Challenge #12 - Folk Ballad

[goldylocks]

@Vagda: In the context of the story, the details about the car seem out of place. That it ignored signals or rules yes, but that it was a black Ford and ended up on it's side are irrelevant to the story of Mother waiting for her daughter. Nice job though and a good topic.

 

@Rudi: I think you're missing an "is" in your refrain line but the lyrics fit the brief better in my opinion. I think some lines will twist tongues trying to sing them "1.7 million on the list" for example, but you've probably got a melody and rhythm in your head to take that into account. Another good story well told.

 

@Goldy: Yet another serious issue well handled. The only nit I have is that your

third line of your final chorus is way shorter than earlier third lines and that could screw up the rhythm. Other than that I think you've made your point quite clearly.

 

@Lisa: I'm waiting....

 

Cheers,

Kel

Kel, thank for pointing that out, I changed it to Tomahawk missiles, making it longer, but to be honest, I still don't have a clue about melody, I thought if it rhymes and flows pretty good. It's good to go! I have a lot to learn about meter.

As far as yours goes, you always write a great lyric, relative to the subject of the topic. I listened to the video, it sounds like the same B.S rhetoric of politicians making empty promises everywhere. I love your last line, were screwed. Do you have a melody?

Will you post it for us to hear?

Goldy

[goldylocks]

I hope this one meets the task. *fingers crossed*

 

It was a 15 minute ride

Everyday the same

She always stood outside

When her little girl came

Upon her pink bike

A little helmet on

But today she felt like

There was something wrong

 

It was a 15 minute ride

Minutes passed by

She kept waiting outside

Started wondering why

Her little girl

Didn't arrive

Than the police car

Came up the drive

 

It was a 15 minute ride

It just couldn't be true

Her little girl died

A quarter past two

The car ignored

A red light

It was a black ford

Landed on the side

 

It was a 15 minute ride

The clock keeps ticking

Ever witnessed the sight

Of a mothers heart breaking

No words can explain

The loss of a child

The great pain

It leaves behind

And it carries on

The rest of her live

I like your story line a lot, you use good descriptions and vivid imagery. A couple places because of the language change, you might need to change.

This line:

Ever witnessed the sight/ should be everyone witnessed.

Upon her pink bike/ riding her pink bike

Other than that I think it's very well written and you've done a great job!

Goldy

[Kel]

Kel, thank for pointing that out, I changed it to Tomahawk missiles, making it longer, but to be honest, I still don't have a clue about melody, I thought if it rhymes and flows pretty good. It's good to go! I have a lot to learn about meter.

As far as yours goes, you always write a great lyric, relative to the subject of the topic. I listened to the video, it sounds like the same B.S rhetoric of politicians making empty promises everywhere. I love your last line, were screwed. Do you have a melody?

Will you post it for us to hear?

Goldy

 

Nah I'm a bit busy preparing a couple of songs for a contest down here that closes at the end of the month. I keep everything though, I never say never.

 

Thanks for your feedback.

Kel

[goldylocks]

http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory/200-staffers-strike-khmer-rouge-tribunal-20133632

 

Money Where Your Mouth Is

 

No one wants to pay for justice

There are 1.7 million on the list

For 40 years they waited & the hurt has not abated

but no one wants to pay for justice

 

We aint seen any money since June

And we don’t see any coming real soon

We have the IOU but the IOU wont do

And we aint seen any wages since June

 

Who cares now about the Khmer Rouge?

Who cares about the evil that ensued ?

In six or seven years, more families disappear

So who cares about the Khmer Rouge?

 

We are going to strike on Monday

Its not as if we lose more pay

‘Pay when you are able’ don’t put bread upon the table

So we are going to strike on Monday

Rudi, I don't even have to read the news, you relate the story so well. Very well written lyric. Not only well written, but interesting.

Goldy

[Lisa Gates]

Hi Lisa,

 

No refrain at all. Looks like I screwed up. I thought the refrain was optional. But now on checking it isnt.

Also, I had mistaken the song structure for the rhyming scheme, but fortunately I got away by sheer dumb luck.

 

Thanks for wising me up

 

OK lets see...

v2

Money Where Your Mouth Is

 

No one wants to pay for justice

There are 1.7 million on the list

For 40 years they waited & the hurt has not abated

but no one wants to pay for justice

So put your money where your mouth if your money is good

 

 

We aint seen any money since June

And we don’t see any coming real soon

We have the IOU but the IOU wont do

And we aint seen any wages since June

So put your money where your mouth if your money is good

 

Who cares now about the Khmer Rouge?

Who cares about the evil that ensued ?

In six or seven years, more families disappear

So who cares about the Khmer Rouge?

So put your money where your mouth if your money is good

 

We are going to strike on Monday

Its not as if we lose more pay

‘Pay when you are able’ don’t put bread upon the table

So we are going to strike on Monday

So put your money where your mouth if your money is good

Awesome! Now I see a strong refrain kickin some butt.

[Lisa Gates]

@Vagda: In the context of the story, the details about the car seem out of place. That it ignored signals or rules yes, but that it was a black Ford and ended up on it's side are irrelevant to the story of Mother waiting for her daughter. Nice job though and a good topic.

 

@Rudi: I think you're missing an "is" in your refrain line but the lyrics fit the brief better in my opinion. I think some lines will twist tongues trying to sing them "1.7 million on the list" for example, but you've probably got a melody and rhythm in your head to take that into account. Another good story well told.

 

@Goldy: Yet another serious issue well handled. The only nit I have is that your third line of your final chorus is way shorter than earlier third lines and that could screw up the rhythm. Other than that I think you've made your point quite clearly.

 

@Lisa: I'm waiting....

 

Cheers,

Kel

Kel, it was a holiday weekend here in the states and I partied it up (not really...deep cleaned the house I'm renting/living in.) finished week 6 assignment (last week :-(  ) for the Pat Pattison course with an hour to spare (listen to it on soundcloud eh not too bad) AND I have this great idea for News article to write about but too much crap in my mind and I only have one or two lines so far.. can you pick on Skin instead.... ha ha ha

love ya!

L

[Kel]

Kel, it was a holiday weekend here in the states and I partied it up (not really...deep cleaned the house I'm renting/living in.) finished week 6 assignment (last week :-(  ) for the Pat Pattison course with an hour to spare (listen to it on soundcloud eh not too bad) AND I have this great idea for News article to write about but too much crap in my mind and I only have one or two lines so far.. can you pick on Skin instead.... ha ha ha

love ya!

L

 

@Les: Still waiting! (Blame Lisa...  )

[Kel]

Makes me wanna go out and sign up for rodeo!

 

I might be a bit brittle when I hit the deck though!

[Lisa Gates]

@Les: Still waiting! (Blame Lisa...  )

Thank you for playing! LOL! Big smile

[Lisa Gates]

Makes me wanna go out and sign up for rodeo!

 

I might be a bit brittle when I hit the deck though!

Do yoga, then you won't be so brittle. I had to slow the tempo of the song down a lot to accent the phrasing...i HATE the loop, but I'm not as talented as you where that is concerned. maybe some day. I just love the lyrics right now. This is right where I need to be.

[Kel]

Somewhere in one of my topics, it might be when I posted my first song with me wailing on it, I got some very handy advice from a few people, regarding effects use to clean up my vocals. Couldn't make them better LOL but cleaned them up and make them understandable, if not listenable.

 

I go through this routine:

 

Noise Removal:  select a small portion of the track where you are NOT singing (the longer the better) and select Noise Removal and click on Select Noise Sample. Then select the entire track and click on Repeat Noise Removal at the very top of the drop down list.

 

Hi Pass Filter: although to me it sounds like it is cleaning out the higher frequenciues, it is actually allowing them to pass through. I select the lowest setting.

 

Equaliser: I select Treble Boost, but there are a few different settings you can choose. Try treble boost or bass cut and see what sounds better.

 

Leveller: This doesn't make everything the same, but it's closer to a constant level and helps.

 

Normalise: This has a default setting of -1 which is perfect for vocals. If you record guitar or another instrument just normalise to a lower setting, you can always adjust it on the slider anyway.

 

If necessary, I also use Amplify until the vocals are big and bold. Then I reverse amplify a little at a time. (use a negative number eg -1.5)

 

If there is any lines in red, I use Declipper.

 

Then I apply a little Echo. I use .3 for magnitude and .125 for sustain (or whatever the settings are). Start there you can adjust to however you like it.

 

I do this every time. I have no idea what anything else does.

 

And the other thing I do, and I think your recording suffered from this, is to set the input level way down to the second lowest setting. We can always use amplify to get it louder, but if it's distorted because the recording level is too loud there is no helping it. Also have the mic well away from your mouth. You will tend to sing out to it then, rather than trying not to overpower it.

 

Oh, and mouth open, tongue in and down, jaw forward, breathe..... LOL that's what my singing teacher always says anyway.

 

Hope this has helped.

 

Kel

[Lisa Gates]

Somewhere in one of my topics, it might be when I posted my first song with me wailing on it, I got some very handy advice from a few people, regarding effects use to clean up my vocals. Couldn't make them better LOL but cleaned them up and make them understandable, if not listenable.

 

I go through this routine:

 

Noise Removal:  select a small portion of the track where you are NOT singing (the longer the better) and select Noise Removal and click on Select Noise Sample. Then select the entire track and click on Repeat Noise Removal at the very top of the drop down list.

 

Hi Pass Filter: although to me it sounds like it is cleaning out the higher frequenciues, it is actually allowing them to pass through. I select the lowest setting.

 

Equaliser: I select Treble Boost, but there are a few different settings you can choose. Try treble boost or bass cut and see what sounds better.

 

Leveller: This doesn't make everything the same, but it's closer to a constant level and helps.

 

Normalise: This has a default setting of -1 which is perfect for vocals. If you record guitar or another instrument just normalise to a lower setting, you can always adjust it on the slider anyway.

 

If necessary, I also use Amplify until the vocals are big and bold. Then I reverse amplify a little at a time. (use a negative number eg -1.5)

 

If there is any lines in red, I use Declipper.

 

Then I apply a little Echo. I use .3 for magnitude and .125 for sustain (or whatever the settings are). Start there you can adjust to however you like it.

 

I do this every time. I have no idea what anything else does.

 

And the other thing I do, and I think your recording suffered from this, is to set the input level way down to the second lowest setting. We can always use amplify to get it louder, but if it's distorted because the recording level is too loud there is no helping it. Also have the mic well away from your mouth. You will tend to sing out to it then, rather than trying not to overpower it.

 

Oh, and mouth open, tongue in and down, jaw forward, breathe..... LOL that's what my singing teacher always says anyway.

 

Hope this has helped.

 

Kel

As always, you bring a wealth of info to the table/forum/group. I'll print this out as some of it I do know but I have to find some of this stuff in Audacity...I know I've seen that somewhere before! Hmmm look in effects, yes, I'll start there.

time to hit the hay. maybe some of my song will come to me as I drift off. wish me luck!

[Kel]

Good luck Lisa!

[Vagdavercustis]

I like your story line a lot, you use good descriptions and vivid imagery. A couple places because of the language change, you might need to change.

This line:

Ever witnessed the sight/ should be everyone witnessed.

Upon her pink bike/ riding her pink bike

Other than that I think it's very well written and you've done a great job!

Goldy

Thanks for pointing it out.

I've corrected the mistakes!

I'm glad you liked it

 

[Kel]

While he may or may not have allegedly done it on porpoise, I heard he had a whale of a time!

K

[Vagdavercustis]

Skin,

 

Nice write!
I love the line, 'The Peter Pans of our oceans.'
But that's because I'm still addicted to Disney movies
The ending is just sad!!!

[goldylocks]

Wel here's mine, short but I hope sweet enough.

I used a 2 line refrain, I did have a 4 liner but changed my mind.

 

http://www.stuff.co.nz/auckland/local-news/rodney-times/9040791/Dolphins-delight-walkers

 

Children of the sea

 

Morning light glints off their backs

People stop and stare in wonder

We are prisoners of the land

They are the children of the sea

Swim fast, swim deep, swim free

 

The Peter Pans of our oceans

Majesties among nature’s creations

Freedom we can’t understand

They are the children of the sea

Swim fast, swim deep, swim free

 

Cruising the rocks and shorelines

Searching for food in a family pod

Wave top ballerinas without a band

They are the children of the sea

Swim fast, swim deep, swim free

 

As an up date to this story the Dolphins were run over buy a power boat.

