Challenge #40 Wing Of Bat, Eye Of A Newt

[john]

Hello Writer

This should prove interesting...

Please read all instructions.

Your mission this week, should you choose to accept it, is to write a song, in any style, using any song form you want as long as it includes ALL the following items within the lyrics:

A color

A time of day

A named place

A named famous person, alive or dead

A brand

A type of food or drink

A number

A part of the body

An item of clothing

Post your submissions to the LYRICS CRITIQUE forum by the end of Thursday .

Please critique each other's submissions, within THIS TOPIC, in as much detail as you can, paying particular attention to how your fellow writers have incorporated all of the above elements within their song.

On Saturday please post links to your lyrics critique board topic within this thread. I think it beneficial if we look at how critique occurs within your topics and consider if there is a way to improve the benefit you get from the process.

This message will self destruct in 5, 4, 3 ach whenever it feels like it really!

Cheers

John

[jamestoffee]

Here is my submission:

 

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38768-challenge-40-paradise-motel/

 

Here is my post on the Lyrics Critique:

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38808-paradise-motel/

Edited August 14, 2014 by jamestoffee

[louielouwhy]

A color - Maroon
A time of day - Half pass noon
A named place - Shanty town
A named famous person, alive or dead - Bozo the Clown
A brand - Suave
A type of food or drink - Cape Cod
A number - 666
A part of the body - Arm
An item of clothing - Gown

 

 

WING OF A BAT, NEWT IN TOWN

 

 

Vs 1

E                       F#         E 

I saw this dude at half past noon

                   d#c#f 

Was hairy and scraggly, greasy and maroon

                        aeb

An awkward crazed loony tune

 

vs 2

Its attire it wore

Was from a shanty town

Six, six, six tattooed all around

 

(pre chorus)

Who are you?! I asked in my gown

It raised its arms then flung em down

 

(chorus)

Like the wing of a bat

Flap flap flap

I'm newt in town

And I need to take a crap

 

vs 3

I offered him some deodorant

It asked how bout suave

No Thanks it said, I think I'll pass

As he released what smelled like a putrid gas

 

vs 4

Then it took a sip of a cape cod

Guzzled it down like it wasn't hard

Threw it away then began to nod

 

(pre chorus)

After the odor had settle down, I blurted out "You Bozo the Clown!" 

Then it raised it's arms then flung em down

 

(chorus)

Like the wing of bat

Flap, flap, flap

I'm newt in town

And I need to take a crap

 

(chorus)

Again it raised it's arms 

Then flung em down 

And said just for that

It took a crap

Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap

 

(chorus)

Then I raised my arms too, in a fling

Then ran so fast

Zing, zing, zing

Raising my arms flinging em down

Moving fast to get out of town

Like a wing of a bat

Flap, flap, flap

 

(bridge)

E-COLI!!! Now I  got to take A CRAP!

 

(outro)

Raising my arms fling'n em down

Moving fast to get out of town

Like a wing of a bat

Flap, flap, flap

 

 

Edited August 13, 2014 by louielouwhy

[jamestoffee]

Hi louielouwhy,

 

What a scene!

 

I like lyrics when reading that I have no idea where it is heading.....and that's what you have here, but you end it nicely with the singer's transformation.....and interesting departure from the vampire or zombie bite to more of an E coli approach

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escherichia_coli

 

Suggestion:

 

This is a minor point, but for some reason "dude" doesn't sit right with me....partly because it seems like a dated or outdated slang and partly because all the pronouns say "it"

 

Maybe something like this:

 

I saw this LOON half past noon

                   d#c#f 

Its hair was maroon

                        aeb

A crazed WILD HAIRED loony tune

 

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

James

[Holz]

Here's my submission.

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38774-challenge-40-bad-luck-blues/

[MazingMaryRocks]

The wizard’s hand

 

Verse 1

In the catacombs of magic, no light were found

Supposed to die, right at that moment

Drinking her poisoned wine

Gave her just 30 years

 

Chorus

Black skies were closing in

At night it came crawling

In the pyramids of Cairo

Where Cleopatra took her last breath

That’s where you’ll find the hand

The hand of the immortal wizard

 

Verse 2

The Jaguar by her side, could not help

Guards fell like bricks without knowing

Protection did fail

He took her life that day

 

Chorus

Black skies were closing in

At night it came crawling

In the pyramids of Cairo

Where Cleopatra took her last breath

That’s where you’ll find the hand

The hand of the immortal wizard

 

Verse 3

The dress she wore, designed to protect

With magic so strong, it made her fall

A wizard too powerful

She had no chance

 

Chorus

Black skies were closing in

At night it came crawling

In the pyramids of Cairo

Where Cleopatra took her last breath

That’s where you’ll find the hand

The hand of the immortal wizard

 

Outro

The wizard’s hand

That poured the wine

Which hides in the dark

Are still alive

 

//MMR

[louielouwhy]

James > E coli approach >         > Little did I know that there was so much substance to this song.   

