goldylocks

Now, Vagda I really like how you revised this, it is poetic, beautifully written with passion and emotion! Bravo girl, now put it to music! It's that good! Goldy

Thanks Rudi, I'm not sure I can I identify what multilevel is my self. I can only keep trying, but I was satisfied with this song, so I just have to grow into the next one. Goldy

Thank you Vagda, I rewrote this 4 times, did you see the original one Rage. I think you would really like it. Unfortunately it didn't fit the challenge. It still is my favorite though. Again thank you for the cheer leader comments. Goldy

Vagda, I love the way you paint visual imagery with your wording. Over all a very nice song! A few revisions and it will be great! Of course that's just my opinion. Goldy Don't ask for forever Verse: I've spent a lifetime looking at you/ Deep inside the corners of my mind/nice picture imagery Embracing illusions that I wish to be true/maybe wish were true, don't need to be Emotions I can't leave behind Verse: You can break me into little pieces Puzzle it until one fits to yours/ suggestion/Like a puzzle to fit to in place The burning heat inside increases I've been stuck here for years I've been stuck for years losing face Chorus:/ I like your chorus, though I wish you could repeat your title to emphasize the strength of it. I don't ask for forever It never lasts long enough for me/it's If I can only get today I would spend it with you Lying here next to me Verse: Send you empty letters from my heart/nice imagery Words are dispensable when it comes to this/Unspoken words I can't dismiss/something like that. You are the biggest part, I fall apart I only need one simple kiss Chorus: I don't ask for forever It never lasts long enough for me If I can only get today I would spend it with you Lying here next to me

Everyone wants to believe that the sun, rises and sets on them! So a wolf in sheep's clothing is very persuasive, especially if the person is weak and submissive, not able to tell day from night, which my character in the song is..Unfortunately most people can be deceived with a smooth lying wolf's tongue, that distorts the truth! How do you think Red Riding Hood was deceived? lol. Any how I changed it to luring, which as you know means set a decoy. Goldy

Les I loved this, though I had no idea who it was you were talking about. The only nit I have, is your title is weak in my opinion. I believe, your verses have no rhyme scheme, correct me if I'm wrong. On the whole, I thought you did a great job! Made me want to read on to find out who the mystery person was. Unfortunately I couldn't figure it out. I want more/maybe I've Got to Have You or I Want You I travel alone almost every day/interesting introduction to your song, I want to find out who it is? Although people are around me Wrapped in my own little world On the bus to where I hope to find you The journey can seem endless/ in my opinion this verse builds up more suspense And I am filled with anticipation A wanting so deep within me Feelings I long to but dare not share Theres not a word I can use/ I love your chorus, full of emotional feelings and I got excited reading it! (There's) To describe the way I feel A sensation of butterflies or/ Nice imagery Like a child on Christmas morn/ More of the same An excitement of my senses Like I’ve never felt before A blood rush to fever pitch / you make us feel it! I can’t help myself I want more I want more I smile at you at every chance/this verse adds to the mystery and builds up to the climax more With hope that you might notice The longing that I have for you Feels like it is written across my face I can’t get you out of my mind/ great verse to demonstrate the singer's obssession with the one they desire. I am consumed by my desire’s A constant urge to be near you I find excuses and questions to try Theres not a word I can use To describe the way I feel A sensation of butterflies or Like a child on Christmas morn An excitement of my senses Like I’ve never felt before A blood rush to fever pitch I can’t help myself I want more I want more There are a few years between us / this verse doesn't answer the mystery, Yes some people may throw us scorn bit of a let down. In a few more no one will remember In a few more years will I? Goldy

Rudi, since everyone has commented and given you advice, the only thing I'm going to say is when I read this it sounds like military rules . Now I'm only giving you my perspective from reading it. It just doesn't sound like any real kind of girl, guy relationship, it's stiff and demanding, unyielding, and harsh. Sorry, but that's what I see and I want to be honest, I know that's the way you are. . Goldy. Untitled Song 19 V1 Just enough to please and not enough to harm But I’ll hurt you if you show me no respect Militant statement You’ll miss me when you are away more than you would dare to say Give me your attention now, or I’ll lay it all to waste Another V2 You must keep your friends well away from me Stern You know that I will only make them suffer Harsh This thing can only ever be for us in perpetuity You will hear my call and you will answer This is an order chorus And I will have your respect/Another military type statement And I will have your attention Yet another I could become everything that you request But you must strive for my perfection V3 four measured minutes of tender care/A hint of a relationship The same rendezvous every evening All that you can express is measured by my blades caress As I am blessed while you stand receiving Repeat chorus Rudi aka Unwise Bill © 11-11-2013

