotional hook of the chorus is vulnerability and those 2 lines give the chorus it's punch. Also related to the chorus--I am big fan of the singer referring to the song in lyrics (like Ray Charles--Song for You). Again, the verses could build up to that idea too, by getting across the idea that he didn't talk to her enough and maybe he can fix things by not just talking but singing.
A broader observation about the lyrics is that the style of the lines switch back and forth between pedestrian, everyday language and more lyrical language. For example V2 is more lyrical, while V3 (wrapped up in paying the bills/drinking too much when I was stressed) seems less so.
I think there are some good elements here to build on. ~T
I like the vibe. I think it could work out nice... I like your voice and guitar, very nice... I'm not a huge fan of covers but you're changing the vibe from the original and it's creative.
But... you gotta learn the words! It's a favourite of mine and obviously of many, and I'm pretty sure you're not singing every word right. I mean change them creatively if you want, but at the moment I think you're just getting a few wrong rather than deliberately changing them