DonnaMarilyn

Have a look at this site. http://www.musiclibraryreport.com It's fully up to date regarding legitimate music licensing agencies, their conditions, and their requirements. Donna

Looking forward to the summing up. Donna

What Goldy said. Plus I'd throw in good sense of humour, good listener, and someone that you wouldn't mind if he hung around, but still gave you space to do your own thing. Donna (BTW, Goldy, does your husband happen to have a twin brother at a loose end? )

I've only just begun (with #16), but have read through the other challenges. Good ones! I wish I'd had time to do the Abstract one and the Folk Song. I love that 'cut up' method of creating lyrics, and I really like folk songs. Mind you, mine are mostly set a couple of hundred years ago. I was glad to see that once the challenges got underway, discussion began to take place. I'm with Rudi, in that it's valuable to have feedback and discussion close to the challenges. Several ideas Kel mentions are good as well. I especially like the 'ghost' approach - which, as Kel mentions, Paul Simon uses too - whereby we take a well-known song, write a completely different lyric, and then change the melody. I've found this to be a very useful exercise. It's also fun to get several titles from a random title-generating tool, and combine the titles/lines to create a relatively cohesive lyric. Another exercise I found interesting was to write a lyric based on a photograph. Fun too is to write something based on a card from a set of any kind. Or from the zodiac, or the Chinese horoscope (e.g. the different animals - pick whichever animal one is). Endless. Other good sources of inspiration are sites like postsecret.com and dearoldlove.com. For me, they've been a treasure trove. (I realise that most of the above have more to do with what to write about, rather than the basic art of crafting, which might be what you prefer to focus on, John. )

WSBH, I'd suggest that much depends on what your intention is. If you're aiming for the commercial market, it's generally advised to keep songs under the 4-minute mark. It's said that an A&R person won't spend more than 30 seconds listening to a submission; if it doesn't grab him/her within that time, it's tossed, and on to the next song. Another rule of thumb is to keep an intro under 20 seconds, and aim to hit the first chorus by the 60-second mark. I'm sure you've heard the adage 'Don't bore us - get to the chorus'. Though of course, certain genres - e.g. prog-rock - are usually fairly long. If your goal is simply to create songs that give you and your friends, family, etc. pleasure, then - as Rudy says - follow your instinct . It doesn't hurt, though, to post these songs for review. it's too easy to become attached to our 'darlings', and so we choose not to hear those areas in a song that might in fact be boring, repetitive, lacking in prosody, and so on. You might find that shortening a song even from 6:30 to 5:15 makes a positive difference, giving the song a completely different energy and dynamic. ADDED: You also need to determine your niche audience. Nowadays, the average person likely won't want to listen to something that's overly long, and that doesn't have attention-getting hooks throughout - whether lyric or musical or both.

