#20 - Honest Man (Kel)

[Kel]

First Draft Lyrics for the song... no takers on the performance/recording yet...

I have an iron in the fire, but if it doesn't pan out I'll write it myself, I have a melody in mind anyway.

 

Honest Man

 

Here on this mountain

I can taste the sweet air,

But all this freedom

Means nothing to me, without you here,

To share it with,

It's no way to live...

 

[Chorus]

I got a tank full of gas

And time on my side

A whole lot of nothing that I'd rather do

Than ride all night

Just to hold you tight

And kiss you in the golden rays of dawn's first light

I got my heart in your hands

And Baby it's got plans, you see

To put a ring on your finger

And make an honest man, out of me

 

Darlin' I said I

Couldn't walk down the aisle

But being free is

More than I can bear, without your smile

To share it with,

It's no way to live...

 

[Chorus]

I got a tank full of gas

And time on my side

A whole lot of nothing that I'd rather do

Than ride all night

Just to hold you tight

And kiss you in the golden rays of dawn's first light

I got my heart in your hands

And Baby it's got plans you see

To put a ring on your finger

And make an honest man, out of me

　

 

Repeat Chorus

[jamestoffee]

Hi Kal,

 

Good start. :)The basic idea is laid out.

 

Do you have a melody line in mind or another song to fit the lyrics to?

 

Suggestions:

 

#1

One concern is in the idea of prosody… here meaning matching speaking lines and melody lines…The lyrics seem way too long for melody lines without reverting one lyric idea into two or three separate melody lines.

 

 

Here is how the sentences lay out as spoken words…..

Honest Man

Here on this mountain I can taste the sweet air,
This sense of freedom Means nothing to me, without you here,To share it with,
It's no way to live...

[Chorus]
I got a tank full of gas And time on my side A whole lot of nothing that I'd rather do Than ride all night
Just to hold you tight And kiss you in the golden rays of sun's first light
 

I got my heart in your hands And Baby it's got plans, you see To put a ring on your finger And make an honest man, out of me

Darlin' I said I Couldn't walk down the aisle But being free is More than I can bear, without your smile To share it with, It's no way to live...

[Chorus]
I got a tank full of gas And time on my side A whole lot of nothing that I'd rather do Than ride all night Just to hold you tight And kiss you in the golden rays of sun's first light

I got my heart in your hands And Baby it's got plans you see To put a ring on your finger And make an honest man, out of me
　

Repeat Chorus

 

#2

“Baby it's got plans you see To put a ring on†-the ‘you see’ seems a bit awkward in the phrase…....

 

......why not

 

“Baby it's got plans To put a ring on And make an honest man, out of meâ€

 

#3

Also, consider stabilizing the setting….in one part the singer is on a mountain top alone….in another part in a car at night with the singee with sign of transition between the two.

 

#4

While not bad, it seems a bit too straight forward to use a cliché within the context of its original meaning with no twist or double meaning.  The play on words is a typical trademark/highlight of country lyrics seems to be missing here.

 

 

Take or toss the suggestions as you wish

 

-James

Edited November 21, 2013 by jamestoffee

[Kel]

Hi James,

 

Thanks for your input, I appreciate it. I do have a melody in mind, original and I was singing it as I wrote it.

 

The twist, is to make an honest man out me me, rather than an honest woman out of you... 

 

Having said that, it is a first draft...

 

Thanks

Kel

[Kel]

I'm happy to announce I have a composer/performer: ClareCreekProject.

 

Kel

[goldylocks]

Kel, I like this, it reads like a Country song, I made a few suggestions below, it's a good start but it needs some tightening up..

 

Honest Man

 

Here on this mountain

I can taste the sweet air,

But all this freedom/ maybe/ But this darn freedom/a little Country exasperation.

Means nothing to me, without you here,

To share it with,

It's no way to live...

