goldylocks

Thank you Kel for being a mentor. I listened to you and got rid of the chess it just wasn't working and I could not figure out how to make it make sense. I rewrote the first verse and eliminated all the references to the chess game. Now does it make more sense? This is the hardest challenge yet. .LOL Now I have the revolutionist standing up for freedom, the victim running toward Jordan to escape hell. The media who twists the truth for money, plus the bankers and oil barons who are bribed by Assad. So that's 4 points of view, isn't it? You Can't Stop the War Games Verse Oil barons and bankers shake hands on Syria's fate Plotting against the revolutionists with high stakes Assad's gold bribe is piled on the table for the win Laughter breaks out when war is ordered to begin Verse Tanks with soldiers roll in like a dessert storm Shooting rebels standing for freedom's platform Bullets rip through the air with a rat-tat-tat- sound Blood pours from wounds of bodies on the ground Pre Chorus Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie When media's tongue shifts the blame..but Chorus It's not anything new It's always been the same All through history You can't stop the war games Kingdoms will rise And kingdoms will fall You can't stop the war games, Where the winner takes all Verse I'm tripping over rubble running on torn streets Streams of fear pour down my son's gritty cheeks Despair is eating me alive as we escape this horror Shots whizz by our heads fleeing to Jordan's door Pre Chorus Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie When media's tongue shifts the blame..but Chorus It's not anything new It's always been the same All through history You can't stop the war games Kingdoms will rise And kingdoms will fall You can't stop the war games, Where the winner takes all Outro You can't stop the war games Where the winner takes all

Les, this is soooooo good, you brought the story to life. Your images blaze heartache and despair! I love your chorus! Simple but to the point. great rewrite, 100 times better. Goldy

Thanks John, and to everybody who participated and passed the challenge, also for the great group that constantly help one another with a team spirit! Please use Sandy Mason as my name. Goldy

Les, you did a marvelous critique, and I used some of your suggestions. It's always great when you can get a different perspective from another point of view, and you helped a lot. My rewrite is above this post. Chorus is abcb abcb much better I think Goldy

New rewrite, thanks to Kel, and Les's helpful suggestions and kind hearts. I want to thank you both for your incredible reviews. You Can't Stop the War Games Verse Oil barons and bankers shake hands on Syria's fate Plotting against the revolutionists with high stakes Assad's gold bribe is piled on the table for the win Laughter fills the air when war is ordered to begin Verse Tanks with dark soldiers, roll in like a dessert storm Grabbing Syrian rebels who just won't conform Bullets rip through the air with a rat-tat-tat-tat sound Blood pours from wounds of bodies on the ground Pre Chorus Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie When media's tongue shifts the blame..but Chorus It's not anything new It's always been the same All through history You can't stop the war games Kingdoms will rise And kingdoms will fall You can't stop the war games, Where the winner takes all Bridge I'm tripping on rubble running on torn streets Streams of fear pour down my son's cheeks My heart's on fire escaping this horror Shots whizz by, fleeing to Jordan's door Pre Chorus Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie When media's tongue shifts the blame..but Chorus It's not anything new It's always been the same All through history You can't stop the war games Kingdoms will rise And kingdoms will fall You can't stop the war games, Where the winner takes all Outro You can't stop the war games Where the winner takes all

Gee Kel, thank you for such an in depth critique, I didn't expect that. I hoped you would just make a few comments, but you gave me a lot to think about. I was trying to write the chess idea metaphorically, but I guess. I should have left in the first verse. I hoped you would understand when the King was cornered and checkmated and lit on fire that was a subtle way of saying the barons and bankers decided on war.and that Assad would attack his own people. But I guess it just didn't come across clear enough. I like your idea for the chorus, but shouldn't the title repeat in the chorus?.Also I wasn't sure how to write this in the first person, but now I'll try to revise it I do like the first verse, but I'll have to figure out how to make the transition from it to the second verse smoothly. Before I do any rewriting I'm going to take my time and look at it long and hard. After all there is no hurry. Goldy I love these art stamps !