I find line 1, V1, to be more interesting now. It immediately made me curious. The bridge is tighter. However, I'd like to see a slightly starker contrast between the reality and the singer's imagination. The metering in the verses could be adjusted as well, so that they flow more cohesively, as a unity. The pre-chorus deserves another look, I think. In particular, the term 'of great worth' (also used in V3) is a formal one, and sounds odd in contrast to the 'looseness' of the rest of the text. A few more comments (in blue) are below. They look ominous in terms of length, but the actual adjustments should be fairly straightforward. Donna Second draft. comments and thoughts appreciated Changes are in red. The Famous One I might be called a DIVA The new line 1 is catchier. It has a cockiness, a tongue-in-cheek element to it. Even if it’s not true I feel this line contradicts line 1 and the rest of the descriptions. Perhaps keep the surprise until the bridge. It's at odds with the confidence and bravado with which the singer has introduced herself in line 1. For instance, maybe something like 'For I'm not the same as you', or 'Some people think it's true'. Just quick examples. I act out, I need to show I’m famous and I’m new A mansion filled with gold things A yacht I named “Ahoy!†A garage filled with sports cars I think it's assumed she would have a garage. I'd rather see mention of more specific examples of what the toys are. Would also suggest not repeating 'filled'. All of these are my toys This line doesn't meter well with line 4 in V1. The emphasis should be roughly: x X x x x X ('I'm famous and I'm new'). The way you have it here, the emphasis would be on the preposition 'of', a definite 'no-no'. Alternatives (rough examples only): - These playthings are my toys - These objects are my toys - And other shiny toys - I like big shiny toys Pre-chorus If you want my autograph, you’ll have to pay a fee This line sets things up nicely. Nothing of great worth, ever comes for free This line sounds a little clunky and formal. It also refers back to line 1, and doesn't carry the listener into the chorus with a punch. If you prefer to stay with the line, maybe something like 'Nothing worth having ever comes free'. Alternative (rough example only): If you want my autograph, you'll have to pay a fee You can feel special with a little part of me Chorus Hey, I’m an acting prodigy I’m better than I ever dreamed Suggest dropping 'I'm'. For tightness and flow, maybe 'Even better than I dreamed'? I have no modesty Fame is all around Suggest replacing 'fame', as it's in 'famous', which is lines 5 & 6. Perhaps re-think this line to make it fresher. What are other things associated with fame? Maybe something like 'Kudos all around' or 'I get kudos all around'? For I’m the famous one The famous one In terms of metering, try to have the lines in one verse match with lines in the other verses. This makes it easier to compose a melody. I hang with the stars all day Perhaps invert this: 'Every day I hang with the stars'. Seems to flow more smoothly. Alternatively, mention one or two specific people by name. I’m out of this world Nice layered meaning here (being fantastic, plus in another space). Watch me on my TV show That proves I have some worth Again, this line is clunky, and doesn't give the listener anything new. Try to avoid repeating words/phrases (unless you want a particular effect). I know 'world' is a difficult end rhyme. To resolve this, maybe consider reversing lines 1 & 2 (making appropriate adjustments) so that the end ryhme on line 2 is 'day', and easier to work with. Alternative (rough example only): The world I knew has vanished Now I hang out with the stars Watch me on my TV show It's clear I'm going far Pre-chorus Chorus Bridge Perhaps go for more contrast, more playfulness or irony. In my mind’s reality I am famous as can be Suggest something looser, maybe like 'In my imagination'. I pre tend to make millions The present continuous - 'pretending' - would give a smoother flow to the line. So I’m a star to everyone Alternatives (rough examples only): Sure I'm famous, in my imagination A million-dollar diva Adrift in adoration But I'm only a star In my own imagination No million-dollar diva Adrift in adoration In my imagination I'm a big celebrity A shiny star, untouchable But for everyone to see I'm a shining star, untouchable And for everyone to see But only in my imagination Am I a big celebrity Chorus

Original Version Hard As Diamonds V1 Girl, you smiled and promised You’d be with me all the way And I leaned down to kiss you Thinking there’s still time to play V2 Girl, I knew your bound’ries Glad of just how much you cared But went ahead and pushed them Risking everything we’d shared Pre-chorus When you left I couldn’t blame you Knew I’d hurt and shamed you Chorus Hard as diamonds were the words You threw at my illusion They cut through the delusion I’d had about myself and love Hard as diamonds Making my stupidity crystal clear V3 Girl, I can’t help hoping One day you’ll return my calls Until you do I’ll wait here Like a ghost within these walls Pre-chorus When you left I couldn’t blame you Knew I’d hurt and shamed you Chorus Hard as diamonds were the words You threw at my illusion They cut through the delusion I’d had about myself and love Hard as diamonds Making my stupidity crystal clear Bridge You left your favourite book behind Might that mean something more? Now I sit and watch the door Chorus Hard as diamonds were the words You threw at my illusion They cut through the delusion I’d had about myself and love Hard as diamonds Making my stupidity crystal clear © 2013 Donna Devine ----------------------------- Revised Version Hard As Diamonds V1 You promised as the organ played You'd be with me all the way [And] I leaned to you smiling Fingers crossed behind my back Whispered I'd be faithful too Always true and kind to you But knowing I had secrets by the stack Pre-chorus Didn't blame you leaving Fed up with my deceiving Chorus Hard as diamonds cutting glass You drilled through the delusion I’d had about myself and love With crystal clear, unsparing words You left no implication blurred Those truths were hard as diamonds V2 I knew the boundaries you set None were easy to forget [but] I went on to push them Risking everything we’d shared Playing with two sets of rules Now I know I played the fool And took advantage of how much you cared Pre-chorus Didn't blame you leaving Fed up with my deceiving Chorus Hard as diamonds cutting glass You drilled through the delusion I’d had about myself and love With crystal clear, unsparing words You left no implication blurred Those truths were hard as diamonds Bridge I know now what I had and lost For my arrogance, my see-through lies For every hurt, I apologise Chorus (x 2) Hard as diamonds cutting glass You drilled through the delusion I’d had about myself and love With crystal clear, unsparing words You left no implication blurred Those truths were hard as diamonds Coda If you were in my life once more I'd never do what I did before © 2013 Donna Devine