Kel, shall we break open a bottle of wine, or are you just tired of running the same gamut and are handing out compliments so it can finally come to an end! Phew! Where is that largish yellow fellow? Goldy

My fourth rewrite, very subtle with tinges of obsession and need. Obsession is abnormal behavior. In other words obsession and love can not co-exist. . . Thanks James, Kel, Donna, for your help. I hope this hits the nail at least near the head. Goldy. Steal My Soul Your words speak With hungry desire Luring me with lies I want to run Find a place to hide You tug at my will Break me right down Touch me tenderly Smile and walk away Causing me agony Chorus: You steal my soul You won't let me go Like a thief in the night You plunder my mind You won't let me go You steal my soul V: When you kiss me I surrender to you My heart beats hard Feelings start to rise I'm caught off guard Chorus: You steal my soul You won't let me go Like a thief in the night You plunder my mind You won't let me go You steal my soul Verse You always haunt me I can't escape You watch me closely Taking possession Holding on tightly Repeat chorus: Goldy

Kel, I really like how you've revised this. One line seems out of place of your rhyme scheme The 4th line in what I believe is the chorus. The first 5 lines it's AABCA, compared to the next 5 that are AABBA.. Just a suggestion. If I'm wrong, sorry, trying to reciprocate. Goldy Brand New Kind There's a brand new tingle running down my spine, When I walk past your office, next to mine. I watch you through the picture window/maybe watch you through the window alone Hear you on the telephone laughing,/ hear you laughing on the telephone A brand new kind of tingle, runs down my spine. 　 There's a brand new kind of shaking in my knees. When you're in the elevator, close to me. You don't see what I'm going through, Longing to reach out and touch you A brand new kind of shaking, weakens my knees.

Kel, you are so observant, I meant blind me with your light. I was getting my lines mixed up. Blind me with your light, is an actual song. I hope it's okay to use that line. Thanks for pointing that out. Do you think it meets the challenge? Goldy

My last rewrite, very subtle with tinges of obsessed love and need.. You Want to Own My Soul Your words speaks soft Hungry desire Wooing me with lies I want to run Find a place to hide You tug at my will Break me right down Kissing me tenderly Light a flaming fire Burning inside of me Chorus: You want to own my soul You won't let me go You wrap me in the night Blind me with your light You want me You need me You won't let me go You want to own my soul V: You press your lips Steaming on mine My heart beats hard Feelings start to rise Catching me off guard Chorus: You want to own my soul You won't let me go You wrap me in the night Blind me with your light You want me You need me You won't let me go You want to own my soul Verse You won't leave me I've no place to go You watch me closely Like a possession Holding me tightly Repeat chorus: Goldy

Donna, I made a few suggestions below in blue. It's just my opinion and I hope you'll see it as that. Keep or sweep. Goldy

Thanks Kel, for your comments on Rage, taking everything you said and John said, I wrote another song, I still don't know if it fits the challenge, but it's close. Just someone who is obsessed with lust and confuses it with love.I thought of Adele when I wrote Rage, thinking it's her style song. Goldy

Kel, this is my short critique, of your song, and there some suggestions I made. Only my opinion of course. Keep or sweep. It's a very romantic. Goldy Brand New Kind There's a brand new tingle running down my spine/ nice imagery line When I walk past your office, next to mine./ another great picture I can see I watch you through the window darling /do you need darling, sounds trite, Hear you on the telephone laughing,/follows previous 3 verses nicely A brand new kind of wanting, is in my heart./ nice completion to first verse. 　 There's a brand new kind of weakness in my knees./ needs a better verb like shaking my knees When you're in the elevator, close to me/. Nice follow up line You can't see what I am up to,/ maybe going through I'm longing to reach out and touch you/ I long to reach out and touch you A brand new kind of needing, is in my heart / a new kind of feeling beating in my heart Will you ever notice me, / will you ever glance my way Always close, but you don't see, Is there something I can do I only want to be, with you.... There's a brand new flutter to my heart, Nice last verse for completion of song./ fluttering in my heart/ action And if you let me we won't be apart./ You'll be happy to be with me And you'll wonder why you couldn't see A brand new kind of passion, is in my heart. My heart. My heart. Cheers, Kel