Les, I'm afraid I have to agree with Kel, almost all songs have the title in the chorus, if you can find some way to incorporate the title into the chorus, or eliminate your refrain from your verses and place it in your chorus. Now it's your song and this is just a suggestion But I really like the color and the changes you made to your verses. Your getting there!. Remember as I said before it's your song. So much more description with action. . Goldy

Kel, just reading this brings on despair, the lyrics explode with the pain and heartache the woman is experiencing as she screams at the camera with arms spread out as if she's holding back the next attack. Title: I think I like You Can't Have Them instead of Can't Have Them, as a title it's more poignant. Just a suggestion. Definitely an anti-war song from the woman's perspective. Verses, Chorus and Rhyme Scheme: Your verses build up a lot of emotion with you constantly repeating Look at all this in verse one and Hear the in verse 2, it definitely sets up an atmosphere of tension and tragedy, and your descriptions like I said before are action packed. I notice that you don't use color in your lyrics, but that's just a personal preference of how someone wants to write them.. . Sorry, but I don't recognize your rhyme scheme, it seems there is one in your chorus, but not in your verses. Summary: Over all this is a powerful anti war song with the view from the woman, and the camera film crew filming the appalling events, along with results of those that are the recipients of the devastating war. Well that pretty well raps it up, it's a bad ass song, and I wanted to at least comment, you're a hard one to critique, because you pretty well have it together and know what works. I would appreciate your valued comments on my lyrics as well, for I find you gave me some very good suggestions on the The Phantom Bride. Goldy.

Les, I agree with Kel, this is turning out to be a very well written, and sorry, I didn't recognize your last verse as a bridge. You have really stepped it up, but now you have a chorus and your not using your title as a hook, you've gone a completely different way with using they have a voice. I think Kel, also made a valid point on they have a voice, as being not enough. He gave you some very good suggestions, of how to give it some emotion. A voice cries out in silence cause no one listens, Cries of silence hang in the air, something like that, saying even though they cry it falls on deaf ears. Overall its almost there! Added a few more suggestions above, which you can keep or sweep, and yes I would love to hear your valued opinion on my lyrics. I appreciate you reciprocating, that's what I call team work!. Goldy

Okay Les, now that's what I'm talking about. This a really good story line, I like the refrain you used to make your point with the title NO ONE LIFTS A HAND, it really emphasizes it through out your song. Her goes a little more of a detailed critique because John asked us to pick one song to critique and I picked yours.. No One Lifts a Hand It's desperate times for a desperate nation perhaps dying The Syrian people in a mass migration suggestion for action use move Caught in the crossfire of indignation Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain People scream as they run through the street Good descriptive lines in this verse Over broken glass no shoes on their feet One wrong move and a bullet their meet suggestion they'll meet Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain Day after day we hear the same old story Caused by a man who spills blood for glory Not shown on the news because it's to gory Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain Both sides try to put the blame on each other For the atrocities on their fallen brothers Not only on the men but kids and mothers Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain The people all feel the same exasperation As the rivers of blood flow through the nation good descriptive line It seems like they are sentenced to damnation Still no one lifts a hand to end their pain Is this just another war? A really great ending to make everybody take notice Have you ever stopped to think? Can we really just close the door? While humanity goes down the sink Or shall we lift a hand? Title: After doing a web search, I find the title is in fact original, there are a lot similar, but it's a stand on it's own title. And as I said early it is an excellent title for your song. Rhyme: I think your rhyme scheme flows very well, and adds a nice rhythm and beat to the song, musical on its own, could almost be a rap. Although the last verse doesn't follow the other verses with the same rhyme pattern, I think you have AAAB and the last verse is. ABCBD which is 5 lines as opposed to 4 in your other verses. Verses: The second verse, reads a little awkward for me, I made a suggestion above, I think in the meat of your verses, you used good descriptions to accent your story line I still feel although you have some great descriptive lines, your telling your story, instead of showing it. The lines need more action, and maybe even some color, to make it come alive. The storyline is excellent, it just needs to more visual imagery with action. Chorus: I may be wrong, but I didn't detect a chorus in the song, just your refrain used to emphasize the lyrics What I liked: I liked the story line, I thought it was creative and interesting. What I didn't like: I thought, as I said before it could be shown more instead of telling more with visual color and action. Well Les, that pretty much is my assessment of your song, I have tried to be honest and be constructive with some suggestions, but remember this is only my objective opinion, to help you strengthen and hone your writing skills more. I hope you will take it as that and nothing more. I know what you're capable of, because we co-wrote an incredible song together. Remember I'm a novice my self, so it's coming from learning eyes, but I wanted to give you a more detailed critique to the best of my ability. I forgot to say, I think you pretty well covered all the view points from those doing the persecution to the people, to the public knowing but not caring to lift a hand to help, also the plight and feelings of the people being persecuted. Your writing bud Goldy! I love these tags! .