John, I found this a rewarding exercise, both in the receiving and the giving of critiques. Every observation made by Kel, Jan, and Rudi (lucky me having three critiques ) was invaluable. The main point I came away with was that there must be no ambiguity (though I feel this is also genre dependent) - every element in a story needs to be clear. Readers/listeners can't read the lyricist's mind. Sub-points/reminders: - try to keep hook in strongest position(s) (e.g. first & last line) in chorus; - always consider whether the song could be sung by an artist; a singer must never be seen in a bad light (at least in commercial songs). To your question: Not signed with a publisher, but I have songs with two music licensing agencies. One song was licensed for a TV series (one episode). A couple of songs are on indie CDs, and a couple more have been played on online radio. Others are - I presume - performed by my collaborators at their gigs. --------------------------------------- Kel, I'm glad you used the word seemed. No 'justification' was involved. I responded to each of the critiques with an explanation. I did this for three reasons: 1. To share with my reviewers what my thought process had been during my writing of the original and then my revising of the lyric; 2. To indicate to the reviewer whether I had understood - or possibly misunderstood - the points raised; 3. To indicate why I may have opted to make a choice other than the one(s) suggested. However, if - with regard to further challenges - John feels that responding in this manner amounts to TMI, I'll be happy to cease and desist. BTW, who is Sandy? Donna

Aha! Now I get it, Rudi. I still don't think 'wedged' is the right word in the context, nor is 'divided into two'; makes it sound as though it's been cut down the middle. How about simply: 'In a kind of doll's house opened wide'? Re leaving out an extra hook in the chorus: Absolutely your prerogative. Re V2: The change doesn't clarify what 'see 'em' refers to - the actions or the wife & dad. Rudi, what about just having the dad barking the orders, since he seems to be the focus of the verse (you begin with a strong reference to him). Would this cut it for you? She keeps a model of her dad, the one she never had Aloft and presiding, judging and deciding Upon my small infractions, or any violation Real or imagined noted down See him standing at my shoulder, barking orders In that model town that she made Donna

Just hopping in here to mention that I'm from Canada, and - rightly or wrongly - have always - or on the rare occasions I've needed to mention the city - pronounced New Orleans as nEW orLEANS.

Rudi, I hope your headache's gone. Overall, I think you've done a good job. Structure is tighter, details more cohesive, and I have a clearer picture of the situation. It's an interesting - even troubling - story. The emotion and irony now are clearer. I think the new title works. To strengthen the chorus, I wonder whether you could crowbar the hook into line 2? My model wife shouts, accuses and abuses. Entirely up to you, of course. There is still a little inconsistency in terms of metering, but reading the lyric out loud showed that it flowed nicely. I don't think minor metering variations will present a problem when it comes to melody & vocals. Just a couple more tiny suggestions below. By the way, it's not too late. Still another four days to go. Donna

Oh, thank goodness! Thanks, John. (Having ended up with two verses rather than three. ) Donna

Thanks, Kel. In the meantime, I've changed two words in line 1, V2 (in green), to make the action active rather than passivle. I've adopted 'with' rather than 'by'. Though 'play by the rules' is the idiom, the word 'with' makes it a little more dynamic. Good call. I've added 'And' in line 7, V2, to match the metering. In general, I try not to use too many connecting words (e.g. 'and', 'but'), but they too have a role to play. As regards the proposed new line 1, V2, I'm still pondering an alternative. I feel that 'I didn't stay in bound'ries set' doesn't flow easily (sensewise) into 'none were easy to forget'. I'll continue to mull over lines 1 & 2 with a view to matching the metering. The bridge suggestions are good.I didn't intend those last lines to indicate hope - they were simply his statement of fact. However, I see how they might be perceived as hopeful. Wondering whether to reverse the lines in the bridge? I know now what I had and lost For every hurt, I apologise My arrogance, my see-through lies UPDATE: Meanwhile, I've done another line switcheroo in the bridge. Oh dear! I totally forgot about having three verses. I hope that restructuring for a revision means the original structure can be done away with. Creating a third verse here would make it much too long, and it would be a pity to have to dissect what's already here. But we'll see. Donna