 

[Chorus]

I got a tank full of gas

And time on my side

A whole lot of nothing that I'd rather do

Than ride all night

Just to hold you tight

And kiss you in the golden rays of dawn's first light

I got my heart in your hands / don't get this line/ or I got your heart in my hands/or you have my heart

And Baby it's got plans, you see/ awkward/ suggestion/ Baby I've or it's got pans for you and me

To put a ring on your finger/ t/ awkward/ suggestion/ I'll put a ring on your finger

And make an honest man, out of me

 

Darlin' I said I

Couldn't walk down the aisle

But being free is

More than I can bear, without your smile

To share it with/,

It's no way to live...

 

[Chorus]

I got a tank full of gas

And time on my side

A whole lot of nothing that I'd rather do

Than ride all night

Just to hold you tight

And kiss you in the golden rays of dawn's first light

I got my heart in your hands

And Baby it's got plans you see

To put a ring on your finger

And make an honest man, out of me

　

Goldy  

Edited November 22, 2013 by goldylocks

[Kel]

Thanks Goldy,

 

Some common thoughts with James in there...

 

Cheers,

Kel

[Kel]

Honest Man Second Draft

 

Here on this mountain

I can taste the sweet air,

But your gift of freedom

Means nothing to me,

Without you here,

To share it with.

You set me free, but

It's no way to live...

 

[Chorus]

I got a tank full of gas

And time on my hands

A whole lot of nothing that I'd rather do

Than ride all night just to hold you tight

And Baby I got plans

We'll book into the chapel overlooking the sea

I'll slip that ring on your finger

And make an honest man, of me

 

Darlin' I said I

Couldn't walk down the aisle

But if being free

Means that I have to live,

without your smile,

I'd rather stay.

You set me free, but

Now I'm on my way...

 

[Chorus]

I got a tank full of gas

And time on my hands

A whole lot of nothing that I'd rather do

Than ride all night just to hold you tight

And Baby I got plans

We'll book into the chapel overlooking the sea

I'll slip that ring on your finger

And make an honest man, of me

 

　

Repeat Chorus

[Vagdavercustis]

Hi Kell,

 

Nice writing you got here  
Some thoughts about it...

Honest Man Second Draft

 

Here on this mountain

I can taste the sweet air,

But your gift of freedom 

It means nothing to me, 

Without you here,

To share it with.

You set me free, but

It's no way to live...

I would leave out the 3th line.
You mention this freedom 2 times and I think one time is enough.
 

 

[Chorus]

I got a tank full of gas

And time on my hands

A whole lot of nothing that I'd rather do

Than ride all night just to hold you tight

And Baby I got plans

We'll book into the chapel overlooking the sea

I'll slip that ring on your finger

And make an honest man, of me

Love the chorus! No need to change it in my opinion

 

Darlin' I said I

Couldn't walk down the aisle

But if being free

Means that I have to live,

without your smile,

I'd rather stay.

You set me free, but

Now I'm on my way...

This needs some rewrite.
I get your point but it's a little bit confusing here.
Why didn't he walked down the aisle?
Or maybe:
Darlin' I said I
Couldn't walk down the aisle
But if this means
I have to live
Without your smile
I'd rather stay
Instead of being free, so,
Now I'm on my way
 

 

[Chorus]

I got a tank full of gas

And time on my hands

A whole lot of nothing that I'd rather do

Than ride all night just to hold you tight

And Baby I got plans

We'll book into the chapel overlooking the sea

I'll slip that ring on your finger

And make an honest man, of me

 

　

Repeat Chorus

Edited November 22, 2013 by Vagdavercustis

[jamestoffee]

Hi Kel,

 

This rewrite is getting a bit more confusing for me.  In v1 all the talk of freedom sounds like the relationship is over and the singer wants the singee back

 

 

Also, to me this section comes off a bit selfish/self-centered

 

"I got a tank full of gas

And time on my hands

A whole lot of nothing that I'd rather do"

 

v2 of the admitting his wanting "freedom" or not being married as the delay seems like troubled ground....like he is giving in to an ultimatum b/c when was he not with her? How could he realize he would miss her when he is with her unless there was some line in the sand "We get married or we break up".....what brings around the NOW in the let's get married now...tank of gas, nothing to do implies a quick wedding not an elaborate affair....so why the rush?  Is he afraid he might change his mind/get cold feet?

 

....just trying to flesh out a believable scenario in which events like this and things like this would be said and done.

 

 

 

Regarding the twist of Honest Man...it could be a bit more twisty.....right now it sounds like a misunderstood cliché.....How a bout a twist where the woman proposes to the man to make an honest man out of him.....maybe focus on the idea of honest.......honest days work....down to earth folk.....one last step.....she makes an honest man out of me....etc....

 

 

 

Honest Man Second Draft

 

Here on this mountain

I can taste the sweet air,

But your gift of freedom

Means nothing to me,

Without you here,

To share it with.

You set me free, but

It's no way to live...

 

[Chorus]

I got a tank full of gas

And time on my hands

A whole lot of nothing that I'd rather do

Than ride all night just to hold you tight

And Baby I got plans

We'll book into the chapel overlooking the sea

I'll slip that ring on your finger

And make an honest man, of me

 

Darlin' I said I

Couldn't walk down the aisle

But if being free

Means that I have to live,

without your smile,

I'd rather stay.

You set me free, but

Now I'm on my way...

 

[Chorus]

I got a tank full of gas

And time on my hands

A whole lot of nothing that I'd rather do

Than ride all night just to hold you tight

And Baby I got plans

We'll book into the chapel overlooking the sea

I'll slip that ring on your finger

And make an honest man, of me

 

　

Repeat Chorus

[Rudi]

Hi Kel,

 

Despite the new (& better) system John devised I still critiqued version #1.

 

There is still a point which hasnt changed.

 

‘MAKE AN HONEST MAN OUT OF ME sounds a bit daft unless it’s a joke. I realise no one else has commented on that. So I may be alone in thinking so.

 

The remaining ambiguity makes more sense now that I know why you / he is unable to commit. Before that I was puzzled.

[Kel]

Okay, I thought it was all plain as day, but obviously it wasn't (the listener is never wrong!) so a bit of a change of tack...

 

A Married Man

 

Here on this mountain

I can taste the sweet air,

The scent of the pine woods

Does nothing for me,

Without you to share,

It with...

 

[Chorus]

I got a tank full of gas

And time on my hands

My battered old pickup is ready to drive any time

I've come to my senses

Yeah I've changed all my plans

I'm heading back to you with only one thought on my mind,

We can make all those plans

And together we'll stand

In that chapel by the sea

And you can make a married man, out of me.

 

Fog on the highway

And smoke in the trees

Tight grip on the wheel

Heart racing the flames [but]

There's no stopping me

Tonight...

 

[Chorus]

I got a tank full of gas

And time on my hands

My battered old pickup is ready to drive any time

I've come to my senses

Yeah I've changed all my plans

I'm heading back to you with only one thought on my mind,

We can make all those plans

And together we'll stand

In that chapel by the sea

And you can make a married man, out of me.

 

 

Repeat Chorus

[jamestoffee]

Hi Kal,

 

A Married Man.....try ......A Wanted Man....play it up like a man on the run but the twist is wanted to be

married by the singee

 

Here on this mountain
I can taste the sweet air,....Everything's/My thoughts/destiny's clear (clear to rhyme with here/dear)
(BUT) The scent of the pine woods
Does nothing for me,
Without you to share,.....a bit awkward...try 'Without you here/dear"

[Chorus]
I got a tank full of gas
And time on my hands
My battered old pickup is ready to drive any time
I've come to my senses
Yeah I've changed all my plans...Yeah I'm changing all my/the plans

I'm heading back to you with only one thought on my mind,
We can make all those plans.....already used plans...try....start a new life
And together we'll stand...we'll stand is a bit cliche
I'M A WANTED MAN
A WANTED MAN
MARRY ME
In that chapel by the sea
(SHOW THE WORLD I'M) A WANTED MAN

Fog on the highway......so this change of scene and verse doesn't quite fit b/c by the chorus
the singer and singee are already face to face....he should not be "out of the scene away from her" 
the rest of the song should keep the same location

And smoke in the trees
Tight grip on the wheel
Heart racing the flames [but]
There's no stopping me
Tonight...