Les, am I reading a comic book? I don't know how to critique this, cause some people may love this song, but this is what I see when I read it. Boom Boom! Roar Roar! Les, I want something more. You are an incredible writer. It's just opinion, but I think you need work on this. Goldy

Thank Les for your idea, I was going to do that, my husband is chest player and suggested that but I thought it might go over the board, get it the board. Any how I think I'll use it. Thanks Les and my hubby.

This what my imagination conjured up from the image John posted. After I read a couple of times, I thought it could be a rap.. You Can't Stop the War Games Verse The oil barons and bankers shake hands at a secret debate Plotting the next power move for the country Syria's checkmate Assad's Queen's pushed forward cornering a King in the game Laughter roars through the room when he's lit on fire with a blue flame Verse Green tanks with Knights shooting, roll in like a thunder storm Grabbing rebellious Syrian Bishops who won't conform Bullets rip through the air with a rat-tat-tat-tat-tat sound Crimson blood pours from open wounds of bodies on the ground Pre Chorus Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie When media's tongue shifts the blame..but Chorus It's not anything new It's all just the same For centuries now You can't stop the war games Who ever owns the gold Makes the Kingdoms rise Makes the Kingdoms fall You can't stop the war games The winner takes it all Verse The desperate families run past rubble on the dirty streets Away from the Gorilla's fiery shots and rumbling feet Terror cries from bulging eyes of pale faces caught in a war Pawns flee toward Jordan's border, escaping through freedom's door Pre Chorus Oh, how truth's swallowed by a lie When media's tongue shifts the blame... but Chorus It's not anything new It's all just the same For centuries now You can't stop the war games Whoever owns the gold Makes Kingdoms rise Makes Kingdoms fall You can't stop the war games The winner takes it all Outro You can't stop the war games The winner takes it all

Lisa, you are always encouraging with your comments, and your advice, I appreciate it and I'm glad you liked the song .Goldylocks

So far, Lisa, the song is very interesting, I felt like you took me on a journey, and I learned about the different places in Europe. Looking forward to more, I like your chorus, I think it's musical on it's own. Goldy I love these tags, what do you think Lisa? Art work always enhances anything!

Kel, he's a keeper means to me, he's the kind of guy, that is loyal, good personality, interesting, intelligent, generous, attractive, and uses his talents, for the good of others and is a professional or has a very good job and handles his finances well. Also kind. I hope that helps. That's my husband I just described, we've been married a long time. Goldy

Les, I can't figure out your rhyme scheme, it seems the only lines that rhyme are the last two lines in each verse. Is that your intention? A refrain, is what I'm getting at. Other than that the song sings on it's own, and I like that goodbyes to all the countries with their particular language, nice touch. Cute song! Goldy

Kel, I just read your description again, I wrote the European tour, as memory, not up coming. Can I break the rule, like everyone else does? Lol Goldy

Thanks Les, I put the Cancan dress back in, just for you! lol. Now I'm going to read yours and comment. Goldy