Thank you for the feedback, Kel. I’ve changed both sections on the basis of your suggestions. In the chorus, however, though I agree it's the person who has strength rather than words themselves, I prefer to keep the words as the active agent. I don’t want the woman to be seen as ‘hard’. She’s simply become strong enough to confront him with the truth about himself, and to leave, keeping her own dignity/integrity. Her words aren’t ‘barbs’ in the sense of a meanness intended to hurt out of spite, but are truths aimed at showing him he hasn’t really got away with anything. Chorus: At first, I had an uneven number of lines, but decided to drop the 'illusion' line, as it was simply repetition. How do you feel about the fact that the only rhyme is in lines 4 & 5? Bridge: I like your idea of having him face up to his behaviour, and letting her go with grace. Further feedback is more than welcome, especially regarding the bridge. For one thing, it's longer than I like a bridge to be. Donna Hard As Diamonds (Revision #2/3) (12.10.2013)(new bridge/tweaked chorus) V1 You promised as the organ played You'd be with me all the way [And] I leaned to you smiling Fingers crossed behind my back Whispered I'd be faithful too Always true and kind to you But knowing I had secrets by the stack Pre-chorus Didn't blame you leaving Fed up with my deceiving Chorus Hard as diamonds cutting glass You drilled through the delusion I’d had about myself and love With crystal clear, unsparing words You left no implication blurred Those truths were hard as diamonds V2 I knew the boundaries you set None were easy to forget [but] I went on to push them Risking everything we’d shared Playing with two sets of rules Now I know I played the fool And took advantage of how much you cared Pre-chorus Didn't blame you leaving Fed up with my deceiving Chorus Bridge I know now what I had and lost For my arrogance, my see-through lies For every hurt, I apologise Chorus (x 2) Coda If you were in my life once more I'd never do what I did before © 2013 Donna Devine

UPDATE: Newest version at the bottom of this thread. --------------------------------------- After a first read-through and quick response to Jan and Kel's excellent comments a few days ago, I took a break before going over them again today and reading my lyric. It's much clearer to me now where the 'trouble spots' are, and why they need fixing. Rudi made helpful comments as well, though he didn't actually have to critique my lyric. Here's my first revision. It's far from the final one, I know. The bridge - among other things - still needs re-thinking. I'm not happy with the chorus either. I feel it's convoluted. I look forward to the feedback on it. I've tried to take fully into account all points that were made. Jan What I've done: - rewritten and extended the verses, and clarified ambiguity regarding the delusion, and why the woman left; - switched the illusion/delusion lines in the chorus; - removed the word 'stupidity' in the chorus (Thank goodness. I hated it as well. ); - changed the bridge. Kel Pre-chorus - You recommended short and sharp. I've tried to do that, though I feel it needs a bit of detail to create that bridge between verses and chorus. I think the information stands alone (i.e. doesn't just continue from the verses) and snaps attention back for the chorus. Naturally, I'm open to other possibilities. Chorus - no sign of 'stupidity'; - title/hook now in the last line as well; - uneven number of lines, for variety and sense of unstability; - lines of slightly varying lengths; - the first and second chorus no longer contradict each other in terms of the verses. Bridge - rewritten to make it positive and to give the singer an active role; - I did feel the original 3-line bridge was unstable, and that's what I was aiming for; however, I've made it 4 lines now, as the singer is in a stable, committed frame of mind, in contrast to what he describes in the verses; Verses - rewritten and extended, with slightly varying line lengths; - ambiguity clarified; - word 'girl' removed. Rudi - ambiguity clarified; - verses rewritten; no sign of word 'ghost' . ----------------------------------------------------------- Hard As Diamonds (Revision #1) V1 You promised as the organ played You'd be with me all the way And I leaned to you smiling Fingers crossed behind my back Whispered I'd be faithful too Always true and kind to you But knowing I had secrets by the stack Pre-chorus Didn't blame you leaving Fed up with my deceiving Chorus Hard as diamonds were the words You threw at my delusion They drilled through the illusions I'd had about myself and love Crystal clear, they knocked me for a loop The unsparing words you used Were hard as diamonds V2 I knew which boundaries were set None were easy to forget But I went on to push them Risking everything we’d shared Playing by two sets of rules Now I know I played the fool Took advantage of how much you cared Pre-chorus Didn't blame you leaving Fed up with my deceiving Chorus Hard as diamonds were the words You threw at my delusion They drilled through the illusions I'd had about myself and love Crystal clear, they knocked me for a loop The unsparing words you used Were hard as diamonds Bridge I want you here again There'll be no more tears again Took a while but I awoke Now I'll keep promises I broke Chorus Hard as diamonds were the words You threw at my delusion They drilled through the illusions I'd had about myself and love Crystal clear, they knocked me for a loop The unsparing words you used Were hard as diamonds © 2013 Donna Devine