James, this is my critique of your song, although it's abstract, I find it's missing any kind of connection. You have to have some dots to connect or it's just babble. This is just my opinion, on how I perceive your lyrics.You have some excellent imagery, you just need to connect some dots. Goldy Touch me Mix pleasure with pain This verse though abstract reads well Call it obsession Barely still sane Feed me This verse however, I can't see how pain relates to a grin. Wet satin on skin Arched in a quiver Tense to a grin Soft curls/Your soft curls Fingered in slow twirls Whose soft curls, too abstract, no connection to anyone. . Once a possession Now an obsession Greedy/ no relation in my mind to obscenities/Heated or Lustful Obscenities break Another off the wall abstract no connection. Who can't stop it! Call it obsession Can't stop the ache Needy Burn, burn sweetly sick The last line in this verse sounds like medical advise, Exhale the shiver Should do the trick Doesn't fit in with context. sounds awkward. Soft curls Fingered in slow twirls Already commented. Once a possession Now an obsession

My ambiguous attempt at this difficult challenge. Twisted love and obsession Rage Verse I can feel the rage Stirring up my pride Coming up slowly Heat's starting to rise Verse: My body's on fire Fever is rising Burning up higher I feel like I'm dying Chorus: Rage, Rage It's coming up inside From feelings I can't hide Rage Rage Flames are climbing higher My body's on fire From this desire Verse: Can't take anymore Walking on hot coals You haunt me like a ghost And won't leave my soul Verse: My eyes smolder red I don't thing you know When you look at me Passion's got control Chorus: Rage, Rage It's coming up inside From feelings I can't hide Rage Rage Flames are climbing higher My body's on fire From this desire Goldy

John, I tried to listen to both songs, it came up with page not found. So where is the link to listen to the songs? I would love to hear your lyrics with music. Goldy

Hey Rudi, this is just a rough draft, seeing what it sounds like without the bridge that I'll will be at the end of the song, which is first person. Thanks for your comments and your opinion is always valued, yes it was a tough challenge. Bridge : I'm tripping on rubble running on torn streets Streams of fear pour down my son's cheeks My heart's on fire escaping this horror Shots whizz by us, fleeing to Jordan's door Outro: Kingdoms will rise Kingdoms will fall No, you can't stop the war game Where the winner takes it all Goldy

Kel and Les, since you both helped me with the lyrics, here is a very rough demo of You Can't Stop the War Games with my husband singing it, We need a good recording system, but you can get an idea. Please tell me if you like the idea of that kind of a tune, it's a work in progress. https://soundcloud.com/sandy-mason-1/you-cant-stop-the-war-games-1 Goldy

Hey Les, if you can get someone to record this, I think the lyrics are hot hot, hot! Goldy

Kel, if I could, I'd send you a case of beer, but the shipping would be more than the beer. Lol. Thanks again for walking me through how to write better lyrics. Goldy

Last rewrite, and I give up! Thank you Kel, and John, you must think I'm a dum kuff. You Can't Stop the War Games Verse:1 Oil barons and bankers shake hands on Syria's fate Plotting against the radicals you know the'res no debate Assad's gold is piled on the table to win Laughter breaks out when the war game begins Verse 2 Waving signs angrily for the freedom of speech Fighting a dictator riding down the streets Shouting for him to yield as he passes by They cry for the victims who've already died Pre Chorus Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie When media's tongue shifts the blame..but Chorus It's not anything new It's always been the same For centuries now You can't stop the war games Kingdoms will rise And kingdoms will fall You can't stop the war games, Where the winner takes all Verse:3 Black tanks with soldiers roll in like a storm Shooting rebels that will not conform Bullets rip through the air with a rat-tat-tat- sound Blood pours from wounds of bodies on the ground Pre Chorus Oh, how truth's swallowed up by a lie When media's tongue shifts the blame..but Chorus It's not anything new It's always been the same For centuries now You can't stop the war games Kingdoms will rise And kingdoms will fall You can't stop the war games, Where the winner takes all Outro Kingdoms will rise Kingdoms will fall You can't stop the war games Where the winner takes all Goldy

Kel, are you saying the every line ending in a verse should be the same syllable count?, I must be an air head, because I don't understand, and I'm wondering how I won a lyric contest? It must have been a fluke, because it's clear as mud.just as you said. I have word perfect, so I'll use it to see if I can have an even syllable count for each line of each verse. Thanks for your patience, and your time. Verse line 1 has 13 syllables line 2 has 13 syllables line 3 has 13 syllables line 4 has 13 syllables The same with verse 2 The same with verse 3 Is that what you mean?

Les, I changed the whole song and got rid of the chess game, it just wasn't working. Thanks to Kel, pointed it out only 2 play chess. Goldy