"No idea where it was heading" .  That was exactly what I thought after I read the Title.  This time, i didn't follow your lead, I felt that I shouldn't have been influenced in anyway for this one.  So. I haven't seen or heard anybody elses yet.

Before I wrote this one, I came up with another song which I finished without the reference of the lyrics.  I just used the guidelines of the other content John gave us not knowing the title.  In the near future I'm going to post that one in the lyric critique forum.  I titled it At Dusk.

 

Yes.  I agree with your critique.  I'm surprised that was the only negative.  But even I know we are pretty much limited with this title.

 

I got chores to do now, so I've got to give this a rest for now.  Will be viewing everybody elses before the dead line.  

 

Thanks for the enlightment!

Louie  

Edited August 12, 2014 by louielouwhy

[louielouwhy]

Mazing Mary

I'm taking it that the wing of a bat and the eye of a newt might be a potion that Cleopatra drank which the Wizard had something to do with.

 

Interesting!  To me some of the lines and a few words added here in there I think would make the lyrics more rhythmical.  Other than that, it's anamazital, Mary.

 

In the catacombs of magic, no light were found

Supposed to die, right at that moment       Who is supposed to die?

Drinking her poisoned wine

Gave her just 30 years     why not another number that rhymes with wine

 

Chorus

Black skies were closing in

At night it came crawling             Night it cam crawling in

In the pyramids of Cairo

Where Cleopatra took her last breath

That’s where you’ll find the hand               I feel a need to want to hear a word that rhymes             The hand of the immortal wizard                somewhere in these lines

                                        

Verse 2

The Jaguar by her side, could not help

Guards fell like bricks without knowing   

Protection did fail

He took her life that day

 

Chorus

Black skies were closing in

At night it came crawling     Night it came crawling

In the pyramids of Cairo

Where Cleopatra took her last breath

That’s where you’ll find the hand

The hand of the immortal wizard

 

Verse 3

The dress she wore, designed to protect

With magic so strong, it made her fall   But with magic so strong, she had not chance 

A wizard too powerful                            It made her fall

She had no chance                               He was a wizard too powerful

 

Chorus

Black skies were closing in

At night it came crawling

In the pyramids of Cairo

Where Cleopatra took her last breath

That’s where you’ll find the hand

The hand of the immortal wizard

 

Outro

The wizard’s hand

That poured the wine

Which hides in the dark

Are still alive

[halld1971]

The lights,

are on red

Heart brakes,

up ahead

You've got,

someone new

I was,

the one for you

Your words,

jam my brain

My love's,

been in vain

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

Dylan plays,

on the radio

I pray,

his wind will blow

You wish,

this didn't hurt

My tears,

soak your skirt

Rolex watch,

marks our time

Stolen love,

an act of crime

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

No way,

through the night

London Bridge,

doesn't feel right

You're asleep,

in his bed

I'm dying,

inside my head

Dylan plays,

on the radio

I pray,

that wind will blow

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

Tried to incorporate challenge 39 and 40 together, and came up with 39.5

[MazingMaryRocks]

 

Mazing Mary

I'm taking it that the wing of a bat and the eye of a newt might be a potion that Cleopatra drank which the Wizard had something to do with.

 

Interesting!  To me some of the lines and a few words added here in there I think would make the lyrics more rhythmical.  Other than that, it's anamazital, Mary.

Hi!

Thanks for the feedback. I really liked your suggestions and will probably make some changes to it! I only struggle with the rhyming. Just until recently my lyrics were rhyming, now I kind of left that behind and I don't know why, it just happened. Good or bad? I think it is a matter of personal preferences. But I will definitely consider your sugg for rhyming in this one. Thanks again!

//MMR

[jamestoffee]

Tried to incorporate challenge 39 and 40 together, and came up with 39.5

 

Hi halld1971,

 

LOL 39.5!  That’s great!

 

Nice start.  I like the minimal approach to lyrics and how the challenge brought in more concrete details.

 

Suggestion:

Consider sticking with one overarching metaphor to tighten up the message.

 

For example: This relationship is a car on a road trip that never made it to its destination.

 

You start that way with the lights (though it’s not clear if it is traffic lights or brake lights)......jam fits in the context as a traffic jam (not as the jelly/jam)

 

...but then the head over heels doesn't quite work out......unless....you could try to approach it like this.....

 

.....the relationship is a car on road trip.....

 

......the destination is the relationship’s happiness/life-long relationship.......

 

......the road obstacle flips and totals the car is the cheating relationship......

 

......the destroyed car is the destroyed relationship.....

 

......then focus the song around the road accident in motion.....

 

......that way the head over heels will fit as the passengers are flipped and disoriented in both the car accident and relationship.