Okey-doke, this is a follow-on from what I said in my previous post. For instance (rough example only), using internal rhymes: V1 She keeps a model of herself, high upon a shelf Deep in her mind, where you’ll also find A model of me and the rest of her folk In this open-plan doll's house safe in the sun It feels kind of strange, to be posed and arranged Beneath her gaze and her thumb I think the internal rhymes in lines 1, 2 & 5 work. They don't overwhelm now, and add extra interest. There's also a bit of rhyme resonance between 'arrange' and 'gaze', as well as in the vowel sound in 'folk' and 'open'. I feel that starting the last 3 lines as a separate sentence will give the vocalist space to breathe, and make it simpler for the listener to follow the story. Perhaps you could take a similar approach with V2 & 3. Now you need to match up the metering/scansion in each verse, so that the beats in each line fall in the same place as their counterparts. This allows for ease of making a smoothly flowing melody that will be memorable and easy to sing. The vocalist will love you for it. (Especially if the vocalist is yourself. ) Regarding the title: I think a hook needs to be repeated in the chorus here, especially as the verses are in a somewhat random flow. A repeated hook would anchor the chorus, and provide contrast to the verses. It would also, ideally, engage the reader's attention and keep her/him with you to the end of the chorus & song. 'My Model Wife' would work if you adjusted the chorus. 'My Model Wife' would also - I think - provide a nice ironic twist. Each time anyone gets out of step My model wife shouts, accuses and abuses She sulks, she pouts, and everybody loses My model wife simply won’t be satisfied Until we align with the pattern in her mind Might mention though that all those sibilants in lines 1-3 might be difficult for a singer to wrap his voice around. Also, I don't think there's a strong enough connection between the model wife and the Matriouschka dolls. Hence, a title/hook could easily go into that second-last line. Or alternatively: My model wife shouts, accuses and abuses Each time anyone gets out of step She sulks, she pouts, and everybody loses My model wife simply won’t be satisfied Until we align with the pattern in her mind This gets rid of the long sequence of 's' sounds, and puts the hook in a stronger position. I hope some of the above is useful. Focusing on your lyric has helped me to remember what I need to watch out for in my own as well. I'll likely keep coming back to add bits and pieces, so maybe check in from time to time in case over the next couple of days I recommend something unspeakably brilliant. Donna

I'm losing track now. Given that everyone has provided and received their critiques, and we can now begin revising, is there a deadline date for the revised versions? Donna

Hi Rudi, First, just a quick overview and a couple of observations. I need to head out now, but will pop in a bit later to look more closely at individual sections/lines, plus the title. The tightening up has made the images clearer, more accessible. Likewise, the simpler language. 1. Inner rhymes: Oh, I didn’t think you’d remove all of them (barring line 2 in the bridge). Inner rhyming used judiciously is appealing, and I loved the use of them especially in the first two lines of the verses. My problem was that they’d been used in all sections of the lyric in the original version. This then made things predictable, and kept you from wider word choices. I think you could easily reinstate them in lines 1 & 2 of the verses. They were catchy and conveyed emotion well. I don’t think reinstating them - if you wanted to - would topple the house of cards. 2. A pity we can’t use an AABA structure in this challenge. I think the lyric would work so well in that format, having the first two verses (though with at least one or two lines identical), then the chorus as bridge, and then the third verse.) This format is particularly effective for cabaret-type tunes. Anyway, back to reality. I’d suggest having three choruses, with one after V1, thus getting us more quickly to the chorus. That would take care of the bridge dilemma. 3. The metering still needs to be looked at: for instance, the last line in V2 doesn’t scan the same as in V1 & 3. Likewise, the flow in the second-last line in all three verses doesn’t match up. I will return. Donna