 

I suggest making your v1 into your v2 and writing a new v1 that gives hint of a bad boy criminal background....like admitting she is too good for him...build up the wanted man for the twist on what "wanted man" means

 

[Rudi]

Hey James I like the wanted man idea. Layers & reinterpretation like a Neil Young song.

 

Its Kel's ball. But I'd play it.

[DonnaMarilyn]

Just popping in quickly, Kel. I'm not taking part in this challenge (overseas visitor, etc., so  no available time), but wanted to mention that the 'wanted man' hook has been done by various artists (e.g. Neil Young, Johnny Cash, and others). (Also by a singer/songwriter on another site, with the twist that the guy was wanted by women.)

 

I really like the original twist - making an honest man out of the guy - and would love to see that followed up. Anyway, just my tuppence worth.

 

I'll drop by a bit later to add a couple more comments (if you like).

 

Donna

Edited November 23, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[Kel]

If the song was for Hank Williams Jr, I might go with the wanted man scenario, but as it's George Strait I'm writing for, no thanks. Cowboys, love found, love lost that's about it.

 

Cheers, though.

 

More than welcome Donna

 

Cheers,

Kel

[Kel]

I'm not liking,

 

Make a married man, of me

 

so might go back to honest man

 

Kel

[DonnaMarilyn]

OK, going back to the original 'make an honest man out of me', one approach might be to have the guy describe the ways that he was hesitating, postponing, in general trying to avoid/evade the issue of making a commitment. In short, he was being dishonest about his intentions, giving all kinds of excuses. He finally comes to his senses - realises he loves his lady and wants to be a 'legitimate' part of her life. So in the end, they' can be at the little altar in that little chapel by the sea, and she's making an honest man of him.  But make sure the verses support the theme.

 

Just ramblings above, but maybe something can be launched from there.

 

Donna

Okay, I thought it was all plain as day, but obviously it wasn't (the listener is never wrong!) so a bit of a change of tack...

 

A Married Man Nope. Besides, the verses don't support it.

 

Here on this mountain

I can taste the sweet air,

But The scent of the pine woods

Does nothing for me,

Without you to share,

It with...

 

[Chorus] Chorus is overly long, and it's verse material. I mention these only as aspects to be considered when you (possibly) re-write the lyric and change the direction and the hook/title.

I got a tank full of gas

And time on my hands

My battered old pickup is ready to drive any time

I've come to my senses

Yeah I've changed all my plans

I'm heading back to you with only one thought on my mind,

We can make all those plans

And together we'll stand

In that chapel by the sea

And you can make a married man, out of me.

 

Fog on the highway

And smoke in the trees  The trees are on fire??? This came out of nowhere.

Tight grip on the wheel

Heart racing the flames [but]

There's no stopping me

Tonight...

 

[Chorus]

 

 

 

Repeat Chorus

Edited November 24, 2013 by DonnaMarilyn

[Rudi]

You are always right to go with your instincts Kel.

 

You tried other ways out and wore them for a while. Cant do more than that.

[Kel]

You are always right to go with your instincts Kel.

 

You tried other ways out and wore them for a while. Cant do more than that.

 

I feel like a fake... my performer/producer convinced me to stay with "married"....

 

Kel

^{My producer/performer/composer is enjoying Thanksgiving. Recording should be available post festivities...}

 

^Cheers,

^Kel

[Rudi]

You SOLD OUT man!