DonnaMarilyn

Interesting article I came across recently. http://www.cracked.com/article_20939_7-things-record-deal-teaches-you-about-music-industry.html Donna

A most interesting video. It's long, but you can watch it in segments. Enjoy! Donna http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wBOUJ5Mbrk

The vocals sound very good to me, MMR. Others here would be able to comment more expertly, though, and probably give tips regarding training. Here's the link. https://soundcloud.com/mazingmaryrocks/sober-mazingmaryrocks-pink Donna

Sure, sure, John. The theme is a good one, but I'm not a fan of the duet structure. So I'll sit this challenge out. Curious to see what you throw at us next, though. Donna

Offered by edx.org, this online course might interest some of you. https://www.edx.org/course/berkleex/berkleex-bcm-mb110x-introduction-music-1184 Donna

OK, going back to the original 'make an honest man out of me', one approach might be to have the guy describe the ways that he was hesitating, postponing, in general trying to avoid/evade the issue of making a commitment. In short, he was being dishonest about his intentions, giving all kinds of excuses. He finally comes to his senses - realises he loves his lady and wants to be a 'legitimate' part of her life. So in the end, they' can be at the little altar in that little chapel by the sea, and she's making an honest man of him. But make sure the verses support the theme. Just ramblings above, but maybe something can be launched from there. Donna

Just popping in quickly, Kel. I'm not taking part in this challenge (overseas visitor, etc., so no available time), but wanted to mention that the 'wanted man' hook has been done by various artists (e.g. Neil Young, Johnny Cash, and others). (Also by a singer/songwriter on another site, with the twist that the guy was wanted by women.) I really like the original twist - making an honest man out of the guy - and would love to see that followed up. Anyway, just my tuppence worth. I'll drop by a bit later to add a couple more comments (if you like). Donna

James, you're right. I knew there was something that bothered me about the change in the bridge. I'd removed the vernacular from V1 in the previous version but inadvertently reintroduced it in bridge in the last version. I've reverted now to the original bridge (but shortened line 2). (Rudi, I can use your excellent suggestion in another lyric. I've already begun writing it in my head. ) Donna Do Not Attempt To Breathe V1 Nowadays you're looking wan Hollow eyes, no lipstick on You're blonde but you're not having any fun Pre chorus Did he work the charm? [His secret hid] Hold out his arms? [i know he did] Work the kiss? Then did things go like this? Chorus Little by little his voice turned cold Demands and wrong suspicions grew Accusations, all untrue ...Menace in his meaning Lurking underneath Almost a threat ...Do not attempt to breathe V2 I can feel your growing fear Come sit close, you need to hear How bad he is, he'll never let you be Pre chorus Chorus Bridge Never told you this before I knew him once ...Another time, another town ...His depths are murky ...And he'll make you drown Chorus Outro You won't be safe if you don't go ...Don't want to say 'I told you so' © 2013 Donna Devine

Oh, thank goodness! I swear, I've hunted high and low, and still can't find the last version of Kel's and Les's lyric to comment on. Donna

John, this constant scrolling and going from page to page to try to find everyone's rewrites is driving me - and maybe others - insane! For the next challenge, could each person have her/his own thread (like we did for the final versions in Challenge 16)? Pretty please. Donna

With thanks to Goldy, James, Vagda, and Rudi. So, how is it looking now? Rudi, you made good suggestions. Though I didn't incorporate all of them, they were useful in this further revision. Donna Do Not Attempt To Breathe V1 Nowadays you're looking wan Hollow eyes, no lipstick on You're blonde but you're not having any fun Pre chorus Did he work the charm? [His secret hid] Hold out his arms? [i know he did] Work the kiss? Then did it start to go like this? Chorus Bit by bit his voice turned cold Demands and morbid musings grew Accusations, all untrue ...Menace in his meaning Lurking underneath Almost a threat ...Do not attempt to breathe V2 I can feel your growing fear Come real close, you need to hear How bad he is, he'll never let you be Pre chorus Chorus Bridge Wasn't going to tell you, hon Knew him once, but I cut and run Another time, another town ...His depths are murky ...And he'll make you drown Chorus Bit by bit his voice turned cold Demands and morbid musings grew Accusations, all untrue ...Menace in his meaning Lurking underneath Almost a threat ...Do not attempt to breathe Outro Girl, you're done if you don't go ...Don't want to say 'I told you so' © 2013 Donna Devine

Rudi, thank you for chiming in here. You've given me good food for thought. I'll ponder those areas you mention, and then post another 'final' version. I agree, the piece isn't multi-layered. I found the challenge instructions a bit too complex at the moment (largely because my brain's working overtime on other projects), so decided just to stick with the creepy element. Donna