Rudi, I thought I would critique your song to the best of my ability. I know your a musician, so I may not know the meter rhythm as well as you, or the technical aspects that are for more experienced writers, but I'd' give it a shot any way. The Title: Roll Me Away is not original, unfortunately, Bob Seger has a song Roll Me Away. But I think the title suits the song well. Verses Rhyme: I think your verses rhyme well and definitely have a touch of humor which makes them creative and interesting, as well as enjoyable to read. I also like how you spelled this word Yu-nited kingdom, in your first verse, it gave the verse limie character. Your second verse again you personalized it saying they don't got miles in Macedonia. Keeping the song in the rules for the challenge, you successfully mentioned three of the required European countries, but you added your own touch of uniqueness with your wording. Pre Chorus: Is well written, it leads right into your chorus. Chorus: This is the best part of your song, without a doubt. It's simple, but it's the why of the song. the tour's lost it's appeal, so you want the tour bus to roll you away .Frankly I like the simplicity of the chorus, it delivers your message well. Over all Rudi, this was a difficult challenge, and I think you carried it off well! I would love to hear this humorous song put to music! I couldn't find anything I think needed improvement, but that's just my opinion, on how I read your lyrics. Great Job Rudi! Goldy

My effort, this one was a hard one, I think. European Girls Verse Cherie, l can't breath when I think of you in a red silk dress How your blue eyes glowed when you began to dance Late nights led to passion and sizzling romance Cuddling with a lovely brunette, I left back in France Verse: When I skied down a mountain slope in Switzerland Anna, your pretty face caught me by surprise My heart shattered like glass when I said goodbye I held you close, kissed you softly when you cried Pre chorus: Oh oh, I'll never forget Europe When I left, I thought I'd die Chorus Sometimes when I feel lonely European girls Flash Flash Before my eyes Parading like ghost shadows Sweeping me back through time Verse: Darling Mackenzie, how can I ever forget you? Your auburn hair on fire in Scotland's sunlight Drinking gold Drambuie and making love all night Sleeping on green satin sheets holding you tight Pre chorus: Oh, oh, I'll never forget Europe When I left, I thought I'd die Chorus Sometimes when I feel lonely European girls Flash Flash Before my eyes Parading like ghost shadows Sweeping me back through time Mackenzie Cherie Anna . Goldylocks

Lisa, I pretty much agree with what Donna says, I like Donna's alternative verse suggestions, somehow to me the song is still stiff, with the wording and doesn't flow well. I'm sorry right now I'm really sick, and I just popped out of bed to make a brief comment. I think the bridge needs more work, it's not very interesting. Still needs some tightening up in your chorus. But just a few more tweeks and you'll have a real cute song! Again, I would like to see some imagery in your lyrics .Like shiny gold things I think the 2nd line in your first verse needs work, it's awkward, just my opinion Goldy

So much better now, that 3rd verse really shows delusion! I also like the red Ferrari and windswept seaside, it gives your song a visual picture. Great Work! Goldy

Hey, Jan, thanks for the compliment, I think. I had my husband add the guitar softly in the background, we are still working on it. He can play his guitar by ear, but he hasn't played for a long time. So he said he would help me for the challenge. I just wanted to hear the song put to music. Goldy

I really enjoyed this challenge, I think like Kel, said, each challenge is bringing us closer and closer to communicate with each other, and help in areas of writing lyrics where we may not be strong or just don't see the weaknesses. I look at it like an on going Brain Storming session, each one contributing to each others ideas, forming a powerful tool for song writing. Here are the valuable contributions I received from Vagda and Kel. I really didn't think I could give a good critique, because of not knowing all the technical points, but I think I learned a lot and did the best I could. Taking Kel's suggestion, I wrote a new bridge that shows the view point of why her lover left her. I used two of Vagda's ideas for my chorus and bridge. Kel also suggested die a phantom bride for the end of the chorus. So with the help of Kel, Vagda, I was able to rewrite my song. Goldy :luxhello: