Challenge #12 - Folk Ballad

[Lisa Gates]

Wel here's mine, short but I hope sweet enough.

I used a 2 line refrain, I did have a 4 liner but changed my mind.

 

http://www.stuff.co.nz/auckland/local-news/rodney-times/9040791/Dolphins-delight-walkers

 

Children of the sea

 

Morning light glints off their backs

People stop and stare in wonder

We are prisoners of the land

They are the children of the sea

Swim fast, swim deep, swim free

 

The Peter Pans of our oceans

Majesties among nature’s creations

Freedom we can’t understand

They are the children of the sea

Swim fast, swim deep, swim free

 

Cruising the rocks and shorelines

Searching for food in a family pod

Wave top ballerinas without a band

They are the children of the sea

Swim fast, swim deep, swim free

 

As an up date to this story the Dolphins were run over buy a power boat.

 

There was fin's n flipper's everywhere.

The police arrested the owner for animal cruelty.

They claim he did it on PORPOISE

 

Ha hahahahahahaa..... sorry I could not resist that one

 

Skin

 

Am i banned from the group?

Nice one,

Love your refrain!

[Kel]

http://www.foxnews.com/world/2013/09/01/us-swimmer-nyad-looking-very-good-after-1st-night-cuba-florida-swim-jellyfish/

 

FIFTH TIMES A CHARM

She swam around Manhattan in 1975

Dipped into the Atlantic in 1979

Oh! Nothing can beat, her most thrilling feat

Fifth times a charm

 

Although another had it done in 1997    

Used equipment that made the long journey a concession

Hey! Use a shark tank, faster to the bank

Fifth times a charm

 

Long distance swimmer learned of the risk swimming with fish

Four times swimming through 53 miles of shark an jellyfish

Cuba to Key West, now she did her best

Fifth times a charm

 

 

Almost done...needs help

thanks, Lisa

Thank GOD! that would've been horrible!

 

Well Lisa, that was worth the wait!

I loved the refrain and title. 

Great work for mine.

Kel

[Lisa Gates]

Well Lisa, that was worth the wait!

I loved the refrain and title. 

Great work for mine.

Kel

tanx

[goldylocks]

Goldy,

 

Its a fair indictment to the rest of us I suppose.

 

It a patriotic song, or appears to be.

 

I think a less tub-thumping approach would work better.

A reference to the outrage of poisoned people as a spur would get every listener on board & propel the song forward. It has the potential to be much stronger than it is. You are a strong writer and you have a very good refrain. I just think it needs to have a more personal story at its heart.

 

Rudi

Thanks Rudi, for your comments, I'm not sure how to implement the point of poisoned people, into the song. I wanted it to be like a march, short and sung with drums, giving it some punch. I wanted to keep it a simple, but powerful message. What is tub thumping?

I changed it somewhat, but I'm still learning how to write lyrics, I had to research to find out what a refrain is.

Here is the rewrite, tried to include the people being gassed.

America is Standing

America is standing

She's standing alone

United Nations said thumbs down

Strike Syria on your own

America is standing

She won't back down

She won't back down

She's standing on her own

America is standing

For the red, white and blue

Men and women over sea or land

Who give their lives for me and you

America is standing

She won't back down

She won't back down

She's standing on her own

America is standing

On outrage of gassing humanity

She's sending Tomahawk missiles

To crumble Syria's military

America's standing

She won't back down

She won't back down

She's standing on her own

No, she won't back down

She's standing all alone

Goldy

Edited September 5, 2013 by goldylocks

[john]

Just in seeing your comment about research, I hope you are remembering to use our library here on Songstuff too?

For example, you might find this article particularly useful

http://songwriting.songstuff.com/article/song_building_blocks/

[goldylocks]

http://www.foxnews.com/world/2013/09/01/us-swimmer-nyad-looking-very-good-after-1st-night-cuba-florida-swim-jellyfish/

 

FIFTH TIMES A CHARM

She swam around Manhattan in 1975

Dipped into the Atlantic in 1979

Oh! Nothing can beat, her most thrilling feat

Fifth times a charm

 

Although another had it done in 1997    

Used equipment that made the long journey a concession

Hey! Use a shark tank, faster to the bank

Fifth times a charm

 

Long distance swimmer learned of the risk swimming with fish

Four times swimming through 53 miles of shark an jellyfish

Cuba to Key West, now she did her best

Fifth times a charm

 

 

Almost done...needs help

thanks, Lisa

Thank GOD! that would've been horrible!

Lisa, I didn't know if you were finished with your song, but here is a suggestion for your last verse. This is just a suggestion, I got from reading the news article. Great write!           Just trying to help. 

 

She swam this time to demonstrate peace and not hate

For friendship to bring Cuba close to the United States

Not for notoriety, or to show athletic strength

Fifth times a charm

 

or

 

She swam not for notoriety, or to show athletic strength

This time it was to demonstrate peace and not hate

For friendship to bring Cuba, close to the United States

Fifth times a charm.

 

Goldy

Edited September 5, 2013 by goldylocks

[Vagdavercustis]

Good write Lisa!!
Love your tittle It sticks in your mind

[Rudi]

Thanks Rudi, for your comments, I'm not sure how to implement the point of poisoned people, into the song. I wanted it to be like a march, short and sung with drums, giving it some punch. I wanted to keep it a simple, but powerful message. What is tub thumping?

I changed it somewhat, but I'm still learning how to write lyrics, I had to research to find out what a refrain is.

Here is the rewrite, tried to include the people being gassed.

America is Standing

America is standing

She's standing alone

United Nations said thumbs down

Strike Syria on your own

America is standing

She won't back down

She won't back down

She's standing on her own

America is standing

For the red, white and blue

Men and women over sea or land

Who give their lives for me and you

America is standing

She won't back down

She won't back down

She's standing on her own

America is standing

On outrage of gassing humanity

She's sending Tomahawk missiles

To crumble Syria's military

America's standing

She won't back down

She won't back down

She's standing on her own

No, she won't back down

She's standing all alone

Goldy

Hey Goldy,

 

I think your original was just a style choice that didnt speak to me. It almost didnt matter how good your song was. I was struggling with the style. The stirring patriotic marching song is what I meant by tub thumping.

 

So apologies for that. Even though you put the poisoning outrage late in the text, it still touched me emotionally.

 

Perhaps if the poisoning was in a short poignant intro, it would make the point & it could be dispensed with afterwards. Your original song would then be validated to listeners and it could be truer to your original vision.

[Lisa Gates]

Lisa, I didn't know if you were finished with your song, but here is a suggestion for your last verse. This is just a suggestion, I got from reading the news article. Great write!           Just trying to help. 

 

She swam this time to demonstrate peace and not hate

For friendship to bring Cuba close to the United States

Not for notoriety, or to show athletic strength

Fifth times a charm

 

or

 

She swam not for notoriety, or to show athletic strength

This time it was to demonstrate peace and not hate

For friendship to bring Cuba, close to the United States

Fifth times a charm.

 

Goldy

Goldy, my lyrics are never done! LOL

I really like your first suggested verse alot.

Next time John gives us a team challenge maybe you and I can try?

:-)

[goldylocks]

Hey Goldy,

 

I think your original was just a style choice that didnt speak to me. It almost didnt matter how good your song was. I was struggling with the style. The stirring patriotic marching song is what I meant by tub thumping.

 

So apologies for that. Even though you put the poisoning outrage late in the text, it still touched me emotionally.

 

Perhaps if the poisoning was in a short poignant intro, it would make the point & it could be dispensed with afterwards. Your original song would then be validated to listeners and it could be truer to your original vision.

I'm trying to figure out what you mean, I put the lyric gassing humanity, as an intro

verse. Is that what you mean? Or something like that?

 

Goldy      

 

 

America is Standing

 

 

America is standing

On outrage of gassing humanity

She's sending Tomahawk missiles

To crumble Syria's military

America's standing

She won't back down

She won't back down

She's standing on her own

 

America is standing

She's standing alone

United Nations said thumbs down

Strike Syria on your own

America is standing

She won't back down

She won't back down

She's standing on her own

America is standing

For the red, white and blue

Men and women over sea or land

Who give their lives for me and you

America is standing

She won't back down

She won't back down

She's standing on her own

No, she won't back down

She's standing all alone

 

 

Edited October 31, 2013 by goldylocks

[Lisa Gates]

I'm trying to figure out what you mean, I put the lyric gassing humanity, as an intro

verse. Is that what you mean? Or something like that?

 

Goldy      

 

 

America is Standing

 

 

America is standing

On outrage of gassing humanity

She's sending Tomahawk missiles

To crumble Syria's military

America's standing

She won't back down

She won't back down

She's standing on her own

 

America is standing

She's standing alone

United Nations said thumbs down

Strike Syria on your own

America is standing

She won't back down

She won't back down

She's standing on her own

America is standing

For the red, white and blue

Men and women over sea or land

Who give their lives for me and you

America is standing

She won't back down

She won't back down

She's standing on her own

No, she won't back down

She's standing all alone

 

Goldy, I like the order of the verses here. It really flows very well and gets the reason of what happened more clearly. Nice working it out here!

Lisa

[goldylocks]

Goldy, I like the order of the verses here. It really flows very well and gets the reason of what happened more clearly. Nice working it out here!

Lisa

Thanks Lisa, this song really is to honor all our military, who faithfully serve our country, no matter what the cost. And sometimes it is very costly!

 

Goldy    

[goldylocks]

Goldy, my lyrics are never done! LOL

I really like your first suggested verse alot.

Next time John gives us a team challenge maybe you and I can try?

:-)

Next time Lisa, maybe you , I and Vagda could compete against the boys. Vagda, is a very talented writer, she fixed the technical problems with our Blues song, and wrote the rhyme scheme. So I would love to include her.

 

Goldy        

Edited September 6, 2013 by goldylocks

[Rudi]

Goldy,

 

Yes. Well done with the perseverance. Its paid off.

I had meant the intro to be a separate piece, but putting it into the first verse is better. It now has a narrative and like Lisa says 'it flows'.

 

Great job.

 

Rudi

[Rudi]

FIFTH TIMES A CHARM

She swam around Manhattan in 1975

Dipped into the Atlantic in 1979

Oh! Nothing can beat, her most thrilling feat

Fifth times a charm

 

Although another had it done in 1997    

Used equipment that made the long journey a concession

Hey! Use a shark tank, faster to the bank

Fifth times a charm

 

Long distance swimmer learned of the risk swimming with fish

Four times swimming through 53 miles of shark an jellyfish

Cuba to Key West, now she did her best

Fifth times a charm

 

Lisa,

 

Excellent job. Its risky littering the text with dates, but I think it works. The refrain is inspired.

 

Rudi

[Lisa Gates]

Next time Lisa, maybe you , I and Vagda could compete against the boys. Vagda, is a very talented writer, she fixed the technical problems with our Blues song, and wrote the rhyme scheme. So I would love to include her.

 

Goldy        

Sounds like a good plan!...John I hear a girl against the guys vote here. 

[Lisa Gates]

Lisa,

 

Excellent job. Its risky littering the text with dates, but I think it works. The refrain is inspired.

 

Rudi

Rudi, the rhymes kept coming with the dates... I've never worked with numbers in my songs. Now I'm combining my day job with my night job! I like it!!

thanks for you kind words too.

Lisa

[Kel]

Which job involves you having dates. your day job or night job?

K

[Lisa Gates]

Which job involves you having dates. your day job or night job?

K

you did not just "go" there! tsk tsk

NUMBERS (as in accounting) not DATES!

I must be more careful with my words around you.