I'm pleased my comments have been useful, Rudi. Donna (not Goldy )

Plenty to consider, for sure. My own experience has been that some music licensing agencies won't accept submissions unless you're affiliated with a PRO. In one particular instance, I was glad I'd already signed up with my local PRO. A song of mine was licensed for an episode in a TV series, and things wouldn't have gone as quickly/smoothly if I hadn't already had PRO membership. Royalties are paid directly to the PRO, and are then passed on to me. If you intend to submit songs to music licensing agencies, I'd recommend you join a PRO. And here's a link to a site you might find of interest. All kinds of information about music libraries and their requirements. http://musiclibraryreport.com Donna

Oops! Sorry, John! I meant to write that I had critiqued Rudi and Lisa. So all is well.

Rudi, I've critiqued Lisa and you. And according to my interpretation, I was to be critiqued by Kel and Jan (which has happened). As I understand it, the first person named in the list (e.g. Kel, Donna, Jan, Vagda, Goldy, Lisa) critiques the two people listed after the hyphen. I did wonder why you had critiqued my lyric. (Glad you did, though.) But I agree, it is a little confusing.

I thoroughly enjoyed this lyric, Rudi. Bear in mind my suggestions are purely subjective, so keep or sweep. (Sorry if the rambling is a bit erratic. I'm coming down with a cold, so feeling a little fuzzy-brained.) The title drew me in. However, it's used only in the bridge, so the verses and chorus don't relate strongly to the 'model husband' idea (other than in line 3, V1). I'd suggest giving the hook a prominent, stronger position within the lyric. Strong opening line in the first verse. The lyric flows well, due in part to the internal rhymes. And it's an intriguing story, which the details build up nicely. The rhyme scheme in the verses is consistent, and altered nicely in the bridge. The pre-chorus is concise and bridges the verse and chorus effectively. I feel that the bridge could be more dynamic/less predictable if the internal rhyme there were dropped. You don't want too much of a good thing - plus the lyric begins to sound - at least to me - a bit Dr. Seuss-like. I think too that the bridge basically follows on from the verses and chorus, and doesn't provide a strong enough contrast, a forward movement. We already know that nothing the man or the family do will make any difference to the woman. Suggestion for line 2 in the bridge: place 'clearly' after 'is' for a smoother flow. Further to the bridge: I feel it would be better placed after the second chorus, especially if you re-work it to be more dynamic. This is the point at which the listener will want to hear something new lyrically or/and melodically. V1: Good concrete description. Nice use of metaphor. I suggest not repeating 'kind of' in line 5. I like the irony in '...a model of her dad, the one she never had'. The short line 6 (and in each verse) is effective. Its abruptness is unexpected, and so the image is more memorable. The shortness emphasises the unstability, the tension. The shorter line 4 in the verses is also effective. The reader/listener is carried from the broader statements to a kind of summing up. V2: Detailed descriptions, keeping reader interest. On a third read-through, I began to feel perhaps the verses were too busy, with an over-abundance of details (not easy for the listener to assimilate, especially as the lines run into each other). However, the genre/musical treatment would play a big role in terms of accessibility. I could envisage this as cabaret. Use of the $10 words would also work (e.g. scribed, whelp, mollified, etc. ) The simple chorus is effective, with each line holding a single thought/image. Not sure though about having internal rhymes in lines 4 and 5. I feel the chorus is strong, and definitely catchy. V3: The metering here becomes somewhat erratic, as do the descriptions (e.g. weeping and embossed). I feel the extra syllables in line 6 weaken the impact. Line 6 here isn't as strong as in V1 & 2. It's also not clear what 'She's in denial of her end' means. (Something like 'but at her end, she's in denial'?) Suggest looking again at V3. If anything else springs to mind, I'll come back. I tend to do that anyway with critiques. Overall, I think this is a compelling, unusual lyric, and well done for only 2+ hours. A little tightening up in places and another look at V3 will strengthen it, I think. Donna

Kel, thank you too for an excellent and detailed critique. Much appreciated. I'll be going through all the points at length later, when it's time to revise, but first I'll respond quickly below. Donna

It's important that the first line in V1 grab the listener. Perhaps re-think this line. Maybe a stronger, fresher image will come to mind. Rough example of matching metering: Sporty cars and jumbo jets Are all among my toys