Sorry to jump on this at the last minute, Goldy. Two tiny nits. Donna

Hi James, finally getting round to yours. Not too much to crit (though I'm going only by first impressions rather than delving into the various layers. Too much going on in my head at the moment as I juggle tasks and prepare for an overseas visitor. ) Donna Here is an updated version: =====Revised Version 2===== NEW TITLE: Y1W19 Kiss Me updated mp3 http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12569564 Find me A smile’s all I wear This made me smile. Run the red lights Tangle my hair Claim me I’ve brushed on your name Marked every inch Used all the paint Give me what I have missed Get out of my mind and onto my lips Got a chuckle out of this as well. Kiss me Touch me You tease titillate Leave the lights on Don’t make me wait Feed me Wet satin on skin Arched in a quiver I get what you mean here, but it's not connected to the previous two lines. Sounds as though the satin or the skin is arched in a quiver rather than the person. Suggest re-thinking how you express this image. I wonder too whether a person being 'arched and acquiver' might work better than 'arched in a quiver'? ‘Til I give in Your curls fingered in slow twirls Get out of my mind and onto my lips Kiss me Loose curls fingered in slow twirls Get out of my mind and onto my lips Kiss me

Late to the party here, Rudi, but a few quick impressions spring to mind. I already like the imagery, and the tightness of the lyric, but feel it can be made even terser for more impact. I'd try dropping a few instances of 'that'. It clogs up the lines. A couple of suggestions below. Keep or sweep, of course. Donna

Thanks for initial input from Goldy, then from James, and most recently from Vagda. Do Not Attempt To Breathe (Final (I hope ) version. And I've done away with the vernacular 'ain't' and the dropped 'g's.) V1 Nowadays you're looking wan Hollow eyes, no lipstick on You're blonde but you aren't having any fun Pre chorus Did he work the charm? [His secret hid] Hold out his arms? [i know he did] Work the kiss? Then did it start to go like this? Chorus Little by little His voice turned colder, orders grew Accusations, all untrue Such menace in his meaning Lurking underneath Almost a threat ...Do not attempt to breathe V2 I can feel your growing fear Come real close, you need to hear How bad he is, he'll never let you be Pre chorus Chorus Bridge Never told you this before I knew him once, but won that war Another time, another town ...His depths are murky ...And you're sure to drown Chorus Outro Girl, you're done if you don't go ...Don't want to say 'I told you so' © 2013 Donna Devine

Super job with this, Goldy. It's cohesive, tight, and pulls the reader/listener right along. I really like the sparseness of the lines. It adds to the tension. Donna

This is charming, Vagda. It's tightened up nicely. Lovely work. Just a couple of small suggestions below. Keep or sweep. Donna

Thanks for looking again at this, James. Donna

Here's an adjusted version. Thank you to Goldy and James for feedback. The lines in brackets [ ] in the pre-chorus are meant to be sung in the background. Still not mad about the outro. Donna Do Not Attempt To Breathe (Second version) V1 Nowadays you're lookin' wan Dark-rimmed eyes, no lipstick on You're blonde but you ain't havin' any fun Pre chorus Did he work the charm? [i know he did] Hold out his arms? [His secret hid] Work the kiss? Then did it start to go like this? Chorus Little by little His voice turned bitter, orders grew Accusations, all untrue Such menace in his meaning Lurking underneath It seemed to warn Do not attempt to breathe V2 I sure wish you'd talk to me Come here close, you need to see He's bad, and he won't ever let you be Pre chorus Chorus Bridge Never told you this before I knew him once, but won that war Another time, another town ...His depths are murky ...And you're sure to drown Chorus Little by little His voice turned bitter, orders grew Accusations, all untrue Such menace in his meaning Lurking underneath It seemed to warn Do not attempt to breathe Outro I'd hate to say I told you so ...And girl, you're done if you don't go © 2013 Donna Devine

Goldy, this is tighter than the original. I've made just a few quick comments based on first impressions. Keep or sweep, of course. Donna

James, thank you for your input here. Always good to see how others perceive a line or intention. My response is below, in blue.

Kel, those first lines in each verse set the mood nicely. Tingle, weakness, flutter. Good words. Overall, this is pretty creepy. I'll come back to it later, bit by bit. The challenge instructions are somewhat complex, and I can't keep them all in mind at once. Donna

OK, I re-assembled/revised an older idea, and went for Choice B. Have at it, folks. Donna Do Not Attempt To Breathe V1 Nowadays you're lookin' wan Hollow eyes, no lipstick on You're blonde but you ain't havin' any fun Pre chorus He worked the charm Held out his arms He worked the kiss Then did it go like this? Chorus The voice got bitter, orders grew Accusations, all untrue Such menace in his meaning Lurking underneath It seemed to warn Do not attempt to breathe V2 I sure wish you'd talk to me Come here close, you need to see He's bad, and he won't ever let you be Pre chorus He worked the charm Held out his arms He worked the kiss Then did it go like this? Chorus The voice got bitter, orders grew Accusations, all untrue Such menace in his meaning Lurking underneath It seemed to warn Do not attempt to breathe Bridge Never told you this before I knew him once, I won that war Another time, another town ...His depths are murky ...And you're sure to drown Chorus The voice got bitter, orders grew Accusations, all untrue Such menace in his meaning Lurking underneath It seemed to warn Do not attempt to breathe Outro I won't say I told you so But let me help you now to go © 2013 Donna Devine

Thanks, Les. It was an excellent challenge. John, for my name: Donna Devine. As simple as that. Regarding individual comments by PM: I'd be pleased to have those, but there's no rush at all. Clear your plate first. Donna