 

There was fin's n flipper's everywhere.

The police arrested the owner for animal cruelty.

They claim he did it on PORPOISE

 

Ha hahahahahahaa..... sorry I could not resist that one

 

Skin

 

Am i banned from the group

Skin, your song is magical, beautiful imagery, until the the report on the idiot who ran over the Dolphins, very sad, such beautiful creatures abused. I do think your humor is on the wet side though, instead of dry. Ha hahahaha.

 

Goldy      

Edited September 4, 2013 by goldylocks

[Rudi]

 

http://au.news.yahoo.com/video/national/watch/18745959/fighting-words-at-rudd-launch/

 

This is but one of many possible news stories I could have chosen. This is the final week of the election campaign for the Australian Federal Government that goes to the poll on Saturday 7 August. However, rather than being about events during this particular election, because that would be too short lived after all, I'm having my long awaited debut in political activism/cynicism/sarcasm whatever you feel is more appropriate:

 

No Matter Who We Choose 

 

It was announced today we go round again

We get to ride the train and choose the way

We're goin',

No slowin' down.

It's ours to say

Who lives who dies,

Who gets to try another day.

And it seems to me no matter who we choose...

We're screwed!

 

Couple weeks on and the train derails and there's

No way back from the mess they made and the lies

Th-ey tell,

No stopping now.

It's for you and me

To find the truth,

To tell the lies from the fantasy,

And it seems to me no matter who we choose...

We're screwed!

 

Final days until the train pulls in and its

No clearer now than when we began and its

Building speed.

It's just a game

And it's how they play

That put's them all to shame,

And it seems to me no matter who we choose...

We're screwed.

And it seems to me no matter who we choose...

We're screwed.

 

Cheers,

Kel

 

 

It dented my resilient & usually sunny optimism, so it must be effective.

With music it would be good to go against type and use some upbeat fun tune.

 

The rhythm is the part I like best. Very imaginative phrasing.

[Rudi]

Here is my weekly challenge, I hope it's AAA. I'm not sure. It's about America taking a stand to strike Syria on her own. Suggestions for improvement are appreciated.

http://www.itv.com/news/2013-08-30/america-will-go-it-alone-when-it-comes-to-syria/

America is Standing

America is standing

She's standing alone

United Nations said thumbs down

Strike Syria on your own

America is standing

She won't back down

She won't back down

She's standing on her own

America is standing

For the red, white and blue

Men and women over sea or land

Who fight for me and you

America is standing

She won't back down

She won't back down

She's standing on her own

America is standing

For civilians killed brutally

She's sending Tomahawk missiles

To attack Syria's military

America's standing

She won't back down

She won't back down

She's standing on her own

No, she won't back down

She's standing all alone

Goldy

Goldy,

 

Its a fair indictment to the rest of us I suppose.

 

It a patriotic song, or appears to be.

 

I think a less tub-thumping approach would work better.

A reference to the outrage of poisoned people as a spur would get every listener on board & propel the song forward. It has the potential to be much stronger than it is. You are a strong writer and you have a very good refrain. I just think it needs to have a more personal story at its heart.

 

Rudi

[Lisa Gates]

http://www.foxnews.com/world/2013/09/01/us-swimmer-nyad-looking-very-good-after-1st-night-cuba-florida-swim-jellyfish/

 

FIFTH TIMES A CHARM

She swam around Manhattan in 1975

Dipped into the Atlantic in 1979

Oh! Nothing can beat, her most thrilling feat

Fifth times a charm

 

Although another had it done in 1997    

Used equipment that made the long journey a concession

Hey! Use a shark tank, faster to the bank

Fifth times a charm

 

Long distance swimmer learned of the risk swimming with fish

Four times swimming through 53 miles of shark an jellyfish

Cuba to Key West, now she did her best

Fifth times a charm

 

 

Almost done...needs help

thanks, Lisa

was only a joke about them getting run over! they never really got hurt they are still there I think.

 

that line was thinking about them being playful all the time.

 

Skin

Thank GOD! that would've been horrible!