 

Take or toss as you wish.

 

James

[halld1971]

Louie,

I am not much cop at explaining things if you know what I mean.

I hope some of this is helpful and is in no way meant to be harsh, just as I read it.

 

Overall Louie I thought it was quite clever and funny a very good effort for a hard challenge.

Your rhyme schemes vary from verse to verse but what the hey! If it works then that’s all that matters

I think it could do with a little refining  but not that much so as to lose it's quirkiness.

 

 

All the best

 

Les

 

PS this was a tricky one to critique, so quirky! lol!

 

WING OF A BAT, NEWT IN TOWN

 

 

Vs 1

E                       F#         E 

I saw this dude at half past noon

                   d#c#f 

Was hairy and scraggly, greasy and maroon

                        aeb

An awkward crazed loony tune

 

vs 2

Its attire it wore                                            

Was from a shanty town

Six, six, six tattooed all around    This line suggests the clothes are tattooed? Could be my take on it?

 

(pre chorus)

Who are you?! I asked in my gown

It raised its arms then flung em down

 

(chorus)

Like the wing of a bat

Flap flap flap

I'm newt in town

And I need to take a crap               surprise line and made me smile!

 

This verse (3) has 4 lines, the rest 3, I think line 2 does not need to be there, to me it breaks up the flow. You make an offer, it asks something else, then it declines your offer!

The last line is way longer than the other verse endings and I think it could be shortened and sweetened a little.

Released something awful from it's ass / like putrid gas! Just a thought.

 

 vs 3

I offered him some deodorant

No Thanks it said, I think I'll pass

Then he let off a putrid gas - suggestion

 

vs 4

Then it took a sip of a cape cod

Guzzled it down like it wasn't hard

Threw it away then began to nod

 

(pre chorus)

After the odor had settle down, I blurted out "are â€You Bozo the Clown!"  this line seems like is a question but comes across like you are calling him that? I added “are†in the line. might be my confusion!

Again this line is quite long, it makes it hard to keep a rhythm going with the previous pre C’S

 

Then it raised it's arms then flung em down

 

(chorus)

Like the wing of bat

Flap, flap, flap

I'm newt in town

And I need to take a crap

 

I don’t get the reason for the next chorus? I ask “just for what†is it because he called him/asked him if he is Bozo the clown? If so maybe it comes to late after the Bozo line? As I read it, it did not connect with the chorus before it!

 

(chorus)

Again it raised it's arms 

Then flung em down      

And said just for that

It took a crap

Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap

 

 

I think this chorus needs a little tweaking, feels a little wordy compared to the others!

 

chorus)

Then I raised my arms too, in a fling

Then ran so fast

Zing, zing, zing

Raising my arms flinging em down

Moving fast to get out of town

Like a wing of a bat

Flap, flap, flap

 

Just an example of what I mean.

 

Raised my arms up in a fling

Ran so fast Zing, Zing, Zing

Arms a flapping up n down

Etc…………

 

 (bridge)

E-COLI!!! Now I  got to take A CRAP!

 

(outro)

Raising my arms fling'n em down

Moving fast to get out of town

Like a wing of a bat

Flap, flap, flap

 

Thought this song was great and a fab critique too.  Dont know where you got this idea but it truly is great and funny.  I agree with James, reading lyrics that are unpredictable is very exciting.  Good job guv

[MazingMaryRocks]

Link to the critique board:

http://forums.songstuff.com/topic/38773-the-wizards-hand/

 

//MMR

[MazingMaryRocks]

WING OF A BAT, NEWT IN TOWN

 

 

Vs 1

E                       F#         E 

I saw this dude at half past noon

                   d#c#f 

Was hairy and scraggly, greasy and maroon

                        aeb

An awkward crazed loony tune

 

vs 2

Its attire it wore

Was from a shanty town

Six, six, six tattooed all around

 

(pre chorus)

Who are you?! I asked in my gown

It raised its arms then flung em down

 

(chorus)

Like the wing of a bat

Flap flap flap

I'm newt in town

And I need to take a crap

 

vs 3

I offered him some deodorant

It asked how bout suave

No Thanks it said, I think I'll pass

As he released what smelled like a putrid gas

 

vs 4

Then it took a sip of a cape cod

Guzzled it down like it wasn't hard

Threw it away then began to nod

 

(pre chorus)

After the odor had settle down, I blurted out "You Bozo the Clown!" 

Then it raised it's arms then flung em down

 

(chorus)

Like the wing of bat

Flap, flap, flap

I'm newt in town

And I need to take a crap

 

(chorus)

Again it raised it's arms 

Then flung em down 

And said just for that

It took a crap

Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap

 

(chorus)

Then I raised my arms too, in a fling

Then ran so fast

Zing, zing, zing

Raising my arms flinging em down

Moving fast to get out of town

Like a wing of a bat

Flap, flap, flap

 

(bridge)

E-COLI!!! Now I  got to take A CRAP!

