Challenge #40 Bad Luck Blues

[Holz]

Hi,

Here my first attempt at a lyric challenge. But that doesn't mean you should take it easy on me, give it to me straight, both barrels. Anyway here's what was required and what I wrote to fulfill it.

A Color........Blue

A Time of Day.........Morning

A named place.......Mississippi

Famous Person......Robert Johnson

Brand......Jack Daniels

Type of Food/Drink........Whiskey

Number.........21

Body..........Eye

Clothing...........Shirt

Bad Luck Blues

(Intro)

(Verse)

I'm feeling blue

Ain't got no money for anything

I'm feeling used

By my woman she like shiny things

I wake up every morning

To a breakfast of dirt and dust

(Verse)

I got a friend

He lives in Mississippi

I go an visit him

And together we drink all his whiskey

His name is Robert Johnson

And he'll be glad to share a bottle with you

(Chorus)

How I wish,

I could get free

From my chains of misery

No matter how hard I wish

It won't come true

(Verse)

I'm feeling old

How I wish I was twenty one again

I'm not feelin' bold

But with a shot I'll be bold my friend

And I only drink jack Daniels

'Cause there's no better whiskey around

(Chorus)

How I wish,

I could get free

From my chains of misery

No matter how hard I wish

It won't come true

(Verse)

I'm feeling down,

'Cause I lost eye in a bar fight

I'm leaving town

I can't stand to be here another night

Gonna visit my friend robert

And we'll drink 'till the crack o' dawn

(Chorus)

How I wish,

I could get free

From my chains of misery

No matter how hard I wish

It won't come true

(Solo)

(Bridge)

I've had bad luck every day of my life

And a man came and took my wife

Ain't got a thing to call my own

'Cept the shirt on my old broken back

(Solo)

(Outro)

[jamestoffee]

Hi Holz,

 

Great start! J

 

The details work well.

 

Suggestion consider reordering the events….for now they come into the story a bit random…..

 

Try something like this…..

 

The man is sad because his wife wants things he can’t afford

Drinks  for comfort

His wife leaves him for the other guy

Drinks  for comfort

He gets into a bar fight with the guy that stole his wife and loses an eye

Drinks  for comfort

He can’t stand the shame of his defeat and/or loses his job b/c of age and injury, so he leaves

Probably heads to RJ to drink himself away

 

Also, consider reworking the title Bad Luck and Blues are practically synonyms, so adding “Bad Luck†to “Blues†doesn’t really add value; also, the title never appears in the lyrics…..

 

….which brings up the last suggestion……

 

Consider revising the chorus….All the verses deal in some way with alcohol…. Image of “chains†has no relation to alcohol ….except in a roundabout way of implying chains is related to slavery….slavery related to having a master…..having a master means not being free…..personification of alcohol as a slave master….the resolution would be the singer is an alcoholic regardless of his success or failures  (or luck) in life…….

 

……maybe try a chorus around the alcohol…..like “80 Proof Blues†(in reference to Jack Daniels)……or pick a stronger proof and mix up the alcohol choices like “moonshine†101 proof…..â€101 Proof Blues

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moonshine

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Daniel's

 

….although you mention he drinks “whiskey†with RJ….I’ll let you sort out the details on that one.

 

Take or toss the suggestions as you wish.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

James

[louielouwhy]

Holz

     If it is a pitiful story you want to project about the subject, you definitely got that point across.  I'm believing that the eating dirt and dust for breakfast is relevant to the newt, and guessing because the poor soul appears to have no direction in life indicates the wing of a bat, suggesting that as he roams around always under the influence he does it blind as a bat.

 

I'd start the intro off with what you got for chorus lines.  I'd keep them chorus.

I'd put the word But before no matter how hard I wish

 

I'd invert the last two lines to be the first two lines in vs 1.  And ad the word dish to of dirt and dust.

 

There's a lot of profound descriptions in the verses.  But to me it sounds more like you are talking to tell it to me rather than making what you are saying melodic.

 

Louie

Edited August 14, 2014 by louielouwhy

[halld1971]

I was thinking the title for this (newt and bat) was just a reference to the fact that so many elements (words) had to be put in the pot (song), like a witch/wizard potion, not that we had to use the song title as influence.  Did I miss that completely?

[Holz]

Did I miss something? I didn't think eye of newt and wing of bat had anything to do with the challenge.

Don't get me wrong I enjoyed reading everyone's comments, it just kinda confused me when some of you started comparing this song to eye of newt and wing of bat.

Thanks,

-Holz

[halld1971]

No, I don't think you missed anything Holz.  I was confused initially but now I think people just used the title for influence... i think....

[louielouwhy]

Influence in relation to it, I would think.  Otherwise, why put something specific?  Unless it's something that I didn't get.  I've been known for that quite often.  Doesn't anybody give a crap about my song?

[halld1971]

sorry guv', I will give some critique tomorrow, Ive just been on and off the site today in between other stuff.  I still think the title was just a bit of fun in relation to the task of putting loads of words into the pot.  Anyway, maybe John can guide us in his innermost thoughts...

[louielouwhy]

The crap thing was just a joke.  You'll get it after you see the lyrics.