 

(outro)

Raising my arms fling'n em down

Moving fast to get out of town

Like a wing of a bat

Flap, flap, flap

 

Hi!

Sorry for the late reply! I really enjoyed reading your lyrics! They seems a bit different to me, with that fun and flirting undertone. 

One particular part that cought my mind was: 

I offered him some deodorant

It asked how bout suave

No Thanks it said, I think I'll pass

As he released what smelled like a putrid gas

 

Overall, I think you used the words in a cleaver and fun way to create these lyrics. Nicely done!

And to all of you: it's been amazing to see how different we all write with the same words. Made me think of creating an EP together, named : Wing of a bat...

 

//MMR

[ames1212]

A color- Brown Blue and black

A time of day- 6am

A named place-work, concent

A named famous person, alive or dead- Tim Mcgraw

A brand- Chevorlet

A type of food or drink- coffee, bagel

A number- ten

A part of the body-hair, head

An item of clothing- shirt

A Good Day

By Amy Abernathy

It was 6 am Friday Morning,

The alarm clock started blaring so loud,

She hit snooze and then she was snoring,

then it blazed like a choir in front of a crowd.

She got up, brushed her brown hair,

Put on her lucky blue shirt.

She grabbed a bagel and some coffee,

As she hurried off to work.

It's gonna be a good Day,

I can Feel it,

It's gonna be a good day,

Good vibes flowing my way,

Today is gonna be good.

She thought all day about seeing him,

and the concert later that night.

She been a fan of Tim McGraw since she was ten.

She was excited to sway to the music under the moon light.

He picked her up in his black Cheverlot,

He had two glasses and a bottle of wine.

She smiled kissed him and hugged his neck

It had been a long week so they were due a good time.

It's gonna be a good Day,

I can Feel it,

It's gonna be a good day,

Good vibes flowing my way,

Today is gonna be good.

The music was grooving , what a show.

They slow danced laughed and had some fun.

Dancing close with her head on his shoulder.

A new romance had just begun.

It's gonna be a good Day,

I can Feel it,

It's gonna be a good day,

Good vibes flowing my way,

Today is gonna be good.

I wrote this quickly for the challenge, it needs tweaking.

[halld1971]

Hi halld1971

 

I took this song as a girl/boy theme not a car as James suggests, if he is right then completely ignore my meagre effort of a critique lol! and it is meagre!!!!! Sorry I am useless at this sort of thing.

 

Overall you have used all the elements of the challenge. I think the 1st verse is the best and with a little tweaking the rest will fall into place.

 

As usual these are just my opinions on how i read the lyric and should be taken with a pinch of salt, they are not meant to be harsh and I hope they help in some way.

 

All the best

 

Les

 

 

The lights,

are on red

Heart brakes,  Clever use of 2 possibilities heart/car breaks/brakes

up ahead

You've got,

someone new

I was,

the one for you

Your words,

jam my brain   I like this because it sounds real like a brain freeze at the shock?

My love's,

been in vain

Is this how love feels              

when you're head over heels?  This line suggests you are happy in love rather than losing in love, possibly add a word to the previous line to reflect that? Is this how bad/broken/lost love feels?

Just my take on how it reads to me.

 

Dylan plays,

on the radio

I pray,

his wind will blow  I am not sure I get this line but then I don’t know any Dylan songs so it might relate to luck or similar!

You wish,

this didn't hurt     This line comes across as her being hurt but if she has found someone else would it really bother her that much? I could be getting this line wrong so ignore this if I am.

My tears,

soak your skirt  This lines bothers me but I can't explain why! maybe wimpish??

Rolex watch,

marks our time

Stolen love,  I like the next 2 lines goes well with the theme if someone stole her away from you.

an act of crime

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

No way,

through the night

London Bridge,

doesn't feel right

You're asleep,

in his bed

I'm dying,

inside my head

Dylan plays,

on the radio

I pray,

that wind will blow

Is this how love feels

when you're head over heels?

 

Thanks boss, I really appreciate the time spent on this critique.  Sorry I haven't been in touch before now, had a bit of a family issue to deal with and I couldn't dedicate the time to the site.

Your critique is certainly not meagre, it was fab, and yes, you were very accurate about the boy/girl thing.  The Dylan's wind thing was my meagre attempt at Dylan's blowing in the wind...the answers blowing in the wind - even I now think this was like something out of the Times cryptic crossword.

Yeah, maybe I made this fella out to be too wimpish, hanging on to her feet and begging her to stay.  I felt like her emotion was she had met someone else but she still had feelings for this guy, a bit of a "its not you, its me" kind of thing.

 

Anyway, just wanted to say sorry I hadn't responded, ut Im back in the saddle now.

 

Thanks,

 

David